Am I overreacting?

[Beezleboo]

Okay so my boyfriend of nearly a year is staying at his best male friends mums this weekend as they are renovating their camper/lorry and he’s doing some work for them (just his parents there, his friend has moved away). I’ve had a really bad week with my depression and haven’t seen him but we’ve spoken daily. 

Anyway, we speak at 7:30pm and he said he will message or call me later before bed. I don’t hear from him all night and I assume he fell asleep early but when I spoke to him this morning he told me he was up until 5am drinking with their neighbour who he’s never met before. She’s the same age as us and they were drinking with his friends parents, then when they went to bed they went to the lorry and drank/took a bit of drugs until 5am. He said they were just listening to music. He normally messages me during the night as I won’t wake up to it but didn’t last night. 

I’m really annoyed at him, am I being completely out of order? I just find it strange that he’d spend a night getting drunk in a lorry with some random girl he’s just met. 

Ive told him how I feel and he says he’s not in the wrong and can’t understand why I’m annoyed however he apologised for not messaging me especially as I’m so down at the moment. 
 

I’m meant to be going out tomorrow for the day with him and his friends parents (who I haven’t met before) but don’t know if I should go? 

[Batya33]

I’m sorry you’re upset. Did he want to see you this past week? Do you see him as your caregiver as well as your boyfriend ? Why does he have to check in with you when he’s away with his friend?  Does he typically get drunk and use drugs? Do you have friends you chat with when you’re feeling down ?  I hope you feel better. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Beezleboo said:

he was up until 5am drinking with their neighbour who he’s never met before. they went to the lorry and drank/took a bit of drugs until 5am? 

It may be best to not reward him for a stunt like this. It's unclear why he's telling you about his drinking and drugging fun with some girl? 

[Kwothe28]

Seems sus. However, if he had something to hide he wouldnt have just told you. Cheaters usually hide stuff like that, he could have just said neighbour is a male or that he was tired and didnt call. Where friends parents also there with them?

It boils down to trust but with no evidence its kind of the lose/lose scenario for you. If you go and if something did happened its bad because you will let it slide. If you dont go you will forever be "jealous girlfriend". But I do agree that you maybe shouldnt let it slide just like that. Especially if they were alone.

[Beezleboo]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I’m sorry you’re upset. Did he want to see you this past week? Do you see him as your caregiver as well as your boyfriend ? Why does he have to check in with you when he’s away with his friend?  Does he typically get drunk and use drugs? Do you have friends you chat with when you’re feeling down ?  I hope you feel better. 

Hi, yes he did want to see me. No, he is not my caregiver, I don’t need caring for. He doesn’t need to check in with me at all, I encourage him to go and have fun and stay off his phone but he routinely messages me when away so it was out of character for him not to. Yes mainly drinks, occasional drug. Thank you 

[Beezleboo]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It may be best to not reward him for a stunt like this. It's unclear why he's telling you about his drinking and drugging fun with some girl? 

Yeah, I think so also. 
I’m really not sure why he told me, he just said it would be okay if he did it with a guy. 

[Beezleboo]

48 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Seems sus. However, if he had something to hide he wouldnt have just told you. Cheaters usually hide stuff like that, he could have just said neighbour is a male or that he was tired and didnt call. Where friends parents also there with them?

It boils down to trust but with no evidence its kind of the lose/lose scenario for you. If you go and if something did happened its bad because you will let it slide. If you dont go you will forever be "jealous girlfriend". But I do agree that you maybe shouldnt let it slide just like that. Especially if they were alone.

Hi, yeah I’m glad he told me but it’s not something I ever thought I’d hear. His friends parents were up til about midnight, he then proceeded to go to the lorry where he was sleeping with her and they carried on alone until 5am. 
I trust him, but it’s just not a nice situation to hear about your boyfriend being in. 
 

I think I’m not going to go tomorrow, as he knows I’m not the jealous type. 

[Kwothe28]

5 minutes ago, Beezleboo said:

His friends parents were up til about midnight, he then proceeded to go to the lorry where he was sleeping with her and they carried on alone until 5am. 

Had to google "lorry" but thats a truck? Yeah, very suspicious if they were alone.

[idkwhy]

Personally, I would be pretty bothered if my BF would spend such a night with a random girl, regardless of what he did or didn’t do with her. I mean, I’m cool with female friends, as long as the guy really shares a connection with them, not doing drugs with some girl all night. Seems a lil sus, but that doesn’t mean he’s cheating. Maybe he just had a great time and didn’t think about texting, but was nothing personal. He didn’t try to hide anything as someone was saying below. 
I’d honestly won’t totally let go of the problem, you can join him and the friends for the day if you feeling to, I’d pay more attention to him and especially to what my gut is telling me. 

 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Beezleboo said:

he just said it would be okay if he did it with a guy. 

Did what with a guy?🤣

[idkwhy]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Did what with a guy?🤣

I think you should really encourage him to put himself in your place for 2 minutes 🙂

[Batya33]

47 minutes ago, Beezleboo said:

Hi, yes he did want to see me. No, he is not my caregiver, I don’t need caring for. He doesn’t need to check in with me at all, I encourage him to go and have fun and stay off his phone but he routinely messages me when away so it was out of character for him not to. Yes mainly drinks, occasional drug. Thank you 

How I see it is he was hurt -right or wrong -that you refused to see him all week and he wanted some space from you.  If you know he chooses to drink to excess then you know he's willing to risk reacting to his intoxication by choosing to behave inappropriately.  Doesn't sound like a good match since you have mental health issues and those will be exacerbated when he chooses to get drunk and chooses to behave inappropriately.

[smackie9]

All you have to do is thank him for his honesty. Then proceed to tell him his behavior was inappropriate.  Him being intoxicated, and having poor judgment is concerning. This time you will give him a pass but he's not off the hook...that this is a warning, and that there better not be a next time.

[catfeeder]

Quote

Am I overreacting?

I don't think you're overreacting. While I'd be PO'd by what he did, I'd be extra PO'd that he'd be stupid enough to tell me about it.

I'd cancel on the family-meet, and I'd use that time to reconsider why I'm with this guy in the first place.

[melancholy123]

I think if he had had sex or tried to with that girl, he would not have told you about it.  He'd have said he fell asleep and you would be none the wiser.  The fact he did tell you makes me think he was doing what he said, drinking and messing with some drugs.

[SooSad33]

IMO, he never msg'd because he was too out of it to do so and time passed.

But, he did msg you today.... I don't think it matters that he had a few with a gal over that way.

I suggest you trust him and go hang out like was planned.