Want my ex gf back - complicated situation

[MB89]

My girlfriend of 4 years dumped me 5 weeks ago. 

When we met she had recently gotten out of a long relationship with a guy she was engaged with. He cheated on her and she dumped him. 3 months after dumping him she met me (I was probably a rebound). I fell in love with her after the first date and I pursued her relentlessly for 5 months until she finally told me that she loved me and we officially became a couple. After 7 months of dating we moved in together in a rented apartment. About a year after that we bought and apartment together, where we still live.

She is kind, compassionate, adventerous, spontaneous and she never judges anyone. My family and friends all love her and her family really likes me. 

She has had a very tough life. She lost her parents 10 years ago, lost contact with her brother, moved to my country with her ex who cheated on her, struggled with finding a stable work situation and learning a new language. I did everything I could to give her the best life possible with the means I had. I am not a rich and powerful man who could just fix all her problems for her, but I did the best I could to help her find a job, to support her financially, to help her learn the language, to help her with her studies (she took classes at the university for a year until this summer) and treat her well.

During corona and the ensuing lockdowns she was temporarily laid off. This, plus everything else she has gone through in her life, made her severly depressed. She didn't tell me about her depression until after a few months and I guess I was too blind to see it. At the same time I was busting my ass at work to get a promotion and a pay raise, which I succeeded in doing. She felt neglected during this time and felt like she was spending a lot of time alone while I was busy. I understand where she is coming from and I absolutely regret not being there more for her emotiotionally, but the reason I was working so hard was because I wanted to lay the foundation for a good future for us. But, I admit I became obsessed with it.

In June of this year she told me that she doesn't love me romantically anymore. So, I started overcompensating and doing even more for her to make her happy and stay with me. This lasted for about a month until she again told me she doesn't love me anymore and that we shouldn't be together. I broke down, we both cried a lot, I begged and pleaded. She stayed over at a friends place for two days before she came back. We continued living together for a week until she left for holiday for 3 weeks to her home country. The day before she left I read her a long letter where I pured everything out to her. The same day she left I gave her a card where I poured everything out again and asked her not to give up on us. But, she just said the same.

While she was away on holiday we kept LC. She would send me some pictures on snapchat and we would occasionally text just to see how the other is doing. I was a complete mess. I couldn't sleep or eat properly, I was severely depressed, I cried a lot, I abused benzodiazepines for a week and suffered short term withdrawals. The withdrawals were so bad one day that they made me suicidal to the point where I planned to kill myself and wrote a suicide letter. 

She came back from holiday two weeks ago. We still live together because none of us can afford to buy the other person out and property prices are down now so we would most likely lose ,oney by selling and struggle to buy a new place.

We are friendly with each other, but she is going from hot to cold almost daily. One day she is warm and kind and calls me by my pet name, and the next day she is cold and distant. I am keeping my cool and treating her with kindness and respect and I am supporting her and trying to be there for her emotionally when I see that she is having a bad day. But, I am dealing with constant anxiety and regular panic attacks. However, I am not letting her see this.

the way I see it the main problem with our relationship has been communication. We were never good at communication honestly about our differences and talking to the point where we would reach a conclusion or solve our issues. This created a wedge between us and she got the idea that we are two completely different people and that caused her to want to end the relationship. She believes we want different things in life and that we don't have much in common. But, I know that this is not true. I have done a lot of soul searching these past 5 weeks and realized what I truly want in my life. And I know that she wants the same based on what she has told me before. But, when I have said this to her she simply doesn't believe and it feels like I am talking to a wall.

Does anyone have any tips and advice to what I can do? I have never loved anyone like this before and I truly want to be with her for the rest of my life. We ere happy for the first 3 years of our relationship and I know that we can be happy again. I am also certain that her depression has played a part in this as well.

 

[SooSad33]

I'm sorry, but I don't feel you can be happy again.

Sounds like you are both struggling with your mental health... in which case s a good idea to look for some professional help to work through your struggles.

Is common to fall back and lean on something to help us 'cope' with rough times... BUT you do not want to remain there.

I feel she's emotionally withdrawn from her relationship & feelings for you.

Sadly, we cannot make someone 'love' us. 😕 .  if it's gone, it's gone.

It is very hard, I know.. been there a few times. And yes, therapy did me well, as well as something for anxiety ( was on it for a cpl of years.. weaned off it then dr put me on a 'mood stablizer'.... I am much better now.  But it is a process.

I think it is best to consider selling what you've bought.. and her to find her own place. ( she went to a friends for a while?).

What about her family she went away to visit?  Would she ever consider moving back there?

Either way, is time to work on accepting this is just falling apart.... and IF she is at all willing to try , it would be a good idea for you two to attend couple's therapy, so ask her if she is willing to do that. ( because this hot & cold is showing clear signs on uncertainty).

Like I said, it hurts, yes, but we can't make someone love us, if they've fallen out.

it's all a process to work on accepting & healing.  This is how things go when we get involved.. Sadly, does not always work out.

 

[MissCanuck]

I think this one is done, OP.

It sounds like she's trying to let you down easily because in her mind, it will hurt more to say "I'm not in love with you anymore." You have tried to get her to see your side but she just doesn't feel the same way. Whatever you feel the cause of this might be, she has been clear that it's not what she wants any longer. You can't make someone have feelings they just don't have, unfortunately. 

It hurts a lot but sometimes we have to accept the other person's decision. Is there somewhere else you could stay temporarily, just to give yourself some space from her? With a friend or family member? As far as possible, you two need to spend as little time under the same roof as possible.

Also, if you have turned to drugs and have suffered suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and anxiety - please seek help. This is a very troubling reaction to the pain your're feeling and a compassionate professional can help you cope with these feelings. 

[Wiseman2]

Replied in your identical thread:

 

[MB89]

I abused the pills for about a week, but I quit after going through the withdrawals. I haven't touched them in 2 weeks now. Also, I haven't showed her the suicide letter or told her anything about what I have been going through.

We were happy for the first 3 years of our relationship, but while she was going through her depression she started becoming more distant and acting more cold towards me. This went on for months before she finally ended it with me. For the last 4 months before ending it she was going to therapy to get help, however she also discussed me and our relationship with her therapist. Basically, going to couples therapy by herself and not including me in it.

We talked, and cried, for about 2 hours the day she ended it. She gave me her opinion of in what way we are so different, but I just couldn't understand it. I even gave her examples of all the things we do have in common and how we have shared those things together, but she just doesn't see it. It's like she sees something completely different than I do. For example: she told me that she doesn't feel that I take care of her, yet I have been supporting her financially during the entire covid pandemic, I have been helping her find a job, I have been helping her learning the language, I helped her with school, I took her out on dates on a regular basis, bought her flowers, called her everyday from work just to see how she is doing, made her coffee in bed every morning and other things. How can she claim that  I don't take care of her??

Of course, I am not perfect in any way. Due to problems in my upbringing as well as my adult life, I have always had problems dealing with difficult emotions and opening up to myself and others about this. Showing her love was easy, but dealing with the bad stuff has never been my strong side. Of course we have had arguments, but never anything really serious. I tried to support her and motivate her during her depression, but many times this ended with me becoming frustrated and we would end up arguing or me critisizing something she was doing.

We are basically roommates now. I love her to death and I have realized my shortcomings and what I truly want in life. I want to be with her, get married and start a family. I know she also wants this, but when I have told her this she doesn't believe me.

My friends, and my therapist, all say that I should tell her how I feel and what I have been going through these past 5 weeks. But, I don't see what this will accomplish? The day she went on holiday I told her everything and poured my heart out. Surely, she doesn't think I have moved on and don't lover anymore?

[MissCanuck]

Any chance she has met someone else?

[DarkCh0c0]

@MB89 maybe you are simply drifting apart. She realized she wants/ values different things in life, and that's it. Perhaps her depression showed her that this isn't what she really wants for her future, you included (unfortunately).

So, you can't force her into being with you. You have to accept the situation as is and work on taking care of yourself. You also need to give both of you space. I'm not sure telling her how you've been the last 5 weeks will indeed change anything. She's already one foot or of the door.

As others have suggested, try not to stay under the same roof and do figure out this housing solution quickly. I'm sorry, but this is how it is. Be a man and respect her decision. There's nothing more you can do for now.

[DarkCh0c0]

10 hours ago, MB89 said:

She didn't tell me about her depression until after a few months and I guess I was too blind

How come you weren't aware of her depression before? For months? Were you not checking on each other? Talking? Hanging out?

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, MB89 said:

 I going to couples therapy by herself and not including me in it.

 me critisizing something she was doing.

My friends, and my therapist, all say that I should tell her how I feel and what I have been going through these past 5 weeks.

She is in individual therapy taking care of herself. It's not "couples therapy".

You have already told her verbally with letters, cards, etc. how you feel. 

To the point of emotion dumping and beating her to death with your feelings. Stop it.

You don't get addicted to benzodiazipines in a week.

There's a lot missing from your story. 

You make yourself out as a perfect prince and she just won't appreciate it.

You also make her out to be depressed and severely defective, yet you're the one abusing medications and writing suicide notes and bombarding her with emotionally charged one-sided letters and other nonsense.

Your therapist sounds lazy and incompetent if they are telling you to dump on her even more rather than do their job listening to you and helping you.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How come you weren't aware of her depression before? For months? Were you not checking on each other? Talking? Hanging out?

I find that a bit strange, too. 

You were living together, OP. How did you not notice that she was quite depressed? 

[MB89]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She is in individual therapy taking care of herself. It's not "couples therapy".

You have already told her verbally with letters, cards, etc. how you feel. 

To the point of emotion dumping and beating her to death with your feelings. Stop it.

You don't get addicted to benzodiazipines in a week.

There's a lot missing from your story. 

You make yourself out as a perfect prince and she just won't appreciate it.

You also make her out to be depressed and severely defective, yet you're the one abusing medications and writing suicide notes and bombarding her with emotionally charged one-sided letters and other nonsense.

Your therapist sounds lazy and incompetent if they are telling you to dump on her even more rather than do their job listening to you and helping you.

Yes, she went to individual therapy to heal herself, and I am very glad she did. But, I wish she had informed me about the issues she saw in our relationship so that we could have gone to couples therapy and worked on fixing them.

Of course I told her how I feel, this is a normal thing to do in a situation like this, and I did all of it in the days after the break up.

I never said I got addicted, obviously, seeing as how I haven't taken them in two weeks. But, when you take higher doses daily for several days in a row you can experience short term withdrawal, which is what happened to me. 

In my last post I openly admitted that I am not perfect, no one is, and I explained my faults and shortcomings. But, I did the best I could to take care of her and make her happy.

I am not making her out to be depressed, she told me herself that she was and I think she still might be. I know her well and I can see when her mood changes. I have been depressed myself and I feel myself slipping back into it again.

I agree on the therapist.

[MB89]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I find that a bit strange, too. 

You were living together, OP. How did you not notice that she was quite depressed? 

She had told me that she was feeling down because of being temporarily laid off and not being able to travel to see her family. I tried to cheer her up and motivate her to get out of the house and do things with me and her friends. Her mood would go up and down and some days she would be happy and want to do things, and other days were the complete opposite. But, feeling down is very different than actual depression.

[SherrySher]

I'm not trying to upset you, just being honest with you, but this is over, OP.

This is why it's never a good idea to take for granted what you have.

If you have someone to love, appreciate them, every single day. Make a point of telling them "I love you", try to spend time with them at some point during the day, remind them what they mean to you by sending special texts or love notes, little surprises, etc.

But out of all of those things, the most important is to spend time with them.

I know you had your reasons and at the time you justified them, but during this process, you lost her.

People's feelings don't go on hold... they start fading away.

You told her everything you could, you poured your heart out...it still didn't change anything.

You have got to accept that this is over, learn from it what you can and find a way to get over it.

Find a therapist who will help you work through the pain of the loss.

Sell the house and find somewhere else to live, because right now, that sounds like pure torture.

You're holding onto hope where there isn't any.

It's like slowly ripping a band aid off, torturous and prolonging the pain.

You're going to have to find a way to accept that it's over and find ways to cope.

[MissCanuck]

31 minutes ago, MB89 said:

feeling down is very different than actual depression

Yes, I agree.

Unfortunately, you have done everything you can really do here. She knows how you feel but she just doesn't feel the same way. When someone has lost interest in trying, we have to do the hard work of respecting their choice and letting go. 

Is there anywhere you can stay for a bit to get some breathing space? I don't think being at home together is wise. It will only hurt to see her all the time. Sooner or later, you two are going to have to separate homes and it would be best to spend as little time together as possible in the meantime.

[MB89]

45 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I'm not trying to upset you, just being honest with you, but this is over, OP.

This is why it's never a good idea to take for granted what you have.

If you have someone to love, appreciate them, every single day. Make a point of telling them "I love you", try to spend time with them at some point during the day, remind them what they mean to you by sending special texts or love notes, little surprises, etc.

But out of all of those things, the most important is to spend time with them.

I know you had your reasons and at the time you justified them, but during this process, you lost her.

People's feelings don't go on hold... they start fading away.

You told her everything you could, you poured your heart out...it still didn't change anything.

You have got to accept that this is over, learn from it what you can and find a way to get over it.

Find a therapist who will help you work through the pain of the loss.

Sell the house and find somewhere else to live, because right now, that sounds like pure torture.

You're holding onto hope where there isn't any.

It's like slowly ripping a band aid off, torturous and prolonging the pain.

You're going to have to find a way to accept that it's over and find ways to cope.

There were times where I took her for granted and didn't appreciate her enough, or I became so focused on work that I didn't see what her needs were. But, the reason I focused so much on work was because I wanted to build a good future for us, so we could get married, have kids and never have to worry about finances. But, I truly showed her love on a daily basis. I would hug and kiss her many times a day, I called her every day from work just to say hi and see how she's doing, I bought flowers and chocolate, I took her out on dates (obviously less during lockdowns), I told her I loved her regularly. I continued doing this until the end.

Everything was going great until the pandemic, lockdowns and her layoff from work. Then things started changing for the worse and we started drifting apart.

This process truly is horrible. I have constant anxiety on a daily basis, regular panic attacks, I struggle to sleep at night, I struggle with performing at work, I feel sick to my stomach all the time, I feel depressed and life just seems meaningless. I have talked to all my friends and family every day since this started and I am seeing a therapist, but nothing helps, it never gets better. I have no motivation to do anything and the future just seems pointless and empty.

I was depressed for years before I met her, but she changed my life completely. I have never loved anyone like I love her. Without her everything seems pointless and I feel myself slipping back to my depression.

[MB89]

44 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I agree.

Unfortunately, you have done everything you can really do here. She knows how you feel but she just doesn't feel the same way. When someone has lost interest in trying, we have to do the hard work of respecting their choice and letting go. 

Is there anywhere you can stay for a bit to get some breathing space? I don't think being at home together is wise. It will only hurt to see her all the time. Sooner or later, you two are going to have to separate homes and it would be best to spend as little time together as possible in the meantime.

I can stay with family and friends for a few nights here and there, but that's it. 

We spent 3 weeks apart after this when she was away on holiday, but it didn't help. I just had plenty of time to think and just ended up missing her and loving her even more.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Any chance she has met someone else?

Quoting myself here as you might have missed it before, @MB89...

[MB89]

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Quoting myself here as you might have missed it before, @MB89...

Sorry. I don't think so. She works from home and she usually has clients in the evening with her side business. At least, I am pretty sure there wasn't anyone else before she ended it.

Of course, I am wondering if she has met someone now in the last couple of weeks though. But, I have no idea.

[SherrySher]

Have you sat down with her and just bit the bullet and asked her outright if she would be willing to try again, maybe consider couples counselling with you and see if there's a way you can get back on track?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, MB89 said:

 I wish she had informed me about the issues she saw in our relationship so that we could have gone to couples therapy and worked on fixing them.

I know her well and I can see when her mood changes. I have been depressed myself and I feel myself slipping back into it again.

Let her deal with her mental health in her own way.

You knew there were issues all along.

Focus on your own mental wellbeing.

[BreakingBadHabits]

On 8/22/2021 at 8:43 AM, MB89 said:

There were times where I took her for granted and didn't appreciate her enough, or I became so focused on work that I didn't see what her needs were. But, the reason I focused so much on work was because I wanted to build a good future for us, so we could get married, have kids and never have to worry about finances. But, I truly showed her love on a daily basis. I would hug and kiss her many times a day, I called her every day from work just to say hi and see how she's doing, I bought flowers and chocolate, I took her out on dates (obviously less during lockdowns), I told her I loved her regularly. I continued doing this until the end.

Dude. Everything except the striked out is me 100%. I was hyperfocused on building US a better life and tried to explain that to her. She left me for the same reasons. 

I'm seeing that a lot of women do this. They can't see what the guys trying to accomplish. I guess they can't make he connection we're doing it for THEM.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/21/2021 at 6:39 PM, MB89 said:

. We still live together because none of us can afford to buy the other person out. I am dealing with constant anxiety and regular panic attacks. 

Leave her alone. No cards, letters, pouring your heart out, etc.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your depression and anxiety.

Figure out your finances. Let go. Let her move back to her home country.

She may be seeing someone else. She is only being cordial because of the horrific mistake of buying a place together.

[East4]

On 8/22/2021 at 12:39 AM, MB89 said:

3 months after dumping him she met me (I was probably a rebound). I fell in love with her after the first date and I pursued her relentlessly for 5 months until she finally told me that she loved me and we officially became a couple. After 7 months of dating we moved in together in a rented apartment. About a year after that we bought and apartment together, where we still live.

OP, the opening paragraph of your first post speaks volumes about the dynamic of your relationship. And it is not a good dynamic, so the current crisis was coming for a long time, the lockdown just accelerated it.

What happened actually is that you bulldozed this girl to be in relationship with you. If it took you 5 months to relentlessly pursue her and you admit you were a rebound, after the fiasco of her important relationship with her previous ex, it seems that she was, at best, lukewarm about you. As you put it, Finally she accepted to be in relationship with you, because she needed practical and financial support in a foreign country that she has not been adapting to too well, so a lovestruck local following her like a puppy was a good opportunity to get help. The rest of your post also shows that you were financially supporting her all the way through your relationship, even now that she is your ex. 

The fact that you fell for her at the first date, and knowing that men are visual creatures, shows that you fell for her looks, rather than for her personality because at that point you did not know that girl.

To conclude, the scenario of your relationship goes along these lines: an insecure, average looking local guy falls head over heals with a gorgeous foreign girl (is she Eastern European?), that is way above his league in the looks department. He knows he will never be able to get a girlfriend this good looking, she knows she needs help in a foreign country; so she compromises and accepts his relentless advances, not because she loves him, but because she enjoys his support. He pushes through the relationship milestones at the speed of light, because he is insecure and wants to cement the relationship: 7 month mark moving in together (too soon!), 1,5 year mark buying property together (again too soon!, and I am sure you paid for most of it, as at this point she was just figuring her way jobwise, and I doubt she was making a fortune).

She tastes the freedom to have a job and independent income for herself, then COVID hits and she stays home bored all day long, watching her boyfriend excelling at his career. This certainly has created resentment in her. Her boyfriend also starts to criticize her, treat her in a patronizing ways, giving her unsolicited advice until she is totally fed up with him. The dynamics have changed, now he has the upper hand. She feels like a prisoner, being so dependent on him and not happy how he treats her. This is just a speculation, but it is also possible that she might have started talking to a new guy, or who knows her previous ex, while her boyfriend puts long hours at work.

OP, from the start this relationship has only been the result of your insecurity and her need of financial/practical support. The foundation of this relationship was for the wrong reasons, so the results are only natural. 

I'd recommend you sell the joint apartment as soon as possible and part ways with this girl as soon as possible to save your mental/emotional health. The money that you will lose from selling at the low of real estate market, will be an expensive lesson learnt for next relationship to never buy property with a girlfriend, no matter how good looking she is and how desperate you are.

[Anonymous]

Disappear from her life immediately, in a polite, calm and considered manner.  Every ounce of your being does not want to do this but is the thing you must do both for your own dignity and also if there is any chance for her to reconsider then this is the way it will happen.  I can tell you this from experience and no, I am not one of these snake oil-ex back people either.    Tell her you are sorry for the way she feels and if she changes her mind then to let you know.  Then disappear from her life and work on yourself.  Tell her unless she wants to be involved with you in a relationship then you do not want to hear from her again. Strength like this garners respect and admiration because so few people have the fortitude to do it.  She will respect you hugely inside whatever happens in the future and you will have brought certainty into your own life.

Any "friends" overtures she may make is utter BS.  Never be friends with an ex, it will torture you inside.  After love, sex, intimacy, shared experiences and then having to be relegated to a "friend"?  Thanks, but no thanks!