I'm very confused...

[Advice_needed86]

I'm 34 (M) and she 27 (F). 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I've found myself in this strange predicament. I met Alex (fake name) at work 2 years ago. Over time we developed a close friendship. My previous GF of 6 years had just dumped me, so I wasn't in a great state of mind. Early on, I had no intentions of anything more than friendship with Alex. We would go on daily walks during lunch time at work, and would occasionally hang out at a local bar after hours. A month or so into our friendship (late 2019) we decided to catch a movie then head to a bar afterwards. After a few drinks, we started making out. It got pretty hot and heavy, but didn't go past making out that night. Over the course of the next couple months, this happened a couple more times (never escalating beyond kissing), until one night when I mentioned that I think I'm interested in something more. She told me that she obviously liked me but feared a relationship with a co-worker could get complicated and she didn't want to go down that route. I respected it. A couple of weeks later, the pandemic happens and she leaves her apartment to quarantine with her parents (about 150mi away). We both lose our jobs because of the pandemic. We still kept in touch, texting nearly everyday. 

Fast forward to August 2020. She tells me she's coming back for a week to pack up her stuff and move out of her apartment. She is planning on returning early next year but since her lease was up, she felt it was wasteful keeping the apartment. Anyways, we plan on meeting up. Once she comes back, we hang out every night she is here. Nothing physical happens until night 3 when we finally slept together. I spent the next 2 nights there with her. It was enjoyable, and I felt we might be building something. She returns home to her parents place, and we continue to text daily. She invited me down to spend a week there at the end of September. It was a good time. We didn't sleep together as she was apprehensive about her parents being there. The relationship was still physical though, even if somewhat undefined.

Months go by, still texting quite often. I spend the winter months in Florida, so we didn't see eachother again until 2 weeks ago when she returns. She invites me over once she moves back. I'm not sure what to expect since it had been 7 months since we'd seen eachother and we really didn't discuss what had happened the previous summer/fall. It wasn't quite taboo but it just wasn't something we talked about. Anyways, I visit her and we spend a fun night having drinks and catching up, but nothing physical happens. I got the sense there was still something there. Even tho there were no romantic moves made, there was still a lot of consensual touching, hand on the back, touching of the shoulders, going both ways. Also, before I visited she, somewhat strangely, asks me not to tell her mother I'd be visiting. Now I occasionally texted with her mother, and by occasionally, I mean once every few months. It's usually just a check-in to see how she's doing as she was quite nervous about Covid. I asked Alex why it was important that I not mention my visit to her mom (not that I had any intention of doing so). She responds by saying "I dunno, it's just something I don't want to have to talk to my mom about. It's not something you talk to your mother about." I took that to mean that something would happen that night. It didn't. After leaving I was upset with myself for not making a move. 

On to the inflection point. I visit her yesterday. We plan to spend the day together, explore her new neighborhood, get some dinner, etc. As the day progresses, nothing has happened. Towards the end of the night, she tells me she's getting quite tired and is ready to call it a night. It's at this point (perhaps buoyed by some liquid courage) that I decide to broach the elephant in the room. I use that precise language. I tell her that I wanted to address what had happened last summer, and wonder if that's something that was just a one off thing. She says back to me, with a frustrated tone, that it was and that she told me that (she didn't). Then she proceeds to insinuate that the only reason I wanted to hang out with her was to have sex. It definitely wasn't, and I tell her that it's because I genuinely like her. She gets more impatient and says "well, I don't like you." She then tells me to leave. I leave.

I've texted her a couple times and called a couple times since. I told her, via text, that it wasn't my intention to make her uncomfortable in her own home. I just wanted to get it out there how I felt. I reiterated that I have actual feelings for and it wasn't just about sex for me. She has not reached out to me, and I'm not sure if she plans to. 

I'd really appreciate your feedback/advice. I'm just genuinely perplexed by the whole situation. She absolutely knew I had feelings for her. I never hid that from her and yet I was met with such a hostile reaction. I can handle rejection, but I don't think I've ever misread a situation to this extent. Or did I?

Thanks

[LaHermes]

13 minutes ago, Advice_needed86 said:

I tell her that it's because I genuinely like her. She gets more impatient and says "well, I don't like you." She then tells me to leave. I leave.

Not much more to be said, is there OP?

Who knows. Maybe she has met someone else. 

[Advice_needed86]

@LaHermes

I suppose. I guess, just given all the contradictory evidence, I'm confused by her hostility and frustration. Why not say something before hanging out again? She had to have known that I would at some point say something. Like I said, I'm less stunned by the rejection and more surprised by the hostility and anger. It was like I crossed a line when I don't feel that I did. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Advice_needed86 said:

She told me that she obviously liked me but feared a relationship with a co-worker could get complicated and she didn't want to go down that route. 

Fast forward to August 2020 we finally slept together.

I told her, via text, that it wasn't my intention to make her uncomfortable in her own home. I just wanted to get it out there how I felt.

Sorry this happened. It seems she didn't want a one night stand turning into anything more. Step back. LDRs are very difficult. Does she have a local BF?

[Advice_needed86]

@Wiseman2

It isn't long distance. She moved back to the city we both lived in. She hasn't mentioned to me about being involved with anyone. I'm fairly certain she wasn't involved with anyone during quarantine as both her and her family were in true lockdown with covid.

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, she maybe thinks it was just a fling thing and acted as such. You maybe thought it was more but to her it was just that. So after you pushed things she felt uncomfortable and thought you just want more sex while she clearly didnt want to get involved more. Its kinda miscommunication that you should have resolved before investing so much time in somebody who saw you only as a fling. For example after it happened. So her reaction probably comes from that. I mean there is maybe a million other reasons, maybe you didnt react on time and defined things, maybe she just doesnt want to commit, maybe its LDR thing etc. But I think her reaction just comes from that she thought you are just a fling and acted as such. Which is kinda weird because you maintained contact and visited her(yes, she could have at least tell you before that she doesnt see you that way) but, eh, I dont really think both of you are good with expressing what you want. Hence the miscommunication. 

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, Advice_needed86 said:

Why not say something before hanging out again? She had to have known that I would at some point say something.

It was 7 mos since you had seen her.  Is possible that she didn't see you the same way anymore.

So, she maybe didn't even think YOU were thinking that way anymore either.. so was just a 'basic hang out', as friends do...

So, I guess now, you will both interact a lot less, if at all.  And respect her by giving her some space. ( seems like that's what she wants).

 

[catfeeder]

On 5/23/2021 at 2:32 PM, Advice_needed86 said:

I'm less stunned by the rejection and more surprised by the hostility and anger. It was like I crossed a line when I don't feel that I did. 

Ehhh, your timing was bad. When someone tells you that they're tired and tapped out, that's really not a good moment to raise an emotionally challenging convo.

You spent a lot of time together. She may have felt over tired and suffocated, and she just needed you to leave. You picked then to raise that convo, and it ticked her off.

[Rose Mosse]

On 5/23/2021 at 11:12 AM, Advice_needed86 said:

Early on, I had no intentions of anything more than friendship with Alex.

...

Then she proceeds to insinuate that the only reason I wanted to hang out with her was to have sex. It definitely wasn't, and I tell her that it's because I genuinely like her. She gets more impatient and says "well, I don't like you." She then tells me to leave. I leave.

You appear disingenuous even though you may be very genuine about how you feel about her. This was never supposed to be a serious dating/relationship in the first place. 

Don't contact any of her family. It doesn't look good on you.

At this time, leave her alone. You may like her a lot but she doesn't feel the same way. As soon as you realize this I think the more she may respect you.