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Ex suffered a nervous breakdown 4 months ago. We are just now talking again.


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2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Why do you plan to check in when she has made it clear that she is not ready and will contact you when she is in a better place? The ball is in her court here.

Also, since you say that you are not ready either, then please don't keep trying to contact her and instead focus on your own healing and reaching a better place. Don't keep ripping that scab off. Think how you felt when you shared about your job loss and all you got from her was silence. Don't do this to yourself where you are constantly stuck on why she is or isn't responding, etc.

Give both of you genuine time and space to heal, get yourselves sorted out for real. No check ins and actually trust the healing power of time and silence and the work you are both doing respectively. Then, hopefully you can both reconnect on a truly fresh clean slate and see where things go. 

There was nothing said about who would contact who when the time is right.  She said "I want to work through some things before we meet."  Then she asked me how my day was going.  I told her I only want this to happen when we are both ready, and I've questioned if I am ready, too.  Neither of us said we would be the one to do the contacting.  I just don't see the harm in sending her a message every couple weeks or so telling her I hope she's doing well.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  If she asks me not to do that, then I won't.  But that's what I plan on doing as of now.  I'm sure some people here will have a field day with that, but it's my life.  I know her better than anyone on this forum knows her and I know that's the kind of thing she would appreciate. 

I've been focused on my own healing for months.  I don't plan on stopping just because she came back into my life.  If anything her coming back into my life just gave me incentive to work harder.  Not to impress her (because I'm sure that's what some people here will think.) 

I need to start working more on my own issues in therapy again, too.  For the last few months my therapy has been more focused on processing everything that has happened.  Not just her leaving but losing my job, health issues, finding out a good friend lied to me and stole from me, etc. 

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2 hours ago, gamon said:

Clearly that's not what the other poster meant. Seems like you're here to pick fights. 

 

Think what you want.  Gender dysphoria is a mental health issue.  To say it isn't is kind of invalidating to the people who live with it.  He said this isn't an issue with her gender, orientation, etc, this is a mental health issue.  Well, gender dysphoria is also a mental health issue.  Her gender dysphoria contributed to her nervous breakdown, so how is it not an issue? 

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I guess that's what I get for defending you.

Good luck.

Well, you tried to say I called her He, which I didn't do.  I'll defend myself when it comes to that.  What I said is right there in black and white and this forum doesn't allow people to edit posts.  I said "She is a trans woman.  She was born male and is transitioning to female."  That isn't "he's transitioning to female."  And I was really confused because I thought we agreed, and then you tried to make me trip over my words and accused me of saying something I didn't. 

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17 minutes ago, Cynder said:

She said "I want to work through some things before we meet." 

Personally, I would take that as she'll contact me when she is ready. However, you do you. 

As you said, you know her better than we do. I just hope it's not along the lines of insisting on complimenting her body when she hated that so much and it made her feel terrible. Of course, you know her and you knew better, right?

One thing I've just remembered is that you don't post to get advice, you post to get validation on what you've already decided on doing. It would be helpful if you would let people know that. Save everyone a lot of grief and you'll actually get what you want - a pat on the back.

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15 minutes ago, Cynder said:

you tried to make me trip over my words and accused me of saying something I didn't. 

I did no such thing.

You are extremely defensive. I tried to help but I don't feel you want my help. You are also getting testy with most of the people who are trying to help you.

Goodbye and good luck. And I do sincerely hope everything works out the way you hope.

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29 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Well, you tried to say I called her He, which I didn't do.  I'll defend myself 

I got no dog in this right, I read the posts, I've been following the thread.

The poster in question said no such thing.

Your accusation is wrong. In fact that very same poster DEFENDED the desired use of the "she" pronoun and even REPORTED another poster for saying "he" rather than "she".

Like I said, you're here to fight- you strike first and maybe ask questions later.

 

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22 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Personally, I would take that as she'll contact me when she is ready. However, you do you. 

As you said, you know her better than we do. I just hope it's not along the lines of insisting on complimenting her body when she hated that so much and it made her feel terrible. Of course, you know her and you knew better, right?

One thing I've just remembered is that you don't post to get advice, you post to get validation on what you've already decided on doing. It would be helpful if you would let people know that. Save everyone a lot of grief and you'll actually get what you want - a pat on the back.

I was nothing but courteous to you in my reply.  Is this level of snark really necessary?  Maybe it's actually you who wants validation.  Just saying.  🙂

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Just now, Cynder said:

Obviously not very carefully.

I've read enough to know that you're antagonistic with literally every single poster who replied on this thread, you're clearly not here for advice and as you put it in an earlier post (paraphrasing): You think the forum members will have a field day with your decision to maintain contact despite being advised otherwise by several helpful posters, and you don't care.

You think we're all out to get you and have some sort of laugh at your expense, when nothing could be further from the truth, and you certainly aren't receptive to doing things any differently than what you believe to be the best course of action.

So like I said- not sure why you're here other than to argue with people but that's about the only thing you've accomplished.

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17 minutes ago, gamon said:

I got no dog in this right, I read the posts, I've been following the thread.

The poster in question said no such thing.

Your accusation is wrong. In fact that very same poster DEFENDED the desired use of the "she" pronoun and even REPORTED another poster for saying "he" rather than "she".

Like I said, you're here to fight- you strike first and maybe ask questions later.

 

Yea and then she tried to say I called my ex He in the second sentence of the second paragraph of my first post.  She went to the trouble to point out what sentence and what paragraph and what she said wasn't even there. 

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28 minutes ago, gamon said:

I've read enough to know that you're antagonistic with literally every single poster who replied on this thread, you're clearly not here for advice and as you put it in an earlier post (paraphrasing): You think the forum members will have a field day with your decision to maintain contact despite being advised otherwise by several helpful posters, and you don't care.

You think we're all out to get you and have some sort of laugh at your expense, when nothing could be further from the truth, and you certainly aren't receptive to doing things any differently than what you believe to be the best course of action.

So like I said- not sure why you're here other than to argue with people but that's about the only thing you've accomplished.

Ok, well multiple people have said my ex is on drugs/a drug addict.  One person even assumed I'm on drugs too.  She isn't. Neither am I.  People (You included)  have misgendered her.  And one person even misgendered me right after they told me multiple times that I have no spine.  People have accused me of not respecting her pronouns which I didn't do.  People have gotten snarky with me for pointing out that gender dysphoria is a mental health issue (because it is.) And there was one person who claimed her being female is only a fantasy and that she's male.  Oh yea and then someone also tried to say I posted threads about my ex refusing meds and therapy, which I never did and she never refused those things.  Jesus,. can you blame me for being frustrated? 

Edited by Cynder
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