I (23f) think I want to end things with my boyfriend (25m) of 6 years, don't know how or when

[messybeing]

Okay, I need to get this off my chest. I'll try to keep it as short-ish as I can.

As the title says, I've (23f) been with my boyfriend (25m) for almost 6 years (our anniversary is in two months, which makes everything worse). We started when I was 18 and he was 20; he's my first and only relationship (I'm not his, but I am his longest relationship). The problem is, for a long time I was in love with him, but I don't think I am anymore. I do think he still loves me and I don't want to hurt him because I really love him and he's a beautiful person who has done so much for me. I am so scared of ending this.

I started to feel like something was wrong about a year ago, maybe something more (so yeah, I've been overthinking things). It's not like he did something big that really upset me and that triggered this; it's more like there have been a series of things that have caused this progressively. I think that the pandemic had something to do, cause we could'nt see eachother for a couple of months and even tho he is very sweet and caring in person (always giving hugs and saying nice things and in general expressing love) when it comes to texting he sucks. I felt all the time like he wasn't paying me enough attention and he was very cold and distant. I always felt like this whenever we had to be apart and only communicate by text/phonecalls, and I tried to talk about it several times during the last year because it really made me feel lonely. Whenever we talk about this he tries to change and be more loving, but a couple of months pass and it all goes back to normal. That happened three times, I think. So at this point I'm just tired and don't want to deal with it anymore.

Apart from that, in our last anniversary (5 years) I felt really dissapointed because I prepared really cute handmade presents for him (in advance, of course), things I was sure he was going to like, putting dettail to it. When the day came he did not have anything at all prepared for me. That day I spent the night crying (at his home). He one week later tried to fix it by dedicating me a song that he composed for me, but I've felt all this time like that wasn't enough for all the sadness he made me feel that day. He knew our anniversary was a really important thing to me and that I love details. He tried to compensate during the year by inviting me to diner many times and things like that but I think I'm still hurt.

But that was just one part of it. On the other hand I've really started to feel less and less attracted to him. Lately I don't feel like having sex with him, but I do know that he wants to have sex with me. It makes me feel horrible and I know he feels disappointed too. At first I thought it had something to do with me, like a general loss of sex drive, but I do like to masturbate frequently and just last night I had a "sexy dream" with someone who was not him. I woke up feeling like ***, for real, like I'm just deceiving him. Also, whenever I'm with him I can't stop pointing out flaws in him, little things that I used to like that now have started to annoy me. I think this is a clear signal that things are not good.

At the same time I feel like I'm in a very difficult situation: my family loves him and they have a good realtionship, and the same goes to me and his family, so I know that would make things harder; we also share the same group of friends, so I'm scared of creating a bad aura and losing friends in the process or maybe dividing the group or something like that. And lastly I don't think I am in the best place mentally speaking, because this last year has been *** for me, I'm going through a very stressful time finishing my master's degree and preparing a big exam to get an important job; I have also started to suspect I have undiagnosed anxiety so I will probably need therapy after this. I know that losing his support is gonna take a toll on me.

Besides of all that, my boyfriend is my best friend. I'm really scared of losing him forever. He's a very special person to me and I don't want to stop talking to him or lose contact. I trust him, I think he's a really good person, very funny (he always meakes me laugh), one of the best people I know and I want to keep him in my life. I just think we don't work as a couple anymore.

All of this makes me really sad and I don't know how to end things or when to do it. I don't want to hurt him. And as I said our anniversary is really close so I don't know if it's the best moment (well I guess there's never a perfect moment for a breakup).

It's my first time having to deal with something like this so I would really appreciate some advice, cause I'm at a loss. Sorry for the long text.

tl;dr: I think I want to breakup with my boyfriend cause I lost attraction for him and I don't think he is really attentive anymore; tried to talk with him about it but didn't work. I don't want to hurt him cause he is my best friend and I want to keep in touch.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It sounds like you've outgrown each other. If you stay, your resentment will grow and erode things further.

[MissCanuck]

It's normal to outgrow your first love, OP. 

That's what has happened here for you. You're not the same young woman now that you were at just 18. You two have grown up, and grown apart. This is the very reason why our first relationships are almost never our last. 

I would respectfully end it before your anniversary. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Yup. I agree with @MissCanuck

It's okay. We change, specially in our 20s.

I'd definitely break up before the anniversary. Tell him you're not feeling this anymore, and then cut all communication so that you can slowly move forward and heal.

Take care of you. Life is too short to stay in a miserable relationship.

[Batya33]

I know of several couples including my mother and my best friend in high school and one of my nieces who met their person as teenagers and they stayed together, grew together, married.  It's not necessarily about age it's about life stages so even if you met him in your 20s if you then went through big life changes such that you two were no longer compatible it would be about stage not age.  I simply think this relationship has run its course and did about a year ago. 

You're moving on in your education, you're focused on that which makes sense and even though many couples do great with moving to bigger and better things (or one of them) that can show  flaws in the relationship - your relationship seems stagnant while the rest of your life is moving forward. 

Yes I think you seem high maintenance about your anniversary but if he knew that and signed up for it I can see where you now feel disappointed. 'High maintenance is in the eye of the beholder" so to speak.   I also think you had even more expectations because you felt he was neglecting you and you thought he'd make up for it.  Do you have plans to have a formal commitment like getting married? I'm thinking maybe he didn't see the importance at this point since he's thinking in future terms of engagement and setting a wedding date.  

I think it's fine you had a dream of someone else but that's separate from not wanting to be with him.  I'd end things before the anniversary and do a clean break.  Don't try to ask him for the privilege of being his friend.  You both need space to move on and ultimately to find someone else. I'm sorry that it seems it's run its course. Good luck with your masters!

[SooSad33]

I agree with the above....

You've outgrown each other... and stress is taking hold.

I am going to suggest something for you to read (re:men). It is called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

It explains a lot on how often they are different from us in a few ways on how they act & think. ( eg. where you 'expected' more for your anniversary, yet he acted in a different way)..etc.

Maybe a good way to prep for your ending this is to write it out on what you want to say.. and plan a day to do it.

But don't ruin yourself over something that has stressed you out by just sitting there accepting it.  Relationships end all the time.. People become incompatible, people change.

And also, as mentioned, No, you cannot be 'friends'.. You both need to cut it clean.  Is never easy trying to be friends with an ex, especially when emotions are involved. And, you are correct, is never a good time when it comes to BU's.

Is time to focus on YOU for a while... get through your schooling, and figure out your own life now... as well, your mentality.  If your anxiety is peaking, therapy is helpful.

All takes time.. to let go.. heal & move on but at times, it's necessary.

[smackie9]

What you are feeling is normal. There's a lot of communication breakdown, and not meeting needs/expectations. Before throwing it all away, I suggest couples counseling. If he refuses, then you can tell him it's over. So he has a choice....work with you to fix this or breakup.

I know couples that started dating when the were 12/13 years old. Once they hit around 20/21, things changed. They would split up, date for a little bit, have time to think, and came back together. They are all married with kids. Now I had that conversation with them that they out grew each other and need to experience dating, just like everyone here said, but never in my wildest dreams did I think they would get back together and go forth with marriage.

So you have some thinking to do. best of luck, and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

The most important thing I needed to learn regarding relationships is that I do NOT need to 'build a case' in order to exit one.

You don't need a 'good enough' reason that some imaginary judge and jury would agree with in order to leave a relationship.

You are 'allowed' and 'entitled' to choose your own vision of your future as you see fit.

A partner does NOT need to be a villain in order to justify leaving a relationship. In fact, you do not need to justify your choice to anyone.

It's not only allowed, but common, to outgrow a relationship--even with a perfectly wonderful person. This does not make you a villain, it makes you a human.

Most importantly, you do NOT need to 'sell' your partner on the idea of accepting the breakup. That's not your job. Your job has limits, and that's to act in your best interests and trust that in some way, shape or form, this action doubles as also acting in his best long-range interests--and you don't need to be able to define those.

Do not make the mistake of operating outside of your scope in order to appease partner or try to soften the blow no matter how much you still love him and wish him well. That's messy, it will backfire, and it's not of any value to either of you.

Trust that partner is a grown man, he CAN thrive again if he chooses to do so, and he is perfectly capable of finding resources or reaching out to family or friends if he chooses to do so.

HIS capabilities start exactly where you choose to stop catering and start allowing HIM to step up to look out for himself. You are not in charge of another adult, and any remnant of belief that you hold as your responsibility to take that charge is not accurate or helpful to either of you.

Head high, and write more if it helps. You CAN do this.