Partner has said he is more attracted to other people - what do I do?

[natalie123]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully t you are seeing a physician and therapist for the depression.

Yes I am seeing a therapist at the moment and it is really helping. He has suggested relationship therapy, so we have looked into that too. But surely that can't be the 'be all and end all', we should be able to sort this out between ourselves. I have no idea how to get over hurtful words or if that is even possible.

[natalie123]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Attracted as in "I saw very attractive woman on the street" or attracted as in "I met your friend and felt attraction"?

He says it is as in "I saw a very attractive woman on the street" but I find that hard to believe when he says he is also more mentally attracted to other people. I'm not sure if it is beyond repair.

[natalie123]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sounds like he's cheating on top of abusing you in other ways. I disagree that it's just a normal "attracted to others" thing or that the onus is on you to 'rekindle' anything.

I don't think he is cheating on me because yeah I may sound like a weak person right now, but If I had any thought that it was the truth, then believe me - I would be gone! He has never given me a reason to think that he has.

You are totally right though. I feel like the onus on me to rekindle things is like 100% and that is why he has said these things, he is relying on me to fix it.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, natalie123 said:

Yes I am seeing a therapist at the moment and it is really helping. He has suggested relationship therapy

Couples therapy is contraindicated in abusive relationship. See a physician for a complete evaluation of the depression and anxiety, ask for a referral to a competent therapist and be honest about the abuse.

Stop trying to fix this. Abusers feel good when make you feel bad, that's how they operate.

 Do you co-own or co-lease the house? Whose names are on the deed/lease.

 The first step is to stop expecting love from an abuser. The next is to get out of this house situation. Then you must start being honest with trusted friends, family, doctors and therapists about the abuse.

[natalie123]

19 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

That said....what is it going to take for you to finally leave this abuser?

I really don't know. I feel like I need a few days to think about it. He keeps telling me I am expecting too much from the relationship and I live in a fantasy world where he will only be attracted to anyone but me, but it really is not the case. I just have a problem with how it is effecting our relationship and my self-esteem. I am actually a really confident person outside this relationship, so it makes me feel even worse.

[natalie123]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Couples therapy is contraindicated in abusive relationship. See a physician for a complete evaluation of the depression and anxiety, ask for a referral to a competent therapist and be honest about the abuse.

I am undergoing CBT with a therapist at the moment, but in all honestly we have focused more on the relationship because she has realised that is what is effecting me the most. She has recommended I complete my course with her, potentially seek relationship therapy and then come back to her for another course of CBT.

I am completely open and honest with her ..... I have told her all of the good and all of the bad. She thinks we certainly have issues but if we are willing to both work on it, then it could work. My partner is actually a really nice guy, he recently organised a big surprise party for my birthday and a trip abroad. We do have some really good times together, but this is just overshadowing everything at the moment.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, natalie123 said:

how it is effecting our relationship and my self-esteem. 

Self-esteem comes from within. It's the other way around. You're hanging on to someone like this because of poor self esteem. 

 

[DancingFool]

1 minute ago, natalie123 said:

I really don't know. I feel like I need a few days to think about it. He keeps telling me I am expecting too much from the relationship and I live in a fantasy world where he will only be attracted to anyone but me, but it really is not the case. I just have a problem with how it is effecting our relationship and my self-esteem. I am actually a really confident person outside this relationship, so it makes me feel even worse.

OK, he is NEVER going to stop manipulating and gaslighting you about any of this. He will always put you down, tell you that you are the crazy one, etc. So if he is your source of figuring out what is right and wrong, you will always be in the wrong and he'll make sure of it.

YOU need to step aside and away from him. Stop talking to him. If you need a few days, then actually take the weekend to get away from him completely. Go stay with a friend. Don't tell him that there is a problem or that you are leaving because you need to think or anything else such. That will just make him pile on the gaslighting, and lies, and chasing, and telling you whatever to make you stay and make sure that he stays in your head and in control precisely so you can't stop and think for yourself.

He has literally taken away your agency and it's on you to take it back and only way is to act and get rid of him.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, natalie123 said:

My partner is actually a really nice guy, he recently organised a big surprise party for my birthday and a trip abroad.

Are you just insecure and jealous, then?

[DancingFool]

4 minutes ago, natalie123 said:

I am completely open and honest with her ..... I have told her all of the good and all of the bad. She thinks we certainly have issues but if we are willing to both work on it, then it could work. My partner is actually a really nice guy, he recently organised a big surprise party for my birthday and a trip abroad. We do have some really good times together, but this is just overshadowing everything at the moment.

You need to find a therapist who is more experienced with abuse and less interested in telling you what you want to hear for extra $$$. Sure finish my course, then take another, then come back and keep fixing yourself when the real problem is your abusive relationship. *eye roll*

Also, what you are describing is exactly what the cycle of abuse looks like in real life. He is nice until he isn't. He does all these wonderful things, then he beats me up (mentally, emotionally, physically or all three). OP, normal relationships don't have these types of ups and downs.

 

[natalie123]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Self-esteem comes from within. It's the other way around. You're hanging on to someone like this because of poor self esteem. 

You are right, it does come within. It is a vicious cycle, I do agree that it could make me hang on, but I also believe that my self esteem would not be this bad if certain things weren't said to me throughout the relationship.

[natalie123]

3 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

You need to find a therapist who is more experienced with abuse and less interested in telling you what you want to hear for extra $$$.

Im not paying for it, I was referred from the NHS.

I totally agree, relationships do not have extreme ups and downs like this. I have been in relationships in the past that have been completely different in that sense. Im just sick of doubting myself now.

[natalie123]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you just insecure and jealous, then?

Yes I am insecure in this relationship, one minute I feel like he loves me so much, then the next ... certain things can get said that make me believe otherwise. So I am obviously going to feel that way.

[DancingFool]

2 minutes ago, natalie123 said:

Im not paying for it, I was referred from the NHS.

I totally agree, relationships do not have extreme ups and downs like this. I have been in relationships in the past that have been completely different in that sense. Im just sick of doubting myself now.

Even so, bad therapists are a dime a dozen. Finding a good one is hard. In your case, you need to leave this guy and I'm willing to bet good money that once you do that, you'll find that you don't need any therapy after all.

Doubting yourself and your own sanity is the hallmark of being in an abusive relationship.

[natalie123]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you just insecure and jealous, then?

Someone can still be nice but then give you mixed messages about the relationship. I wouldn't say that that this has all happened because I am insecure and jealous.

[DancingFool]

1 minute ago, natalie123 said:

Someone can still be nice but then give you mixed messages about the relationship. I wouldn't say that that is because I am insecure and jealous. He probably just thinks I am not enough and wants me to fix everything so he can be happy

...Nice people do not make their happiness your problem. In fact they will never ever blame you or put you down for it, let alone imply in any way that you are not enough for them somehow. What you are describing is the opposite of nice and pretty much cruel.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, natalie123 said:

Yes I am insecure in this relationship, one minute I feel like he loves me so much, then the next ... certain things can get said that make me believe otherwise. 

You seem quite determined to demonize and praise him alternately, so it's up to you.

Until you get an appropriate evaluation and treatment for your moods, anxiety etc., nothing will make you feel well.

You've sunk 3 years into this and money into a house.  So you're determined to fix and change him into someone who does and says all the right things all the time every time.. Yet. You won't work on yourself.

Most people don't march into the house and say "guess what I'm physically and mentally attracted to others" out of the blue. There's a lot missing to this story.

 Is he a jerk? Maybe. But you are determined to keep him.

[natalie123]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem quite determined to demonize and praise him alternately, so it's up to you.

Until you get an appropriate evaluation and treatment for your moods, anxiety etc., nothing will make you feel well.

You've sunk 3 years into this and money into a house.  So you're determined to fix and change him into someone who does and says all the right things all the time every time.. Yet. You won't work on yourself.

Really think you are missing the point here.
I have undergone an evaluation and I am working on myself, so I have no idea how you see this comment and being true or helpful in any way.

I honestly do not care about money, I have my own money, I would not hang onto the house as if that is the only thing! I am fully aware that NO ONE can say and do the right things all the time, it is totally unrealistic ... so I am not sure where you have gotten this stupid idea from.

Im not determined to demonize or praise him, I have simply come on this forum to see if anyone has been through something similar and can give some advice. 

[natalie123]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yet. You won't work on yourself.

Im sorry, but you really are not helping at all here. Why bother commenting? 

I have done nothing but work on myself and I am fully committed to working on this relationship the best I can. You are saying that as if I am doing absolutely nothing and expecting everything. Clearly not the case
 

[DancingFool]

"People who are struggling with narcissistic abuse syndrome often doubt their own self-worth or sanity. They are usually very concerned about their flaws, failures, and other shortcomings – regardless of whether or not these issues are real. In many cases, they are simply ideas that were planted in their mind by their narcissistic partner.

Those struggling with narcissistic abuse syndrome often have a hard time identifying with reality. Since their minds will be so distorted and confused from the constant abuse and emotional manipulation, they may begin to question what they know to be real."

Does ^ describe how you feel? If so, then understand that the only way out of this is to get out of this relationship in a pull off the band aid fast kind of way. You will need to get it together and just get rid of him completely and cut off all contact so he doesn't suck you back in.

[boltnrun]

Has he indicated he is interested in actively participating in relationship counseling?

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, natalie123 said:

What shall I do? How am I supposed to even go forward with our relationship? What do I even mean to him if he thinks that? What is the point? How am I supposed to deal with this? 

It is really effecting my self-esteem and mental health to the point that I don't think I can carry on much longer.

Sadly, this is where it needs to be done 😞 .

All of your fights and him saying you live in a fairy tale... plus his admitting he's wandering, I think.

Either way, this has damaged you - affecting your mental health.

Then you just be done with him.

You say, you're done with it all... and walk away, for good.

We learn ... to see the signs.. we learn when to walk away and work on our own self respect and be strong enough to know... then act.  ❤️ 

 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, natalie123 said:

He speaks about me so negatively that I don't understand why he hasn't packed his bags already. Its as if he is breaking me down that bad, that he is waiting for me to do just that.

Its an abuser cycle. He wont leave you, he is enjoying his emotional abuse of you. If you would leave he would probably beg you to come back and tell you what you want to hear. Only to do it again. From what I see he has done it before.

Frankly I thought its at least not the same guy as from 3 years ago. Because that guy had so many red flags like its a China political party rally. Not get over ex, sleeping around even when you met him, even getting in fights. Only to leave you or you leaving him, then begging you to come back. See how that cycle didnt change? And I am sorry, but you are both in that cycle. So you would have to do something to break that cycle. And that is to leave. And never take him back when he begs after. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, natalie123 said:

I really don't know. I feel like I need a few days to think about it. He keeps telling me I am expecting too much from the relationship and I live in a fantasy world where he will only be attracted to anyone but me, but it really is not the case. I just have a problem with how it is effecting our relationship and my self-esteem. I am actually a really confident person outside this relationship, so it makes me feel even worse.

You're not asking for that.  You're asking for basic respect and basic loyalty in how he treats you and speaks to you.  It's disrespectful and tactless to share with your partner that you noticed a very attractive woman (with rare exception - I mean if it's in context or an inside joke you both have). He's going to an extreme -a "straw man" argument - just tell him that it's this specific situation and of course neither of you is blind and will notice attractive people.

[LaHermes]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

You need to find a therapist who is more experienced with abuse and less interested in telling you what you want to hear for extra $$$. Sure finish my course, then take another, then come back and keep fixing yourself when the real problem is your abusive relationship.

You asked for advice Nat, and that is what you are getting. Please, leave now. 

What Kwothe says is the pure truth.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its an abuser cycle. He wont leave you, he is enjoying his emotional abuse of you. If you would leave he would probably beg you to come back and tell you what you want to hear. Only to do it again. From what I see he has done it before.

So straight question. When are you leaving?  Please do not waste any more years of your life. 

I would suggest you find a good qualified psychologist privately.  The NHS cannot provide the ongoing and frequent sessions you need. They have huge waiting lists as you and I well know.

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've sunk 3 years into this and money into a house.  So you're determined to fix and change him into someone who does and says all the right things all the time every time.

Such a pity you have wasted three years, OP.