My boyfriend always gives attention to another girl he used to like years ago

[Greenapple]

I have been feeling like *** for a few weeks now. Long story short I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for a few months now. What bothers me is that, he has this female friend that always requires a lot of attention from him and he thinks it’s normal. He used to like her for 3 years but she didn’t want a relationship due to different religion issues. My boyfriend stopped talking to her for 2 years to be able to move on and a month before he met me, he started writing to her again as a friend. I always feel like this girl likes my boyfriend more than a friend, but my boyfriend keeps telling me that I just assume. For example, after I go to sleep, my boyfriend often calls her and talks to her but he thinks it is normal to hear from his friend once in a while. Especially because years ago when my boyfriend was depressed, this girl was there to help him and now that the girl is the one who isn’t doing well, he feels like he should be there for her.

This summer, my fear and speculation came true. This girl went on vacation in a city one hour away from my boyfriend. I suspected that she chose that particular place so that he would see my boyfriend. But of course, my boyfriend defended her by saying that she has always been wanting to visit that particular area. My boyfriend decided to drive an hour to meet her as a friend. I was doing so bad the whole week because I knew she likes him and might try to do something with him. I puked for the whole week and lost 4 kg because of this, especially on the day he went and he still went anyway because he thought it wasn’t appropriate to ignore a friend who came to visit. During the visit, my boyfriend told her that he is in a relationship with me now. The night after my boyfriend came back from spending 13 hours with her, she called my boyfriend and told him that she likes him and she doesn’t know what to do with the whole situation.

She said she will stop talking to my boyfriend so she can move on, but ever since she said that until today, she has been writing to my boyfriend everyday. Last night my boyfriend ended the call early with me because he was sick, but when I was asleep she called him and they talked. According to him it would be their last phone call because after the call, she would delete his contact. Well knowing how clingy this girl is, I think this won’t even last a month and she will come back again.

I’ve been feeling like *** for the whole week because my boyfriend always makes it look like I’m the one who is overthinking and jealous for thinking that the relationship and the amount of communication and attention they share is not formal for friends. And I feel like this girl doesn’t respect me because my boyfriend told her that I am uncomfortable about the whole situation and she still writes and calls him regardless. But of course my boyfriend always defends her saying that she isn’t crossing the line or trying to steal him from me.

My boyfriend told me he would never do anything differently for me because she is a good friend to him and he will always be there when she needs him. I will never ask him to stop talking to her as well but I wish they both understand my position and feeling. They make it look like I’m the one who is crazy to worrying and overthinking. To be honest, I was doing fine until this summer because they met in person and she told him that she likes him. Now my boyfriend is extremely sad for losing her as a friend and I’m still doing bad because of the whole situation but I try to hide it from my boyfriend or else he will say that I am too dramatic again. What should I do if I will never be able to accept her as his friend?

[1a1a]

If nothing changes at all, how long would you want to keep dating this person? A month? 6 months? A year? 5 years, sharing your boyfriend with this other woman who you feel doesn’t respect you (a feeling I’d agree with frankly). Your boyfriend knows it makes you uncomfortable and insecure and instead of changing his behaviour to reassure you he’s doubled down. You no doubt don’t want to police his friendships, and you know that left to his own devices he will invest a lot of energy into his friendship with this woman who wants more from him. Is this the person you want to have for your forever person? 

[Greenapple]

Hi 1a1a thanks for responding. I really need someone to talk to at the moment tbh. My boyfriend is super friendly and nice to all his friends (both male and female), but it’s just this particular friend that I’m jealous of because he used to like her before he met me and as you know she likes him now. Even if she deletes his contact, I feel like this is just a short term and once she comes back, I will start feeling bad again. I do have the thoughts that I will be the one who leaves if I can’t learn to accept it and he doesn’t want to do something differently about it. Do you think it will be better once we are together physically in person? I plan to move close to him next year but I don’t know if i can deal with this *** my whole life

[Rose Mosse]

Have you met your boyfriend in person at all? How did you meet? How long have you been dating and what does your family think of this arrangement? 

You know he’s toying with both of you and it’s a major ego boost for him to keep a female friend who’s fawning over him plus have a steady girlfriend who would be willing to uproot/move and give up her present living situation to be closer to him. He doesn’t have good boundaries and is blind to what’s appropriate. 

I’d think very carefully about the move. Don’t rush anything. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Xoxoxo020202 said:

he used to like her

He still likes her, girl. 

1 hour ago, Xoxoxo020202 said:

Do you think it will be better once we are together physically in person?

Have you never met this guy in person?

[Greenapple]

I knew him in the past but ever since we started dating, we’ve never met in person.

Sometimes I think he still likes her too, the fact that he cares that much about her. But he always assures me that he treats her just like any other friend. I do admit that he is equally nice to all his other friends regardless the gender, but I can’t accept this particular friendship knowing that they had a history and especially now that she likes him. I mean, I always knew but I whenever I told him that she likes him, he always defended her by saying that I don’t know this girl and he is the one who talks to her so he knows her better. Honestly the whole situation is affecting me so bad mentally, and since my boyfriend doesn’t want to change anything, he asks me to get a professional help instead to overcome my trust issue 😞

 

 

[SooSad33]

I understand they are supposed to be friends.. but, yeah, may be a little too much communication at times.

But, they never did get involved, as you said, she would not, due to their differences. so, I doubt they would go there now, at this point.

IF he is at a distance, how do you know of how often they are talking?  eg, that he ends a call with you then calls her? .. and that she has been writing to him every day.  DO you check his phone or something?

I feel if this is causing you anxiety, you should NOT be continuing this relationship with him.  One should never be made to feel this way.. and you do. ( especially if it has only been a few months?) .. Not worth it!
 

[Greenapple]

I know because he tells me everything especially after this whole stress I’ve been through. So whenever she texts him or calls him, he always let me know. The thing is, she helped him overcome his depression years ago and my boyfriend thinks of her as a very good person. In this case, I agree that you shouldn’t ditch a friend who was there for you just because you have a girlfriend now.

But the fact that she tells him that she likes him especially right after she knows that he has a girlfriend now, just makes it worse for me. I feel like she doesn’t respect me by still writing to him knowing that I am uncomfortable about it. My boyfriend believing that she is a good person and has no other intention, always defends her no matter what and makes it look like I’m the crazy one here. I am seriously considering to end this relationship if this keeps going on. Because I see that my boyfriend only cares about not losing her as a friend and she only cares about her feelings, but nobody really thinks about how I would feel about the whole situation.

[Rose Mosse]

4 minutes ago, Xoxoxo020202 said:

I know because he tells me everything especially after this whole stress I’ve been through. So whenever she texts him or calls him, he always let me know. The thing is, she helped him overcome his depression years ago and my boyfriend thinks of her as a very good person. In this case, I agree that you shouldn’t ditch a friend who was there for you just because you have a girlfriend now.

But the fact that she tells him that she likes him especially right after she knows that he has a girlfriend now, just makes it worse for me. I feel like she doesn’t respect me by still writing to him knowing that I am uncomfortable about it. My boyfriend believing that she is a good person and has no other intention, always defends her no matter what and makes it look like I’m the crazy one here. I am seriously considering to end this relationship if this keeps going on. Because I see that my boyfriend only cares about not losing her as a friend and she only cares about her feelings, but nobody really thinks about how I would feel about the whole situation.

Those are your alarm bells and intuition going off as they should. A person who’s as invested, loving, caring and committed to your future happiness together would not ever put you in this position. 

Since you’ve spent NO time in person together recently or for the duration of your long distance relationship you are also at a disadvantage not seeing or observing each other in person or knowing whether you’re compatible. This is just one thin shave of ice off an iceberg. 

Be cautious and cut your losses if you can’t trust him or his intentions. He may not be a vile person but you’re not compatible and whatever he offers just is not enough. 

[Greenapple]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Those are your alarm bells and intuition going off as they should. A person who’s as invested, loving, caring and committed to your future happiness together would not ever put you in this position. 

Since you’ve spent NO time in person together recently or for the duration of your long distance relationship you are also at a disadvantage not seeing or observing each other in person or knowing whether you’re compatible. This is just one thin shave of ice off an iceberg. 

Be cautious and cut your losses if you can’t trust him or his intentions. He may not be a vile person but you’re not compatible and whatever he offers just is not enough. 

You’re right. Yeah I think I will give it a few months to see if she cut contact with him, although this will just be a temporary solution for me. I think I personally also need to work on my trust issue as well. But I’ll see the whole situation. If my boyfriend keeps defending her no matter what she does, I think I will just end the relationship. Even if that happens, I think he would still choose to keep her as a friend rather than do anything to stay with me. He told me himself that we would never do anything just to please me that involves leaving his friends. So yeah, I’ll see if anything changes these few months, and if it’s still toxic for me, I will just leave.

[Rose Mosse]

11 minutes ago, Xoxoxo020202 said:

You’re right. Yeah I think I will give it a few months to see if she cut contact with him, although this will just be a temporary solution for me. I think I personally also need to work on my trust issue as well. But I’ll see the whole situation. If my boyfriend keeps defending her no matter what she does, I think I will just end the relationship. Even if that happens, I think he would still choose to keep her as a friend rather than do anything to stay with me. He told me himself that we would never do anything just to please me that involves leaving his friends. So yeah, I’ll see if anything changes these few months, and if it’s still toxic for me, I will just leave.

You wouldn’t have trust issues with someone who makes wiser and more mature choices. If not for her it may be someone else later on. The problem is him, unable to establish healthy boundaries or shut down inappropriate friendships.  He doesn’t sound ready to date at all or needs some real life lessons before being with anyone in a relationship. I’m sorry you’re in this position and don’t move if you have doubts.

[MissCanuck]

35 minutes ago, Xoxoxo020202 said:

knew him in the past but ever since we started dating, we’ve never met in person

Then how exactly is this dating if you have never gone on dates? You two are doing this relationship completely backwards, which is a problem in and of itself. Never commit to someone you cannot see in person. 

36 minutes ago, Xoxoxo020202 said:

and since my boyfriend doesn’t want to change anything, he asks me to get a professional help instead to overcome my trust issue

Get rid of this "boyfriend." This is not what a relationship should look like, OP, and he's not a good guy.

 

[Greenapple]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

You wouldn’t have trust issues with someone who makes wiser and more mature choices. If not for her it may be someone else later on. The problem is him, unable to establish healthy boundaries or shut down inappropriate friendships.  He doesn’t sound ready to date at all or needs some real life lessons before being with anyone in a relationship. I’m sorry you’re in this position. 

 

True, but the reason I have trust issue is mainly because my last relationship didn’t end well and I got cheated many times. And my breakup is what brought me and my current boyfriend together. I’m honestly very conflicted right now. When I confronted him about it, he told me that the thinks he never crosses the line for instance, he told me he kept distance when they were together, he told her about being in a relationship with me when he sensed that she likes him and he rejected when she offered him to stay the night. He thinks talking to her whenever she needs him isn’t crossing the line. So you see the problem we have here is setting the boundaries itself. Something he thinks is normal, is not appropriate for me to be done between friends. And I don’t know how he still thinks of her in a positive way when she even tries to make him stay the night with her. I think the fact that this girl has been writing him everyday since although she said that she will stop talking to him or delete him, is just her testing the water and see if my boyfriend will leave me for her. Do you think I’m overthinking about it?

[Greenapple]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Then how exactly is this dating if you have never gone on dates? You two are doing this relationship completely backwards, which is a problem in and of itself. Never commit to someone you cannot see in person. 

Get rid of this "boyfriend." This is not what a relationship should look like, OP, and he's not a good guy.

 

Yeah the whole situation is not ideal at the moment. I’ve always planned to go back to where he is right now because I lived there in the past and have been planning to go back even way before we started being in a relationship. Because of the distance, we didn’t make it official at first but for some reason in the past 1-2 months we felt the need to make it official especially since that I always plan to go back and settle there regardless of his existence. So he isn’t someone I cannot see in person, it just needs a little bit of time since the whole covid situation. So it isn’t exactly a “mission impossible” kind of cyber relationship.

[Rose Mosse]

5 minutes ago, Xoxoxo020202 said:

True, but the reason I have trust issue is mainly because my last relationship didn’t end well and I got cheated many times. And my breakup is what brought me and my current boyfriend together. I’m honestly very conflicted right now. When I confronted him about it, he told me that the thinks he never crosses the line for instance, he told me he kept distance when they were together, he told her about being in a relationship with me when he sensed that she likes him and he rejected when she offered him to stay the night. He thinks talking to her whenever she needs him isn’t crossing the line. So you see the problem we have here is setting the boundaries itself. Something he thinks is normal, is not appropriate for me to be done between friends. And I don’t know how he still thinks of her in a positive way when she even tries to make him stay the night with her. I think the fact that this girl has been writing him everyday since although she said that she will stop talking to him or delete him, is just her testing the water and see if my boyfriend will leave me for her. Do you think I’m overthinking about it?

Unfortunately they both seem like they have poor impulse control and the both of you are incompatible in your values/approaches to situations like this. I don’t think you’re overthinking or overreacting about this in particular. 

The bigger concern to me is that you have spent no time in person at all and you were thinking of moving for him. That is incredibly risky and foolhardy. Have you thought of him making a move for you? Would he even contemplate something like that if the roles were reversed? 

 

[Greenapple]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Unfortunately they both seem like they have poor impulse control and the both of you are incompatible in your values/approaches to situations like this. I don’t think you’re overthinking or overreacting about this in particular. 

The bigger concern to me is that you have spent no time in person at all and you were thinking of moving for him. That is incredibly risky and foolhardy. Have you thought of him making a move for you? Would he even contemplate something like that if the roles were reversed? 

 

Honestly i’m not moving only for him. I’ve always planned to move back there way before I started talking to him again. I lived there before and I’ve always wanted to go back but it got postponed because of work, my father passing away and now covid. Even if I don’t end up with him because of this, I will still work on my original plan to move back. It’s just that since I want to be closer to him, I might want to put more effort on it and try to not postpone it any longer.

Sometimes we also think if the reason of this whole situation we are going through is because of the distance. But I think even if we are together physically, if she still tries to get his attention is that way and he still happily responds, I will still feel bad about it. So right now, I just want to see if it’s a relationship worth investing time and effort for, because I know for sure he will never change and will always be there for her if she needs him. He asks me to try to see her just as his regular friend but it’s not something that I can just accept easily at the moment.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Xoxoxo020202 said:

,we’ve never met in person.

It seems like they are dating and you're a cyber-pal.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Date local real life guys. Do not chase him or move to him.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local real-life real-men in person who you can see on a regular basis and form a relationship with.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, Greenapple said:

I puked for the whole week and lost 4 kg because of this

That is not healthy level of attachment. Especially for the long distance thing where you cant even see him except over computer screen. So I would indeed suggest to seek help regarding that for future relationships

However, him playing you both, you under the cover of him "just being friendly" while spending 13 hours with another girl, and her by having a girlfriend but still pursuing her, is also not cool. I would suggest to think long and hard why are you with the guy like that.

[smackie9]

Here's your answer....it's a no brainer any one that has better access to someone else is going to go with them. He reached out and now they are hitting it off. She said she would cut him off but hasn't. You are being a damn fool. They are in cahoots with each other.

[Batya33]

He's not your boyfriend.  He is a person you chat with and flirt with who you knew many years ago.  He is involved with someone else whether they are exclusive or otherwise.  He sees that woman in person, he cares for her, he is in constant touch with her.  You are lying to yourself and waiting a few more months is continuing the lie - of course nothing will change.  He is getting the benefit of you stroking his ego and doesn't have to put any effort into your interaction with him - you chase him, you're planning to move to where he is, etc.  Please cut off all contact today.  Your mind and stomach will thank you.

[Rose Mosse]

11 hours ago, Greenapple said:

Honestly i’m not moving only for him. I’ve always planned to move back there way before I started talking to him again. I lived there before and I’ve always wanted to go back but it got postponed because of work, my father passing away and now covid. Even if I don’t end up with him because of this, I will still work on my original plan to move back. It’s just that since I want to be closer to him, I might want to put more effort on it and try to not postpone it any longer.

Sometimes we also think if the reason of this whole situation we are going through is because of the distance. But I think even if we are together physically, if she still tries to get his attention is that way and he still happily responds, I will still feel bad about it. So right now, I just want to see if it’s a relationship worth investing time and effort for, because I know for sure he will never change and will always be there for her if she needs him. He asks me to try to see her just as his regular friend but it’s not something that I can just accept easily at the moment.

It’s not a relationship worth investing time and effort for. Be closer to your family and move for them but not for him. He is bottom of the barrel stringing two women along. 

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, Greenapple said:

So it isn’t exactly a “mission impossible” kind of cyber relationship

But it is still very much only a cyber "relationship" at this point. 

This isn't dating, OP. This is a guy you talk to online. It isn't my intention to deningrate your feelings but this isn't what a relationship looks like. 

[catfeeder]

Quote

a month before he met me, he started writing to her again as a friend.

So this is something you knew about him going in, and you accepted that deal.

This is also someone you've never met in person, so what are your chances of converting this into a real-life relationship?

You're learning why it's important to choose your relationships wisely.

Question how wise it is to invest your focus in a stranger who has an active crush on someone else, and then make a better decision.