Becoming left on the shelf

[smackie9]

if you are feeling down about your life, hire a life coach. You can call them and they will re-enforce your confidence level, boost your esteem, etc. Give you some guidance on the fly.

[Carnatic]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

if you are feeling down about your life, hire a life coach. You can call them and they will re-enforce your confidence level, boost your esteem, etc. Give you some guidance on the fly.

on that topic has anyone ever used 7cups?

[Carnatic]

15 hours ago, Fudgie said:

Yes, have a think about it. And you're right, you did say something nice about yourself in your OP. It's a good trait to be able to discern between right & wrong. It also sounds like you have a good bulls__t detector, which is another plus. Given your relative age and the fact that you've been alone for a while, you'd be prime fodder for incel recruitment if you didn't have that dectection. I think the SJW may or may not be an attractive thing, depends on the woman. 

Notice that I said good traits, not attractive. This is because "good" doesn't always = attractive and depending on how conventional you are, you may not appeal to everyone. And that's okay. Having a couple crummy Tinder dates doesn't really tell you anything because the truth is, the vast majority of people are not for any one person. If your goal is to find a real connection, then you're going to wade through a lot of muck.

But really, have a think about it: what do you bring to the table? And why do you want to find someone now? Why now? 

I still can't think of the answer to that first question... to answer your second, why now? Well I've always wanted to find someone, but there's a subtle difference between being content with your life as a single person; and not wishing to find someone... also also between being content being single and being content with the likelihood that you will always be single.

Why now? I'm feeling emotional... probably to do with having recently come off meds.

[Pleasedonot5]

OP, I feel ya. I recently had my anxiety medication adjusted. Can confirm: medication adjustments can be a rollercoaster. Sorry you are going through that. That said, you are not feeling this way only because of the change in medication. These are real, valid fears, concerns, and anxieties and you should acknowledge -- not downplay -- them. 

Are you currently in therapy, OP? Seeing a counselor who practices cognitive behavioral therapy may help you make productive changes, work on the low self-esteem, and change some of those self-destructive thought patterns. 

--

Side-note, OP. You are introspective, thoughtful, and moral. I am a complete stranger and I can see that. Those are generally considered to be great qualities in a person -- and I would put those characteristics in the "attractive" column. Give yourself a little credit.

[bellaje]

Carnatic,

I am a 49 year old woman who for the longest time (and still is) intensely afraid of intimacy emotionally, and have felt like you most of my life and also felt worse as time went on. I had a child with a man I thought I loved, that he didn't value me enough want to get married, I kicked him out and he died of cancer and I have never forgiven myself on many levels. I have repeating patterns that I cannot seem to stop and I've gotten medical help, because in menopause I have a much harder time than I did when I was younger with moods, energy level, less patience, etc. No matter what anyone says I KNOW I look like hell and even if a man finds me attractive physically that is worse because his behavior is all about throwing me consolation prizes and reassurance etc when he is trying to not be mean.  So the disconnect you are feeling is real and you should listen to it by acting. If you hate dating, do it more! You cannot escape. Neither could I. I just had to reassure a 50 year old man I dated 15 years ago that his ten extra pounds means nothing. The pounds mean nothing unless they do to you and its my job to be on your team while you change that, that is IF "I" really mattered, which of course I do not. And I have to take responsibility for sticking my head out to get it ripped off and wondering why I'm miserable. He has to like a girl enough to stick in there, and often he and you aren't supposed to want to. Tell yourself that life can be hard or it can be easy. Make a choice and look at the results. Be honest about what is not working. That is very easy sounding yet very hard. Its not "YOU" its the "NOT WORKING" you are addressing.

stolen but worth repeating:

Side-note, OP. You are introspective, thoughtful, and moral. I am a complete stranger and I can see that. Those are generally considered to be great qualities in a person -- and I would put those characteristics in the "attractive" column. Give yourself a little credit.

 

It is far too easy to hate the opposite sex for the glass wall between you in relationship. Its up to you to continue to chose not to accept that as real.

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, Carnatic said:

on that topic has anyone ever used 7cups?

Some people say it was good, BUT you have to be cautious. Chatrooms can have unqualified people being abusive, sexually explicate, etc. As a community, some say they have made friends. Use at your own discretion.

[bellaje]

There are women that are interested in you that aren't showing or making you feel like it.

[bellaje]

carnatic you are right about the girls in the bar, but so totally not right about it being you specifically. I think it is hilarious to watch the top gun bar scene. We now know so much about all those actors personally, and I see it now and its fake of course but the culture/scene was like a game/match to show how everyone was strong in uncertain situations/ being in an in-the-inbetween place in life.

I really stayed away from bars entirely so that dynamic couldn't even happen. But that wasn't the guys fault. Later on I went into bar scenes and I swear I could feel the tension or something bad in the air for most everyone. I'd love to hear from someone who stayed in it to get over it. They can get over it and you can get over it. If you don't get the girl in a bar, you will find her. 

[Carnatic]

12 minutes ago, bellaje said:

carnatic you are right about the girls in the bar, but so totally not right about it being you specifically. I think it is hilarious to watch the top gun bar scene. We now know so much about all those actors personally, and I see it now and its fake of course but the culture/scene was like a game/match to show how everyone was strong in uncertain situations/ being in an in-the-inbetween place in life.

I really stayed away from bars entirely so that dynamic couldn't even happen. But that wasn't the guys fault. Later on I went into bar scenes and I swear I could feel the tension or something bad in the air for most everyone. I'd love to hear from someone who stayed in it to get over it. They can get over it and you can get over it. If you don't get the girl in a bar, you will find her. 

I remember going to bars when I was in my early twenties, mainly with guy friends because back then groups of friends were strictly single gender. As soon as we got in though , I might as well have not existed as far as my friends were concerned as their attention was 100% taken up by eyeing up the women in the bar, posing and eventually going up to make an introduction.

I didn't like it and just did my own thing, mainly drinking, dancing and if I was lucky, chatting with those among my friends who were also  just happy to be out. Not every night was like this, but a decent proportion.

I also felt really uncomfortable during the pre and post drinks as guys bragged about the girls they did (or didn't) get lucky with. Hoping they didn't ask me because I had no answers to their questions (I had my first kiss at 21 and my second wasn't until I was 26,which was also when I lost my virginity, and that was to a girl who made it clear throughout our relationship how repulsive I was).

[bellaje]

Author

Posted 2 hours ago

  2 hours ago, bellaje said:

carnatic you are right about the girls in the bar, but so totally not right about it being you specifically. I think it is hilarious to watch the top gun bar scene. We now know so much about all those actors personally, and I see it now and its fake of course but the culture/scene was like a game/match to show how everyone was strong in uncertain situations/ being in an in-the-inbetween place in life.

I really stayed away from bars entirely so that dynamic couldn't even happen. But that wasn't the guys fault. Later on I went into bar scenes and I swear I could feel the tension or something bad in the air for most everyone. I'd love to hear from someone who stayed in it to get over it. They can get over it and you can get over it. If you don't get the girl in a bar, you will find her. 

I remember going to bars when I was in my early twenties, mainly with guy friends because back then groups of friends were strictly single gender. As soon as we got in though , I might as well have not existed as far as my friends were concerned as their attention was 100% taken up by eyeing up the women in the bar, posing and eventually going up to make an introduction.

I didn't like it and just did my own thing, mainly drinking, dancing and if I was lucky, chatting with those among my friends who were also  just happy to be out. Not every night was like this, but a decent proportion.

I also felt really uncomfortable during the pre and post drinks as guys bragged about the girls they did (or didn't) get lucky with. Hoping they didn't ask me because I had no answers to their questions (I had my first kiss at 21 and my second wasn't until I was 26,which was also when I lost my virginity, and that was to a girl who made it clear throughout our relationship how repulsive I was).

 

 

After this nauseating bit I'm glad I'm old.

[Carnatic]

18 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

OP, I feel ya. I recently had my anxiety medication adjusted. Can confirm: medication adjustments can be a rollercoaster. Sorry you are going through that. That said, you are not feeling this way only because of the change in medication. These are real, valid fears, concerns, and anxieties and you should acknowledge -- not downplay -- them. 

Are you currently in therapy, OP? Seeing a counselor who practices cognitive behavioral therapy may help you make productive changes, work on the low self-esteem, and change some of those self-destructive thought patterns. 

--

Side-note, OP. You are introspective, thoughtful, and moral. I am a complete stranger and I can see that. Those are generally considered to be great qualities in a person -- and I would put those characteristics in the "attractive" column. Give yourself a little credit.

I'm currently on holiday with family for a week too. That's mostly positive but it does make it harder to retreat from public view when I'm feeling it too much. When hot weather forces me to forgo the jacket I usually wear and when I've walked past enough shop windows and other reflective surfaces and I'm just sick of the sight of myself. It's a bit of a dilemma, because I don't want to miss out on the fun and interesting things that getting away can bring, but I just feel more visible than normal.

I'm not back in therapy yet... I have been three or four times but it's never really worked because it always just feels like a box-ticking exercise to see how quickly you can get to the point where you no-longer require therapy, and I often feel under pressure to show that the therapy is working (in addition to the short-term positive of going to therapy giving a false impression of how happy I am).

[Carnatic]

There's a few responses I missed earlier about ways to meet women. @Batya33@Andrina etc. Apologies for that.

I could follow up on these... I been interested in the idea of running courses, though it is a bit of a saturated market, it seems everyone who has ever once looked at a camera considers themself qualified to run photography courses. I apply for jobs at local colleges though.

I think though, meeting women isn't the problem, I already meet plenty of women just in my day-to-day life. I have a large collective of friends (mostly creative types in their twenties and thirties) that is about half male, half female... 5% other, so I'm not suggesting that the issue is that I don't know how to meet women... it's just plain and simple that I really don't have any 'kerb-appeal'.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

 

I'm not back in therapy yet... I have been three or four times but it's never really worked because it always just feels like a box-ticking exercise to see how quickly you can get to the point where you no-longer require therapy, and I often feel under pressure to show that the therapy is working (in addition to the short-term positive of going to therapy giving a false impression of how happy I am).

Not a therapist. Not in therapy.  Know many who are.  Seems like you just haven't found the right therapist just like many people with medical issues need to shop around to find the right doctor.  I'm glad you're on holiday!  Change of scenery can help a lot even if it doesn't feel like that right now. 

What helps me get out of my head and "detox" for lack of a better word is the cardio exercise I do daily -been doing that regularly (not daily until about the last 10 years -was more like 4 times/week) since 1982.  All outdoors since March 2020 because of covid and the outdoors part adds so much to the mental benefits, getting out of my head, being in the larger outdoors (I go in or near a gorgeous park down the block from where we live depending on timing and safety considerations). 

Going first thing in the morning at dawn is what works best for me -frames the whole day, starts the day, feels good to work up a huge appetite for breakfast and then I also get it out of the way.  But you find the time that works for you and make it a practice ,a habit, a no excuses thing.  I have many checks in place so I make zero excuses that I've developed and fine tuned over the years given different life stages and responsibilities. 

It's actually kind of self-absorbed -I do this alone - I decline invitations for a "partner" -my husband does his own exercise later in the day), I have my headphones in, I am entirely focused on me and pushing myself to get the most cardio benefit BUT at the same time it reaffirms for me what matters, gets me out in nature, I see others jogging/working out too and it motivates me - and it clears my head in the best way possible - it also forces me to work through big and small "issues".

It's only 30-35 minutes but it's every day and even that short period of time makes a huge difference (I'm 55).  It feels like therapy and no pressure to improve because the rewards are so obvious (and it doesn't hurt when my 12 year old son comments on how "fit" I look but outer looks are only a small part of the motivation).

You seem to have the time to take on this kind of habit -start small and I promise you you'll feel the rewards. The financial investment for me is good sneakers, comfortable workout clothes (can be cheap or otherwise), a really good and large water bottle and extra earbuds if mine break (I need to listen to music/podcasts but you might not).  

[Carnatic]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What helps me get out of my head and "detox" for lack of a better word is the cardio exercise I do daily -been doing that regularly (not daily until about the last 10 years -was more like 4 times/week) since 1982.  All outdoors since March 2020 because of covid and the outdoors part adds so much to the mental benefits, getting out of my head, being in the larger outdoors (I go in or near a gorgeous park down the block from where we live depending on timing and safety considerations). 

Going first thing in the morning at dawn is what works best for me -frames the whole day, starts the day, feels good to work up a huge appetite for breakfast and then I also get it out of the way.  But you find the time that works for you and make it a practice ,a habit, a no excuses thing.  I have many checks in place so I make zero excuses that I've developed and fine tuned over the years given different life stages and responsibilities.

 

Yeah being on holiday does mean that I'm missing exercise, although probably walking more so there's that. I'm more of an evening exercise person.. I used to do morning and I see the advantages of that, but then I found that mornings were harder to fit into my schedule... there were too many things, if I had an early start or somesuch that might cause me to miss a day or two, whereas I found it easier to make a routine of exercising before tea.

In case you're interested my routine is 30 minutes per day on my exercise bike and aim to walk 3.5 miles per day (the reason for that number is that's simply how long a walk it is into town and back) for at least 4 out of the 7 days each week.

[Breadfruit]

Maybe you’ll find this encouraging?  I’m 58 and have never married. I used to date a normal amount at the end of high school and in college/grad school, but started realizing that I was dating people who were worse and worse “fits” for me, staying with them to be seeing someone, etc.  I started thinking I needed to figure out what was wrong, why this was happening, and just concentrate on work etc.  I was about 35 then. I gained a lot of weight then. 8 years later I had worked on my weight but had a ways to go, and did a little online dating.  Some dates were awful — on one longer date, I didn’t just feel not attracted or indifferent — I started really disliking this rude, self-centered and unkind guy.  I thought who needs this? I’d rather be cleaning the bathroom. And by the way, my self esteem has always been low.

Going on a slight tangent here, but it will connect. Years before that bad date, I had gotten sick of working for/with nasty people who made my days miserable. At a job interview, when asked what I was looking for I was just totally candid.  I said I wanted to work with nice people and have interesting work. The man interviewing me almost fell out of his chair because that was his philosophy exactly, and he was putting the company together (12 people so far). He’s the best boss I’ve ever had, it’s the best job I’ve ever had, and we all had so much fun.  Everyone pitched in in emergencies, we helped each other, no one was scared to ask questions or worried they weren’t good enough, and if I made a mistake, I told my boss, and he said ok, thanks for letting me know, if you need help fixing it just ask. (!!!!?)

I decided I wanted the same in my personal life. I can have trouble getting out and being social, and there have been times when I’ve moved and have had trouble finding a group of friends that were a good fit, including now.  My weight is up, and I started hanging around with people who are an odd mix about 6-7 years ago.

A year and a half ago, out of the blue, a guy from the group — someone I didn’t know very well, really — started calling me to chat.   He’s a few years younger than me and in great shape. I called another guy and asked if he knew why X was calling — nope. The calls became quite long and we laughed a lot.  He said to call him at work if I wanted to (?).  He asked me to meet him for lunch by the end of the week.  It turned out he’d had a crush on me for a year or 2, tripped over chairs to get a seat next to me when we all went out to eat, sometimes turned his car around to go somewhere when he’d just heard I would be there. I noticed none of this, I didn’t expect anyone to be interested in me.

It’s still going on. Life is complicated and he lives quite a distance away, we never have enough time to be together, but it’s great.  A few days ago he made me eat a bunch of vegetables at dinner, and he brings me fruit. He doesn’t care about my weight but knows I want to be healthier.  He just put me on a budget —“ok, that’s enough of this nonsense young lady!”-- and I felt like my dad was talking to me.  I do things like that for him too.

Stop worrying about your looks so much, and do what you can to be around people, ideally eventually a core group of (guys and girls) people where some extras show up occasionally. Yes it is hard if you don’t have a group. Go when you don’t feel like it or people stop asking you to come.
Make sure you and your clothes are clean! Wear things that fit you properly, not clothes that are too tight. Nice quality men’s clothes can always be found in thrift stores — often pretty expensive shirts in all styles and sizes that have barely been worn are hanging there.  Look online if you don’t know brands to look for, but usually when you touch it the fabric will feel much nicer than the usual. (Check out different places, find one that is clean, organized, and the bigger the better for a good selection.)

as they say, when you least expect it . . . .

Good luck!

(please don’t take it personally if it sound like I’m assuming anything about you, I just wrote about anything I could think of!)

[Carnatic]

34 minutes ago, Breadfruit said:

Maybe you’ll find this encouraging?  I’m 58 and have never married. I used to date a normal amount at the end of high school and in college/grad school, but started realizing that I was dating people who were worse and worse “fits” for me, staying with them to be seeing someone, etc.  I started thinking I needed to figure out what was wrong, why this was happening, and just concentrate on work etc.  I was about 35 then. I gained a lot of weight then. 8 years later I had worked on my weight but had a ways to go, and did a little online dating.  Some dates were awful — on one longer date, I didn’t just feel not attracted or indifferent — I started really disliking this rude, self-centered and unkind guy.  I thought who needs this? I’d rather be cleaning the bathroom. And by the way, my self esteem has always been low.

Going on a slight tangent here, but it will connect. Years before that bad date, I had gotten sick of working for/with nasty people who made my days miserable. At a job interview, when asked what I was looking for I was just totally candid.  I said I wanted to work with nice people and have interesting work. The man interviewing me almost fell out of his chair because that was his philosophy exactly, and he was putting the company together (12 people so far). He’s the best boss I’ve ever had, it’s the best job I’ve ever had, and we all had so much fun.  Everyone pitched in in emergencies, we helped each other, no one was scared to ask questions or worried they weren’t good enough, and if I made a mistake, I told my boss, and he said ok, thanks for letting me know, if you need help fixing it just ask. (!!!!?)

I decided I wanted the same in my personal life. I can have trouble getting out and being social, and there have been times when I’ve moved and have had trouble finding a group of friends that were a good fit, including now.  My weight is up, and I started hanging around with people who are an odd mix about 6-7 years ago.

A year and a half ago, out of the blue, a guy from the group — someone I didn’t know very well, really — started calling me to chat.   He’s a few years younger than me and in great shape. I called another guy and asked if he knew why X was calling — nope. The calls became quite long and we laughed a lot.  He said to call him at work if I wanted to (?).  He asked me to meet him for lunch by the end of the week.  It turned out he’d had a crush on me for a year or 2, tripped over chairs to get a seat next to me when we all went out to eat, sometimes turned his car around to go somewhere when he’d just heard I would be there. I noticed none of this, I didn’t expect anyone to be interested in me.

It’s still going on. Life is complicated and he lives quite a distance away, we never have enough time to be together, but it’s great.  A few days ago he made me eat a bunch of vegetables at dinner, and he brings me fruit. He doesn’t care about my weight but knows I want to be healthier.  He just put me on a budget —“ok, that’s enough of this nonsense young lady!”-- and I felt like my dad was talking to me.  I do things like that for him too.

Stop worrying about your looks so much, and do what you can to be around people, ideally eventually a core group of (guys and girls) people where some extras show up occasionally. Yes it is hard if you don’t have a group. Go when you don’t feel like it or people stop asking you to come.
Make sure you and your clothes are clean! Wear things that fit you properly, not clothes that are too tight. Nice quality men’s clothes can always be found in thrift stores — often pretty expensive shirts in all styles and sizes that have barely been worn are hanging there.  Look online if you don’t know brands to look for, but usually when you touch it the fabric will feel much nicer than the usual. (Check out different places, find one that is clean, organized, and the bigger the better for a good selection.)

as they say, when you least expect it . . . .

Good luck!

(please don’t take it personally if it sound like I’m assuming anything about you, I just wrote about anything I could think of!)

Thanks... and this is your first post, sounds like you'll fit in well here (well I'm only just back after a loooong hiatus from this site).

It's a nice positive story, I enjoyed reading it.

With clothes, I have this weird attitude that buying clothes that fit me now is like giving up that I will always be this weight... I have some lovely clothes from a few years back that I would like to wear again... also a couple of times where something bought for me didn't fit me but I couldn't get it exchanged for something in my size, so I kept it instead.

It's difficult to find nice clothes when you're big, charity shops never stock clothes in your size, it's too expensive for independent stores to stock much above XL and most big clothing stores only have my size in the 'generic slogan t-shirt and plain button shirt' sizes. Back when I was younger, I mentioned earlier, even when I was doing an intense level of exercise and eating healthy home-cooked meals I was still 'fat' but at least I was just at the upper end of the range where I could buy nice clothes. That's when I got all these clothes, I loved exploring places for things I felt went along with my image of myself. I long to be able to wear those again.

[Batya33]

On 8/28/2021 at 8:56 AM, Carnatic said:

Yeah being on holiday does mean that I'm missing exercise, although probably walking more so there's that. I'm more of an evening exercise person.. I used to do morning and I see the advantages of that, but then I found that mornings were harder to fit into my schedule... there were too many things, if I had an early start or somesuch that might cause me to miss a day or two, whereas I found it easier to make a routine of exercising before tea.

In case you're interested my routine is 30 minutes per day on my exercise bike and aim to walk 3.5 miles per day (the reason for that number is that's simply how long a walk it is into town and back) for at least 4 out of the 7 days each week.

That's great!  Whatever works - and doesn't it help you clear your head some?  And you know you can always use the time walking into town and back to check on all the flyers you posted looking for a girlfriend!!! 😉  Oh wait.... wrong poster. LOL

[Carnatic]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

That's great!  Whatever works - and doesn't it help you clear your head some?  And you know you can always use the time walking into town and back to check on all the flyers you posted looking for a girlfriend!!! 😉  Oh wait.... wrong poster. LOL

I think part of the problem with being on holiday... at least that I've found is that walking around a more 'happening' city full of young people and trendy bars and restaurants where the staff flash you looks that offer a painful hint of what it must be like to have appeal, and all just reminds me more of all the things I'm not... I've just been spending time with my parents this week, which is nice but I've been feeling depressed anyway (I don't think it's anything to do with being on holiday, or being with my parents, the two have just coincided), that and all the big glass shopfronts I keep catching sight of my reflection in... I'm sure I never get that back home.

[Pleasedonot5]

OP, glad to see you are walking and biking. That is great. 

There is no need to compare yourself to the "trendy" people at bars. They may be having fun that night but they each likely have problems of their own which you do not have to experience.

Regarding hating the way you look... I know the warm and fuzzy advice would be "love your appearance the way it is." But your appearance brings you pain. You are not Sisyphus: you can change the things about your situation which cause you suffering. So, a "grin and bear it" approach here would be reality-denying masochism, in my opinion. 

I find the opposite view more appropriate here. If you do not like the way you look right now, change the things about the way you look which you do not like, within reason. Get a nice new haircut, buy some new clothes and shoes. Keep on exercising. I am sure there are other things you can do, too. 

[Carnatic]

5 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

OP, glad to see you are walking and biking. That is great. 

There is no need to compare yourself to the "trendy" people at bars. They may be having fun that night but they each likely have problems of their own which you do not have to experience.

Regarding hating the way you look... I know the warm and fuzzy advice would be "love your appearance the way it is." But your appearance brings you pain. You are not Sisyphus: you can change the things about your situation which cause you suffering. So, a "grin and bear it" approach here would be reality-denying masochism, in my opinion. 

I find the opposite view more appropriate here. If you do not like the way you look right now, change the things about the way you look which you do not like, within reason. Get a nice new haircut, buy some new clothes and shoes. Keep on exercising. I am sure there are other things you can do, too. 

Thanks.

I know I shouldn't compare, it's not so much that I think they must have perfect lives and such, it's just the train of thoughts my own mind follows when I'm reminded of how I used to aspire to be, but now it's a bit late in my life for that to be a realistic aspiration.

A lot of the things I can change about my appearance, I'm putting behind losing weight in order of importance. Mainly because I feel like until then it would be pointless to make an decisions about how to have my hair, or buy any new clothes.

My hair grew long during lockdown, as was the case with many people, also I'm far too particular to go down the self-cut route. So now I'm going to hold off getting it cut until I can lose most of this weight, so I can start out by seeing what I look like with long hair not morbidly obese (i.e. Once my hair makes me look like someone other than meatloaf) and go from there.

Honestly though, I'm not hopeful that I can never look good enough to at least be visible to women.

[Pleasedonot5]

If you have a serious weight-loss goal, I understand putting off buying a ton of clothes until you reach that goal.

However, your justification for forgoing a decent haircut is not very compelling, if I may be blunt, OP. It is not pointless to make a jump from, say, 50% attractive to 60% attractive, just because you would not make it to 100% attractive with that one step.

Giving yourself a haircut (as I am doing today:D) is not for everyone, sure. But are barbers/salons/whatever you call them open where you live, OP? Or, do you have a friend or family member who is proficient at giving haircuts? 

Even if you want your hair to be long for now, you can at least have someone shape it up! 

 

[boltnrun]

And buy one snazzy shirt, at least!  There are websites by companies that sell larger size clothing for those people who don't want to wear a shapeless tent.

My son, for example, is a larger person.  He is also much taller than average and wears a much larger shoe size than average.  Most stores don't carry his size so he does do some online shopping.  Trust me, there are a lot of bigger people who want to be fashionable and they have created clothing for larger people who have style (or want to have it).

This site, for example, carries up to size 8XL.  And they have nice stuff!

Stylish Big Men's Clothing

[Carnatic]

6 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

If you have a serious weight-loss goal, I understand putting off buying a ton of clothes until you reach that goal.

However, your justification for forgoing a decent haircut is not very compelling, if I may be blunt, OP. It is not pointless to make a jump from, say, 50% attractive to 60% attractive, just because you would not make it to 100% attractive with that one step.

Giving yourself a haircut (as I am doing today:D) is not for everyone, sure. But are barbers/salons/whatever you call them open where you live, OP? Or, do you have a friend or family member who is proficient at giving haircuts? 

Even if you want your hair to be long for now, you can at least have someone shape it up! 

 

It's something I keep meaning to get round to doing. I need to visit my regular hairdresser though, in my home town where my parents still live, because I trust her not to just tune out while I'm talking and then give me 'generic guy cut #1'

[Pleasedonot5]

1 hour ago, Carnatic said:

It's something I keep meaning to get round to doing. I need to visit my regular hairdresser though, in my home town where my parents still live, because I trust her not to just tune out while I'm talking and then give me 'generic guy cut #1'

Great. It sounds like you should make an appointment (or plan to visit, if no appointment is necessary) this week?

[Fudgie]

Just wanted to add: it's very important to remember that most of the attractive people that you see, like everyone else, have their own struggles and put on their own brave faces. They may be fitter and fit into a more conventional ideal of beauty but that alone doesn't mean that they are happy, at peace, or that they have their s__t together.

A friend of mine I've known for years, she would be rated 9/10 or 10/10 on the "scale". Seriously, she's  head-turner and has been for a long time. Guys lust after her, I even saw a local CL post once that I was 99.9% sure was about her. 

I wouldn't want her life for myself. She has placed so much stock and value in her appearance and what other people think of her that the idea of aging gives her so much anxiety, it makes her feel sick. What will happen when *gasp* she is no longer a hot commodity. Sadly, I've seen this scenario play out in a number of attractive people who put a lot of their self worth and value into their looks, my mom being one of them. Thankfully, I did not inherit her fear of aging and physical effects of that.

I'm not saying there isn't value in making yourself look good physically but I think valuing it THAT much causes major issues, especially as one ages. For each attractive person you see on your trip, how many struggle with this? How many are too busy navel-gazing and worrying about how they appear in person/Instagram shots to actually enjoy a lot of their time out? Just something to think about.

 

I think you have gotten a lot of good advice so far and don't have much to add on that front. While undergoing positive change in your lifestyle is good, I would definitely caution you against pursuing or dating until you feel back to your baseline, given that you have undergone a med change.