Man I just start seeing has health issues

[Pinkbutterfly]

Hi. So about a month ago I moved to a different city. I kept working on the same company but switched to the office in the new city. I met a co-worker there and we had a great chemistry. We talked a lot and flirt and had funny conversations since day 1. After work he kept texting me and we talked nonstop, sending pictures and just had and effortless great conversation. Shortly after we had sex and it was amazing. It was the best sex I had in my life and surprisingly after we had sex he seemed even more interested. We continued with the same style of communication and a little flirting at work. After few days I went to my home city for few days and during the time I was at home we kept talking a lot, also during the day and evenings. I always knew he was very busy and I appreciated that he made time to send me flirty texts during the day. While I was in my home town we had a more serious conversation where he told me about a health issue he had few months ago (I already new about this but he didn't give details before) and he told me about the mentally and psychological impact that period had on him. He always used to be very happy and playful and optimistic and in that period he needed to go through therapy because of the thoughts he had. Also in that conversation he told me that he isn't looking for anything serious, that he's focus is on his kids (he's divorced and I was aware of the situation from the first day) and his career and that he got used to being alone and he knows he's a cold and difficult person. Of course for me in that period he didn't seem cold or difficult at all...he was very sweet and talkative and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. After this conversation the things between us continued the way they were before, nothing changed in his behaviour. 

3 days after, in which time everything was normal, I went back to the city where he was and it was great when we saw each other again. Great sex and talking and everything. This was on a Thursday. On Friday everything seemed normal but on Saturday he only gave me short messages, not asking a lot of questions or trying to keep the conversation going but he was with his kids so I just assumed that he was spending time with them. On the next day I heard nothing from him. (It was actually the first time we haven't talked since we met) so on Monday I sent him a short good morning message and just trying to keep it friendly. He answered but he seemed a little bit less enthusiastic than usually and in the afternoon I asked him again how his day went and we had a phone conversation telling me that he was very busy. (We don't see each other at work very often because he's mostly working from home) and later that evening he texted me if I wanted to meet up. We did and the evening was great, he seemed like he was on his normal behaviour. 

But in the rest of the week we barely had any conversation. When we met at work even if we stayed next to each other we barely exchanged any words, he was always very busy. We also had some after work activities with the co-workers where he was behaving normal with everyone but not showing any particular attention to me. The whole week we only talked if I was initiating the conversation but he never texted or called me or anything. He was always responding but he wasn't as enthusiastic as he was before when we were talking and he didn't really tried to keep the conversation flowing and it usually died pretty quickly. We had no longer having night conversations or anything sexy or flirty. We had some fun conversations but everything was usually work related. He told me one day that he is not having a good period and his being off and not in the right mood those days. In the weekend I didn't text him anything, neither did he but I let him know on Sunday night that I will be going to my home town on Wednesday and I would like to see him before I leave and to let me know if he has the time. I wanted to ask him what happened and to just let me know if he lost is interest but I didn't say anything then because I was waiting to do it f2f. He told me that he cannot meet up because his daughter may be ill and he is monitoring her and she will stay with him the whole week but that he will come to the office the next day (Monday). At work he seemed again pretty normal, funny and well, but he didn't made time to talk with me privately at all and he left earlier than the normal schedule just waving at me and without saying anything. I texted him after and I told him that I hoped we would catch a moment before I was leaving and he told me that he had to leave because his daughter was not feeling well. Of course I understood and I didn't say anything, just that I hope she will be alright. Surprisingly, in the afternoon he texted me to tell me that I looked beautiful in that day and asked me what am I doing. We kept chatting for a while but nothing relevant and no good night conversation or something like this. On Tuesday we had an after work activity with the colleagues and he seemed very well. He was happy and joking with some colleagues, not really interacting with me a lot, although he tried making conversation with me few times but I was really upset and confused about his behaviour that I wasn't so nice when responding to him. I just kept everything minimum and didn't try to make any effort to have a conversation with him. In that evening when we left from there, we met in traffic, and our cars were next to each other while waiting at the red light and he looked at me and he was smiling and waving and I just looked at him upset and the tried to ignore him while we were waiting for the green light. Few minutes after he called me to see why I was upset. I told him that I didn't know what was happening to him because he seems to ignore me for the last week and that his behaviour and interest in me changed completely and I don't really know how to react to this. Especially I was confused because he was telling me that he was having some off time and he was always complaining about how busy he is, but when we were with the colleagues he seemed pretty happy and well, especially in that evening. He told me that it was nothing personal and that he was very stressed because in the next day (Wednesday) he was going to have a follow-up check regarding his illness from few months ago and all the negative thoughts he had before are coming back and he has to cope with this and focus on his kids and he was not in the mood for talking to me or thinking about anything like this. And just that his behaviour has nothing to do with me and he's still enjoying to hear from me when I contact him. He also felt the need to remind me that he isn't looking for anything serious (although I never asked him for anything more) and that he is used with dealing with this alone. Also he said that I should have told him earlier that I was upset to avoid boiling up and having this little conflict. And about the behaviour when the colleagues were around, he told me that he's always trying to be like this in public and even few months ago when he had the health problems, he didn't let this be seen by other people. All in all, he is very independent and when he as issues he most likely shuts down and deals with it on his own. 

 

On the following day, after some thinking, I told him that it was okay, I wasn't as much upset as confused and I'm trying my best to understand him but I've never been through something similar and I cannot do it if he isn't telling me what's going on with him and I apologised that I got upset for this. We chatted a little and in the evening I was leaving to my home town. He texted me when he went to the doctor and I was just about to leave the city and I told him to let me know how it goes. After about 2 hours, while I was driving he texted me a longer that usual message saying that the check up was not okay and it looks like he has to go through some other investigations and it's not sure what's going to happen. He also told me that he doesn't want to talk about it or think about it right now. I only told him that I was sorry and not to think about the worst case scenario until he knows more. In the same evening I texted him when I got home and he just said that he's glad I got home safe and wished me good night. 

 

We haven't talked since then (2 days), only something very shortly today but work related, nothing personal. I don't really know how to talk to him. I know he's in a weird place and preoccupied with other things...but I want to know if he's alright and what's going on in his life. I don't really know what's appropriate to do in this kind of situations. He said that he doesn't want to think about it...so I wouldn't want to ask him specific things about this, but I think it would be weird to just act like nothing happened and send him funny and flirty messages although he said that it doesn't bother him and he still enjoys talking to me. I also wouldn't want to go completely silent after he opened up and told me that he's not okay. I would like him to know that I'm still here and that I care about his well-being but still give him the privacy and time to deal with his problems. 

[Batya33]

I find this confusing because he's been very clear -and honest -that he doesn't want anything serious with you (yes, assume it's "with you" because it will make it easier not to get too attached or make up stories like he's into you but "can't" be in a serious relationship).  Your post reads like someone who is dating someone seriously so obviously you are wayyyy more attached to him than he is to you. 

If you want to be supportive of your coworker simply tell him "I'm here for support and to chat as a friend and if I can help you with specific resources for what is going on with you I can help in that way too".  I mean given that he doesn't see serious potential and you are still attracted to him I'd probably not even do that.  But that is the absolute most I would do if you truly care aside from "please please want and desire me again!!"

And certainly enjoy the memories of the fling you two had -sounded like you had fun!

[Pinkbutterfly]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I find this confusing because he's been very clear -and honest -that he doesn't want anything serious with you (yes, assume it's "with you" because it will make it easier not to get too attached or make up stories like he's into you but "can't" be in a serious relationship).  Your post reads like someone who is dating someone seriously so obviously you are wayyyy more attached to him than he is to you. 

Thank you for your reply. I obviously know that I'm more into him. I was just confused because from the beginning I only tried to keep things casual and fun and he was the one who reached out a lot and started asking me about personal subjects like family and relationships and talking about this sort of things. My intention was never to get into this sort of topics. But after he did this I got more involved. I'm not usually the type who talks easily about personal things and he's neither so I don't know why he opened up to me if he wasn't interested in getting to know me.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Pinkbutterfly said:

I obviously know that I'm more into him. I was just confused because from the beginning I only tried to keep things casual and fun and he was the one who reached out a lot and started asking me about personal subjects like family and relationships and talking about this sort of things. My intention was never to get into this sort of topics. But after he did this I got more involved. I'm not usually the type who talks easily about personal things and he's neither so I don't know why he opened up to me if he wasn't interested in getting to know me.

He did because there were no strings attached - he liked that he couldn't possibly lead you on because he made it clear he wasn't that into you in any serious way and you were available to talk to about personal stuff he couldn't talk about with others.  You chose to get more involved with his personal stuff.  Doesn't sound like he was that interested in what was going on with you and he made that clear by telling you he did not want to be serious with you.  You chose to get attached.  This is the downside. 

That's why I suggested focus on how much fun the flirty texts and sex were for you for the length of time the fling lasted.  If your intention was not to get personal your actions were inconsistent with your intention.  He did nothing wrong -you're an adult, you knew where he stood, you chose to have personal convos with him.  But again you benefited a lot -you had so much fun, right?  You figured the fun was worth the downside but it doesn't always work out that way.

[lostandhurt]

Not knowing how serious his diagnosis is leaves much of this up to a simple guess.

He probably saw things getting serious but was not sure of his own future so he backed off.

  Give him some space and let him reach out to you when he is ready to talk.  It sounds like he wasn't expecting to connect so closely with you and it scared him a little.

Not having answers sucks but sometimes we just have to accept that we may never get all the answers to our questions.  Try and stay busy with your life while he deals with his.  I have a feeling he will contact you soon but you need to decide if you are okay with this push pull thing he does no matter what the reason for it.

Lost

[Pinkbutterfly]

4 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Not knowing how serious his diagnosis is leaves much of this up to a simple guess.

He probably saw things getting serious but was not sure of his own future so he backed off.

  Give him some space and let him reach out to you when he is ready to talk.  It sounds like he wasn't expecting to connect so closely with you and it scared him a little.

Not having answers sucks but sometimes we just have to accept that we may never get all the answers to our questions.  Try and stay busy with your life while he deals with his.  I have a feeling he will contact you soon but you need to decide if you are okay with this push pull thing he does no matter what the reason for it.

Lost

Thank you for your answer! I wasn't expected to connect either and I didn't look for this because my living situation is not quite sure yet (in which city I'm going to stay). I'm not really interested right now in the sex and fun part, I just hope that he'll be fine. 

What you said was also the feeling that he gave to me, he even said something similar with not being sure about his future and the needs he may have.

I know that in the past some of the investigations he needed to have were done through surgery, so I don't know how invasive this is going to be for him now.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, Pinkbutterfly said:

I know that in the past some of the investigations he needed to have were done through surgery, so I don't know how invasive this is going to be for him now.

Sorry this is happening. It would be best to cut your losses. He's very clear that he wants no future with you, that he's focused on his child and co-parenting .

He has friends, family, doctors, therapists, his child's mother, etc. who he can turn to. 

If you want local hookups choose someone you don't work with perhaps  from Tinder. You're over invested and overinvolved when he was crystal clear it's just hooking up.

[Lambert]

3 hours ago, Pinkbutterfly said:

He also felt the need to remind me that he isn't looking for anything serious (although I never asked him for anything more)

Ouch!

After reading most of your post... super long paragraphs are difficult to read. So my apologies if I missed something....

You always want to mirror the behavior back. If they cool their jets and don't initiate, you pull back.

You jumped into sex before knowing what he was all about and looking for.  That's always a risk.

You definitely don't want anyone to have to tell you twice.  Like the part I quoted above.  You say you never asked for more... but you did. through your actions and stating you are confused.

Also it's been a month, you don't know his "normal self" maybe he was putting his best self forward to have sex and it was fun, but then it got back to normal. Maybe this cold and distant guy is his normal.

I would do nothing.  Don't let him know anything.  Let him come to you. 

Chaulk it up to a learning experience. Don't jump so fast, especially with guys from work.

[reinventmyself]

I think it's pretty typical that when someone tells you that they aren't looking for anything serious, they get swept up in the fun as well.  But when he steps back and realizes that things are getting more serious than he planned, and he can tell you are becoming attached, he backs off to right size the situation.

He doesn't plan on letting you go (yet), but instead is trying to manage this on his terms.  Unfortunately it may very well be more of the same push/pull you've been experiencing.  It's up to you whether you want to continue on his terms.  

 

[DancingFool]

3 hours ago, Pinkbutterfly said:

he knows he's a cold and difficult person.

^ He told you quite directly who he really is and what you should expect. Granted he did so after he had you hooked and ready to accept and carry on. Quite manipulative and I doubt you are the first he has done this with.

Basically, you got caught up in the old bait and switch - the fun cool guy is really not so fun cool guy. When he told you the above, it was your warning and your chance to walk away. He was basically telling you who he is and what his actual terms are. Since you didn't walk away, he then started to show you his true face in actions - blowing hot/cold, repeatedly telling you that he is not that into you and not looking for anything, blowing you off, etc.

OP, when a guy tells you what you don't want to hear and then starts acting like a jerk, it's your clue to walk away rather than run after him trying to show how supportive you are. You aren't anything but a fool in his eyes who is agreeing to be used and manipulated as he sees fit. Wish him well and from here on out, keep it professional and strictly so.

[Pinkbutterfly]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It would be best to cut your losses. He's very clear that he wants no future with you, that he's focused on his child and co-parenting .

He has friends, family, doctors, therapists, his child's mother, etc. who he can turn to. 

If you want local hookups choose someone you don't work with perhaps  from Tinder. You're over invested and overinvolved when he was crystal clear it's just hooking up.

Thank you for your reply!

[Pinkbutterfly]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

Ouch!

After reading most of your post... super long paragraphs are difficult to read. So my apologies if I missed something....

You always want to mirror the behavior back. If they cool their jets and don't initiate, you pull back.

You jumped into sex before knowing what he was all about and looking for.  That's always a risk.

You definitely don't want anyone to have to tell you twice.  Like the part I quoted above.  You say you never asked for more... but you did. through your actions and stating you are confused.

Also it's been a month, you don't know his "normal self" maybe he was putting his best self forward to have sex and it was fun, but then it got back to normal. Maybe this cold and distant guy is his normal.

I would do nothing.  Don't let him know anything.  Let him come to you. 

Chaulk it up to a learning experience. Don't jump so fast, especially with guys from work.

Thank you for your reply! Sorry for the long paragraphs.

[Pinkbutterfly]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

I think it's pretty typical that when someone tells you that they aren't looking for anything serious, they get swept up in the fun as well.  But when he steps back and realizes that things are getting more serious than he planned, and he can tell you are becoming attached, he backs off to right size the situation.

He doesn't plan on letting you go (yet), but instead is trying to manage this on his terms.  Unfortunately it may very well be more of the same push/pull you've been experiencing.  It's up to you whether you want to continue on his terms.  

 

Thank you for reply! We talked about this and we both agree on not playing this games and just say if we are not longer interested so I assumed that he would be mature enough to tell me this. I never understood or liked this kind of just keeping someone around.

[Pinkbutterfly]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

^ He told you quite directly who he really is and what you should expect. Granted he did so after he had you hooked and ready to accept and carry on. Quite manipulative and I doubt you are the first he has done this with.

Basically, you got caught up in the old bait and switch - the fun cool guy is really not so fun cool guy. When he told you the above, it was your warning and your chance to walk away. He was basically telling you who he is and what his actual terms are. Since you didn't walk away, he then started to show you his true face in actions - blowing hot/cold, repeatedly telling you that he is not that into you and not looking for anything, blowing you off, etc.

OP, when a guy tells you what you don't want to hear and then starts acting like a jerk, it's your clue to walk away rather than run after him trying to show how supportive you are. You aren't anything but a fool in his eyes who is agreeing to be used and manipulated as he sees fit. Wish him well and from here on out, keep it professional and strictly so.

Thank you for your reply!

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

You jumped into sex before knowing what he was all about and looking for.  That's always a risk.

You definitely don't want anyone to have to tell you twice.  Like the part I quoted above.  You say you never asked for more... but you did. through your actions and stating you are confused.

But I think she had sex because it seemed fun and she was in the mood -she's a consenting adult -not something I would find fun or ever do but I don't see anything wrong with casual sex even if you have no info other than you feel like it and it seems fun.  I agree her actions after showed that in hindsight she chose to get attached and so the fun was then outweighed by the downsides.  It happens!

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Pinkbutterfly said:

Thank you for reply! We talked about this and we both agree on not playing this games and just say if we are not longer interested so I assumed that he would be mature enough to tell me this. I never understood or liked this kind of just keeping someone around.

You wanted him to tell you when he wasn't in the mood anymore to see you and hook up? I can see that if you agreed to it but he already told you he wasn't into you seriously -he played no games. Perhaps though you played a game with yourself and lied to yourself.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

Quite manipulative and I doubt you are the first he has done this with.

I don't see where it's manipulative for two consenting adults to have no strings attached sex before having "the talk" -her choice/his choice - he then chose to tell her personal stuff and she chose to listen.  

[DancingFool]

10 minutes ago, Pinkbutterfly said:

Thank you for reply! We talked about this and we both agree on not playing this games and just say if we are not longer interested so I assumed that he would be mature enough to tell me this. I never understood or liked this kind of just keeping someone around.

These types of requests are about as effective as asking a lion to give you a heads up when he wants to maul you.

A decent person doesn't need these types of conversations and agreements because by nature they'll treat you fairly, honestly, with respect and consideration. However, someone who has zero intentions of acting like a decent person, will easily promise you whatever and then act according to what actually suits them. These types of talks is not an insurance policy against bad behavior.

It's always on you to observe how someone is acting and treating you and when you don't like what's going you, it's on you to walk away from them. Don't ask them to end things, because it's not in their interest to protect you from harm. It's on you to say this is not working out for me and good bye.

[DancingFool]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't see where it's manipulative for two consenting adults to have no strings attached sex before having "the talk" -her choice/his choice - he then chose to tell her personal stuff and she chose to listen.  

My impression is that he came on hot and heavy and established a certain dynamic and once the OP was invested so to speak, he came out with the talk and the truth about himself. Yes, I do think that's manipulative behavior. No strings attached can be honest from day about what it is between consenting adults and starts with some form of "hey just you know before we go there, I'm not looking for anything serious, so if you are, we better not go there."

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

My impression is that he came on hot and heavy and established a certain dynamic and once the OP was invested so to speak, he came out with the talk and the truth about himself. Yes, I do think that's manipulative behavior. No strings attached can be honest from day about what it is between consenting adults and starts with some form of "hey just you know before we go there, I'm not looking for anything serious, so if you are, we better not go there."

I think if she agreed to have sex with him without having a talk about her expectations -and she said she was having a fun time with the pics and texts and sex -then he need not tell her what he is looking for.  He should tell her if he has an STD or if he is married/committed.  I think it's fine to come on hot and heavy as she did too in her response -two consenting adults.  The assumption is when it starts that way it's casual sex.

[Pinkbutterfly]

Thank you all for your advices. What I think that may was misunderstood is the fact that I am not asking for how I can turn this into something more or that I wish more. I am not looking for a relationship with him and when we last spoke I also reinsured him about this. My question was more related to how would you behave in a fun and casual relationship if the other person is having a problem (potentially very serious, life threatening). I don't think that only because we are in a casual interaction we shouldn't care about each other or checking up if we are having a tough time. I thought a lot about the "manipulation" and "mistreating" but he made an effort to reinsure me that it's not the case and he is just very worried about what's going on in his life. I am not the type to be indiferent if someone is telling me about their problems and even if the sex part wouldn't have happened I would still check in to see if the person is okay.

[Batya33]

I made suggestions above as to how you could show support.  I agree.  We’re humans so whether casual or otherwise if we know someone is suffering and we can help in an appropriate way we should !  You have a good heart. 

[Jibralta]

On 10/22/2021 at 9:02 AM, Pinkbutterfly said:

I only tried to keep things casual and fun and he was the one who reached out a lot and started asking me about personal subjects like family and relationships and talking about this sort of things. My intention was never to get into this sort of topics. But after he did this I got more involved. I'm not usually the type who talks easily about personal things and he's neither so I don't know why he opened up to me if he wasn't interested in getting to know me.

He might be talking about these things because they've been on his mind since his divorce. People can take a long time to process big break ups like this.

He might be a master manipulator, intuitively knowing what it is you want to hear.

I don't know which one it is. But talking a lot about family and relationships so early on, before the two of you even know where you want the relationship to go, is probably not a good thing. 

[catfeeder]

Part of the problem with early intensity and constant text and phone connection is that it's not sustainable.

It creates a fantasy 'vacation' bubble that suspends reality for a time even while it 'must' get popped by real world events at some point, in which case, whoever is under the pressure from those things pulls away to focus on them.

That leaves the other flapping' in the breeze, wondering where the happy-bubble went.

In all of your writing, you're focused on day-by-day if not hour-by-hour, and so any breaks he makes from those early all-encompassing convos seems like big giant gaps to you. In reality, they are hours or days, which most autonomous adults are fine with navigating by turning their attention to the rest of their lives.

So consider this a combo plate of being overly-focused even while the guy's real life has popped the temporary bubble you shared--his children, catching up with the work he couldn't have been doing while goofing off with you for so many hours, his own health--it's a LOT that has crashed his party.

I'd pull back, offer occasional kind words of thinking of him, but otherwise leave him alone. He's having a big scare right now, and it does sound like you understand this. 

[SherrySher]

I'm sorry, but you're more his booty call right now, and nothing more.

He isn't treating you right, he's using you then excusing it with a myriad of different excuses.

He won't even be decent to you when he's around other people.

You are the only one who can shut this down!

Stop allowing anyone to treat you this badly! You don't need to be used, or treated this way.

You also need to stop second guessing and wondering if maybe he meant it some other way, or if maybe he's just having a hard time, or if maybe you're not being understanding enough, etc.

Come on, woman!!

He is treating you like crap, and is justifying it!

Step away from this creep. Keep as minimal contact with him as possible.

Block him, stop texting, stop desperately trying to get his attention, or wait around for his attention.

Get this person out of your head, and out of your life.

YOU are the only one who can give yourself better. 

Try to meet someone else who isn't going to use you for sex and ignore you.

Try getting to know a man as much as possible and establishing a connection before having sex.

This could take a few dates.

But allow yourself some actual romance and respect.

You're not going to find it with this guy!