My wife has/had an emotional affair and she refuses to cut ties to affair partner.

[Mehrune]

Hi, as the title states, my wife had an emotional affair. I`m sorry if it is a lot to read, thank you to anyone willing to have a go at helping me. As far as I know she has never met him in real life, but there were plans to meet that did not work out (luckily). I also want to say that I believe I will be able to forgive her, I don`t want to just leave her, but I`m not sure how long I can stay if her affair partner is still chatting to her a few hours a day every day.

To give you some background, I`m a stereotypical introvert(25M), she`s an extrovert(29F), a few years back we`ve moved (just the two of us) to a different country resulting in a loss of contact with a lot of previous friends (mostly applies to her as my friend circle was always really small). Within the last 2-3 years, due to general life stress and troubles we have drifted apart, slightly at first but more over time. Lockdowns did not help, as we were both on furlough leave for most of the time, stuck in the house with little to none contact with others. That made everything... stale. Day after day was the same.

We both like playing a certain massive multiplayer online game, and a while back she has transferred her main character to a different server (which I strongly encouraged, both to improve her playing experience and hoping she will find some friends, as she craved human interactions). Up to this point things were stale, and we were a bit "apart", but other than that we seemed fine. The moment she transferred, within days she started spending 100% of her time outside of work playing the game with the voice communicator, always had her headset on, always talking with people online and whenever I tried to start any interaction, her reaction was always "I`m busy, not now" or just straight up ignoring me. Two weeks of that day after day and my attempts stopped, in the meantime I have moved my computer to a different room (trying to find a permanent job after covid bonanza, trying to go through an online course to improve my skills and CV - the constant talking on voice chat was not helping with that). My stupid natural reaction was that if she pushes me away, she clearly doesn`t want to be around me, so the wish shall be granted - I told her I don`t want to hear about the game (I was taking a break with job hunt as a first priority), about her new friends or anything like that. I said no to the very few times she offered to do something together replying her like she replied to me - "I`m busy, not now", which now I realise was stupid (I`m not putting the blame for it all on her).

After another few weeks I have noticed that something is off with the way she acts, I started suspecting she`s spending way too much time with one person (online), she`s secretive and... and well, a gut feeling. I just knew something was wrong. When confronted (multiple times), her reply was that nothing is happening, in short she was saying that I`m paranoid, controlling, I`m seeing things and why do I even suddenly care. Turns out, after working in face-to-face customer service for years, my people-reading skills have improved and that she`s a terrible liar. So I kept confronting her, time and time again and after an awful, tormenting month of long, exhausting talks every 2-4 days she has admitted to an emotional affair. 

During the, lets call it a month of truth, the things have changed slightly - she has stopped spending 100% of her free time on the voice chat, going down to (depending on the day) between 90 and 50% of her time, and the rest of it she`s available to me. And I recognize it as a big improvement, a change will not happen overnight, I realize that. I know that it didn`t happen for no reason and I believe her when she says that she loves me and she wants to repair our marriage. I have in the meantime moved my pc back to the same room (which she didn`t like, saying that it feels like I`m just doing it to spy on her).

There is one big problem left. Her affair partner. She refuses to cut him out of her life, saying that he`s a part of the friend circle she needed so much. I gave her a choice, me or him, after trying multiple different approaches all of which failed. She says she would choose me, but she refuses to cut the ties to him as he`s become her best friend, and as a crucial part of the whole friend circle, cutting him out would mean loosing all her friends again - and she would hate me for that. At the same time, she`s not willing to grant me access to her private messages (I only asked for the ones between him and her, that the only thing that made her confess to the affair in the first place as she didn`t want me to see the messages).

I don`t know what to do. I think she really believes that it is ok for her to keep him as a friend, but how am I supposed to trust her with that? She has already gone too far before, and wouldn`t admit to it either. What if it happens again? What if it`s still happening, but she`s gotten better at hiding it? She`s agreed not to talk to him without anyone else present on voice chat, but for me that is unverifiable and she might still write to him, I have no way of knowing. The affair itself, lies following it and the amount of emotional torment for both of us it took to even make her admit that something was going on obliterated any shreds of trust I`ve had left for her.

She want to keep her privacy (calling me controlling, comparing my need for evidence to toxic and abusive relationships), she wants to keep talking to him like nothing ever happened and she wants me to just believe her. I`m stressed, worried and anxious 100% of the time she`s not with me and away from the screen, whether on her PC or the phone. I`m deeply and badly hurt, and I don`t know what to do. I don`t want to be a tyrant and force her to lose most of her friends again, but I`m not sure where me or our marriage will ever recover, for as long as her affair partner is in her life. I do know that there were problems with our marriage before that, I do take responsibility for my part in them, and me and her have discussed that to a degree. I just don`t know what to do anymore, it`s driving me insane and I do not know how to handle it all. 

Should I give up, let her have it her way and get over it (or die trying figuratively speaking), or should I stand my ground, be a tyrant, make her hate me and force her to cut all ties to her affair partner she wants to remain friends with, while not wanting me to invade her privacy and reading her messages to him.

I have considered asking her to allow me access to her communication media again, but there are ways to manipulate what is visible on there, and there is always another piece of software I will not know about that she could use to chat with him, so even if she agreed, I`m not sure that would be enough.

Again, thank you for going through mad scribbles of a desperate, not that experienced husband worried about losing the love of his life. I appreciate any help - maybe you`ll convince me I`m overstepping boundaries, maybe you`ll say I`m right to be worried - whichever one it is - thank you. 

[Seraphim]

I think as she refuses to cut him off you literally have no choice. I know you don’t want to hear it but you need to consult a lawyer. This is not ok. 

[LaHermes]

18 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

after an awful, tormenting month of long, exhausting talks every 2-4 days she has admitted to an emotional affair. 

And you do see the contradictions between the two sentence below? Yes?  If she wanted to repair the marriage and actually loves you then she would not refuse to cut this individual out of her life. 

18 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

I believe her when she says that she loves me and she wants to repair our marriage.

 

18 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

Her affair partner. She refuses to cut him out of her life

 You know full well that THREE is a crowd in any marriage.  It is not being a tyrant to ask her to decide which is it going to be: you (her marriage) or the amazing Mr. Thunderball.

18 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

I`m not sure where me or our marriage will ever recover, for as long as her affair partner is in her life

You are only 25 (you must have been very young indeed when you married as you say you moved abroad some years back). Yes?  

At 25 your whole life is before you.  And being tied into this dysfunctional world of torment is not a good prospect, is it.  Aside from this emotional affair, I am guessing you are likely ill-suited in the first place. 

[mical]

You have to put your foot down and be ready to walk away and leave.

That is BS she wants to keep him as a best friend or whatever.

if you go along with this she will lose respect towards you as a man and she WILL leave you for him.

She sounds very immature.

Actually similar happened to my friend. Left the Netherlands to live with his wife. They had a daughter. He was supporting her and the baby while she was at home for first couple years. While he was away he noticed similar, she was into gaming (that’s how they met) and she met a guy there. She eventually made up my friend threatened her which was a lie to justify locking him out of the house and letting they new guy move in. Very evil I must say.

My friend left her and met some amazing girl and is VERY happy now. 

 

[Mehrune]

I am young, yes, but I do want to give repairing everything a go. 

29 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Aside from this emotional affair, I am guessing you are likely ill-suited in the first place. 

Most of the time we were really good together. It did get more complicated when both of us were going through work related difficulties and quite a lot of stress over a long period of time, and we did talk about it. I`m not without fault in this, but I have never gone as far as an affair. Worst thing like that that I have don (in her mind those are comparable) is that I have been occasionally watching porn - and that has been put to stop some time ago. I have never reached out to anyone apart from her with any real intimacy or emotion.

She did say, which I have not correctly explained, that If that`s what I want she`ll cut the ties to him, but it will make her hate me and that it would force her to cut ties with almost all of her new friends, which she cannot handle. Me trying to explain her that these consequences are not my fault, and that she has made the decisions that lead us to this point only caused rage.

[boltnrun]

She wants to have a husband and a boyfriend. When you two got married was this the agreement?

She wants you to put your foot down so she can blame you for the divorce.

Look, I was unhappily married and for some immature reason I didn't want to be viewed as the "bad guy". So I made it out like my husband was this terrible person. It wasn't true; we just weren't suited to be married to one another. 

I would tell her that in order for you to feel safe and secure in the marriage she must end all contact with her affair. It's ludicrous that she would lose ALL her online friends just because she stops talking to this one guy. That's just an excuse. If she refused or continues to claim you're "abusive" then you know she's not interested in the marriage any longer.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Mehrune said:

should I stand my ground, be a tyrant, make her hate me and force her to cut all ties to her affair partner she wants to remain friends with.

Being a controlling tyrant hasn't helped your marriage. In fact if your marriage ends it will be due to your controlling, interrogating overbearing nature, not some game player she never met.

[Seraphim]

Okay,  I will give you the same advice I would give my child who is a year younger than you . She wants you to sanction her affair and put up with it  while she gaslights you and treats you like a mook. Life comes with consequences.  She needs to learn some. 

 

You deserve better. Call a lawyer and get out. 

[DancingFool]

39 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

She did say, which I have not correctly explained, that If that`s what I want she`ll cut the ties to him, but it will make her hate me and that it would force her to cut ties with almost all of her new friends, which she cannot handle. Me trying to explain her that these consequences are not my fault, and that she has made the decisions that lead us to this point only caused rage.

^If this doesn't make it clear to you that she doesn't care one bit about her marriage and about you, then I don't know what will. Stop trying to explain to her what she knows herself very well. It's not that she doesn't understand, it's that she doesn't care. 

As you said yourself, life happens but you didn't cheat. Most people don't. Cheating isn't caused by hardships or relationship issues, it's just pure entitlement and lack of character.

You can't repair a marriage that SHE chose to break singlehandedly and has zero interest in repairing.

I know it's difficult to accept this and disorienting to find out that your life partner, someone you love and care about, doesn't give a flying eff about you and is a liar and a cheater and remorseless about it to boot, but the sooner you do, the better for you. Leave her and you will thank yourself soon enough.

Cheating is one of those things that you don't forgive. You can only choose to shrivel yourself to nothing and turn a blind eye to your partner cheating and cheating until one day they will still discard you. You can try to police your marriage, but realize that when people want to cheat, they will always find a way and it's you who will lose your health due to all the stress of policing and lying to yourself that this is working just fine. Don't choose to live in that kind of misery and hell. At 25 you can so easily rebuild your life with someone who is not a low life. 

[HappilyMarried1]

1 hour ago, Mehrune said:

She did say, which I have not correctly explained, that If that`s what I want she`ll cut the ties to him, but it will make her hate me and that it would force her to cut ties with almost all of her new friends, which she cannot handle.

You need to come back to her that you had no problem with her starting this and remind her that you encouraged it. Make sure that you are firm that she is the one that has caused this issue. She is the one that crossed the line from just friends to having an emotional affair and that she was even trying to meet him in person and possibly going into a physical affair. That you had no problem with her gaming and developing new friendships with both male and female. However, she is the one that caused this and ask her how she would feel if it was the other way around and how she would if wanted to still talk with a women that you admitted to having an EA with and was trying to meet with. Also, if you had admitted to having an EA with a woman and refused to let her see or have access to the communication to the AP what would she think?

I think this has to be cut off with no debate if you want your marriage to work. imo I wish you the best of luck!

[SooSad33]

Just what kind of 'affair' is this.. if all they have done was talk?  Like you said, you don't want to push her too far and say she can't have her 'friends'.

Do you fear her leaving you?  I don't see that happening.

In ways, I feel you should respectfully give her some space and let her have her friends.  I don't see her acting out as in leaving you for anyone.

I do feel things blew up between you two because, for so long, you were under suspicion, which escalated for too long, causing trust issue's.

My ex assumed a lot with me.  That i had a few 'guy friends' and he grew jealous over that - but they were very distant and we would never meet.. we both knew this. ( eventually he tried head games by pulling women in for himself - very immature). And all of this caused too much crap.. when there was never a real problem to begin with... To this day, no, I never met anyone I had become friends with online.. But, I still have some guy friends locally.  Do I see them as anything more than friends?  No.

So, yeah, sometimes things get really blown up too much... so, maybe you two can work through this.. by doing MORE together.  Go out for walks.. movies... dinner. Start interacting more, for real!  Work on learning to communicate & share 'together'. (which means less gaming from her and you two actually acknowledge each other more).

 

 

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, Mehrune said:

that she has made the decisions that lead us to this point only caused rage.

 

1 hour ago, Mehrune said:

If that`s what I want she`ll cut the ties to him, but it will make her hate me

Hate and rage. Not great ingredients for anything.

When I said you were young, OP, (25) I also said you have your life before you, not about repairing anything.   Since you mention years ago I assume you must have been practically a teen when you married. 

You say:

2 hours ago, Mehrune said:

I don`t know what to do

Yes, you DO know what to do. 

And I wholly endorse DF's advice here:

29 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

You can try to police your marriage, but realize that when people want to cheat, they will always find a way and it's you who will lose your health due to all the stress of policing and lying to yourself that this is working just fine. Don't choose to live in that kind of misery and hell. At 25 you can so easily rebuild your life with someone who is not a low life. 

I will add, do not marry again until you are at least 30.  And look long and hard at the person you join your life to. 

[Anonymous]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being a controlling tyrant hasn't helped your marriage. In fact if your marriage ends it will be due to your controlling, interrogating overbearing nature, not some game player she never met.

Where did that come from just assumptions?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Mehrune said:

I am young, yes, but I do want to give repairing everything a go.

But she doesn't. Not really. 

She is hardly even trying. What does that tell you about her true commitment to you anymore? 

[Mehrune]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

In ways, I feel you should respectfully give her some space and let her have her friends.  I don't see her acting out as in leaving you for anyone.

I do feel things blew up between you two because, for so long, you were under suspicion, which escalated for too long, causing trust issue's.

My ex assumed a lot with me.

That`s the thing, it`s not assumption. I have always been overly respectful of her privacy, and it`s not just assumption. She`s eventually confessed, there were "sexual conversations" I do not know the exact details, but that`s what`s she has already admitted to. And they have planned a meeting when she was travelling to his city but it has supposedly not happened for whatever reason - but the intention was there. He doesn`t live very far, she would easily be able to go and meet him and come back if I was at work when she`s got a day off. 

[HeartGoesOn]

3 hours ago, Mehrune said:

Should I give up, let her have it her way and get over it (or die trying figuratively speaking), or should I stand my ground, be a tyrant, make her hate me and force her to cut all ties to her affair partner she wants to remain friends with, while not wanting me to invade her privacy and reading her messages to him.

None of the above.  When a relationship gets to this point, it's already gone south, along with the lack of respect for their partner, the chances of going forward are slim to none, (imo).  That dark cloud will always be hanging over your head while waiting for the next shoe to drop.

She seems to be quite comfortable while disrespecting you. She's not telling you, she's showing you what you mean to her.

 

[Mehrune]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

So, yeah, sometimes things get really blown up too much... so, maybe you two can work through this.. by doing MORE together.  Go out for walks.. movies... dinner. Start interacting more, for real!  Work on learning to communicate & share 'together'. (which means less gaming from her and you two actually acknowledge each other more).

 

 

That`s what we are trying to do. But I find it difficult knowing that after everything she admitted and after all of the lies, when she`s done having a good time with me she`ll proceed to spend time with him. And they have stopped one-on-one chatting when I`m at home, but I cannot be really certain, despite her assuring words, that they will not go back to doing the same thing they were doing before when I`m not home. It`s not easy to just trust what she tells me after what happened.

[LaHermes]

28 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

the intention was there. He doesn`t live very far, she would easily be able to go and meet him and come back if I was at work when she`s got a day off. 

What are you going to do OP?  And I'd forget about "repairs" if I were you.

23 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

She seems to be quite comfortable while disrespecting you. She's not telling you, she's showing you what you mean to her.

 

"she has admitted to an emotional affair". 

[SooSad33]

5 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

when she`s done having a good time with me she`ll proceed to spend time with him.

What is it they are doing?  Weren't they mainly gaming together? Sadly, you cannot 'control' her in any way...So maybe it's up to you whether you want to continue this with her.

I say trust is gone.. so is maybe best you consider splitting up over her past - and discussions with him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Where did that come from just assumptions?

Learn how to read 

3 hours ago, Mehrune said:

She want to keep her privacy (calling me controlling, comparing my need for evidence to toxic and abusive relationships)  should I stand my ground, be a tyrant, make her hate me

 

[Mehrune]

1 hour ago, HappilyMarried1 said:

You need to come back to her that you had no problem with her starting this and remind her that you encouraged it. Make sure that you are firm that she is the one that has caused this issue. She is the one that crossed the line from just friends to having an emotional affair and that she was even trying to meet him in person and possibly going into a physical affair. That you had no problem with her gaming and developing new friendships with both male and female. However, she is the one that caused this and ask her how she would feel if it was the other way around and how she would if wanted to still talk with a women that you admitted to having an EA with and was trying to meet with. Also, if you had admitted to having an EA with a woman and refused to let her see or have access to the communication to the AP what would she think?

I think this has to be cut off with no debate if you want your marriage to work. imo I wish you the best of luck!

Thank you. I suppose that is the sort of advice I was hoping to get before going for anything too drastic. I do want it to work, I do want her to have friends and I did encourage her to meet people. And if we`re successful, I still will, just not like that and I will not turn away from her. We did struggle with communication sometimes, but it`s now a known issue and it`s a work in progress. But quite honestly by this point both of us are exhausted by the whole situation, and there are some improvements, but I do not consider it to be resolved. To call it as it is, I got to a point where I`m a bit uncertain when to start a conversation, and a bit hesitant and even afraid to do it. I have got a lot of thinking to do, but thank you and all the others for all your time and effort in replying. I did not expect so much... interest.

I appreciate advice, all of it. I will consider more drastic choices once I feel like I have exhausted all other options. 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Being a controlling tyrant hasn't helped your marriage. In fact if your marriage ends it will be due to your controlling, interrogating overbearing nature, not some game player she never met.

To that, my reply will be that perhaps a point has been missed somewhere in what I`ve written. I always respected her privacy, I didn`t go snooping - I have asked her. Seeing that she, my wife, is lying in my opinion justifies asking again. Especially when the issue is a serious one, after all it wasn`t about who ate the last piece of chocolate. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

Seeing that she, my wife, is lying in my opinion justifies asking again.

No doubt your marriage is in trouble from disrespect. Decide if you want to divorce over this because she doesn't seem to want to cut contact and you don't trust her.

However if she does leave you, it won't be because of some gamer she never met. It will be from her telling you, you are "toxic, abusive and controlling".

[LaHermes]

20 minutes ago, Mehrune said:

I got to a point where I`m a bit uncertain when to start a conversation, and a bit hesitant and even afraid to do it.

What are you afraid of, exactly? 

You said she admitted to an emotional affair and that is fine by you? She has lied repeatedly. She could (and would) actually meet this man in person at any time.

The trust is gone, and well you know it OP. What is really drastic is staying in this dysfunctional situation. 

You will have to go it alone OP. Is that what is scaring you? 

 

[MissCanuck]

She has admitted having sexual conversations with him. 

She has admitted this is an emotional affair. 

She made plans to meet him in person. 

And now she doesn't want him out of her life. 

OP, I know it hurts, but your marriage is already over. She is really checked out and no longer has even basic respect for you. 

[Mehrune]

  

7 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

What are you afraid of, exactly? 

You said she admitted to an emotional affair and that is fine by you? She has lied repeatedly. She could (and would) actually meet this man in person at any time.

The trust is gone, and well you know it OP. What is really drastic is staying in this dysfunctional situation. 

 

I do see your point, I might just not be ready to admit that this is final, I will just not be strong enough yet to commit and follow through with a divorce. As to the conversations, I suppose I`m afraid of her reaction to what I say or propose (not that she`s abusive, just to put it out there), even though I`m fully aware that this one problem is fully on her (keeping causes and previous, other problems apart). But she doesn`t treat it as a separate problem, she always mentions other issues from the past and tries to put them all in one box that we`re both responsible for. I know that`s her getting defensive and deflecting, but I`m still trying to get past the defences, even just to hear truth.