Breakup out of the blue after 6 months

[James Pohn]

Hi to all.

I was already on that forum one year ago, and first want to thank you all for the support you showed me. 

Fast forward, 6 months ago, i started a relationship again, with a girl of 31 years old (i am currently 29). The only thing that made me doubt first was that she had two children (4 years old) and was separated (legally, but waiting on the divorce to be pronounced) from her ex-husband. Bad divorce with an ex that was not great (apparently), who doesn't behave good when he has the two children (1 week out of 2). After a few months, i was ok with that. As she asked me after 3 month, if i woudl want to see them, i said that yes, just needed some  time to see if we were great together. She understood and agreed.

Appart from that, every thing was perfect between us. She seemed to now what she wanted, great chemistry, same values, we really hit together.

After 5 months, she told me that she loved me, and so did I. She told me how perfect I was, strong, carrying, and stuff like that.

We went on vacation for one week on the 6th month. Everything was great the evening before as always. But suddenly, the morning when i was driving (italy is amazing by the way!), she became silent and cold for the whole trip. The first evening of our holiday, she began to provoque me, saying strange (and sometimes mean) things:

- she said that my family name was not great and she wouldnt see her having it in the future. I was pissed and let her know. She apologized

- she told me she suddenly began to see my flaws. When I asked what, she told me that , for e.g, i was walking in a strange way sometimes. 

- that she had fear i wouldnt love her children, as i do not have children myself and i probably am not a child-guy.

I was confused and a little bit shocked. Its like if she did everything to find me some problems that were not existing.

She calmed down, apologized, said that she missed her children...and had to find me some flaws because i am perfect and she fears to be to strongly attracted to me if it doesnt work out...

The whole week was a roller coaster between her being nice as usual and unbearable as previously described. Not great!

When we came back, again, she said that i was perfect, i answered to all her doubts and that she loved me a lot and thanked me..only for, two days after, not texting anymore and finally telling me that she had a lot of doubts. She wanted to breakup. She also said that she had "emotional blockages" because of her ex, that appeared again. 

at the breakup, i told her that i  didnt want to be friends with her, that if she changed her mind, let me know. I am like that: i dont look back. She said it was difficult, she kissed me on the lips, and all that stuff.

Two days after, she again, texted me, stating she thought about me. I proposed to see her, she said yes, was very nice and then she cancelled it..she doesn't seem to know what she wants. But still want contact...

Should i give up on that "bull***"? she seemed very great for 6 months, but now, seeing how everything went south in a matter of days, she seems unstable to know what she wants. If she contacts me ever again, (as she did on multiple times), i don't know..i love her and would be pleased to rekindle, but at the same time, i would fear that she breaks up again. As i did nothing wrong per se, she just dumped me because of some strange reasons..i would fear it again

What do you guys think?

Nice day to all of you!

 

[TONI20]

Is there any chance that her ex is back in her life or perhaps she thinks you are too good to be true and sabotaging this? 

I think the best way is to cut all contact and let her make up her mind. Do not tell you will wait for her or that she should reach out when she is ready. This way you are leaving door open so she will not rush back in.

I have a messed up situation too so I do know how confusing and painful this is.

take care of yourself 

 

[James Pohn]

Hi TONI20.

I dont know what happened in her mind (and i dont need to know, after all).

I asked her why she contacted me again this morning, she said its because she thought about me. I made clear that i dont want to be friends with her, and to please not contact me if its for that. I know what i want. Is it so difficult for her to understand? Then she said:

"it would have been great to see us face to face, see how it goes, but i dont want to talk and discuss if we see each other, and you seems to want that" and "its all or nothing"

A lot of unclear thoughts from her side i must say 😁

[Kwothe28]

Sounds like she wanted out. Maybe from fear of commitment, maybe on vacation she saw some stuff about you she doesnt like, but she wanted out. Hence why all those small stuff that bothered her and that she had to tell you to "provoke an issue" so you would give her that "out". Leave it at that, she doesnt know what she wants, wanted out and get it but she still contacts you. Dont allow her that next time. Heck I would even go "no contact" there. Because you wont get far with her "I want to pee but now I dont want to pee" attitude.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, James Pohn said:

Should i give up on that "bull***"? she seemed very great for 6 months.

Yes. Free yourself from all the chitchat and friendzone nonsense. When you delete and block her from all your messaging apps, you'll be relieved and can move forward in peace.

 Is this the same women?:

 

[James Pohn]

Hi Wiseman2, not it is not the same. I never heard from that one again, which was good .

[James Pohn]

49 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Sounds like she wanted out. Maybe from fear of commitment, maybe on vacation she saw some stuff about you she doesnt like, but she wanted out. Hence why all those small stuff that bothered her and that she had to tell you to "provoke an issue" so you would give her that "out". Leave it at that, she doesnt know what she wants, wanted out and get it but she still contacts you. Dont allow her that next time. Heck I would even go "no contact" there. Because you wont get far with her "I want to pee but now I dont want to pee" attitude.

She even said  at the breakup that she had to try hard not to contact me, because its difficult (hek! at the end of the day she wanted it). She said she deleted my number and my instagram..but she found again my phone number , whatsapped me, and even sent me messages through instagram, even if she is not following me anymore..

She seems confused, i rarely saw that. its like she HAD to breakup but DIDNT want to... 

it seems that her children play a role in that decision, as she always negatively told me about the fact i didnt have some...

[MissCanuck]

Yep, time to move on. 

She's all over the map and people like her make the worst type of partner. They're unreliable, will blow hot and cold, and generally leave you feeling insecure and always uncertain where you stand with them. 

Plus, she sounds like a bit of jerk. You walk strangely and she doesn't like your last name? Get over yourself, lady. 

[TONI20]

It seems she picked on things to provoke you. Just like others said. It would break my heart to say a such comment to my boyfriend. Not sure how people can do that.

Please cut her off without any announcements that you will do. No need for it. Just do it and take some distance. In 6months each person can be "lovely". 

You not having kids was also an issue? I am lost for words 

[James Pohn]

4 minutes ago, TONI20 said:

It seems she picked on things to provoke you. Just like others said. It would break my heart to say a such comment to my boyfriend. Not sure how people can do that.

Please cut her off without any announcements that you will do. No need for it. Just do it and take some distance. In 6months each person can be "lovely". 

You not having kids was also an issue? I am lost for words 

Yes. At the breakup she was crying and told me that "if i had kids, we would have spent our life together". Of course, i didnt like to hear such thing, because it makes you think that she still loves you and that it would have been possible...

I dont want to find her excuses, but her situation (not divorced yet, nearly violent ex that doesnt care for his children at all) is a little bit of a mess. Hence, maybe, her reaction to me

[Kwothe28]

38 minutes ago, James Pohn said:

She seems confused, i rarely saw that. its like she HAD to breakup but DIDNT want to... 

 

No, she absolutely WANTED to. Hence why she dug up at least some reason to get out. You can never know with people like her because one day it would all be OK and she would spam love sentences and next she would see something she doesnt like and then spam why you are incompatible. More often then not, those reasons can be just as dumb as "you walk the wrong way". As Ive said we call that people "I want to pee but now I dont want to pee" because of how much oscilations they have when it comes to stuff. They really are too unreliable for anything serious. 

[James Pohn]

29 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

No, she absolutely WANTED to. Hence why she dug up at least some reason to get out. You can never know with people like her because one day it would all be OK and she would spam love sentences and next she would see something she doesnt like and then spam why you are incompatible. More often then not, those reasons can be just as dumb as "you walk the wrong way". As Ive said we call that people "I want to pee but now I dont want to pee" because of how much oscilations they have when it comes to stuff. They really are too unreliable for anything serious. 

Well she was reliable enough to br 11 years with a guy and have children..even if it ended badly.

She talked to me how her emotional blockage came back at once. 

She seems to just not be in a period to date, if i had to analyze myself...

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, James Pohn said:

I made clear that i dont want to be friends with her, and to please not contact me if its for that.

It seems like the reason you won't delete nd block her is the hope that she wants to reconcile rather than be friends.

It's your job, not hers, to assure she doesn't contact you. At this point you're just dragging out the breakup and spinning in circles.

[James Pohn]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like the reason you won't delete nd block her is the hope that she wants to reconcile rather than be friends.

It's your job, not hers, to assure she doesn't contact you. At this point you're just dragging out the breakup and spinning in circles.

I think your totally right. Because she sent so mixed signals, i was weak. I already deleted her since the breakup, i guess she hasnt done thr same (hence her being able to contact me).

i must remain strong and not wanting such flaky behaviour back.

 

Thanks to you guys !

[DancingFool]

53 minutes ago, James Pohn said:

Well she was reliable enough to br 11 years with a guy and have children..even if it ended badly.

She talked to me how her emotional blockage came back at once. 

She seems to just not be in a period to date, if i had to analyze myself...

Thing is that you don't actually know that. You don't have any way of knowing what really went on in their marriage and whether anything she claims about her soon to be ex husband is true or not.

You've known her barely 6 months, which is still the honeymoon period. However, you should pay careful attention to the sudden change and how mean she became to you.

It's one thing to decide that you are not happy or don't want to continue a relationship and end it politely. It's quite another to start sniping and attacking you with absurd things like your last name, or the way you walk, or the utterly ridiculous idea that you can't be good with children because you don't have any yet. That's pretty cruel and a forest of red flags.

Sorry to say, but I think you dodged a bullet here and should actually close the door shut on her for good. Rather than focusing on a good few months, pay attention to the way she is treating you right now because you are getting a good look at what's behind the facade and it's not pretty. She is quite cruel.

It would be different if she came to you and said something along the lines that she is going through a rough patch and needs to step away to sort herself out and maybe down the line you can reconnect if you are still single. That would be honest and kind. Instead she is blaming you and accusing you of the impossible, like not having children. Literally....***

[James Pohn]

11 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Thing is that you don't actually know that. You don't have any way of knowing what really went on in their marriage and whether anything she claims about her soon to be ex husband is true or not.

You've known her barely 6 months, which is still the honeymoon period. However, you should pay careful attention to the sudden change and how mean she became to you.

It's one thing to decide that you are not happy or don't want to continue a relationship and end it politely. It's quite another to start sniping and attacking you with absurd things like your last name, or the way you walk, or the utterly ridiculous idea that you can't be good with children because you don't have any yet. That's pretty cruel and a forest of red flags.

Sorry to say, but I think you dodged a bullet here and should actually close the door shut on her for good. Rather than focusing on a good few months, pay attention to the way she is treating you right now because you are getting a good look at what's behind the facade and it's not pretty. She is quite cruel.

It would be different if she came to you and said something along the lines that she is going through a rough patch and needs to step away to sort herself out and maybe down the line you can reconnect if you are still single. That would be honest and kind. Instead she is blaming you and accusing you of the impossible, like not having children. Literally....***

Because she thoughts that i am maybe not a "child person".

She asked me rather soon when i would see them. In my opinion, after 2-3 months its not enough to know each other. I told her that and that it was also to protect the children (like if she presents them multiple partners, it would be good for them, and confusing).

But she told me she couldnt wait more for me to see them, because if i didntl like them, all our relationship would have been for nothing. 

I had problem  understanding her point of view.  No rush when it comes children. I would have agreed after 6 months maybe . 

As for the flaws she told me, she said she HAD to find something against me but said sorry because i was "perfect" . Between that and her silence , it was not the best  vacation as you'd guess.

[James Pohn]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like the reason you won't delete nd block her is the hope that she wants to reconcile rather than be friends.

It's your job, not hers, to assure she doesn't contact you. At this point you're just dragging out the breakup and spinning in circles.

I think she wanted more.

All the texting , the kissing.

And when I proposed to see her (before she cancelled)  she wanted to come  at my place and she even made sexual Jokes. 

dosen't  help to think clearly..

[DancingFool]

17 minutes ago, James Pohn said:

Because she thoughts that i am maybe not a "child person".

She asked me rather soon when i would see them. In my opinion, after 2-3 months its not enough to know each other. I told her that and that it was also to protect the children (like if she presents them multiple partners, it would be good for them, and confusing).

But she told me she couldnt wait more for me to see them, because if i didntl like them, all our relationship would have been for nothing. 

I had problem  understanding her point of view.  No rush when it comes children. I would have agreed after 6 months maybe . 

As for the flaws she told me, she said she HAD to find something against me but said sorry because i was "perfect" . Between that and her silence , it was not the best  vacation as you'd guess.

Well....how ironic that she was accusing you of not being a child person when you were the one who actually showed more sense about the children than she did.

She is still going through the divorce. The children are literally still processing all of that and now she wants to introduce them to a new man who may or may not work out in the long run. Why would she push that? So they can be even more traumatized? Also, she wants to hold that against you?

I'll just say this again. This woman is not anywhere near as great as you thought and you dodged a huge bullet.

This is why we date and why it takes a long time to get to know someone for real. Six months is nothing. When you start seeing red flags, pay attention. In this case, I think you are lucky it ended when it did even if this is hard to accept.

You are very stuck on "she called me perfect" which is more your ego talking than your rational self. Nobody is perfect and it's not really an endearment as such. Be wary of those who put you on a pedestal as the fall will hard and abrupt.

[James Pohn]

33 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Well....how ironic that she was accusing you of not being a child person when you were the one who actually showed more sense about the children than she did.

She is still going through the divorce. The children are literally still processing all of that and now she wants to introduce them to a new man who may or may not work out in the long run. Why would she push that? So they can be even more traumatized? Also, she wants to hold that against you?

I'll just say this again. This woman is not anywhere near as great as you thought and you dodged a huge bullet.

This is why we date and why it takes a long time to get to know someone for real. Six months is nothing. When you start seeing red flags, pay attention. In this case, I think you are lucky it ended when it did even if this is hard to accept.

You are very stuck on "she called me perfect" which is more your ego talking than your rational self. Nobody is perfect and it's not really an endearment as such. Be wary of those who put you on a pedestal as the fall will hard and abrupt.

Thank you for your input. I never see things that way (probably still too much into it). 

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, James Pohn said:

After 5 months, she told me that she loved me, and so did I. She told me how perfect I was, strong, carrying, and stuff like that.

We went on vacation for one week on the 6th month. Everything was great the evening before as always. But suddenly, the morning when i was driving (italy is amazing by the way!), she became silent and cold for the whole trip.

Sounds like a rebound on her end.

She does not 'love' you.... she sounds quite unsettled and is NOT over her last relationship.

And NO, you do not 'rekindle' anything with her.  You already know of her instability.  It will happen again.. and will just mess you up some more.

People like this, being so unsettled, get involved too quickly.. and if a rebound, they end as fast as they start.  No good.

So, remain at a distance and expect nothing!  No friendship, no more contact.  Leave her be.

 

[Cherylyn]

Yes you should give up on that __________.  Why waste your time, energy and resources on a relationship  going nowhere?  It defies logic and it's senseless.  She's UNSTABLE.  Repeat that word in your brain.  She's also very insecure, overwhelmed and very distracted as a young mother with child rearing responsibilities (I know because I'm a mother) and she's not of sound mind for a relationship.  She nit picked about everything she was irritated by you to give herself excuses to break up with you.  She was  bored and on her way out to no fault of your own.  She was already preparing her exit.  You need to really move on after she rejected and dumped you.  I'm sorry.

Don't rekindle.  It's over.  That's what I think.

[James Pohn]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Sounds like a rebound on her end.

She does not 'love' you.... she sounds quite unsettled and is NOT over her last relationship.

And NO, you do not 'rekindle' anything with her.  You already know of her instability.  It will happen again.. and will just mess you up some more.

People like this, being so unsettled, get involved too quickly.. and if a rebound, they end as fast as they start.  No good.

So, remain at a distance and expect nothing!  No friendship, no more contact.  Leave her be.

 

Then why is she contacting even if i stated not to contact me. I guess its indeed unstability...

[SooSad33]

15 hours ago, James Pohn said:

Two days after, she again, texted me, stating she thought about me. I proposed to see her, she said yes, was very nice and then she cancelled it..she doesn't seem to know what she wants. But still want contact...

You asked to not speak anymore.  She did not respect your request.  Some do this due to guilt.. or attention seeking.

Reminder... She dumped you

                   She is not okay.

You get away & stay away... No more communication is necessary, right?

You just don't play their head games.  It's done!

Move on.

[poorlittlefish]

At six months in, the honeymoon period was starting to wane and things she didn't like were starting to bother her.  It happens a lot.  Personally I would never date someone who's not divorced, because of some of the issues you describe.  She's not over her marriage and is likely feeling bitter.  She needs to get her divorced finalised and get her head together before dating again.

[James Pohn]

Hi everyone,

yesterday evening was hard for me. Because she contacted me again. Again making false hope.  I asked her why she contacted me. I really wanted to know what she wants..

Here the short conv after she contacted me for some bull***

Me: why are you still contacting me?

Her: because i thought about you. I dont know when i can see you, my week is full booked thats why i didnt answer.

Me: I told you i dont want to be friend /chitchat buddy with you. Not interested in friendzone/platonic stuff

Her: well it would maybe have been good to see each other face to face...to see how it goes. Its either everything or nothing at all.

Me: yes, i want that as well

Her: no because you will want to talk, i dont

Me: i force nobody to stay in my life.

No answer then.

Again, all her bizzare phrasing (it would have been great good to see how it goes, blabla) making me false hope and question what she wants.

I know i should block her but guys, its like and addiction just so fresh after the beakup. You can now tell me how stupid i am, i know 🤣

Stay strong, they say...