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  1. I know I’ve said this a lot but just because I want to be totally clear and not appear that I’m walking back on an invite. His sister is still invited to the wedding. That never changed. She will still be there, she will just have to come down Thursday when the rest of his family comes down. My issue with this request is not that his sister will be there. My issue with this request is that she’s invited herself/her mom is asking us to drive her down with us before anyone else in his family gets there and basically vacation with her, driving her around, paying for her food, etc. until everyone else gets there Thursday. I never offered that and that’s not required for her to attend the wedding. If we’d had a close relationship with her and then she had a rough patch with drugs it would even be different. We have never ever been close with her. I don’t know her that well, to have her there with just me and my family is going to be uncomfortable. Sorry for the repetition but a lot of people have gotten the sense I invited her and now I’m uninviting her and that’s just not the case. I’m just saying no to driving her down early.
  2. I knew what you meant, Lootie, when you said lack of empathy that you weren’t referring to me. I thought she was meaning the person who told me to have some empathy for this poor woman at the beginning of the thread. I do believe that what she has is an illness and I do have empathy for her and want her to have a great life and have her kids back and be at the wedding and everything. I just don’t want to have to drive her down and drive her around for four days when before this event our relationship has been seeing her a couple times a year and I just don’t know her very well at all with all the drug issues aside, I’m very introverted and having someone there that I’m not comfortable with but also knowing she has no one else but my fiancé and I, I couldn’t help but carry the weight of that and tire myself out keeping her comfortable and included. If she could drive down or come with a friend or some other invited family member on his side, I’d have no issue. But I never invited her to be on us for the week, his mom is making that leap and asking for something that was never offered.
  3. Everyone has already said it but you need to really think about this relationship and the hope is that you’d want out after thinking about it. He sounds incredibly disrespectful to be doing all of this when he’s with you. Like others have also said, porn is one thing but OnlyFans and Instagram and actually cheating are very different and shouldn’t be lumped together.
  4. I agree with a previous commenter, a major issue here is also the infidelity and lack of trust especially if he’s still in connection with the woman he was fooling around with. Even if he did stop drinking “Monday-Thursday” he’s probably just going to drink more Friday-Saturday and if he’s drunk you really can’t trust him. It sounds like the glimpse of freedom you had was great and you need to grab it with both hands. If he really wanted to change, he would’ve used the year you all were separated to do so.
  5. That’s true, but the good news is what we’re saying no to is driving her down with us (which was never remotely offered and is a complete imposition) and she doesn’t have a way to get herself down so she’ll have to just come Thursday with her mom. That takes care of itself, thankfully, I’m just thankful I’m not being a youknowwhat for saying no and MaritalBliss thank you for pointing that out. I feel like I’m pretty empathetic but in this situation I didn’t understand why she’s the one who needs to be shown empathy like you said. I show empathy when I help his mom with the kids and do plenty of other things… I just want this one week and it’s not even that I don’t want her there the whole week I just don’t want her there alone with only my fiancé and I to keep her engaged and comfortable. So thank you again.
  6. If her mom (my MIL) wanted her to have a vacation, she should’ve taken the week off and come down with her too. It is her son’s wedding and she was invited to do so in October and she declined.
  7. I’ve gotten my answer, I really appreciate everyone’s time and responses. I wasn’t really ever asking if everyone else thought she should spend the week with us, more whether I’m being selfish for not wanting her to given all the reasons I’ve already described. She’s invited to the wedding and I want her there, the alternative to coming with us Sunday is coming with her mom on Thursday which means she’ll still be there for the wedding but this way she’s there when the rest of his family is there and not the odd one out plus all the other concerns I have for and about her. Although some people really think it should be fine, I’ve heard enough people say they wouldn’t want to have the same happen to them to decide I’m not being selfish. My thoughts are that if she was able to get herself there, it would even be different. But the idea of her being there alone with no family but my fiancé who she isn’t close with and my family who she doesn’t know and me when we aren’t close by any means and have nothing in common with no transportation or resources for herself is too much considering it’s our wedding week and we want to be able to focus on each other. Thanks again everyone, sorry to anyone who thinks I’m being unfair 🤷🏻‍♀️ This is why I even went the route of having a tiny destination wedding with immediate family only. I’m extremely introverted and having her there the entire week is just not a good idea.
  8. Originally, like I said, she was going to be in rehab so there was an assumption she wasn’t even coming when I invited everyone. And I know his mom, I see her more than anyone else in his family and I never said that I hadn’t met his sister. I’ve met her and been around her, but only really at holidays. His mom we see more like once a month, his dad like once a quarter and literally everyone else maybe twice a year. Thanksgiving and Christmas. My family hasn’t met his sister so it’s inevitably going to be awkward to have 6 people who are all super comfortable with each other and one extra person. She was never invited in this way, she’s invited really as an extension of my fiancé’s mom. Her mom is creating this situation that otherwise wasn’t in the realm of possibilities. I don’t think she’s a bad person or anything, I just don’t want to have to keep her feeling included and keep an eye on her and pay for her and have her around us 24/7. If she had a partner or friend that she could ride down with, that would be different. But she’s going to be totally on us. And I agree that I shouldn’t necessarily make it my responsibility and that’s something I need to work on but I can’t change that about myself in less than a month and the bottom line is that it’ll make the week really emotionally taxing on me and I felt that wasn’t fair. Honestly my fiancé has come fully around (we haven’t talked since I called him at like 1pm but when I got home he was apologetic of originally getting defensive and agreed that it’s not only uncomfortable but could be dangerous to have her there unattended) and I feel better with the positive responses and those that understand where I’m coming from. Thanks for all the responses either way.
  9. Thank you, I’m glad that I’m not totally crazy and a total b****. I hate upsetting people and I feel guilty putting my fiancé in a position to say no when he would just be meh about it but it just doesn’t sit well with me and like you said I just want it to be an amazing week for us and if something happens it’s going to ruin it and I just desperately don’t want that.
  10. Absolutely wrong to both of your second points. Yes. Hiding most anything from your significant other is generally going to be wrong. If he knew you’d be upset… why do it? I mean I get wanting to be nice, but you could’ve come to? Then there would’ve been no complaining, especially if you were her friend. I can’t understand a situation where everything you said is true and there wasn’t something shady going on. Ie the deleted texts and lying… I hate to say not to believe your husband if you trust him but I’d be hard pressed to trust him in your shoes.
  11. I know she has a daily report center she goes to for testing and I believe she takes classes, I’m guessing they’d excuse a week for a wedding and that’s how she’d be able to go or maybe it’s biweekly or something. Also maybe virtual right now in the wake of COVID stuff. She’s a while away from getting her kids back though, unfortunately, lots of health problems from the opiates. She almost didn’t make it last year about a month after having her second son.
  12. I hate to say it but it sounds like your husband is a major part of this issue. How was he going to a woman’s house with no one there and not even mentioning it to you for years? Probably because he knew you’d be upset and more likely because he was going something wrong… I mean why else would it be a secret? And did you never tell your husband you didn’t like how much this woman texted him or anything? If you ever mentioned that she made you uncomfortable and he continued to give her time and attention, she is definitely not the issue. You need to talk to your husband and figure out what he was thinking.
  13. Her kids will be with his mom because she doesn’t have custody of her kids. She’s never had custody of the youngest one and she lost custody of the first (will be 2 in august) when she lost custody of the second. Her mom has custody of both of them. The sister is unemployed and lives with her dad (not my fiancé’s dad).
  14. I definitely don’t want to cause a problem with or for him, I guess I just want him to also feel that way about me. I mean his sister has really messed up the last year, by no means should she be punished or have anything negative because of that because I know she’s sick and she’s trying to do better. But shouldn’t he want us to have a great week and focus on each other? If he doesn’t care about his sister (which he says he doesn’t beyond that she’s his sister and he ultimately loves her but doesn’t want a relationship with her), why would her happiness trump mine? When it’s our once in a lifetime week, the only wedding I’ll ever have and it’s just a vacation for her? That she’s not paying for or contributing to in any way?
  15. They just want us to be happy and for us to have a good week and my mom said that if I can’t get out of it she’ll make sure to be super friendly and build a relationship with the sister as much as possible so I don’t feel so uncomfortable with her being an extra wheel. They just want it to be a great week for anyone who comes, but they’re understandably afraid of the liability that comes with her possibly relapsing. My mom is upset I’m being put in the position because she knows I don’t want to upset anyone, I just want this one week to be peaceful and amazing. My dad doesn’t care and my sister is a firecracker and is also the ordained minister for the wedding so she was ready to call and ask what the hell his mom was thinking 😂 she was of course kidding and would never do that but they’re upset for me having to be in the spot.
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