DJ

[Wise Wally]

Yes, document yourself something silly.  I've come to the conclusion that the pushing incident ranks somewhere in the mid 300's of the top problems with your marriage.  Unfortunately, during any type of divorce or custody hearings, it's going to make a quick jump to #1.  Unless of course, you can prove infidelity, which might not be hard to do if she's out and about every weekend.  

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Wise Wally said:

Yes, document yourself something silly.  I've come to the conclusion that the pushing incident ranks somewhere in the mid 300's of the top problems with your marriage.  

Unfortunately there were plenty of witnesses to the assault. And the inebriated belligerence.

So what is there to document, exactly? And for what purpose? 

 A divorce? That seems long overdue?

Separate bedrooms by mutual agreement? Being a SAHF?  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, DJ. said:

Thank you, for advice on documenting everything  never thought about that. We already sleep apart have done for quite sometime even before the incident, a mutual understanding I might add. 

I think both of you were acting out of control -yelling is also escalating.  I was the fulltime person at home for 7 years (rarely stayed in one place or at home with our son so the SAHM label doesn't apply) but I WANTED this role and prepared for it.  He wanted me to do whatever made sense - and was supportive of all of it.  That's how it should work IMHO. 

And when I knew I was ready to return to outside work, I started looking and my husband again was very supportive and encouraging about that shift too.  It's frustrating in a marriage when the work/childcare responsibilities are kind of happening by default (other than of course temporarily -I mean covid sure required tons of flexibility!) - rather if at all possible the roles should be by choice and by the couple's choice.  Certainly sometimes it just doesn't make sense for the higher paid spouse to stay home, I get it but again it should be communicated and a conclusion reached-or a compromise -together.  So maybe both of you were frustrated with your roles?

[boltnrun]

So there were big issues prior to this fight. Just because you don't actually get around to discussing or arguing about the issues doesn't mean they don't exist. You two sleep separately and don't socialize together. She goes out in the weekends while you remain at home with the children.

I would guess there is a lot of resentment that has built up on both sides. The alcohol just brought them to the surface and then you chose to shove her. This incident wasn't the beginning of the problems in the marriage. It was just an overt expression of them.

Even with counseling this may not be salvageable. Too many resentments for too long that have gone too far.

I would see an attorney about what your rights and responsibilities are as the stay at home husband and parent.

BTW, the children already know there are issues in the marriage. They know parents usually share a bedroom and they usually spend time together on the weekends. They see you two do not. So it's not going to come as a huge shock if you separate and divorce. Just do your best to lovingly prepare them if the divorce is going to happen.

[Coily]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately there were plenty of witnesses to the assault. And the inebriated belligerence.

So what is there to document, exactly? And for what purpose? 

 A divorce? That seems long overdue?

Separate bedrooms by mutual agreement? Being a SAHF?  

The Documentation is for both parties ultimately, if the shoving is a one off and not a regular part of the OPs demeanor this will help in court. Also documentation would go a long way to ensure his rights with their children, clearly not fool proof but needed.

As to what? Texts, notes, etc. Not all will be admissible of course, but why not document?

 

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, DJ. said:

A few weeks have passed and still my wife will not talk or accept my apologises and has suggested we separate as feels can not forgive me anytime soon for the push or the name calling . I have tried written apologies and explanations, have suggested counselling, but it all seems to go nowhere. Should I just separate or keep trying to salvage our relationship and marriage, there are children involved so I know its going to be hard on them, if separation is the only answer.

Stay away from her if she prefers to separate or distance herself. If things escalate again it won't look good if she is documenting and also has witnesses about how you're not able to control yourself or continue to follow, harass or attempt to contact and reconcile with her. That shows that you're not able to accept the situation or respect her request or boundaries to separate or cease the marriage. 

If she wants to move out or separate, let her. You can't force someone to be with you. Never ever do that or work against the wishes of the other person. All you can do is state your opinion and hope for reconciliation. If the other party disagrees, prepare for a divorce and speak to a lawyer about your kids and shared assets. 

 

[askdan]

The good old annoying No Contact rule is your best friend at the moment. 

To suggest a separation over something like this is excessive in my opinion. She sounds a bit immature. 

Just continue as normally as possible with your life while maintaining No Contact until she reaches out and is ready to communicate. 

Sooner or later, she will come out of her shell. It won't be like this until Christmas!