Need advice

[David061]

So I start at the beginning. Years back I found out my wife was talking to her old boyfriend. She would have 30min to hour talks with him while I was at work. I found out and confronted her. She said it would stop and I was ok with that. He was not the last. So about 1 or 2 other guy that she had secret call and text. She said it was just someone to talk to. Nothing physical. 

Years later we get married and have a kid. Years go by and all is ok. 2015 her dad dies. I am there for her but she closes off and goes into depression. I try to talk but I'm shutout. Daily turns into weekly checkups because I'm not getting anywhere. 

2017 I find out that she is secretly talking to a guy, sending photos, chat, etc. I find out that she has been at it for about 6 to 8 months. I confront her and she says it's over. Again she says nothing physical. I'm hurt and I don't ask her weekly now, but every month or 1/2 month. 

2020 her grandmother dies. 

2021 it's our anniversary and the week leading up I check on her everyday. I get flower, her favorite candy, gifts. The weekend of our anniversary passes and then the day of passes. She does not even really show me anything, just a little smile and I love you. The day after I look into it and find again, not 1 but maybe 4 or 5 guys. I confront her again. For 2 day we fight. She says it's because I was not there. We have tried to work it out for the last week. She said there was never anything physical. She just needed someone to give her attention. I've told myself I will work our relationship, but if it happens again I will not stay. 

What should I do?

Ignores is bless, but I want to know the truth. 

[lostandhurt]

Your wife has had at least 6 emotional affairs since meeting you, at least half probably physical too.

I am sorry to tell you but she will do it again and again and you are a fool if you think otherwise.

Trust me I know, I lived it.

 I didn't see where she was remorseful.  I did see where she blamed you for her infidelity.   Classic cheater.

Here are some other classic cheater lines:   (And what they really mean)

He is just a friend  ( A friend I want to have sex with)

I just needed someone to talk to  (I like the attention and the excitement of going behind your back)

We just talked, nothing physical happened  (We had fooled around when we could)

Don't worry he is married   (He is a cheater too so I know I am safe, he will never tell)

I promise I won't do it again.  (I will try harder to not get caught)

Time to start looking into divorce if nothing else so you will be ahead of the game when you catch her next year doing the exact same thing.

Lost

[David061]

Thank you for the reply. 

I'm trying to be positive but the "I promise I won't do it again.  (I will try harder to not get caught)" does hit the hardest. It's hard to throw away the years. 

 

Yes I was blamed for not being there for her. That was most of the fight. 

[HappilyMarried1]

So sorry @David061it sounds like as @lostandhurtsaid she has had at least 6 EA's that you now about and probably more. If any of these guys are with a 6 hour drive or so I would say there is a good chance it has been physical. I would ask her how could she expect you to believe her she has already lied to you multiple times throughout your marriage. What do you know about the pictures she sent to the men were any of them nudes? I would tell her that these guys could put them on the web for everyone to see. 

She has told you 3 or 4 times she is sorry and will quit and has not why do you think she will now? I don't see it happening personally. Do you guys have any kids together? Best of luck!

[David061]

We have 1 kid. I don't like the idea of him having 2 families. 

I'm having hope and faith ( dangerous thinking). I will say the tank is almost empty. 

[Rose Mosse]

She hasn't admitted to the affairs. She's only been caught in them. For the marriage/relationship to repair after infidelity it takes an admittance that the person cheating did cheat, acknowledging the mistake and then promising not to do it again and remain faithful. 

Without these elements or a conscious effort not to be unfaithful again she is not ever going to change. She is not expressing that she acknowledges her cheating. She shifts the blame to you instead. 

Suggest marriage counselling as an attempt, even if the last attempt, to bring back trust and loyalty into the marriage. She must admit that what she's doing is hurtful and damaging and it's wrong. Otherwise, there is no future for the both of you. You are better off single and speaking with a lawyer immediately.

[waffle]

She is looking for your replacement, she just hasn't found him yet.  She will look until she does.

[Kwothe28]

Do you know the definition of insanity? Insanity is doing the same Fing thing over and over again expecting something to change.

I feel that is what you are doing here. She will always have some excuse and gaslight you. How she needed attention, how you werent there for her, how nothing happened while she is sending her pics to some other guys and has hour long conversations with them etc. Worst of all you are enabling her to do that and find her excuses. How she was depressed by family deaths(good reason but still not good enough when it comes to cheating), how you werent there for her and others. Well, if she can text, call and send who knows what to ex boyfriends and strangers, I am sorry, she can open up to you and let you in. She just wont. And I am sorry, but she wont change because there are no consequences of her actions whatsoever. You find out, she finds excuse and blames you, you leave it alone. Until next time where same thing happens. How do you expect her to change anything when you do the same thing over and over again? Let her have consequences of her actions right now. That means divorce. And taking a custody over kid. With her cheating and mental health issues(if depression isnt just another excuse she gave you) you should be in a very good position for that.

[melancholy123]

1 hour ago, David061 said:

Thank you for the reply. 

I'm trying to be positive but the "I promise I won't do it again.  (I will try harder to not get caught)" does hit the hardest. It's hard to throw away the years. 

 

Yes I was blamed for not being there for her. That was most of the fight. 

You've already thrown away several years while ll this was happening.  So you want to throw away more?

[lostandhurt]

On 9/27/2021 at 3:39 PM, David061 said:

We have 1 kid. I don't like the idea of him having 2 families. 

Instead thinking of it that way how about you look at it as he will have one family where the dad(you) is happy and capable of showing true love and honesty.

One happy single dad and son is way better than this mess.  He will see and feel the tension and lies and will think that is what a relationship is like.

It is okay to be afraid of what will happen if you finally end it, I know I was but it was the best decision I have ever made.  Living with what you are takes a big toll on you emotionally and physically.  

  As you can see she has turned it all back on you which as I have stated is classic cheater.  You become the bad guy because you didn't ________________(fill in the blank) and so you are really the reason she cheated.  It wasn't that she is a liar and a cheater, she is the victim of a bad husband and so she needed to have sex with other men just to stay married to you.  Sounds fair right?   NOT!!!

Some guys need to actually walk in and find their wife in their own bed banging some strange dude before they accept what she really is.  Is that you?

  I doubt she will go to counseling because cheaters almost always avoid a third party impartial professional.  The reason?  Because they will call them on all their BS, gaslighting and lies and the best way to keep all that going is to keep you off guard and off balance so you never get your feet under you securely.

  Keep posting and re-read all your words here, sometimes seeing it in print brings a sense of reality to it all.  

  Lost 

[Wise Wally]

On 9/27/2021 at 5:03 PM, David061 said:

2017 I find out that she is secretly talking to a guy, sending photos, chat, etc.

What kind of pictures are we talking about here?

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to have male friends and talk to them.  Doesn't make it an emotional affair but what your wife is doing is inappropriate and she's done it multiple times.  Married women don't send photos to men they are platonic friends with unless they're sharing photos of their kids with each other.  For example.  I would stop ignoring this inappropriate behavior.

[redswim30]

On 9/27/2021 at 5:03 PM, David061 said:

 

I'm trying to be positive but the "I promise I won't do it again.  (I will try harder to not get caught)" does hit the hardest. It's hard to throw away the years. 

 

Yes I was blamed for not being there for her. That was most of the fight. 

So. she cheats on YOU- Repeatedly.  Then wants to gaslight you and say it's YOUR fault?

PLEASE get a divorce.  Or stay married knowing she will never stop cheating on you and then trying to blame you for HER actions.