What to do when you desperately want to move on but somehow you are stuck...??

[Kriyah]

Hello everyone 🙂

I am Kriyah and I'm from India. I'm seeking some advice regarding healing, being content and not giving an F about somebody who has hurt me.

Here is a short back story. For those of you who don't know, arranged marriages are quite the thing here in India. So my parents found a suitable guy for me last year and we talked for a month. We talked every day and things were quite good. We vibed really well and conversations were great. Then one month later we decided to meet up. Post that date, he got busy with some work for about 3 days and on the 4th day he told me that he thinks we won't be compatible in the long run, he wished me luck and said we couldn't continue any longer. It hurt. I didn't expect it to hurt but it did. 

I always considered myself as an emotionally strong person. Prior to this connection I met other guys too but none of those rejections ever hurt me coz I could never picture a future with other guys before. He was the first guy in a very long time with whom I dreamt of having a future. And he REJECTED me. That sucked. I didn't really react much at the time when he sent his last message. I sent a "👍 " and instantly removed him from all my social media circles. But for the next 2 days I sort of begged him to meet up one last time coz I honestly wanted him to have a good time (as he was super busy) and wanted him to remember me on god terms. But he kept giving excuses so I eventually gave up on the 2nd day and left him a message saying that everything we had was super nice and I really wanted him to have a good life. This was around 26th Jan 2021.

Since then I tried keeping a strict no contact. But occasionally I'd visit his fb profile and view his pictures.  Then sometime in mid Feb I saw that he put up a new profile picture in whatsapp and I ended up texting him saying "Someone's got a new picture!". He said "yeah...probably changing my profile picture after decades". I told him he looked like a kid in that picture to which he didn't even reply. That hurt again. 

Also in the meantime I got sucked into law of attraction. I was desperate to have him back. I would try scripting, meditating, journaling, SATS to get him back and was constantly thinking that he'll be back one day begging me to reconsider. That really made it hard for me to move on coz I was clinging too much on hope. One day I realized that enough was enough and I needed to move on for my own sanity. Also, initially he'd view all my stories but never replied. But he stopped viewing my stories too. I was kinda getting addicted to see if he viewed my updates or not so decided to take a total break from social media. 

It's going to be a around 3 weeks of strict no contact.....I don't have his number saved in my contact book, I don't check his social media and I'm determined to move on. But there is this hope still there in me that says that one day he'll be back and I don't want that. I just want to completely forget him. I want him to just be a distant memory. I don't want to wake up thinking about him, wishing he was there. I try to think of other things when he crosses my mind but nothing helps. I keep going back to his memories.....I keep thinking what could have and would have. I do not want to think about him. I wish there was a button that you could press and forget stuff. Also I see videos about the no contact and stuff.  I know it's supposed to be used for us but somehow they all give a hope that our ex would be back. How so I stop this feeling of hoping that he's be back?????

Has anyone of you ever successfully moved on and how long did it take? I just want to reach to a point where I don't want to hope that he's gonna come back or even if he does, I want to say "NO" to him. 

Help me guys.....I really want to heal. 

XOXO love ❤️

[Hollyj]

You will do yourself a huge favor by blocking and deleting him on everything.  

You barely know this guy, it is not like you and any type of relationship.  Time to let go.

[Kriyah]

14 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You will do yourself a huge favor by blocking and deleting him on everything.  

You barely know this guy, it is not like you and any type of relationship.  Time to let go.

Hey Holly....thanks for reading and replying ❤️

I did think of blocking him everywhere once but won't that look immature...???? I did remove him from everywhere and I control myself a lot.....i always feel like viewing his profile and checking his pictures but I quickly engage myself in other activities. Will blocking really help..????

[SooSad33]

I understand that no contact can work on your behalf, when it's been a long term relationship, they miss you etc... ( not that it always works).

Sadly, all you have done has made you yearn for him so much more- and was the wrong way to go, instead of just walking away from it all.

He did not feel anything for you, within that month or so.. but you did, eventually.

You have to just leave all alone. And avoid anything to do with him, in order to heal and move on.

 

[Hollyj]

He wouldn't know, plus aren't you the one reaching out to him?  

Everyone on here will advise you to block and delete to move on. 

[SooSad33]

9 minutes ago, Kriyah said:

I did think of blocking him everywhere once but won't that look immature...??

No.  He would not know you've done that.  It is to help YOU with getting away from all to do with him.

Who cares what he may think anyways?  It is all up to YOU. You are allowed.

[Kriyah]

5 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You have to just leave all alone. And avoid anything to do with him, in order to heal and move on.

That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I'm just trying to let it all go and somehow it's making me more sad. He is the last person I think of when I go to sleep and the first person on my mind when I wake up.

I soooo badly want to move on.

[Hollyj]

You met this person once, there is nothing to hold on to.  He is not interested. 

Do you usually have attachment issues?  YOU are choosing not to let go.

There was not a break up, as there was no relationship.

[SooSad33]

24 minutes ago, Kriyah said:

I'm just trying to let it all go and somehow it's making me more sad.

But, as Holly mentioned as did I, you had this guy in your life only a month or so - but you kept up with him, like an infatuation, which is not healthy.

And in order to be able to move on properly, you have to stop it all.

Fight the urge to look him up, to follow etc.

Just stop, let go.. fight it and move on.

 

 

[Kriyah]

13 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You met this person once, there is nothing to hold on to.  He is not interested. 

Do you usually have attachment issues?  YOU are choosing not to let go.

I know perhaps there is nothing to hold on to but I miss the conversations, the habit of talking to him all day long. 

And as far as attachment issue is concerned, I really don't know. Last time also, when I fell for a colleague of mine, despite him saying he wasn't interested, I was unable to move on from him for over a year. 

Even I'm frustrated at the very thought of him.....I don't know why I'm holding on to something that merely existed.

[Hollyj]

Do you have a friend group?   What do you do in your free time?  

[Kriyah]

3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Fight the urge to look him up, to follow etc.

Just stop, let go.. fight it and move on.

Oh I haven't looked him up for almost a month now. But there is this urge in me at times and I really have to fight it. Today is one such day.

I feel soooo stupid for falling for someone who doesn't even care.

[Kriyah]

Just now, Hollyj said:

Do you have a friend group?   What do you do in your free time?  

It is the pandemic here now so can't even go out much. Mostly I'm watching youtube or netflix or browsing in my free time. 

[Hollyj]

Can you do outdoor activities?    Were you social prior to the pandemic?

[Kriyah]

3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Can you do outdoor activities?    Were you social prior to the pandemic?

Would go out occasionally...won't really consider myself too much social

[Hollyj]

Perhaps, when Covid lifts you  can focus on growing a social life.  Find events, Meetups, classes, or groups where you can enjoy your interests and meet new people.  

I think that if you had more friends you would not focus so much on these guys as your life would be fuller.

[Rose Mosse]

First of all , please do not feel bad for getting attached to someone. He was presented as someone suitable to you and then he opted out of this (he is entitled, as would you one would hope if the situation were reversed). 

I think anyone would take this quite hard knowing that parents were involved or others knew about the expectation that this might lead to marriage. Cut yourself some slack there. 

Second, what you choose to do with his contact or other details is up to you. There's no rule book that states you are immature or wrong for blocking and deleting someone. And also, what he thinks of you is not really any of your concern. He's not a romantic option. He can change his pic as many times as he likes. It was nice of you to comment but telling him he looks like a kid also isn't exactly flattering for a man. 

A decent man will also know that any response to you if he knows you still like him will probably lead you on and he is not doing that. 

Regarding blocking/deleting, I like to think the idea of doing a regular clean out for old contacts is a good thing personally. Frees up more room in your heart and mind for new experiences. I also think that if done hastily a person who is in the midst of heartbreak can also just as easily re-add or unblock. It's all in the mind and how you see yourself in relation to this guy. If it helps to get rid of him and it's cathartic or something you feel better about doing don't ever put yourself second to what this other person thinks. You first.

What I'd focus on is more on you, less on him. Build up your support networks and talk to trusted friends. Don't be afraid to reach out to people and be your genuine self. Resist the urge letting this define you or ruin the way you think of yourself and what you deserve going forwards. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Ask your parents to find someone else. Either of you has the right to bow out if it's not a match.

Would you want to be married to someone who's not attracted to you? Of course not.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

There's no point chasing this. He's not interested and will be meeting and marrying someone else.

Do your parents know it wasn't a match? Can you find a man on your own or do your parents have to do that?

Your parents can continue to search for you when you let them know it didn't work out.

[Kriyah]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's not interested and will be meeting and marrying someone else.

Damn....that hit like an arrow! And that's the ultimate truth. That is the reason I never visit his profile in fear of ending up viewing him with somebody else. That will kill me.

Also, my parents are still searching, I also talked to few but I keep missing  him. 

[Kriyah]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

If it helps to get rid of him and it's cathartic or something you feel better about doing don't ever put yourself second to what this other person thinks. You first.

I contemplated blocking him at one point of time but there is this weird thing going on inside...."What is he wants to reach out to you someday? What if he comes back?"....and honestly that is what has stopped me from blocking him. I did not block him, but also I do not have his number in my phone book. 

I sooo desperately want to move on....I honestly just want to forget him....I'm tired.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Kriyah said:

...."What is he wants to reach out to you someday? What if he comes back?"....and honestly that is what has stopped me from blocking him. 

Do you really want to be a second, third or fourth choice?

Is this the first guy your parents set you up with?

Maybe there's someone better for you.  Have you told your parents it wasn't a match?

[Kriyah]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you really want to be a second, third or fourth choice?

Is this the first guy your parents set you up with?

Maybe there's someone better for you.  Have you told your parents it wasn't a match?

Nope he isn't the first one I met.....also I did tell my parents that he ain't interested. My parents have already resorted to looking for further matches. But I just can't concentrate on others.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like you are not ready to get married and this obsession is your way of avoiding that.

[Kriyah]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like you are not ready to get married and this obsession is your way of avoiding that.

OMG i never thought it this way.

Honestly, I'm not afraid of marriage. I'm afraid of marrying the wrong person.

[Unsure2021]

You move on by investing ZERO energy into this person. This means when a thought about him comes into your head, you make a CHOICE to divert it to something else right away. It also means eliminating any source of information from him by blocking and deleting all his contact info, messages, pictures, basically ALL content. Eliminate everything that reminds you of this person and starve any and all thoughts about him. Do not talk about him to anyone, including this platform, or to him. Think of it as a fast. Do this for a month and you’ll be free.