Ex suffered a nervous breakdown 4 months ago. We are just now talking again.

[MissCanuck]

14 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It's also possible that she is unable to do so, and that she will never be able to do so, no matter who tries to help. Or, she may not want to be helped--that may be her allure. 

Yes, also very true. 

OP, the point is that you would be unwise to dip your toes back into this. She is not stable enough to assure that your heart won't get broken all over again. 

[Cynder]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

It's also possible that she is unable to do so, and that she will never be able to do so, no matter who tries to help. Or, she may not want to be helped--that may be her allure. Are you familiar with Siren Song by Margaret Atwood? It's a great, efficient description of this dynamic

I had heard of it but never read it.  I just went and read it.  Yes, I agree. 

[Cynder]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, also very true. 

OP, the point is that you would be unwise to dip your toes back into this. She is not stable enough to assure that your heart won't get broken all over again. 

I am starting to realize this as more time goes by.  I don't think I can survive this again. 

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You have no spine because ...

For the record, I view this kind of statement as crude and abusive, and it has no place in this forum.

That's my spine talking.

[SooSad33]

On 12/4/2021 at 3:18 PM, Cynder said:

So I guess my questions are how do I stay grounded here and not get swept up in the idea that I will rekindle things with her.  I don't want to get my hopes up and then be hurt again.  And also... was it too much to tell her I lost my job?  I don't want her to think I was just after sympathy.  I really was just telling her because it will make meeting up easier. 

Sadly, she is so overwhelmed with negativity 😞 .

She cannot 'give' you what you deserve & she knows this.. As she admitted.. to talk about 'the end of you two'?

She's got some real work to do in order to work through all that's affecting her at this time in her life.  In no way can she handle a relationship.. with anyone.  But her focus needs to be on herself.

What you want/need and what she needs is so different.  Her battles are not yours, vice versa.

Yes, you were hurt & she knows this, but she cannot give.  A relationship takes one's energy, expectations, time, etc.  

I feel you do have your hopes up, but you seriously need to stop it.  IF you feel you can't back off and just see her as a 'friend', then is maybe best you remain distant.  This way you won't feel strung along and become her emotional pillow and she can truly focus on her own self care.

Is often we can't just 'be friends' with an ex, because we are still emotionally attached. So, we bow out of any idea of remaining friends with them.  I've had to to this a few times.. hard, but necessary for my own well being 😕 .

She most likely needs to get some prof help, therapy AND remain in her meds. ( I felt going from my anxiety meds- to weaning off them and onto a 'mood stablizer' is what helped me most- anti depr's did nothing- but we're all wired differently).  Either way, this is what's best for her.. right?  

So.. is it time now to work on accepting what is.. and to focus on yourself & healing from all of this?  On your own ( plus help of family/ friends).

 

 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

For the record, I view this kind of statement as crude and abusive, and it has no place in this forum.

That's my spine talking.

Exactly, this is why I didn't even dignify them with any kind of answer at all once I got to that statement.  They aren't being blunt.  They aren't saying the things no one else is will to say.  They are just being rude. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Sadly, she is so overwhelmed with negativity 😞 .

She cannot 'give' you what you deserve & she knows this.. As she admitted.. to talk about 'the end of you two'?

She's got some real work to do in order to work through all that's affecting her at this time in her life.  In no way can she handle a relationship.. with anyone.  But her focus needs to be on herself.

What you want/need and what she needs is so different.  Her battles are not yours, vice versa.

Yes, you were hurt & she knows this, but she cannot give.  A relationship takes one's energy, expectations, time, etc.  

I feel you do have your hopes up, but you seriously need to stop it.  IF you feel you can't back off and just see her as a 'friend', then is maybe best you remain distant.  This way you won't feel strung along and become her emotional pillow and she can truly focus on her own self care.

Is often we can't just 'be friends' with an ex, because we are still emotionally attached. So, we bow out of any idea of remaining friends with them.  I've had to to this a few times.. hard, but necessary for my own well being 😕 .

She most likely needs to get some prof help, therapy AND remain in her meds. ( I felt going from my anxiety meds- to weaning off them and onto a 'mood stablizer' is what helped me most- anti depr's did nothing- but we're all wired differently).  Either way, this is what's best for her.. right?  

So.. is it time now to work on accepting what is.. and to focus on yourself & healing from all of this?  On your own ( plus help of family/ friends).

 

 

I agree with all of this.  I know neither of us can handle a relationship right now.  If it does happen I want it to happen down the line when we are both ready for it.  I am focusing on myself right now and I want her to do the same thing.  I want what's best for her and I want her to be happy. 

All my life I've been taught to put myself last.  Even as a kid.  But I've been using the time she left to focus on myself.  Not in a selfish way but in a healthy way. My nephew has been my reason to keep going for the last four months.  I tell people he might not be my son, but he's my sunshine.  And if anyone reading this is wondering, no he doesn't know my ex and I are talking again.  I won't tell him.  He was really close to her too and her leaving hurt him almost as bad as it hurt me.  

I am a business owner, and my business has suffered because of this.  I just didn't have the drive to keep going for a while.  So I am focusing on my health, my business, my nephew, my house, etc...  So then, eventually if my ex and I do get back together, I will be a better version of myself. 

[Batya33]

I'm chiming in to wish you all the very best and hope you have a better day tomorrow.  Also you're a "great" Aunt (I am a Great Aunt but not always a great Aunt although I sure do mean well!).  

[Cynder]

A little update for everyone.  She and I talked earlier today for a bit.  It was via text, not face to face.  She told me she had a really rough few days mentally and that she still wants to work through some things before we meet in person.  I told her I only want this to happen when we both are ready for it, and that I am questioning whether I'm ready too.  She said she hopes my day is going well and I told her I'm dealing with a staph infection and the stress of losing my job, but making the best of it.  We just bantered a little bit about casual stuff for a bit.  Then she had to get ready for work so we ended the conversation.  I am actually a little relived that she isn't quite ready yet because I don't know if I am either. 

[Cynder]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm chiming in to wish you all the very best and hope you have a better day tomorrow.  Also you're a "great" Aunt (I am a Great Aunt but not always a great Aunt although I sure do mean well!).  

Oh come on now, I'm sure you're a "great" aunt too. 

Omg, that little boy is the light of my life.  When I was talking to his Mom about losing my job and not having health insurance he overheard and came into the room crying and hugged me.  He said he didn't want me to be said and he didn't want me to lose my health.  I had to explain to him the difference between losing my health and losing my health insurance.  I told him all that means is if I have to go to the doctor it's going to be really expensive.  But then I said I'm not sick so hopefully I won't have to go to the doctor soon.  (I guess I jinxed myself though... three days later... staph infection.)  Life just keeps on throwing turds at me.  But he keeps me laughing and I love him. 

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

For the record, I view this kind of statement as crude and abusive, and it has no place in this forum.

That's my spine talking.

And that is OK. I am perfectly fine with you and him being mad at me for telling him how it is. Even if it is crude. We all tip-toing around him and telling him how his mother is actually a real bad guy in this situation wont bring him any good. The end result was exactly as I predicted, her not caring for him other then her feeling a bit better for leaving. And that he shouldnt even let that happen in the first place because after what she did, its him who should be mad and not allow her back in any form unless she shows that she is serious about apologizing. Because he has every right to be mad. And he doesnt and just makes excuses for her. If that makes me the bad guy in this situation, so be it, I can live with that. 

[Cynder]

14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

And that is OK. I am perfectly fine with you and him being mad at me for telling him how it is. Even if it is crude. We all tip-toing around him and telling him how his mother is actually a real bad guy in this situation wont bring him any good. The end result was exactly as I predicted, her not caring for him other then her feeling a bit better for leaving. And that he shouldnt even let that happen in the first place because after what she did, its him who should be mad and not allow her back in any form unless she shows that she is serious about apologizing. Because he has every right to be mad. And he doesnt and just makes excuses for her. If that makes me the bad guy in this situation, so be it, I can live with that. 

FYI, I'm a woman. 

[Kwothe28]

3 minutes ago, Cynder said:

FYI, I'm a woman. 

OK, sorry for misgendering. 

[Batya33]

Oh I try and I had a lot of interaction with my nieces when they were young (not as much my nephew who lived elsewhere starting at a young age) - I tried!  Now two of them are moms of 5 kids total.  I'm glad you are there for your nephew!

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

OK, sorry for misgendering. 

I wonder if your responses would have been different if you understood the OP is a woman.

[redsox22]

I wish you all the best.  I know your heart is telling you to give her another chance, if she is up for it, but your head is telling you to be cautious. I think you need to listen to your head more than your heart right now.  It looks to me like she is bread crumbing you right now.  Sort of testing the waters to see if you are still there but not really making herself available, or owning her part in the break up or the hurt she caused or anything.  Honestly, until she is ready to have a full on conversation and be honest, I wouldn't engage in back and forth conversations. It only gets your hopes up while she feels better knowing you will still engage with her when she is ready.  It allows her to hurt you more.  

It sounds like you were pretty bad off when things ended and from you have said, it doesn't sound like she is anywhere near ready to declare her love for you and apologize and rebuild.  Anything short of that is just setting yourself up for round two of heartache.  You don't deserve that. Your family doesn't want you to go through that again either.

Tread carefully and protect your heart. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I wonder if your responses would have been different if you understood the OP is a woman.

No, they wouldnt. Sorry to disapoint, I dont make too much difference. I did advised to multiple people here the same no matter the gender or preference. Does it really matter when the problem is that she was left in the mud? And that she doesnt stand for herself?

Also no matter what you or anybody else thinks my advice comes from the good intentions. Always.

[Cynder]

49 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I wonder if your responses would have been different if you understood the OP is a woman.

Yea, I was wondering that too. 

[Cynder]

21 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

I wish you all the best.  I know your heart is telling you to give her another chance, if she is up for it, but your head is telling you to be cautious. I think you need to listen to your head more than your heart right now.  It looks to me like she is bread crumbing you right now.  Sort of testing the waters to see if you are still there but not really making herself available, or owning her part in the break up or the hurt she caused or anything.  Honestly, until she is ready to have a full on conversation and be honest, I wouldn't engage in back and forth conversations. It only gets your hopes up while she feels better knowing you will still engage with her when she is ready.  It allows her to hurt you more.  

It sounds like you were pretty bad off when things ended and from you have said, it doesn't sound like she is anywhere near ready to declare her love for you and apologize and rebuild.  Anything short of that is just setting yourself up for round two of heartache.  You don't deserve that. Your family doesn't want you to go through that again either.

Tread carefully and protect your heart. 

 

 

 

 

 

You're not telling me anything I don't already know.  I don't think she's doing anything malicious, though.  She straight up told me last night when we were texting that she isn't ready to meet face to face and talk yet.  I think probably what happened was she thought she was ready but expected me to say no, then when I said I would meet her, she realized she isn't ready after all.  And that's fine because I don't know if I'm ready either right now.  That's just my interpretation, as someone who knows her as well as I do.  I think she just jumped the gun a little.  But she was honest with me and that's fine.  I don't plan to keep bugging her or pressuring her.  I only want this to happen when we are both ready for it to happen. 

Yea, I was pretty bad off when it happened.  At one point I checked myself into a hotel with some sleeping pills and planned to never check out.  I had my reasons for not going through with it.  I ended up staying up all night getting drunk and watching Rick and Morty... then the next morning I went straight to the place where my therapist works and saw a crisis worker.  I also lost my high paying, and long held job four days after she left, for something that wasn't my fault (COVID related.)  So there were other factors. 

But I basically decided at some point that I can either wilt or boom.  I started making a lot of positive changes in my life.  And from the way it sounds, she has made positive changes in hers, too. 

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

No, they wouldnt. Sorry to disapoint, I dont make too much difference. I did advised to multiple people here the same no matter the gender or preference. Does it really matter when the problem is that she was left in the mud? And that she doesnt stand for herself?

Also no matter what you or anybody else thinks my advice comes from the good intentions. Always.

Lol I'm not "disappointed'. Just curious. I don't get disappointed by people I've never met.

But "grow a spine" is not going to be well received by anyone. There are more effective ways to tell a person that it's better to be your own best advocate. 

[Cynder]

14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

No, they wouldnt. Sorry to disapoint, I dont make too much difference. I did advised to multiple people here the same no matter the gender or preference. Does it really matter when the problem is that she was left in the mud? And that she doesnt stand for herself?

Also no matter what you or anybody else thinks my advice comes from the good intentions. Always.

Still failing to see how I didn't "stand for myself."  What because I answered some texts?  She wants to apologize.  Well I think I am owed that.  

 

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Lol I'm not "disappointed'. Just curious. I don't get disappointed by people I've never met.

But "grow a spine" is not going to be well received by anyone. There are more effective ways to tell a person that it's better to be your own best advocate. 

People do this under the guise of being "blunt" and "brutally honest." and idk if they actually think they are helping or if it's just an excuse to feel powerful. 

My ex husband was like this.  he had no problem telling me how ugly I am, how stupid I am, etc, and then his defense was always, "Well I'm just being honest.  Would you rather I lie to you?"  He's an ex for a reason.  But in his defense (And yes I will defend him in this case) later on after I left him, he actually did realize he had problems and he went through a lot to change.  He got into therapy.  He started on meds.  He went to anger management sessions.  And over time, him and I even became friends.  But, the he died.  It was sad, it's like he finally figured things out and started making some positive changes, right before the end of his life.  And if anyone was wondering, there was never any talk or hope of getting back together.  It was mutual, too.  We were better as friends and we both knew it. 

[boltnrun]

I think it's fine to be honest and even blunt, but not in a forceful or unkind way.

I actually think it's not a good idea to continue to engage with her because you want an "apology". It keeps you attached and mentally and emotionally still in the relationship even though you aren't really.

I used to tell my friends that my ex and I weren't together, we were just "seeing each other" because I didn't want to admit I'd gone back to him. They too were vehemently opposed to me reconciling with him because they knew he'd hurt me badly. So I fudged, and I knew I was fudging. And he and I actually were NOT back together, but not because I didn't want to be. HE was the one putting on the brakes but I wanted him so badly I just played by his rules and did whatever he wanted.

Eventually I realized how bad it was to keep seeing him. So I took the drastic step of moving 300 miles away so I literally COULDN'T see him even if I wanted to. And it worked. The fog lifted and I was finally able to tell him "no" and mean it. He pursued me for a couple of years off and on and then finally gave up.

I can understand why your friends and family are concerned. You were suicidal after the breakup and that had to be terrifying for the people who love you. They don't want that happening again.

If you two were to start seeing each other again and she once again vanished or broke up with you, do you think you could get through it OK? 

Also, you have said you believe she has "made positive changes" in her life. Has she said she has, and what specific actions has she said she's taken to make these changes?

[Wiseman2]

This is not a gender, orientation or identity issue at all. This is a mental health situation and she needs mental health care  now, not a relationship.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

But "grow a spine" is not going to be well received by anyone. There are more effective ways to tell a person that it's better to be your own best advocate. 

I dont like to chime in unless there is something to add of substance. Since none of you was willing to say anything and you all tip-toed around the bush, I said it. Was it blunt? Sure. But sometimes its something people need to hear. Even if it makes them mad at the moment. Lots of people here dont take our advices good. And again, that is OK. I dont expect OP to get it even now that my advice comes from good intentions toward her and that she, you and others think I am a bad guy for saying. But again, so be it. If it needs to be said I would always say it. 

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Still failing to see how I didn't "stand for myself."  What because I answered some texts?  She wants to apologize.  Well I think I am owed that.  

 

Sure. Did you get it? Or did you just make her feel less bad about herself? While still being in the same mud awaiting that message?

And no, you didnt stand up for yourself. Again, she should be begging you for even an answer to that message after what she did. Left for 4 months, blocked you without even telling you the reason. Instead you had to hear some excuse from friends and after all that you still listen her back along with internal jokes like nothing ever happened. Awaited her message for 3 days only to told you how she isnt ready to face you. And you still excuse her even after that. Awaiting for next message that might never come.

Yes, you are owed apology. But after what you have gone through you dont owe her anything. If she wants to apologize she knows where you live and should need a lot more then unblocking after months of not even knowing why she left. She can come and beg and hope for you to even listen to what she has to say. Because that would be a proof that you really respect yourself more then "oh I love her and I will just await that next message when she dignifies me with an answer". No, respect yourself more. You should be livid. Mad even. Somebody left you without saying a word. Its your right to feel mad, what happened was indeed awful to you. You shouldnt be waiting for 3 days for her message, she should be waiting for yours. And now instead on your way to acceptance and healing you are back in the mud. Awaiting the message that might never come. Precisely because you answered that message instead of maybe ignore it. 

PS I forgot to mention. Do you know why your mother misgendered her? Because she has hurt you and your mother see that. If you are maybe willing to forgive, your mom probably isnt. There, nobody had the guts to say that to you either.