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Ex suffered a nervous breakdown 4 months ago. We are just now talking again.


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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I think it's fine to be honest and even blunt, but not in a forceful or unkind way.

I actually think it's not a good idea to continue to engage with her because you want an "apology". It keeps you attached and mentally and emotionally still in the relationship even though you aren't really.

I used to tell my friends that my ex and I weren't together, we were just "seeing each other" because I didn't want to admit I'd gone back to him. They too were vehemently opposed to me reconciling with him because they knew he'd hurt me badly. So I fudged, and I knew I was fudging. And he and I actually were NOT back together, but not because I didn't want to be. HE was the one putting on the brakes but I wanted him so badly I just played by his rules and did whatever he wanted.

Eventually I realized how bad it was to keep seeing him. So I took the drastic step of moving 300 miles away so I literally COULDN'T see him even if I wanted to. And it worked. The fog lifted and I was finally able to tell him "no" and mean it. He pursued me for a couple of years off and on and then finally gave up.

I can understand why your friends and family are concerned. You were suicidal after the breakup and that had to be terrifying for the people who love you. They don't want that happening again.

If you two were to start seeing each other again and she once again vanished or broke up with you, do you think you could get through it OK? 

Also, you have said you believe she has "made positive changes" in her life. Has she said she has, and what specific actions has she said she's taken to make these changes?

Ok... I don't know why I have to keep explaining this over and over and over again... I DON'T WANT to get back together RIGHT NOW.  You know, all the time people hear stories about how John and Jane broke up, then some time passed, and they started talking again, and eventually they decided to try things again.  You hear people say, "Well, it just wasn't the right time the first time, they both had growing up to do." Etc.  The fact that I have to keep reiterating this again and again and again and again and again is getting irritating.  Idk...  maybe I am wired differently.  It's been suggested that I might be on the spectrum, maybe that has to do with it.  But when I read something that someone writes, I take the words they use into consideration.  I was almost an English major in college but I decided to go another way instead and be an art major.   Maybe it's because I have an interest in linguistics, etc.  I just don't get how people miss things, or add things that aren't there. 

Just like on the first page of this thread where I had to keep explaining over and over again that my ex isn't a drug addict because multiple people seemed to think she is... even though NOTHING I wrote indicates that.  That would be like if someone said, "Hi, my name is Joe and I work at a restaurant.  My favorite color is green and I'm a football fan."  And someone else was like, "Oh, so you're a drug addict then?"  To me, it reads the same.  Nothing about drugs in my OP... but my ex is a drug addict and so am I, apparently. 

If we get back together in a year or more, that would be great.  But that isn't what I'm trying for RIGHT NOW.  Should I make this whole post huge and bright red?  Is that what it's going to take?  Seriously...? 

It's not like I don't understand why my friends and family are scared for me.  I don't need it spelled out over and over again. 

Well, she told me she confronted her Dad, who used to beat her and verbally abuse her all the time when she was a kid, and had a talk with him.  She has been reconnecting with family she hasn't talked to in a long time (not her Dad, he is basically dead to her now.)  She said she has been approaching her issues.  I didn't ask for a detailed list.  It isn't my place to.  If she wants to give me every single detail that's up to her.  It was actually right after this that she told me she would rather talk more about all this stuff in person.  She did tell me that she is working on herself, and that was why she messaged me.  This is what I know as far as the changes she has made. 

Edited by Cynder
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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

she needs mental health care  now, not a relationship.

Well aware of that, thanks.

I don't agree that it's not a gender identity issue though.  Yea, that may not be the only issue, but it is one of her issues. 

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5 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Ok... I don't know why I have to keep explaining this over and over and over again... I DON'T WANT to get back together RIGHT NOW.  You know, all the time people hear stories about how John and Jane broke up, then some time past, and they started talking again, and eventually they decided to try things again.  You hear people say, "Well, it just wasn't the right time the first time, they both had growing up to do." Etc.  The fact that I have to keep reiterating this again and again and again and again and again is getting irritating.  Idk...  maybe I am wired differently.  It's been suggested that I might be on the spectrum, maybe that has to do with it.  But when I read something that someone writes, I take the words they use into consideration.  I was almost an English major in college but I decided to go another way instead and be an art major.   Maybe it's because I have an interest in linguistics, etc.  I just don't get how people miss things, or add things that aren't there.  Just like on the first page of this thread where I had to keep explaining over and over again that my ex isn't a drug addict because multiple people seemed to think she is... even though NOTHING I wrote indicates that. 

If we get back together in a year or more, that would be great.  But that isn't what I'm trying for RIGHT NOW.  Should I make this whole post huge and bright red?  Is that what it's going to take?  Seriously...?

I didn't say that. I used the words "engage with her".

Anyway...I hope for the best for you.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont like to chime in unless there is something to add of substance. Since none of you was willing to say anything and you all tip-toed around the bush, I said it. Was it blunt? Sure. But sometimes its something people need to hear. Even if it makes them mad at the moment. Lots of people here dont take our advices good. And again, that is OK. I dont expect OP to get it even now that my advice comes from good intentions toward her and that she, you and others think I am a bad guy for saying. But again, so be it. If it needs to be said I would always say it. 

Sure. Did you get it? Or did you just make her feel less bad about herself? While still being in the same mud awaiting that message?

And no, you didnt stand up for yourself. Again, she should be begging you for even an answer to that message after what she did. Left for 4 months, blocked you without even telling you the reason. Instead you had to hear some excuse from friends and after all that you still listen her back along with internal jokes like nothing ever happened. Awaited her message for 3 days only to told you how she isnt ready to face you. And you still excuse her even after that. Awaiting for next message that might never come.

Yes, you are owed apology. But after what you have gone through you dont owe her anything. If she wants to apologize she knows where you live and should need a lot more then unblocking after months of not even knowing why she left. She can come and beg and hope for you to even listen to what she has to say. Because that would be a proof that you really respect yourself more then "oh I love her and I will just await that next message when she dignifies me with an answer". No, respect yourself more. You should be livid. Mad even. Somebody left you without saying a word. Its your right to feel mad, what happened was indeed awful to you. You shouldnt be waiting for 3 days for her message, she should be waiting for yours. And now instead on your way to acceptance and healing you are back in the mud. Awaiting the message that might never come. Precisely because you answered that message instead of maybe ignore it. 

PS I forgot to mention. Do you know why your mother misgendered her? Because she has hurt you and your mother see that. If you are maybe willing to forgive, your mom probably isnt. There, nobody had the guts to say that to you either. 

I'm sorry if it's out of line to ask this, but curiosity is just really getting the better of me.  Are you a native English speaker? 

The thing that really has me wondering is in an earlier reply you called my Mom a guy.  I get misgendering me.  I have what some people would consider a gender neutral username and avatar.  And I am writing about my ex who is female.  I can see why someone would assume I'm male.  But your posts are full of errors and you used the word guy to refer to my Mom.  So I am just wondering.  I'm not saying it's bad if you aren't or anything.  Just asking a question. 

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

PS I forgot to mention. Do you know why your mother misgendered her? Because she has hurt you and your mother see that. If you are maybe willing to forgive, your mom probably isnt. There, nobody had the guts to say that to you either. 

Regardless of what happened between her and I, she still deserves to have her pronouns respected. 

Yep, go on and pat yourself on the back for defending transphobia.  Classy.  🙂

See, I have guts too. 

Edited by Cynder
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19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I didn't say that. I used the words "engage with her".

Anyway...I hope for the best for you.

I didn't mean to sound harsh.  It started with the drug thing on the first page.  If memory serves me correctly I don't think you were one of the people who said she was on drugs.  But I know multiple people did and I just kept having to repeat that she isn't and once I even had to tell someone that I'm not either.  Idk... maybe because I used to work with drug addicts... but to me it's just rude to assume someone's on drugs. 

I just keep having to explain over and over that I don't expect a relationship right now.  Not only is she not ready, but I'm not ready.  And I will even admit that after what she did I might never be ready.  But I am open to the possibility of trying again with her when/if the time is right.  I feel like she is the right one but she came along at the wrong time. 

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21 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I'm sorry if it's out of line to ask this, but curiosity is just really getting the better of me.  Are you a native English speaker? 

 

No, I am not. Probably part of the confusion but its still my fault. I thought you were a guy, not your mom. If you meant by "bad guy" I meant that as a "villain" not as a gender specific. 

17 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Regardless of what happened between her and I, she still deserves to have her pronouns respected. 

 

And I agree. Just saying that she loves you. And that she probably saw you hurt and reacted in that way because of it. Its not OK, just saying why she did it. But OK, as long as her and me are the bad people here. Oh and your friends apparently because you mentionred them and not agreeing too. But not the person who actually hurted you. No, no, no, only excuses for her lol

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6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

No, I am not. Probably part of the confusion but its still my fault. I thought you were a guy, not your mom. If you meant by "bad guy" I meant that as a "villain" not as a gender specific. 

And I agree. Just saying that she loves you. And that she probably saw you hurt and reacted in that way because of it. Its not OK, just saying why she did it. But OK, as long as her and me are the bad people here. Oh and your friends apparently because you mentionred them and not agreeing too. But not the person who actually hurted you. No, no, no, only excuses for her lol

That is exactly why my Mom said what she said.  But my ex being trans is a completely separate thing from what she did to me.  If my Mom is mad at her that's totally understandable.  Calling her "he" is just an aggressive and uncalled for thing to do, in my opinion.  My Mom was only saying that because she knows if my ex would hear her say that it would really upset her.  My Mom always respected her pronouns when we were together and she has always respected my trans cousin's pronouns.  Idk, we can agree to disagree.  I just think it was unnecessary. 

I don't think I'm making as many excuses for my ex as you think.  I never said what she did wasn't wrong.  What she did was awful.  But I commend her for knowing that and trying to make it right.  A lot of people wouldn't.  It shows she is growing and becoming a better person.  Acknowledging someone's growth isn't the same as making excuses. 

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7 minutes ago, gamon said:

Sounds to me that if he said let's get back together you'd rush right back into his arms but since that hasn't happened you're settling for "I'm not expecting anything nor do I want anything right now".

You don't have to be honest here on the forum but you'll get along better in the long run if you're honest with yourself.

 

First of all, my ex is female.  And if she knocked on my door right now and said "Let's get back together." I wouldn't just jump into her arms.  What would actually do is ask her some questions.  Like, why do you want this?  what is it about me that you want back? What have you done to make your life better since you left?  Do you have any idea what hell you put me through?  How do you feel about me not trusting you?  Because it's going to take a really long time to build up any trust again?  Are you in therapy?  How long?  How often do you go?  Are you taking your meds faithfully?  Are you sticking to your HRT or are you just taking that once in a while like you were before?  How much are you drinking?  What do you want out of a relationship with me?  Do you think I can give you what you want nedd?  Can you be what I want/need?  What if you disappear on me again?  Because I can't be sure you won't.  

And then... even if every single answer was the answer I wanted to hear, I would still tell her let's give this more time. 

And then say we do give it time... and said time passes.  And we decide this is still what we want.  Then I would talk to her about going out on a date.  Just one night as more than friends, to see if the feelings are still there on both sides. 

And then, I guess we would take things really slow from there.  That's what I would do if she wanted me back.  So far though, there's been nothing indicating that she does.  So I am trying to not hope/expect anything. 

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I think you're raw from a break up and need time to let the dust settle before deciding on anything to do with an ex. Ignore or report any comments that are transphobic or disrespectful in terms of inappropriate pronouns. You've made it abundantly clear that she identifies as female so that needs to be respected. Where individuals aren't able to do that it only reflects on their ignorance and disrespect of others or you.

From what you've written your ex may have seemed ok to start but something happened where she no longer felt comfortable within the relationship or with herself to continue a relationship with you. It sounds like it has to do with issues with her body, self-image and things fell apart from there. Whether it's due to mental health issues or not, you're both broken up and it's caused pain for you. Should you continue to hold out hope? That's something that you alone will decide over time but I don't think any answers will come soon. Alcohol to the point of drinking in excess is a huge concern.

Give yourself more time for all this to sink in. She may be a lovely person but she and you are no longer an item and I think it takes time for the heart to accept that, then see where and what went wrong. You can decide later whether this is worth revisiting again.

 

 

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5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Ignore or report any comments that are transphobic or disrespectful in terms of inappropriate pronouns. You've made it abundantly clear that she identifies as female so that needs to be respected. Where individuals aren't able to do that it only reflects on their ignorance and disrespect of others or you

@CynderI did report the post that disrespected your ex's gender identity. That was unnecessarily cruel.  No matter how any of us feel about your situation or what advice we have to offer, there's no need to be deliberately insensitive.

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17 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I think you're raw from a break up and need time to let the dust settle before deciding on anything to do with an ex. Ignore or report any comments that are transphobic or disrespectful in terms of inappropriate pronouns. You've made it abundantly clear that she identifies as female so that needs to be respected. Where individuals aren't able to do that it only reflects on their ignorance and disrespect of others or you.

From what you've written your ex may have seemed ok to start but something happened where she no longer felt comfortable within the relationship or with herself to continue a relationship with you. It sounds like it has to do with issues with her body, self-image and things fell apart from there. Whether it's due to mental health issues or not, you're both broken up and it's caused pain for you. Should you continue to hold out hope? That's something that you alone will decide over time but I don't think any answers will come soon. Alcohol to the point of drinking in excess is a huge concern.

Give yourself more time for all this to sink in. She may be a lovely person but she and you are no longer an item and I think it takes time for the heart to accept that, then see where and what went wrong. You can decide later whether this is worth revisiting again.

 

 

Not arguing, I'm just pointing out, this relationship ended four months ago.  I know that's not a lot of time.  But it seems like you might think it just ended.  I'm just keeping facts in line. 

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23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

@CynderI did report the post that disrespected your ex's gender identity. That was unnecessarily cruel.  No matter how any of us feel about your situation or what advice we have to offer, there's no need to be deliberately insensitive.

This 100%.  Yea, that post (assuming we are talking about the same one... back on the first page where someone said her being female is "Just a fantasy" and she's actually male.) was disgusting.  And it really pissed me off that the person who said that tried to lay blame on me.  They were like, "Well you said he's transitioning to female."  Uh... no I didn't.  Don't put word on my keyboard and then try to justify your actions by something I didn't even say. 

Oddly enough... this is something that takes it to the other extreme.   I am on a few online support groups for partners of trans people.  And on one group particularly I've had some people get REALLY nasty with me just for posting about how hurt I was over the breakup.  Some people in that group seem to think that all trans people are above reproach and to even point out that a trans person hurt me is transphobic.  In this hyper sensitive culture there are people who don't understand that marginalized people can still be mean, flawed, cruel, etc.  She left because I told her she was beautiful too many times.  And so me being supportive of her and treating her like the beautiful woman she is pushed her away.  And then I go to a group where some people might be able to relate to that (on both sides) and instead of finding any sympathy I get accused of hate speech and being a transphobe.  That is just one group though.  There is a group on Reddit for partners of trans people that is awesome.  I've made some friends in that group and it's been really helpful to me both post breakup and when we were together. 

Anyway, thank you for reporting that post.  🙂  I have to go clean and re-bandage the oozing nastiness on my arm now.  The most beautiful tattoo I've ever gotten and of course it gets infected.  My luck, lol. 

Edited by Cynder
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4 hours ago, Cynder said:

I don't know why I have to keep explaining this over and over and over again... I DON'T WANT to get back together RIGHT NOW.

I think that people read that loud and clear. We are concerned about the "RIGHT NOW" part of that sentence. At least I am. Bottom line, it means that you want to get back together; it's just a matter of when and how. 

I'd like to say that's fine. But I can't say that in good conscience when you're asking how you can guard yourself against a disappointment that will kill you the next time it happens.

The only way that you can begin to guard yourself is to take a BIG step back. Really open your mind to the possibility of NOT getting back together. 

But instead, you're rushing back in. Saying "not right now" doesn't "un-rush" things. It means that you've made the decision to reconcile at some point in the future. "Taking it slow" would be delaying the decision altogether, taking a year off to heal, etc.

If you weren't already sure that you wanted to get back together, you'd just say, "I don't want to get back together." There would be no "right now" caveat. No questioning of texts and silences.

Getting back together is not the only future. 

Edited by Jibralta
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15 hours ago, Cynder said:

They were like, "Well you said he's transitioning to female."  Uh... no I didn't.

You actually did say that in the second sentence of the second paragraph of your original post. But that's irrelevant. It's not necessary to deliberately keep using the inaccurate pronoun just to be hurtful. How anyone feels about the validity of gender identification isn't what's under discussion here.

I still feel that continuing to engage and communicate with her before the both of you are on solid emotional ground is playing with fire. And I'm not saying 100% perfectly mentally healthy because who is? I mean a solid footing so another breakup wouldn't be catastrophic to your mental and emotional well-being.

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4 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Gender dysphoria is a mental health issue.

You seem to want people to walk on eggshells around and will contradict the title of your own thread to do so. Is this about her 'nervous breakdown' and moving out or a political rant?

Quote

Ex suffered a nervous breakdown 4 months ago.

 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to want people to walk on eggshells around and will contradict the title of your own thread to do so. Is this about her 'nervous breakdown' and moving out or a political rant?

 

Not saying she doesn't have mental issues.  Gender dysphoria is one of her issues.  You said this wasn't about her gender.  I disagreed.  I don't think that's the only thing.  But it's still a thing.  

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You actually did say that in the second sentence of the second paragraph of your original post. But that's irrelevant. It's not necessary to deliberately keep using the inaccurate pronoun just to be hurtful. How anyone feels about the validity of gender identification isn't what's under discussion here.

I still feel that continuing to engage and communicate with her before the both of you are on solid emotional ground is playing with fire. And I'm not saying 100% perfectly mentally healthy because who is? I mean a solid footing so another breakup wouldn't be catastrophic to your mental and emotional well-being.

I didn't call her "he." Not once. What I said was "She is a trans woman.  Born male, transitioning to female." This isn't the same as "he's transition to female." I've respected her pronouns all through this thread.  Please don't put words on my keyboard.  

I agree with the second part of your post.  We talked briefly on Monday.  I plan to just check in with her here and there until she is ready for us to talk in person.  And before everyone starts asking "well why are you the only one doing the checking in???" I'm sure she will check in with me too.  She knows she isn't ready and I have a lot of respect for that.  I don't think I am ready either.  

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6 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I didn't call her "he." Not once. What I said was "She is a trans woman.  Born male, transitioning to female." This isn't the same as "he's transition to female." I've respected her pronouns all through this thread.  Please don't put words on my keyboard.  

 

Clearly that's not what the other poster meant. Seems like you're here to pick fights. 

 

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7 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I plan to just check in with her here and there until she is ready for us to talk in person.  And before everyone starts asking "well why are you the only one doing the checking in???" I'm sure she will check in with me too.  She knows she isn't ready and I have a lot of respect for that.  I don't think I am ready either.  

Why do you plan to check in when she has made it clear that she is not ready and will contact you when she is in a better place? The ball is in her court here.

Also, since you say that you are not ready either, then please don't keep trying to contact her and instead focus on your own healing and reaching a better place. Don't keep ripping that scab off. Think how you felt when you shared about your job loss and all you got from her was silence. Don't do this to yourself where you are constantly stuck on why she is or isn't responding, etc.

Give both of you genuine time and space to heal, get yourselves sorted out for real. No check ins and actually trust the healing power of time and silence and the work you are both doing respectively. Then, hopefully you can both reconnect on a truly fresh clean slate and see where things go. 

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17 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I didn't call her "he." Not once. What I said was "She is a trans woman.  Born male, transitioning to female." This isn't the same as "he's transition to female." I've respected her pronouns all through this thread.  Please don't put words on my keyboard.  

I agree with the second part of your post.  We talked briefly on Monday.  I plan to just check in with her here and there until she is ready for us to talk in person.  And before everyone starts asking "well why are you the only one doing the checking in???" I'm sure she will check in with me too.  She knows she isn't ready and I have a lot of respect for that.  I don't think I am ready either.  

I guess that's what I get for defending you.

Good luck.

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