Wedding With Fiancé’s Sister

[Cutiebug123]

If her mom (my MIL) wanted her to have a vacation, she should’ve taken the week off and come down with her too. It is her son’s wedding and she was invited to do so in October and she declined. 

[tattoobunnie]

His sister has only been sober for less than six months? Ugh.  Sorry. I wouldn't let her stay.  But the house was open to all, so you kinda can't say "No."  I'd tell everyone to lock valuables and cash in a safe.

I have had a few relatives including my bro with a drug abuse history, so I think it's unfair you have to grin and bear it.  But let hubs baby sit her.  She may be cool. She may not. Either way, lock up your goods.  You don't lose custody over your kids for being a great, responsible person.

[maritalbliss86]

I think you're being wise. 

I also think it's fascinating someone accused you of, "having no empathy."  Hopefully you can see people like that are hypocritical, meaning they have no empathy for you.

[Cutiebug123]

On 5/26/2021 at 12:21 PM, tattoobunnie said:

 Sorry. I wouldn't let her stay.  But the house was open to all, so you kinda can't say "No.”

 

That’s true, but the good news is what we’re saying no to is driving her down with us (which was never remotely offered and is a complete imposition) and she doesn’t have a way to get herself down so she’ll have to just come Thursday with her mom. That takes care of itself, thankfully, I’m just thankful I’m not being a youknowwhat for saying no and MaritalBliss thank you for pointing that out. I feel like I’m pretty empathetic but in this situation I didn’t understand why she’s the one who needs to be shown empathy like you said. I show empathy when I help his mom with the kids and do plenty of other things… I just want this one week and it’s not even that I don’t want her there the whole week I just don’t want her there alone with only my fiancé and I to keep her engaged and comfortable. So thank you again.  

[LootieTootie]

19 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think you're being wise. 

I also think it's fascinating someone accused you of, "having no empathy."  Hopefully you can see people like that are hypocritical, meaning they have no empathy for you.

If you are referring to me, I wasn't saying she had no empathy. I was referring to someone else on this thread who has continuously made insensitive comments on other threads.

SMH

[LootieTootie]

OP I didn't say you were not sympathetic. Sorry if it came across like that when you read it. 

From my understanding, the house/wedding vacay was open to all family but since she has only been sober less than 6 months and left rehab, I understand your dilemma. 

IMO family is family. If you open invite your close family to celebrate a special occasion, you also invite the problematic ones too unless you or your husband say no. I think it might cause some unintended hurt feelings which usually manifest in one way or another later on but it's your wedding and your vacation.

It looks like you guys have said no and maybe this is good that MIL knows her boundaries too. 

[Cutiebug123]

13 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

OP I didn't say you were not sympathetic. Sorry if it came across like that when you 

I knew what you meant, Lootie, when you said lack of empathy that you weren’t referring to me. I thought she was meaning the person who told me to have some empathy for this poor woman at the beginning of the thread. I do believe that what she has is an illness and I do have empathy for her and want her to have a great life and have her kids back and be at the wedding and everything. I just don’t want to have to drive her down and drive her around for four days when before this event our relationship has been seeing her a couple times a year and I just don’t know her very well at all with all the drug issues aside, I’m very introverted and having someone there that I’m not comfortable with but also knowing she has no one else but my fiancé and I, I couldn’t help but carry the weight of that and tire myself out keeping her comfortable and included. 
 

If she could drive down or come with a friend or some other invited family member on his side, I’d have no issue. But I never invited her to be on us for the week, his mom is making that leap and asking for something that was never offered. 

[Cutiebug123]

13 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

IMO family is family. If you open invite your close family to celebrate a special occasion, you also invite the problematic ones too unless you or your husband say no. I think it might cause some unintended hurt feelings which usually manifest in one way or another later on but it's your wedding and your vacation

I know I’ve said this a lot but just because I want to be totally clear and not appear that I’m walking back on an invite. His sister is still invited to the wedding. That never changed. She will still be there, she will just have to come down Thursday when the rest of his family comes down. My issue with this request is not that his sister will be there. My issue with this request is that she’s invited herself/her mom is asking us to drive her down with us before anyone else in his family gets there and basically vacation with her, driving her around, paying for her food, etc. until everyone else gets there Thursday. I never offered that and that’s not required for her to attend the wedding. If we’d had a close relationship with her and then she had a rough patch with drugs it would even be different. We have never ever been close with her. I don’t know her that well, to have her there with just me and my family is going to be uncomfortable. Sorry for the repetition but a lot of people have gotten the sense I invited her and now I’m uninviting her and that’s just not the case. I’m just saying no to driving her down early. 

[Batya33]

I completely understand and the issue is -introvert or no -you chose a destination wedding with plans for pre-wedding gatherings, events, visits.  And she is immediate family so you're treating part of his family differently than the others. At least that's how they are going to see it.  Many brides have to be around people they've never met/ don't feel comfortable around in exchange for the choice to have a party to celebrate the wedding. I had ten people and the best man was invited with his wife.  I was relieved she did not come.  I really didn't know her well and she wasn't that nice to me/friendly so with only ten people I wasn't a huge fan of her coming.  But of course she was invited. 

When my husband and I were almost engaged he was a groomsman in his good friend's wedding.  His wife was really shy and they'd actually asked me to help plan her bridal shower even though I barely knew her -she had few friends and none who'd stepped up to do it.  So I did it - put in the effort and at the shower I made sure she felt comfortable and was able to engage her in conversation.  But then I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner because we weren't married.  That was bizarre to me and my now husband. 

People make all sorts of odd decisions and requests when the couple chooses to have a wedding reception to celebrate the wedding -especially a destination wedding when you're asking people to drive out of their way.  You have to put your feelings about your big day aside once you've included family -and she is immediate family.  I do feel for you -I would hate this which is one reason I didn't want a big party to celebrate our wedding.  It was hassle enough just to plan for a lunch for ten people LOL.  But really awesome, fun, the perfect most magical day and I hope the same for you!

[smackie9]

Good it's all settled and you can relax and enjoy your vacation wedding. Hope it's a beautiful one, congratz.