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What to do when you desperately want to move on but somehow you are stuck...??


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16 hours ago, Kriyah said:

 I'm not afraid of marriage. I'm afraid of marrying the wrong person.

Unfortunately with arranged marriages, you may not know that until after the fact.

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Kriyah:

I can understand the pain you described in your initial post.  I am feeling it also.  It sounds like you have been trying the same things over and over without much progress.  Like No Contact, etc etc........maybe its time for something new?  I've also done the therapy, meditation, journal ling things.  But I don't think that the "solution" is necessarily exterior.  At one point, I just took a walk (or sat in the park, I can't remember) and took a couple of breaths and gently I looked at myself.  *** was I doing?  Like beating myself up every morning with those thoughts invade.  I just sat there and let myself be honest with myself.  "Why am I purposely hurting myself?"  "How can I extricate myself from this deep cavern?"  "How can I still be so emotionally pained when you know the actual relationship, day to day, wasn't that great?"  I guess I was just gently and easy with myself.  And what I gained was POWER that I had so ridiculously given to my ex.  Of course the issue wasn't "fixed" but I feel better day to day.  And I'm a little more rational.  My ex and I have kids together so strict No Contact isn't possible.  At least now it's do-able.

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38 minutes ago, lark265 said:

At one point, I just took a walk (or sat in the park, I can't remember) and took a couple of breaths and gently I looked at myself.  *** was I doing?  Like beating myself up every morning with those thoughts invade.  I just sat there and let myself be honest with myself.  "Why am I purposely hurting myself?"  "How can I extricate myself from this deep cavern?"  "How can I still be so emotionally pained when you know the actual relationship, day to day, wasn't that great?"  I guess I was just gently and easy with myself.  And what I gained was POWER that I had so ridiculously given to my ex.  Of course the issue wasn't "fixed" but I feel better day to day.  And I'm a little more rational.  My ex and I have kids together so strict No Contact isn't possible.  At least now it's do-able.

Heartily agree with this. Beautifully said. 

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On 4/19/2021 at 7:50 AM, lark265 said:

Kriyah:

I can understand the pain you described in your initial post.  I am feeling it also.  It sounds like you have been trying the same things over and over without much progress.  Like No Contact, etc etc........maybe its time for something new?  I've also done the therapy, meditation, journal ling things.  But I don't think that the "solution" is necessarily exterior.  At one point, I just took a walk (or sat in the park, I can't remember) and took a couple of breaths and gently I looked at myself.  *** was I doing?  Like beating myself up every morning with those thoughts invade.  I just sat there and let myself be honest with myself.  "Why am I purposely hurting myself?"  "How can I extricate myself from this deep cavern?"  "How can I still be so emotionally pained when you know the actual relationship, day to day, wasn't that great?"  I guess I was just gently and easy with myself.  And what I gained was POWER that I had so ridiculously given to my ex.  Of course the issue wasn't "fixed" but I feel better day to day.  And I'm a little more rational.  My ex and I have kids together so strict No Contact isn't possible.  At least now it's do-able.

Hey thank you so much for this.....there have been days when I have looked at myself with despair, thinking what the heck and why the heck I'm hurting myself and I received no answer from within. I have this stubborn hope inside me that keeps telling me that "He'll be back". I'm sooooo frustrated with this false feeling of hope. I want to give up hoping and I'm not able to do that.

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On 4/17/2021 at 4:19 AM, Unsure2021 said:

You move on by investing ZERO energy into this person. This means when a thought about him comes into your head, you make a CHOICE to divert it to something else right away. It also means eliminating any source of information from him by blocking and deleting all his contact info, messages, pictures, basically ALL content. Eliminate everything that reminds you of this person and starve any and all thoughts about him. Do not talk about him to anyone, including this platform, or to him. Think of it as a fast. Do this for a month and you’ll be free.

Thank you so much dear. I have been trying to do exactly as you have said. There are days when I feel really sad. Like yesterday i don't know what took over me.....I put up status to see if he viewed them and he hasn't. Normally I would feel bad, even now I think I'm feeling bad but not as much as before. Plus I have this stubborn false hope that keeps saying "he'll be back". I want to get over with this hope. I seriously want to move on but I don't know why I'm being pulled back....! I'm tired.

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24 minutes ago, Kriyah said:

Thank you so much dear. I have been trying to do exactly as you have said. There are days when I feel really sad. Like yesterday i don't know what took over me.....I put up status to see if he viewed them and he hasn't. Normally I would feel bad, even now I think I'm feeling bad but not as much as before. Plus I have this stubborn false hope that keeps saying "he'll be back". I want to get over with this hope. I seriously want to move on but I don't know why I'm being pulled back....! I'm tired.

I know what you mean. There’s a mourning process you must allow for, because this connection represents a loss. So it’s normal to feel tired and sad. Be good to yourself and kind. Get extra rest, buy yourself flowers, go for a nice walk, whatever you enjoy. Whenever you eliminate something from your life, it leaves a gap, so fill it with good things that you’re excited about. Is there a goal or something you could do that makes you feel excited about life again? For example, for me it was to buy a home with a garden and get a new job. Picture in your mind what would make you feel alive and excited that’s outside of this and go get it! Your thoughts of him will disappear much faster and if they come up from time to time release them and wish him well in your mind. When you start engaging with your vision for your life and explore ways to make it real, you’ll not only recover but discover what this experience was meant to teach you.

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I find it helpful to view rejection as a reflection of another's limits rather than of any deficiency in you.

The right person for you will own the capacity to view you through the right lens. He will appreciate your unique value, and you'll enjoy true simpatico.

This guy seemed the closest you've come to that, but consider that you'll find someone even better if you are patient and don't settle for less than what you want and deserve.

Head high, and move your focus onto reaching your own higher ground. You will thank yourself later.

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Best way for you to move on is a frank conversation with your parents about arranged marriage.

Discuss your unhappiness and that you wish for them to pick better prospects and that you want to have more say and more choices.

Can you browse the matrimonial sites yourself and pick a few out that your parents approve of?

Your stuck on this because there's no one else you have found.

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On 4/16/2021 at 12:56 AM, Kriyah said:

i did think of blocking him everywhere once but won't that look immature...???? I did remove him from everywhere and I control myself a lot.....i always feel like viewing his profile and checking his pictures but I quickly engage myself in other activities. Will blocking really help..????

No, you don't have to worry, it won't!

I blocked my ex boyfriend on everything, it actually worked for me. Since I blocked him, I can't go on his profile, making me resist the temptation to text him. Sure I look at his pictures once in a while but I block him right after I do. 

If you blocked the guy (Let's call him "A"), You would be missing him every once a while but you won't feel the need to text him. A would probably understand as well.

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Sounds like to me that you are angry and hurt over being rejected more than anything. You are not depressed about the relationship because you two never had one. You cant be mad at what was left behind because you two didnt exactly go out together to make any memories, I dont know how you can be depressed when he never told you that he liked you, wanted you, loved you, or even that he wanted to be with you. So you I dont see how you can be sad about a relationship that never happened. 

So in my view you are angry, hurt, and your ego took a hit because you were rejected. And now your entire existence is to somehow prove to him that you are worthy of being in an arranged marriage to him. Or add in the fact that your parents spent so much time looking for the right guy and he said No, we wont work, but good luck to you.. and you think its a hit on your family rather than just you?

But right now its all about you. You think of him because you want to show him that you are a catch. Or maybe you are just scared that the next guy your family finds for you wont be as good as this guy. So please get over the fact that you were rejected. It happens and you are taking it poorly. Accept that it happened and you move on.  

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