Am I being strung along

[Soph156]

I’ve been dating a guy now for almost a year, he’s divorced with 2 kids and one of his kids struggles with certain situations out of the normal.  He’s never told his kids about me yet, his ex knows.  I can’t go round to his because his kids live nearby and the one occasion I did he made me hide in a closet for 15 minutes so he could chat to the kid without seeing me.  Now today we went to go on a date and he had a panic because he thought his kid would see me so we had to change our plans and when I asked him about his plan on telling the kids he said he thought he’d wait till he buys a new house and we’re living together which isn’t realistic.  I’ve said I want a relationship with living together and marriage etc in the future and he says he wants the same things but to be patient. Am I just being strung along ? Is it normal to go almost a year without telling your kid you’re seeing someone? I can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable 

[Batya33]

Yes. He's the father and he gets to decide when to share this with his children.  To me unless you're engaged with a wedding date why let the kids get attached to a girlfriend?  Kids don't "get dating, they get attached" as Doctor Joy Browne used to say.  I'd say if after a year you don't have plans to get married then ask him again what his intentions are.  And decide whether living together would be to have a stronger emotional commitment or just for convenience/fun -make sure he is on the same page.  Why would buying a house make him feel more comfortable -would that be after you get married?

[Lambert]

I think you've answered your own question...

So what's gonna happen?

You move in and its the first the kids hear of you? 

Not only does this sound fishy. It's not a healthy thing to do to the kids.

I think I'd really reconsider how much of yourself you putting into this. 

I understand waiting to meet kids until your exclusive and know you intend to build a life together.  But this does not sound like that. 

Do you really trust this guy? Do you respect him? Meaning do you see this guy as someone you can build with? 

I think your gut knows something you should be listening to. 

[LotusBlack]

I think it is reasonable that he wants to take quite a bit of time before introducing you to his children, but I don’t think the way he’s going about it is decent. To have you hide in a closet or completely upend your plans without so much as talking it out with you so that you are also comfortable in the situation is inconsiderate and thoughtless of him. His children do come first and they should, but he can put them first without it being at the expense of you. 

I think he is coasting and the fact he hasn’t defined or reaffirmed his intentions for some time just to make sure you know he’s in this with you, shows a lack of commitment.

In your shoes, I’d tell him where I stand and ask him where he stands, and if we’re not walking in the same direction after that discussion, then I’d end things. If you are, then I’d tell him he needs to find a better way of handling things/your relationship and his kids.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

think it is reasonable that he wants to take quite a bit of time before introducing you to his children, but I don’t think the way he’s going about it is decent. To have you hide in a closet or completely upend your plans without so much as talking it out with you so that you are also comfortable in the situation is inconsiderate and thoughtless of him. His children do come first and they should, but he can put them first without it being at the expense of you. 

That's a really good point -he shouldn't have you hiding.  I don't think he should wait till you buy a house to introduce you to the kids but that's because I think it's foolish to buy any property with him until you're married. If I were him I would introduce you before you get engaged but when it is imminent but in a very casual way - during an outing or a fun activity and not have you around as a permanent person in their lives and not if it's their birthday or the like.  That way you meet them as someone their dad likes and cares about and they get to know you.  Later when you're engaged you can start to have more of a role in their personal lives.  That's how I would do it and if one of his kids has special needs that might require a different approach.  

[itsallgrand]

I don't think you are being strung along, but my initial take is that he is not fully available. A fully available man doesn't ask you to hide, duck, and panic like this. It can be with no ill intent on his part, just dealing with this poorly. But that's not on you to work out or do for him. 

[catfeeder]

There's a difference between being deliberately strung along versus selecting someone who is unsuitable and not ready for the kind of relationship you want and deserve.

My gut would tell me that any need to 'hide' me is the wrong situation for me.

This doesn't speak badly about this man's wish to appease both you and his children, but rather, he's not in the right position to date. Period.

I'd tell the guy that I like him and hope we might date in the future, but for now I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He can work out his issues with his kids in his own time, and if he's ever in a more favorable position for dating he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up.

This leaves your door open even while it frees you to find someone more suitable.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[SooSad33]

Has been less than a year?  Maybe he just doesn't feel that okay yet, in sharing the fact that he is seeing someone else other than their mother.

I know, when I was ending things with my kids father, I was not going to just introduce them to a 'new guy', for a long while.  Until I felt ready to do so.. Kids often need time to adjust and accept their parents are no longer together.. and I can see them reacting in a negative, for sure, if one of the parents suddenly brought in a 'new' partner too fast.

So, I do agree with him being cautious in all of this... I do hope they were split up for a good while before he began dating you... so that they are truly done.

[DarkCh0c0]

7 hours ago, Soph156 said:

he made me hide in a closet for 15 minut

That is really messed up.

He's not handling this in a good way, and he's not that committed.

As others said, part ways for now. He's in a different stage in his life. It is indeed a concern.

As catfeeder mentioned:

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This doesn't speak badly about this man's wish to appease both you and his children, but rather, he's not in the right position to date. Period.

I'd tell the guy that I like him and hope we might date in the future, but for now I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He can work out his issues with his kids in his own time, and if he's ever in a more favorable position for dating he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up.

 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, Soph156 said:

I can’t go round to his because his kids live nearby and the one occasion I did he made me hide in a closet for 15 minutes so he could chat to the kid without seeing me.

What? He couldnt just said that you are a friend?

I can understand that he is not introducing you to them yet, especially if one of the kids has disability. But hiding somebody in the closet is way too irregular. Its something you do to a mistress, not to somebody you want a life together. I think if he wants a life together, or rather to say if he is sure that he wants that, he would do it. Besides that, his reactions that anyone would see you together, they are way too filled with panic. I would bow out, its not something you should have to deal with, especially with somebody who chooses to hide you around in that way.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Soph156 said:

.  I can’t go round to his because his kids live nearby and the one occasion I did he made me hide in a closet for 15 minutes 

There's no reason to put up with this nonsense. Why would you even agree to hide in a closet rather than say "ok, you're nuts, I'm done!"?

Cut your losses and find a sane single man who's not afraid his kids will tell his exwife about you.

[DarkCh0c0]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Cut your losses and find a sane single man who's not afraid his kids will tell his exwife about you

Good one!

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Cut your losses and find a sane single man who's not afraid his kids will tell his exwife about you.

The OP stated that the ex knows about the relationship, they’re just not disclosing it to the children yet.