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Ex suffered a nervous breakdown 4 months ago. We are just now talking again.


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So, this is the simplified version of the story.  My ex and I were planning on getting married.  I have never been so happy with anyone and I have never felt so connected to anyone in my life.  She is the love of my life.  And I am still in love with her. 

She is a trans woman.  Born male, transitioning to female.  She was on hormones and antidepressants to varying degrees throughout our relationship.  She didn't always take her meds.  And long story short, one day she just snapped and left while I was at work.  I mean... Monday we are talking about wedding plans.  Wednesday she leaves.  It was that sudden. 

Her Mom and I even talked.  Her Mom called me and actually was consoling me a few days after she left.  She said she had never seen her daughter happier and didn't understand the situation at all. 

She blocked me everywhere.  She told some mutual friends that she left because I told her she was beautiful one too many times.  When said friends asked her to explain she said she hates her body and decided she can't be with someone who loves her body.  This was obviously devastating to me.  I tried so hard to support her.  I know she hated her body because of dysphoria.  But to me she always was, and still is, drop dead gorgeous.  I had no idea me telling her that was upsetting her. 

So... 4 months of NC.  And then I woke up on Tuesday to a bunch of texts from her out of nowhere.  She told me she has never felt so bad about anything in her life, she hates herself, she knows she made mistakes, she knows she's a piece of crap, etc.  I had no clue what to say so I just replied, "I am not sure what to say." 

But later that day we actually talked, and we have been talking off and on since.  She wants to get together face to face and talk about things but right now that's proving difficult because of opposite work schedules.  The other night we were talking and things got really emotional on both sides.  She actually cut the conversation off.  She said she's not trying to cut it short, but she is getting really emotional and would rather talk face to face "about the end of us."  Because we were talking about her leaving. 

Well, then yesterday I got let go from my job unexpectedly.  When I got home I texted her and said "Well, my work schedule will be changing here soon because I just got laid off.  Guess I might end up at the paintbrush factory after all, lol."  The paintbrush thing is kind of an inside thing.  And I haven't heard anything from her since. 

I am trying so hard to stay guarded and not hope for anything.  But to be completely honest, what I want is to be with her again.  I know that will take some time.  And that's if that's even what she wants.  I don't know if that's what she wants.  She has said she wants us to talk face to face and that she doesn't want to completely cut each other out.  She has also said multiple times that she doesn't hate me but that she hates herself for what she did to me, etc. She has said she's working on her mental issues, and that's why she messaged me.  I know what she went through was awful.  And I am trying to keep in mind that she's likely not in any mental shape for a relationship.  But even though I do want to get back together, I want that to happen over time.  I want to ease into it, not just meet up and decide we are a couple again.  Mental issues or not, what she did was still really hurtful, callous and cruel. 

So I guess my questions are how do I stay grounded here and not get swept up in the idea that I will rekindle things with her.  I don't want to get my hopes up and then be hurt again.  And also... was it too much to tell her I lost my job?  I don't want her to think I was just after sympathy.  I really was just telling her because it will make meeting up easier. 

Thanks in advance. 

 

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I also want to add... because it's too late to edit my post.  My family and some of my friends are absolutely livid with me for even giving her this opportunity.  My Mom told me (Her words, not mine) "If you two get back together HE will never be accepted as a part of this family and HE will not be welcome in my house."  I hate that she referred to her as he.  And that she emphasized it like that... she is being disrespectful on purpose.   I come from a huge Italian family.  There are a lot of LGBTQ people in my family, too.  I even have trans family members.  So it's not that my Mom doesn't like trans people.  She is just being mean.  (And just so we are clear, I'm not saying it would be ok if my Mom just didn't like trans people.  Neither are ok in my book.) 

And I've had a few friends do the whole, "Well it's your life.  And I will support your decision.  And when it all blows up in your face I won't say I told you so."  The fact that so many people just assume this whole thing will go sideways really scares me.  This is another reason I am trying to not hope, not trust, and keep a wall around myself.  But it's so hard when I love her this much. 

Edited by Cynder
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4 minutes ago, Cynder said:

My Mom told me (Her word, not mine) "If you two get back together HE will never be accepted as a part of this family and HE will not be welcome in my house."

The instability is much more disconcerting than the trans situation.

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Speaking for myself only, if I was in your position, I would only ever go back to her after she has been for counseling/therapy for a good period of time to help her with all her mental issues.  Emotionally she sounds a mess and like she really needs professional help to help her through many issues.  Only once she's in a mentally healthier place would I consider going back and even then, take it very very slowly.

 

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10 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Speaking for myself only, if I was in your position, I would only ever go back to her after she has been for counseling/therapy for a good period of time to help her with all her mental issues.  Emotionally she sounds a mess and like she really needs professional help to help her through many issues.  Only once she's in a mentally healthier place would I consider going back and even then, take it very very slowly.

 

Yea, I have some requirements if I were to take her back.  Therapy is one.  Cutting back on the drinking is another.  In the time we were together she went from being a casual/social drinker to someone who gets bombed several times a week and had no problem getting behind the wheel wasted.  I understand she was self medicating.  But still... it's no fun dealing with someone who is sloppy drunk half the time and it sucks going to bed next to this person and having to make sure they are on their side so they don't puke and choke to death.  Although, from the way it sounds she has already cut way back, I want to know for sure she has before I take her back. 

And I feel like I'm jumping the gun here.  All of this is assuming she even wants me back at all.  It's what I want.  But she has to want it too. 

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2 hours ago, Cynder said:

My Mom told me (Her words, not mine) "If you two get back together HE will never be accepted as a part of this family and HE will not be welcome in my house."  I hate that she referred to her as he.  And that she emphasized it like that... she is being disrespectful on purpose.

You said he's transitioning to be a female. Which means he is very much a he. Just because he wants to think of himself as a female doesn't make it magically happen, it's a fantasy, it's not reality. You may hate your mother for saying it but she's simply being accurate and realistic.

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Not sure who said -more than one person - "date people not projects."  But you do you.  You seem to have your mind made up that you want to give this a go again if she will.  It's a free country - you don't have to date anyone and you can date anyone you like. What I would suggest is come up with reasons other than of the variety of "I can't help myself" and "but I LOVE her."  You've already listed a few of your conditions. 

If it were me and it is not I'd do what Capricorn suggested and only consider this after a full year of sobriety and stability on her part (at the bare minimum) with no dating/interaction beyond polite check in messages throughout then.  Again that is what I would do if there was a remote possibility of my going back for round two.  Hypothetically.  But it sounds like you're more of the mindset that you want to be with her ASAP and that that is a priority given your strong feelings about her.

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Is she on medication? Is she seeing a physician and a psychiatrist on an ongoing basis?  Has she completely stopped self medicating?  Is she attending support groups for addicts?

If not, then be prepared for more of the push away, pull back, push away behavior she seems to be demonstrating just as she always has.

What specifically has changed other than her contacting you saying she misses you?  And what have YOU done to change your attraction to unstable people?  And why is it you are choosing to completely disregard the concerns of everyone else in your world who loves you?

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2 hours ago, gamon said:

You said he's transitioning to be a female. Which means he is very much a he. Just because he wants to think of himself as a female doesn't make it magically happen, it's a fantasy, it's not reality. You may hate your mother for saying it but she's simply being accurate and realistic.

Um... wow.  I'm almost speechless.  First of all, I didn't say that.  What I said was this:

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

 

She is a trans woman.  Born male, transitioning to female.  She was on hormones and antidepressants to varying degrees throughout our relationship.  She didn't always take her meds.  And long story short, one day she just snapped and left while I was at work.  I mean... Monday we are talking about wedding plans.  Wednesday she leaves.  It was that sudden. 

 

I also didn't say I hate my Mom.  I said I hate that she was so disrespectful. 

But I get the feeling none of that will matter.  Cheers. 

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So I thought about it and I take back what I wrote completely.  Because even hypothetically I just can't relate to what you wrote and can't provide any sort of input that has anything to do with you being in more than a cordial acquaintanceship with this person.  It's not helpful to twist myself into a pretzel -it kind of feels like if I was asked to imagine defending the decisions of the parents who are now arrested in the school shootings in Michigan.  Obviously we're not discussing the exact same sort of life/death risk they took but it feels like as if I were asked to do that.  I'd have to decline.  

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Not sure who said -more than one person - "date people not projects."  But you do you.  You seem to have your mind made up that you want to give this a go again if she will.  It's a free country - you don't have to date anyone and you can date anyone you like. What I would suggest is come up with reasons other than of the variety of "I can't help myself" and "but I LOVE her."  You've already listed a few of your conditions. 

If it were me and it is not I'd do what Capricorn suggested and only consider this after a full year of sobriety and stability on her part (at the bare minimum) with no dating/interaction beyond polite check in messages throughout then.  Again that is what I would do if there was a remote possibility of my going back for round two.  Hypothetically.  But it sounds like you're more of the mindset that you want to be with her ASAP and that that is a priority given your strong feelings about her.

Well, I am in love with her, no denying that.  And It's not one of those situations where I moved on and got over her and then suddenly she pops back up after 4 months and suddenly I love her again.  I never stopped loving her and never moved on. 

I don't want to jump right back in.  If she wants the same thing I want to go about it really slow.  I'm keeping my guard up.  That was actually one of my biggest reasons for posting this.  Keeping my guard up will be tricky with her because of our history.  You used to read my journal on here last year when I was with her...  so you probably remember how happy I was with her.  Staying guarded is going to be a challenge.  I just don't want to get hurt again like I did before.  And as odd as it might seem I am trying hard to not take it personally.  She had a nervous breakdown.  It's not like she just woke up one day and decided to be really sadistic and leave.  She also really hurt my nephew who lives with me.  They were close, too.  I haven't told him she contacted me yet and I won't unless it really starts going somewhere.  And even then... not for a while. 

I have more conditions other than therapy and drinking.  But they are hard to explain without writing a ton of backstory. 

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36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is she on medication? Is she seeing a physician and a psychiatrist on an ongoing basis?  Has she completely stopped self medicating?  Is she attending support groups for addicts?

If not, then be prepared for more of the push away, pull back, push away behavior she seems to be demonstrating just as she always has.

What specifically has changed other than her contacting you saying she misses you?  And what have YOU done to change your attraction to unstable people?  And why is it you are choosing to completely disregard the concerns of everyone else in your world who loves you?

I don't know the answers to a lot of your questions.  Our conversations haven't gotten to that point yet.  I will save that for when we actually talk face to face.  I'm sure people will think I'm arguing, but she's not a drug addict.  I'm only pointing this out because you asked if she's attending support groups for addicts.  I'm guessing not, because she has no reason to.  In my opinion an alcoholic and a drug addict are two different things and this is coming from someone who grew up around both and used to work in a drug rehab facility. 

When I met her she honestly seemed like one of the most stable people in my life.  She had a decent job.  She was really down to Earth and had this awesome work ethic.  She is very multi talented.  She's a profession chef and a martial arts black belt.  Plus she also had been in a few bands.  So honestly, I think most people would be attracted to someone like her.  If you met someone who was really nice, and funny, and down to earth, etc.  And they also were really talented in a lot of things, and on top of that really good looking, would you be attracted to them?  I know I am not perfect, but I won't fault myself too much for falling for someone who eventually had a nervous breakdown.  I am not a psychic.  I had no clue this was coming. 

I have used this time to make a lot of changes in my own life, though.  I cut out a few toxic friends.  I started eating a lot healthier and taking better care of myself.  I started getting rid of a lot of stuff I don't use and de cluttering my house.  I got back into the gym and started working out again. 

I don't think I'm completely disregarding everyone's concerns either.  It's not like she texted me and I was like, "Hey baby, come over so we can hop in the sack and then lets move you back into my house and start planning our wedding!"  I just agreed to meet up with her.  I have things I need to say too and I deserve to have my voice heard.  I am admitting that I still love her and that I do want to be with her, but when the time and circumstances are right, if they are ever.  I asked how to keep my guard up. 

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25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So I thought about it and I take back what I wrote completely.  Because even hypothetically I just can't relate to what you wrote and can't provide any sort of input that has anything to do with you being in more than a cordial acquaintanceship with this person.  It's not helpful to twist myself into a pretzel -it kind of feels like if I was asked to imagine defending the decisions of the parents who are now arrested in the school shootings in Michigan.  Obviously we're not discussing the exact same sort of life/death risk they took but it feels like as if I were asked to do that.  I'd have to decline.  

I understand completely.

I actually wrote a really long entry in my journal on here about this situation.  I know you used to read and comment there a lot before I took a hiatus.  I'm not saying it will change your opinion but it might be an interesting read.  Her leaving is just one of the things that has completely turned my life upside down in the last four months. 

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I remember your previous posts.  Are you now saying there was only one incident and other than that one incident she never exhibited any unstable behaviors?

5 minutes ago, Cynder said:

someone who eventually had a nervous breakdown.  I am not a psychic.  I had no clue this was coming. 

I believe you did have clues.  But you wanted her so you ignored them.

Are you still seeing a therapist?  If so, what does your therapist think about you reconnecting with her?

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I remember your previous posts.  Are you now saying there was only one incident and other than that one incident she never exhibited any unstable behaviors?

I believe you did have clues.  But you wanted her so you ignored them.

Are you still seeing a therapist?  If so, what does your therapist think about you reconnecting with her?

Yes I am.  Therapy is costing me a fortune right now because I lost my job due to COVID and I have no insurance.  But I am still in therapy.  I don't know what my therapist thinks yet because I haven't had an appointment since this happened. 

What do you think were my clues?

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43 minutes ago, Cynder said:

 If you met someone who was really nice, and funny, and down to earth, etc.  And they also were really talented in a lot of things, and on top of that really good looking, would you be attracted to them?

Sure, anyone would be attracted to that. BUT, that's only one half of their full picture and it's the other half which (for me) would be a lot more important and relevant.  The other half being:  A person who has shown signs of mental instability, has therapy for a number of issues, has depression and does not always take the prescribed medication, hates her body (dysphoria), <> alcohol issues, still showing a lot of signs of clear mental health issues etc etc etc.  For me, ALL of those issues would have been a deal breaker from the get-go.

Of course, I can appreciate someone's talent, looks etc, but when it comes with a huge raft of (once again, for me) serious issues, that's where I draw the line and steer clear and don't get involved.

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3 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Sure, anyone would be attracted to that. BUT, that's only one half of their full picture and it's the other half which (for me) would be a lot more important and relevant.  The other half being:  A person who has shown signs of mental instability, has therapy for a number of issues, has depression and does not always take the prescribed medication, hates her body (dysphoria), drugs or alcohol issues, still showing a lot of signs of clear mental health issues etc etc etc.  For me, ALL of those issues would have been a deal breaker from the get-go.

Of course, I can appreciate someone's talent, looks etc, but when it comes with a huge raft of (once again, for me) serious issues, that's where I draw the line and steer clear and don't get involved.

Well, in all fairness your first paragraph could also describe me... except for the drugs.  She doesn't have a drug problem.  She never has.  Idk why multiple people have said that.  And people are going to think I'm arguing but I'm just keeping the facts straight.  She doesn't have a drug problem. 

For the i don't know how manyeth time, I asked how to keep my guard up.  And I also asked if it was out of line to tell her I just lost my job. 

It's not like I don't know she has a lot of issues.  It is getting a little frustrating though that people are just making up issues that aren't there. 

If I just pointed at some random guy and was like, "Hey, see that guy over there. I don't know him but  he's a drug addict."  Most people would be really confused. 

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5 minutes ago, Cynder said:

  She doesn't have a drug problem.  She never has. 

My apologies.  I'll edit that out of my post.  So it's only an alcohol problem, which again, for me, (and many others), would be a deal breaker.  But that's okay. We are all different.  Some don't see it as a problem, and others do.  There's no right or wrong. We make our own choices.

I wish you well.

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16 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Something I remember reading is trans people have higher suicide rates due to not ever really being able to accept their body. It's tragic.

So a long-term commitment probably would mean accepting that risk.

Yea, this is true, and yes, it is very tragic.  And what's really sad is usually even after completely transitioning they still deal with the dysphoria.  I know one big thing for her was that she couldn't actually get pregnant and carry a baby.  And knowing that she would never be able to was something she really struggled with.  She also really had a lot of regret about not coming out sooner and starting her transition sooner.  She is in her mid 40s.  She is one of those trans women who is lucky enough to look really feminine naturally.  Even the pics I saw of her as a man... she was a feminine looking man.  She is really petite and has really soft features and practically no body hair.  So, she already won the genetic lottery.  But that just made things worse for her.  Because if she started earlier on her transition it would be almost impossible to tell she was born male.  She could pass for a cis woman easily.  The only thing that gives her away is her voice.  She still has a deep voice. 

And yea, that's something I talked to my therapist about a lot when we were still together.  The long term risk of being with a trans person...  The suicide rate is high.  And living with someone who has that level of body dysphoria can be exhausting at times.  Plus bottom surgery ruins sex for a lot of them, and thus also ruins sex for their partners.  And also it was going to be really crushing seeing her go all the way through her transition, and then still suffer from dysphoria. 

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4 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

My apologies.  I'll edit that out of my post.  So it's only an alcohol problem, which again, for me, (and many others), would be a deal breaker.  But that's okay. We are all different.  Some don't see it as a problem, and others do.  There's no right or wrong. We make our own choices.

I wish you well.

I do see her drinking as a problem.  I don't know how much she drinks now, but it was definitely a problem the last few months I was with her.  If I was ever going to take her back that is one of my conditions.  I don't want to spend my time taking care of a sloppy drunk.  I grew up around alcoholics.  Already had my fill of that in life. 

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I used the word "addict". That word can apply to narcotics, alcohol or prescription medication or even food. As I'm sure you know from your professional experience.

As for what the clues were, I remember your previous posts. There have been serious mental health issues along with her refusal to stay on therapeutic medications or attend regular and ongoing professional therapy and self medicating. 

Your family and friends love you. They may have seen disturbing behaviors and emotional distress on your part that they attribute to your relationship with her. And that's possibly why they oppose you reconnecting with her in any way that could lead you back down that path.

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I used the word "addict". That word can apply to narcotics, alcohol or prescription medication or even food. As I'm sure you know from your professional experience.

As for what the clues were, I remember your previous posts. There have been serious mental health issues along with her refusal to stay on therapeutic medications or attend regular and ongoing professional therapy and self medicating. 

Your family and friends love you. They may have seen disturbing behaviors and emotional distress on your part that they attribute to your relationship with her. And that's possibly why they oppose you reconnecting with her in any way that could lead you back down that path.

Yea, and I also know from my professional experience that when most people refer to support groups for alcoholics they say "AA" Even though there are other ones besides AA, that has become a generic term for any kind of support group for alcoholics.  At least in my part of the world.  And when people are talking about groups for drug addicts, they usually say NA.  I know it's just a matter for semantics, but when someone is referring to an alcoholic they usually use the word alcoholic, not addict, even though alcoholics are technically addicts. 

I am not claiming to be an expert on addiction.  I was a receptionist/shelter monitor at the rehab center.  In other words sometimes I worked the front desk, answered the phone, signed for packages, buzzed people in, etc.  I also was in charge of walking through the shelter and making sure everything was ok.  No residents are fist fighting, no one is passed out, etc.  And it was really interesting how many people who came in there from outside businesses like UPS, etc, just assumed I was a resident working the front desk.  I have crazy colored hair and a lot of tattoos.  So I must be on drugs, lol.  I'm only saying this so people don't think I'm pretending to be something I'm not. 

 

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