How do I (24F) get over someone (26M) who ended things because of life circumstances?

[alizajm]

He ended things w me because in the two months that we had been dating his dad died, his 9 year old daughter asked to spend more time with him, he lost his old job and got one that required more hours, his ex found out she might be pregnant with his kid (though I believe shes not keeping it, and something that he hasnt disclosed happened with his mom who is a recovering addict, and he said "his life is crazy and different now" and to please move on, though it sucks his hands are tied. We moved very quickly into the relationship, he met my family, told me he loved me, we planned a future together and talked everyday. All of the sudden stuff hit the fan, he felt bad he couldnt be a good boyfriend and I was willing (though struggling) to stick around and support where I could, despite being his last priority. I am struggling to move forward.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, alizajm said:

in the two months that we had been dating his dad died, his 9 year old daughter asked to spend more time with him, he lost his old job and got one that required more hours, his ex found out she might be pregnant with his kid 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he's still with his ex. It's best to cut your losses. After 8 weeks this is too much chaos.

[Batya33]

I think he does have time for a relationship he wants to be in and that is with his ex.  Is his ex also the mother of his 9 year old daughter? Many new relationships seem perfect and exciting.  You chose a single dad who became a dad when he was a teenager which at your age is a lot to take on.  Many people have life take crazy turns right when they meet someone and they don't run away.  They turn to their new partner for support, knowing that while that person maybe cannot be top priority right then this too shall pass. 

My friend met her future husband through an online site weeks before her mother died of cancer.  He came to her home every night for a week of gatherings of friends and family and asked nothing of her knowing she needed her space.  But he showed up.  And that's how she knew he really could be the one.  This guy could have told you that he might need to take more space and time for awhile because of all his family issues and grieving but instead he sees his life as so "different" that he doesn't want you in it.  I think you dodged a bullet and I'm sorry you are disappointed!

[Capricorn3]

Way way too much drama and chaos for only 2 months. Way too much. I understand you're hurting but seriously, you dodged a bullet here.  You really don't need to put your whole life on hold for such a mess. Move forward to a better future.

[Cherylyn]

You get over it by having compassion, forgiveness and including him and his family in your daily or nightly prayers.  You get over it by removing yourself from his equation and realizing that he has overwhelming and insurmountable problems which causes him to have  absolutely zero brain space for you.  You get over it by knowing that whenever people's lives are filled with tumult and angst, the best thing you can do is give them all the time and space they need even if it's permanent. 

Even though my story is different than your ex's, there was a period when my father died when I was a teenager.  I had to go to work to financially support my widowed mother and younger siblings, despised my full time night shift job, despised my co-workers, was on a full time daytime college schedule and I truly didn't have any time nor energy to devote to others.  I had a priority shift and unfortunately, I put many friendships on pause for several years.  Forget a relationship.  Food on the table and a roof over my family's heads came first and foremost!  I look back on that era as the worst time of my life.  Granted, I eventually recovered, however, I gave myself valid excuses for putting bread 'n butter above all else.  Relief didn't arrive until years later.  (I eventually married, have two amazing sons and a stable life in the suburbs.) 

I've noticed that usually, the happiest, smoothest relationships tend to have the least problems.  Economics and health are sound, personalities and characters are compatible, values are on the same page and everyone desires light to non-existent troubles or so I've noticed.  Whenever there is upheaval of any sort, relationships are the first to deteriorate rapidly.  It's universal. 

Change the way you think and this will all make sense to you.  When you become analytical and perceptive, you won't take his desertion as a personal affront.  It's not about you.  It's him.  He's drowning in stress and his personal problems. 

[melancholy123]

Too much drama and too many problems.  Two months in, you need to move on.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, alizajm said:

his ex found out she might be pregnant with his kid (though I believe shes not keeping it,

So that means they have been sexually active together recently - possibly when you two were already dating. Big red flag right there. 

11 hours ago, alizajm said:

he felt bad he couldnt be a good boyfriend and I was willing (though struggling) to stick around and support where I could

No, girl. This is way too much for such a short relationship, and not a burden you should volunteer to take on. 

Moving so fast was a warning sign in and of itself, but add in all these other serious stressors? This is not your guy. It is going to be best to cut all contact with him. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I had a priority shift and unfortunately, I put many friendships on pause for several years.  Forget a relationship. 

So I'm going to say this in-artfully but hope it comes across the right way.  So the difference here is, in your case my sense is that you treated your priority shift and pausing in an no drama or at least low drama way - you recognized your life situation and priorities, and it sounds like you didn't even try to enter a serious relationship once things started -for lack of a better word - crumbling.  (Now of course friendships can be very serious but a close platonic friend by definition will "get it' if your life situation changes so dramatically and will totally get the "pause" and be supportive from a distance or however you need). 

You shifted (no I'll avoid pivoted, so tired of that word) with as much respect and maturity as you could.  By contrast I smell a rat in the OP's situation and would tell her that even if he moves on from his drama (some of which is self-created since he apparently kept having intercourse with his ex) he's not a person who's a good bet for a second chance.  Where in what you described hopefully you were able to reconnect with people later given how you paused.

[alizajm]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

So I'm going to say this in-artfully but hope it comes across the right way.  So the difference here is, in your case my sense is that you treated your priority shift and pausing in an no drama or at least low drama way - you recognized your life situation and priorities, and it sounds like you didn't even try to enter a serious relationship once things started -for lack of a better word - crumbling.  (Now of course friendships can be very serious but a close platonic friend by definition will "get it' if your life situation changes so dramatically and will totally get the "pause" and be supportive from a distance or however you need). 

You shifted (no I'll avoid pivoted, so tired of that word) with as much respect and maturity as you could.  By contrast I smell a rat in the OP's situation and would tell her that even if he moves on from his drama (some of which is self-created since he apparently kept having intercourse with his ex) he's not a person who's a good bet for a second chance.  Where in what you described hopefully you were able to reconnect with people later given how you paused.

 

yeah, the new baby was really a pivotal point for me where I had a breakdown… Only because the timeline told me that he and his ex had been sexually active until right before me and him met. He was always very adamant about saying that he wanted to make sure I had no other ties to anyone else as we progressed in our relationship, and I asked for the same. He hated his ex from the way he described her, and was constantly saying he hoped she wouldn’t have his kid while promising to keep me in the loop about the situation. but after finding out that information, our relationship Took a turn and it was hard for me to be physically intimate with him for a week or so because I felt put off. his life really started crumbling a month into a relationship but at that point we had already gotten so seriously involved with each other that I felt the need to stick around. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, alizajm said:

but at that point we had already gotten so seriously involved with each other that I felt the need to stick around. 

I don't relate to that thinking at all - why did you "need" to stick around with a new boyfriend who had all this drama? What do you mean by "need?" You have no idea of the timeline -he might have been sexually active with her right after too -before you were exclusive. And apparently without using protection or effective protection. I can see continuing for a short time to be there to help a human being going through a crisis -not romantically but agreeing to make good on promises to drive him to a doctor, or get him food or supplies just like any human being.  But need to keep being romantically involved just because things seemed serious very early on? That's not taking care of you.  I'd explore why you felt this "need".

[Fudgie]

1 hour ago, alizajm said:

1.) the timeline told me that he and his ex had been sexually active until right before me and him met.

2.) He was always very adamant about saying that he wanted to make sure I had no other ties to anyone else as we progressed in our relationship, and I asked for the same.

3.) but after finding out that information, our relationship Took a turn and it was hard for me to be physically intimate with him for a week or so because I felt put off.

4.) but at that point we had already gotten so seriously involved with each other that I felt the need to stick around. 

Okay, so many things to address here, I have bolded 4 different parts of your post.

1 - Yes, that is what the timeline suggests. He rolled out of his ex's bed and into your arms which conflicts with the next point...

2 - Awfully contradictory of him to insist that you have no ties to anyone else, meanwhile he has a child with another woman and just got done banging her (without protection) before meeting you. This reeks of double standards. He is fine to have ties to ex (obviously needed, as he has a child so yes, the babymama is in his life) and can screw her before meeting you, but you, you need to be completely severed.

3 - Question: is it possible that after he found out this information, he began to reconsider the relationship with you and considered going back to babymama now that baby #2 is on the way? This happens more than you think.

4 - This is called "sunk cost fallacy". It's a logical error in which you think that you've put in enough time/effort/love/money/etc. into something, so you may as well see it through or else "it's all for nothing". No. You are 2 months into a relationship with a guy who has 2 kids (one out of the womb, another in the oven baking) with a drug-addled babymama. You had sex and developed feelings. That doesn't mean that you "have" to stick around. You're under no obligation to him other than being honest/respectful. Being in a relationship does not mean "til death do us part". 

You're 24 years old, the world is your oyster. You can do better than this. 

[alizajm]

this ex who may be pregnant is a different ex than the one who’s the mother to his 9 year old. that’s why I really broke down because it was just another woman to have to coexist with in his life. I struggle with self esteem and have convinced myself that because he treated me well and was honest with his life circumstances that that was good enough. i’ve been in way worse relationships so to me this felt like an improvement but the baggage he brought was tearing me down even more than I thought. The fact someone wanted to be in my life and be with ME felt good, but I made it clear to him towards the end that I needed a little more from the relationship than what I was getting and he clearly felt he couldn’t live up to those expectations. 

[boltnrun]

If this is your best relationship, think about why you keep choosing such poor partners.

He was either still having unprotected sex with her while you two were allegedly together or he went straight from having her in his bed (or being in her bed) to having you in his bed (or in yours). How is this a quality individual? Whether she has the baby or not, he's a bed hopper.

Please don't try to justify staying in this relationship. I can assure you it will not improve your self esteem.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, alizajm said:

this ex who may be pregnant is a different ex than the one who’s the mother to his 9 year old. that’s why I really broke down because it was just another woman to have to coexist with in his life. I struggle with self esteem and have convinced myself that because he treated me well and was honest with his life circumstances that that was good enough. i’ve been in way worse relationships so to me this felt like an improvement but the baggage he brought was tearing me down even more than I thought. The fact someone wanted to be in my life and be with ME felt good, but I made it clear to him towards the end that I needed a little more from the relationship than what I was getting and he clearly felt he couldn’t live up to those expectations. 

This is very eye-opening and you're aware. Break up with this man as you will continue to be low priority. You have a pattern of staying in unfulfilling relationships and not ever moving past that or breaking out of that pattern.  

[Fudgie]

Ok, I wasn't aware this is a new woman, not the original babymama. Either way, my statements still stand. He's in his mid 20s and has knocked up not one but two women - why are you signing up for this drama fest?

How were your past relationships worse than this? 

 

[Cherylyn]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So I'm going to say this in-artfully but hope it comes across the right way.  So the difference here is, in your case my sense is that you treated your priority shift and pausing in an no drama or at least low drama way - you recognized your life situation and priorities, and it sounds like you didn't even try to enter a serious relationship once things started -for lack of a better word - crumbling.  (Now of course friendships can be very serious but a close platonic friend by definition will "get it' if your life situation changes so dramatically and will totally get the "pause" and be supportive from a distance or however you need). 

You shifted (no I'll avoid pivoted, so tired of that word) with as much respect and maturity as you could.  By contrast I smell a rat in the OP's situation and would tell her that even if he moves on from his drama (some of which is self-created since he apparently kept having intercourse with his ex) he's not a person who's a good bet for a second chance.  Where in what you described hopefully you were able to reconnect with people later given how you paused.

During the worst years of my life, my father suddenly died and left my mother as a young widow with young children to support.  She worked full time as did I with my 40 hour per week night shift job and we were crazy busy.  I despised my colleagues.  Between full time enrollment in college by day and full time night shift employment, I really and truly didn't have any time, energy nor brain space for anyone else.  I didn't even have the time nor luxury to indulgently weep after my father's death.  Life moved on and there were survival expenses to pay.  As a young girl, I was too preoccupied with putting food on the table.  I had to grow up very fast.  On weekends, I was beyond exhausted and even then there was no such thing as rest with household duties, siblings to tend to, errands, paying bills (before the Internet) and then the dreaded grind started all over again on Monday. 

I resumed my friendships once life had settled down, finances were in order, education was finished and my career was on the fast track.  I had the time of my life.  When I met and married my husband, , we both created a great life together and eventually raised a family.  Life was grand, I had more time and brain space for socializing and picking up right where I left off. 

Yes, I was able to reconnect. 

[alizajm]

10 hours ago, Fudgie said:

Ok, I wasn't aware this is a new woman, not the original babymama. Either way, my statements still stand. He's in his mid 20s and has knocked up not one but two women - why are you signing up for this drama fest?

How were your past relationships worse than this? 

 

well, my past relationships were typically abusive. Emotional abuse was the majority, however physical abuse came with certain people. I feel like im making myself out to be a sob story. I dont want to be that . This situation has been difficult but all of the advice ive been given is incredibly helpful and has moved me to adjust and reflect on my perspective. However low self esteem, to me at least, doesnt come out of nowhere.... it develops throughout childhood and adolescence. I know what is harmful to me yet I pursue it because its familiar. My biggest issue beyond my view of myself, is interacting beyond my comfort zone... which is difficult, but I know achievable if I put in the effort. I need to move forward without the comfort of knowing someone "wants" me. Its useless, and not reliable.

[alizajm]

36 minutes ago, alizajm said:

 

 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, alizajm said:

.... it develops throughout childhood and adolescence. I know what is harmful to me yet I pursue it because its familiar. 

The best place to start is therapy so you can start thinking clearly and replace negative thoughts and behaviors with more realistic and productive thoughts and behaviors.

For example you're deliberately seeking out drama and lying to yourself about repeating some childhood script. 

An evaluation from a physician for depression and anxiety and related health issues is a good place to start. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Pop psychology and trendy theories won't help you with the real issues you are facing. You lack insight and a therapist can help you with that.

[alizajm]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The best place to start is therapy so you can start thinking clearly and replace negative thoughts and behaviors with more realistic and productive thoughts and behaviors.

For example you're deliberately seeking out drama and lying to yourself about repeating some childhood script. 

An evaluation from a physician for depression and anxiety and related health issues is a good place to start. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Pop psychology and trendy theories won't help you with the real issues you are facing. You lack insight and a therapist can help you with that.

I thank you for your input. Therapy is expensive. I have just started with a new one though I dont know how long I can afford it. Ive already been diagnosed w depression n anxiety. Saying I lack insight kinda sucks to hear, though I see where youre coming from given the info I shared, thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, it's utmost appreciated,