Becoming left on the shelf

[Carnatic]

6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Could you read some articles online on how to do so? There's plenty of good advice. You can learn a few lines/ how to, but you also need to be yourself and like it. Also, you need to be ready to take no -and yes- for an answer.

If you don't start acting on all of what you've listed, don't be surprised if you come back to this forum 10 years later to write the same things.

But, I don't think that's why posted here. You just need to get the ball rolling.

I don't know, the whole thing just sounds really sketchy. Isn't that the world of pick up artists? Don't people just go out and meet people on the strength of their own personalities without needing to 'learn a few lines'?

[DarkCh0c0]

16 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

don't know, the whole thing just sounds really sketchy. Isn't that the world of pick up artists? Don't people just go out and meet people on the strength of their own personalities without needing to 'learn a few lines'?

A few lines are a start.. and by lines I mean " Hi, I'm -insert name-" ask about hers,mention she looks nice/compliment something you've noticed about her, and then see if she'd like a drink or to hang out later. By lines, I meant conversation starters to ease yourself in.

I'm not talking about cheesy lines or ones you watch on YouTube from non-sense pick up artists.

[Carnatic]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

A few lines are a start.. and by lines I mean " Hi, I'm -insert name-" ask about hers,mention she looks nice/compliment something you've noticed about her, and then see if she'd like a drink or to hang out later. By lines, I meant conversation starters to ease yourself in.

I'm not talking about cheesy lines or ones you watch on YouTube from non-sense pick up artists.

Thanks. I honestly don't know what I plan to do. Being in a relationship isn't everything and I've largely adjusted my life to accept that but the change to my meds has made me want to whine about it more than usual.

[Rose Mosse]

25 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

Thanks. I honestly don't know what I plan to do. Being in a relationship isn't everything and I've largely adjusted my life to accept that but the change to my meds has made me want to whine about it more than usual.

If this continues to affect your outlook in general, speak with your doctor about it. Keep a journal if it helps to track your emotions and how you're responding day to day.

[Carnatic]

12 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If this continues to affect your outlook in general, speak with your doctor about it. Keep a journal if it helps to track your emotions and how you're responding day to day.

Thanks... I think it might just be a normal part of me feeling strong emotions again. It's for a different discussion but while being on meds doesn't quite make you lose your emotions, it does make it too easy to push them aside (and who wouldn't just push their emotions aside at times and pretend they didn't feel them).

[Rose Mosse]

10 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

Thanks... I think it might just be a normal part of me feeling strong emotions again. It's for a different discussion but while being on meds doesn't quite make you lose your emotions, it does make it too easy to push them aside (and who wouldn't just push their emotions aside at times and pretend they didn't feel them).

It's good to let emotions out. I save it for friends and family, most definitely not for online dating or in the early stages of getting to know someone. I don't know about meds as you are meaning in this context. I have an antihistamines for seasonal allergies. Sometimes you may not know the effects of something until much later with a longer observation so I'd keep a journal and write in it one line a day documenting the effects of being off the meds or new meds. 

[boltnrun]

Are you overweight due to health issues? Or is it due to poor diet and lack of exercise?

I ask because unless it's a health issue (and I don't mean Type II diabetes, which can be improved or eliminated entirely with a healthy diet and exercise), weight is the one thing you can absolutely change.

I'm no beauty queen but I maintain a trim figure and make it a point to smile and say hello to people wherever I go (harder to show a smile with a mask on, but my eyes are smiling!). I have dated a lot (not recently but that's by choice) even though I'm not pretty. It's all about how you present yourself.

See if you can work on your weight and fitness level. When you see yourself getting more and more fit each week it will help your confidence a lot.

[Andrina]

In my twenties, I was interested in photography and signed up for a class to be taught all the skills like metering and panning and using various lenses. We went on outings to learn to take photos of things in motion like carousels, etc. I don't remember what the class was affiliated with or what kind of business license you would need as in instructor. Some high schools and colleges have extension classes where you don't earn credits and you don't need a teaching degree to teach artistic classes like oil painting, etc.

Just throwing this out there as something you might try to supplement your income with and to expand on meeting people. And I'm not saying to use this opportunity to ask a participant on a date. It's just that when you are meeting with numerous people and have a rapport with some, they might invite you to parties or other events where there may be single women. 

I know when I was in community college and a member of the ski club, one of the members had a Halloween party. There, I met a guy who crashed the party who I dated a few months. I was invited to another party by a friend in college, and so I invited my girl friend who ended up meeting a guy there and they were together several years.

You could actually even start your own Meetup group to have outings for photographing plants and wildlife or architecture, etc., and describe it as exchanging ideas and a sharing a passion for the hobby. Whether or not you want to make it for singles in a particular age range is even a possibility, depending on how you want to proceed.

I'm guessing you live in a constrictive comfort zone, and you're going to have to take some social risks and expand your horizons for your work life and your social life to emerge from the doldrums. Whenever you begin making excuses, stop yourself and think of alternatives that are a bit challenging and scary, but will pull you out of a rut. Good luck.

[Carnatic]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you overweight due to health issues? Or is it due to poor diet and lack of exercise?

I ask because unless it's a health issue (and I don't mean Type II diabetes, which can be improved or eliminated entirely with a healthy diet and exercise), weight is the one thing you can absolutely change.

I'm no beauty queen but I maintain a trim figure and make it a point to smile and say hello to people wherever I go (harder to show a smile with a mask on, but my eyes are smiling!). I have dated a lot (not recently but that's by choice) even though I'm not pretty. It's all about how you present yourself.

See if you can work on your weight and fitness level. When you see yourself getting more and more fit each week it will help your confidence a lot.

It's not a health issue, as I covered in an earlier post I just always have been to a greater or lesser degree overweight. I mentioned before a time, for about a year when I would walk miles each day and spent an hour in the gym five days a week while eating mostly simple meals from fresh ingredients (not actually calorie counting but no snacking or big indulgent dinners) and I was still morbidly obese throughout.

I do go through these spells and with lockdown ending I'm starting to go through one now and while there are rewards for being healthier, the fact that not being fat isn't one of these rewards is part of why I do lose motivation and stop looking after myself at times in my life.

It can be quite depressing when you're in one of these health kicks and yet still fat enough that people think you won't mind if they refer to you as 'big [insert name here]'

My dad is similar. He does go in for the whole calorie counting stuff and walks around ten miles a day in addition to getting regular exercise. He has a resting heart rate of 40' He's still 'fat' though, he still gets called 'big guy' and similar by folk who don't know him, and is still classed as morbidly obese.

[Fudgie]

I understand the med regimen bit. I've been on psychiatric meds for most of my life and while I've been on a stable regimen for years, I know how it feels to switch things up and I've had things go a little haywire for me in the past when I've had to get my medication adjusted.

I caution against you making any choices at this time, in terms of starting to date or otherwise, until you're in a more stable place emotionally and mentally. That's not to say that you shouldn't be posting or thinking about these , that's fine, but I would wait a bit before making MAJOR changes and/or attempting to date again. 

I will ask you this: what do you bring to the table in terms of dating/being in a relationship? You have mentioned a lot of things that you perceive as negative (plain, overweight, pedestrian) but nothing positive. What do you bring to a relationship?

[DarkCh0c0]

@Carnatic you've got great advice above. Have you tried therapy to uncover and overcome the reasons behind your lack of motivation?

[Carnatic]

5 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Carnatic you've got great advice above. Have you tried therapy to uncover and overcome the reasons behind your lack of motivation?

I have, it's one if those things,
like a healthy lifestyle, that I go through in spells. Not had any therapy yet though that doesn't just feel like a box ticking exercise where the goal is to decide that I no longer require therapy.

[Carnatic]

9 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

I will ask you this: what do you bring to the table in terms of dating/being in a relationship? You have mentioned a lot of things that you perceive as negative (plain, overweight, pedestrian) but nothing positive. What do you bring to a relationship?

Honestly I think my main problem is that I bring nothing to the table. Can't think of a thing unfortunately... and I've tried. I want to imagine that there is something but I feel forced to accept there is nothing.

Not everyone can have something about them that is positive right?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Carnatic said:

Thanks. I honestly don't know what I plan to do. Being in a relationship isn't everything and I've largely adjusted my life to accept that but the change to my meds has made me want to whine about it more than usual.

So I didn't post so you'd "remember me" and I gave you a suggestion you might have ignored.  I'll give you another.  When I was your age and for about 20 years prior to that one of my few major life goals was marriage and family.  So I was willing to be proactive, to become the right person to find the right person, to be out there and  treat it like a part time job when needed.  If you really don't want a long term relationship 110% don't bother. I found it really difficult to devote the time, keep my thick skin working, not feel jaded or negative (and I didn't).  To me it is basically "everything" and I respect that for many it isn't. 

And yes I was financially stable and independent and had a good job and an even better work ethic and expected the same of anyone I would consider marrying -temporary unemployment aside - I wanted to be a parent so it was even more important to have financial stability on both sides. And I didn't have time to waste cause of the biological clock.  

I've written many times here and again -if you don't want it really badly, from the bottom of your heart, with all your cells - if it's not one of your major life goals - don't bother.  It's not worth the downsides of time/aggravation/stress.  

[Fudgie]

3 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

Not everyone can have something about them that is positive right?

No, I don't buy that. Perfection is a fallacy as well. I don't think I've ever met a human being that didn't have at least one positive trait. Now, that doesn't mean that everyone will be able to see that trait(s) or deem them as important and I'm not saying that everyone is innately gifted in some way, like the titular characters in My Little Pony (sorry, my sister has been watching them in the background at the family home, have them on my mind lately, lol). However, each person can bring something(s) to the table.

Do you really feel that you have no positive traits? If so, then why do you feel that a relationship will work out? Let's assume that your way of thinking is right here (I doubt it but play along), then put yourself into the woman's shoes. What would draw her to you and why would she want to stay? 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

Honestly I think my main problem is that I bring nothing to the table. Can't think of a thing unfortunately... and I've tried. I want to imagine that there is something but I feel forced to accept there is nothing.

Not everyone can have something about them that is positive right?

Everyone does with very rare exception (meaning someone who is evil to the core).  Everyone.  It doesn't mean that positive aspect will be viewed as such by everyone or even most people. 

 

I knew a boy/man who I saw for the last time when he was 26 and I was 38.  He was an inlaw's son - my sister's then inlaws, I was single.  He had a terminal disorder -basically in layman's terms he had half a brain (this is how his mother described his condition).  He was born that way and I'd known him his whole life.  Feeding tube, 24/7 care, grunted some, sometimes looked in my direction or someone's direction.  He wasn't supposed to live to that age and his disorder was extremely rare. 

And.  Especially that day I spent about an hour in the same room with him.  I had work to do and he was just sort of laying there, resting.  Beautiful face.  And I felt that he brought a lot of positive to the table.  You could just see his innate goodness, can't describe it better.  He was looking at me some and that warmed my heart.  He seemed at peace.  Yes I know that is partially because of his disorder -he was at the stage of an infant -but yes, peace.  I spoke to him on and off knowing he couldn't respond or understand a thing but he motivated me to interact with him.  That's what positive means.  

 He passed away a few years later and I always remembered that particular day.  I know of many people who have good hearts and good intentions and mean well.  That's positive.  Who cares if in addition they are smart, have a good sense of humor, have a job, an education -you said "not everyone has something positive" -I beg to differ.  If you look for the positive in someone you will find it almost every time -it might not be your cup of tea.  But doesn't make it less positive.  

[Carnatic]

20 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

No, I don't buy that. Perfection is a fallacy as well. I don't think I've ever met a human being that didn't have at least one positive trait. Now, that doesn't mean that everyone will be able to see that trait(s) or deem them as important and I'm not saying that everyone is innately gifted in some way, like the titular characters in My Little Pony (sorry, my sister has been watching them in the background at the family home, have them on my mind lately, lol). However, each person can bring something(s) to the table.

Do you really feel that you have no positive traits? If so, then why do you feel that a relationship will work out? Let's assume that your way of thinking is right here (I doubt it but play along), then put yourself into the woman's shoes. What would draw her to you and why would she want to stay? 

I really don't know how to answer that... I'll have a think. I did actually say something nice about myself in my opening post. So there's that. As I've grown older I've become more confident in my sense of right and wrong. I've seen bigotry and hatred wear enough different costumes now and target enough different marginalised groups of people but always follow the same patterns that I feel I've become quite adept at calling it out, and if necessary shouting it down and backing its disciples into corners whereby they reveal themselves, and quite resistant to its attempts to lure me in with the whole 'but you can blame someone else for your problems'.

I don't think that's necessarily an attractive trait though. Not without being accompanied by other more 'exciting' traits at least. Its not the sort of thing that makes a woman's heart beat faster and depending on someone's own perspective they may just view me as a tiresome old social justice warrior.

[boltnrun]

Have you talked to your doctor about your weight issues?  If you're eating a healthy amount of healthy foods and walking regularly and still are "morbidly obese" there could be an underlying health issue

I can tell you, I have hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid) and that condition typically makes it close to impossible to lose weight.  It also makes you feel lethargic, apathetic and even depressed.  Once I got on medication it really helped a lot.  Many people don't even know they have this disease, but once they get the simple blood test and get on medication it's literally life-changing.

[Carnatic]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Have you talked to your doctor about your weight issues?  If you're eating a healthy amount of healthy foods and walking regularly and still are "morbidly obese" there could be an underlying health issue

I can tell you, I have hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid) and that condition typically makes it close to impossible to lose weight.  It also makes you feel lethargic, apathetic and even depressed.  Once I got on medication it really helped a lot.  Many people don't even know they have this disease, but once they get the simple blood test and get on medication it's literally life-changing.

I've never really thought of it as an issue beyond just being 'fat' and I guess you must have dealt with people's judgements yourself, since society doesn't like it when people who are overweight seek answers beyond (eat too much, exercise too little) for their weight. My ex had PCOS and I have a current friend with it too so I know these conditions exist, but I'm not strong enough to contend with the judgement that comes with such a thing.

[boltnrun]

I actually don't have the weight issues to the same extent as most people with hypothyroidism.  I saw my doctor because I felt unwell.  I'm not sure what prompted her to test my thyroid because at the time I was about 130 pounds, but she found it all right.  It was way off the charts low.  So now I'm on medication.

The health benefits go beyond weight, though.  Low thyroid leads to mood and emotional issues as well as feeling constantly fatigued (mentally and physically).

I advise you to see your doctor and ask for a blood workup.  It could be such a simple solution and you don't even know it.

[Batya33]

I didn’t date men who were obese with one exception.  Most of the reason was due to health concerns - in my case most typically the person had health issue and led an unhealthy lifestyle.  I also wasn’t particularly romantically attracted to obese men. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I didn’t date men who were obese with one exception.  Most of the reason was due to health concerns - in my case most typically the person had health issue and led an unhealthy lifestyle.  I also wasn’t particularly romantically attracted to obese men. 

Actually, one man I met was what I presume would be called "obese", but holy cow was he sexy!  He was intelligent and well spoken and he had the most beautiful eyes.  I didn't care at all about his weight.

I actually am usually not attracted to extremely thin men.  But again, my friend's husband blew me away with his intelligence and his wit.  He was skinny and very hairy and had long hair (normally 3 "no's" for me) but wow, that guy was something else.

So, there's someone for everyone and like they say, a lid for every pot.  It's just hard to find the right lid, especially if you don't believe your pot deserves a lid.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Actually, one man I met was what I presume would be called "obese", but holy cow was he sexy!  He was intelligent and well spoken and he had the most beautiful eyes.  I didn't care at all about his weight.

I actually am usually not attracted to extremely thin men.  But again, my friend's husband blew me away with his intelligence and his wit.  He was skinny and very hairy and had long hair (normally 3 "no's" for me) but wow, that guy was something else.

So, there's someone for everyone and like they say, a lid for every pot.  It's just hard to find the right lid, especially if you don't believe your pot deserves a lid.

Yes.  I had one exception too.  He was extremely overweight and yet….   Yes. I love the lid and pot analogy. For example I was always more attracted to men who are shorter than average. Which is a bit unusual.  I married one!

[equinax]

left on the shelf? please. tomorrow. promise me you do the following. take a shower. drink a pint of pure fruit juice. take 1000mg of vitamin D. rent and watch limitless then 'yes man' and download and read the book 'the secret.' you are your energy my friend and i promise you after a bump start you can visualise happiness. best of luck xx 

[Fudgie]

2 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I really don't know how to answer that... I'll have a think. I did actually say something nice about myself in my opening post. So there's that. As I've grown older I've become more confident in my sense of right and wrong. I've seen bigotry and hatred wear enough different costumes now and target enough different marginalised groups of people but always follow the same patterns that I feel I've become quite adept at calling it out, and if necessary shouting it down and backing its disciples into corners whereby they reveal themselves, and quite resistant to its attempts to lure me in with the whole 'but you can blame someone else for your problems'.

I don't think that's necessarily an attractive trait though. Not without being accompanied by other more 'exciting' traits at least. Its not the sort of thing that makes a woman's heart beat faster and depending on someone's own perspective they may just view me as a tiresome old social justice warrior.

Yes, have a think about it. And you're right, you did say something nice about yourself in your OP. It's a good trait to be able to discern between right & wrong. It also sounds like you have a good bulls__t detector, which is another plus. Given your relative age and the fact that you've been alone for a while, you'd be prime fodder for incel recruitment if you didn't have that dectection. I think the SJW may or may not be an attractive thing, depends on the woman. 

Notice that I said good traits, not attractive. This is because "good" doesn't always = attractive and depending on how conventional you are, you may not appeal to everyone. And that's okay. Having a couple crummy Tinder dates doesn't really tell you anything because the truth is, the vast majority of people are not for any one person. If your goal is to find a real connection, then you're going to wade through a lot of muck.

But really, have a think about it: what do you bring to the table? And why do you want to find someone now? Why now?