Is my relationship really over?

[skyty]

We lost my boyfriends mom 3 months ago. Her sudden passing changed everything in our lives and my boyfriend is in a very very bad place right now. I try to help him, but unfortunately he is not willing to accept or seek my comfort. Before it happened we had a very close, loving and affectionate relationship. I don’t expect him to be his old self anytime soon. I understand his grief and I want to give him as much time as he needs.

I try my best not to take it personally, but he is constantly lashing out at me. He even accuses me of things like „You didn’t like it that I called my mom every day, right? That was too much for you, wasn’t it?“ Which 1. is SO not true at all, that thought never even crossed my mind, because 2. I also call my mom every day! I don’t understand where all his accusations come from. It hurts me deeply, because I cared for his mom in the weeks before her death and held her hand in the hospital a few hours before she passed away. I might not completely understand his pain, but it’s not like I was an outsider or not involved these past months. Sometimes when my boyfriend talks to me, I feel so much hate in his voice. And I just don’t understand it. 

Today he told me that he wants to change his field of work, which would mean 3 years of extremely low paid work experience (like $1000 a month!), followed by 2 years of night school. And maybe in 5-6 years he would be able to open his own business. I want my boyfriend to be happy, and I do think that this new profession would make him happy. But before everything happened, we were talking about finally getting married when the pandemic is over. Building a house (we already have lots of catalogs at home and were in the process of deciding which company we want to go with) and lastly, having children. When I tried to bring it up, that our plans actually were very different and that we couldn’t afford a house if he changes jobs all of the sudden, he shuts the conversation down. He is not even willing to discuss our future and he’s also not answering my questions when I directly ask him if he stopped wanting the future we were planning. He just says he wants a job that makes him happy. 

I have to be honest, at this point I don’t know if he even wants to be in a relationship with me anymore. It already feels like we stopped being a couple. Which just surprises me so much. We were happy before it happened. Even as we knew what was coming, he still was very kind to me, thanking me over and over again for my support and for being there for his mom. I just don’t understand what happened in the past weeks and what I did wrong for him to be like this.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. How old is he? How long have you been dating?

His mother's death is not the issue. This crumbling relationship is.

You're completely incompatible. He seems to just want out. He has "hate in his voice" because he's grieving, angry and unfortunately resents you.

This has been going on for a while now. Your smothering him like this simply exacerbates an already conflicted situation.

Step way back from this. Stop trying to "comfort" him. It's suffocating. 

 

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, skyty said:

He just says he wants a job that makes him happy. 

- Then you let him do this.

Your BF is reacting to grief 😞 .. He doesn't know what to do with himself or how to deal with this hurt... So he is lashing out at you..sadly.

Best to just let him know you are there for him.. and give him his space - to deal.. to vent.. whatever.. is good if he gets out for a break, some air, or maybe journal.

Have you suggested he seek some grief counselling?  He should learn some coping skills, etc.

Give it a few more months, if you can handle it.  See IF he changes at all. (as for your future plans- back off that stuff for a while).

[LotusBlack]

7 hours ago, skyty said:

We lost my boyfriends mom 3 months ago. Her sudden passing changed everything in our lives and my boyfriend is in a very very bad place right now. I try to help him, but unfortunately he is not willing to accept or seek my comfort. Before it happened we had a very close, loving and affectionate relationship. I don’t expect him to be his old self anytime soon. I understand his grief and I want to give him as much time as he needs.

I try my best not to take it personally, but he is constantly lashing out at me. He even accuses me of things like „You didn’t like it that I called my mom every day, right? That was too much for you, wasn’t it?“ Which 1. is SO not true at all, that thought never even crossed my mind, because 2. I also call my mom every day! I don’t understand where all his accusations come from. It hurts me deeply, because I cared for his mom in the weeks before her death and held her hand in the hospital a few hours before she passed away. I might not completely understand his pain, but it’s not like I was an outsider or not involved these past months. Sometimes when my boyfriend talks to me, I feel so much hate in his voice. And I just don’t understand it. 

Today he told me that he wants to change his field of work, which would mean 3 years of extremely low paid work experience (like $1000 a month!), followed by 2 years of night school. And maybe in 5-6 years he would be able to open his own business. I want my boyfriend to be happy, and I do think that this new profession would make him happy. But before everything happened, we were talking about finally getting married when the pandemic is over. Building a house (we already have lots of catalogs at home and were in the process of deciding which company we want to go with) and lastly, having children. When I tried to bring it up, that our plans actually were very different and that we couldn’t afford a house if he changes jobs all of the sudden, he shuts the conversation down. He is not even willing to discuss our future and he’s also not answering my questions when I directly ask him if he stopped wanting the future we were planning. He just says he wants a job that makes him happy. 

I have to be honest, at this point I don’t know if he even wants to be in a relationship with me anymore. It already feels like we stopped being a couple. Which just surprises me so much. We were happy before it happened. Even as we knew what was coming, he still was very kind to me, thanking me over and over again for my support and for being there for his mom. I just don’t understand what happened in the past weeks and what I did wrong for him to be like this.

I lost my mother nearly 3 years ago and our relationship was both very close but also very tense at times. Even so, and even after all this time, knowing that others still have their mothers, particularly those closest to me, stings a bit, especially during really tough times where I am in need of my mother. His anger may be more about the fact that you still have your mother and can call her every day and he can’t do the same. Projecting the hurt of his now unfulfillable wishes onto you and your existing relationship with your mother. I never feel angry for others still having their mothers but I do feel hurt and it does sting a little. I imagine is it even worse for your partner who was very close to his mother.

He isn’t in a place right now to talk about the future as he is still experiencing present time trauma/grief that he has to work through. I don’t know really how to advise you, but perhaps I was able to offer you a little understanding and insight into how your partner might be feeling.

[LotusBlack]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How old is he? How long have you been dating?

His mother's death is not the issue. This crumbling relationship is.

You're completely incompatible. He seems to just want out. He has "hate in his voice" because he's grieving, angry and unfortunately resents you.

This has been going on for a while now. Your smothering him like this simply exacerbates an already conflicted situation.

Step way back from this. Stop trying to "comfort" him. It's suffocating. 

 

Wiseman, the OP never stated anything that suggests their relationship was crumbling prior to her bf’s mother’s death. Quite the opposite. Nor does it appear she was “smothering” him. It’s human nature to want to comfort your grieving partner and perhaps his way of grieving requires a different sort of support; I would not automatically confuse what she is doing with smothering necessarily, but perhaps she should step back entirely and let him direct how he wants to grieve. That is what the OP is here to seek advice on, but I’m sure she could probably do without the assumptions you’ve made.

[Rose Mosse]

This is just a hunch but the death of his mum might have triggered a great deal of concern for his own future security and uncertainty about providing for himself or a potential family. Can you identify why he feels uncertain about his current career path? Do you share the same uncertainties as him in his current position or industry?

He shouldn't be lashing out at you but he could be under a lot of pressure with too much happening at once and really be suffering from a lot of uncertainty and low self-worth regarding where he's at in terms of his career. 

You shouldn't put yourself at greater risk (marrying someone or getting a mortgage) under circumstances like these. It's too risky for you and the relationship is not stable. He is not happy enough with his life to support those kinds of commitments. I think you should step back, take a good look at whether this is for you. Maybe this might uncover whether you're wanting those things more than the relationship - very uneasy and uncomfortable things to explore but now might be the time.

 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

Wiseman......

My post was intended for the OP.

[ChasingHope]

Hi OP:

First, please don't let anyone gaslight you in to thinking you have done anything wrong ("smothering") or try to convince you your relationship was "crumbling" before this tragedy.

My best friend lost her father a few years ago and it was devastating for her.  It impacted all areas of her life, including her marriage.  She adores her husband, but their relationship went through a dark period due to her deep mourning.  It wasn't until she sought help externally through counseling that she was able to start to deal with her grief.  Even now 3 years later it is still a process for her and one she deals with daily.

I can't imagine the pain your boyfriend is going through as my mother is one of the most important people in my life.  The advice I can offer after watching my best friend go through the loss of a parent is to encourage your boyfriend to seek outside counseling/help, grief support groups, etc.  As much as you love him and want to help, these individuals are professionals and can offer ways for him to deal with his grief.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/22/2021 at 6:08 AM, skyty said:

We lost my boyfriends mom 3 months ago.

I have to be honest, at this point I don’t know if he even wants to be in a relationship with me anymore. It already feels like we stopped being a couple. 

Agree that 3 mos is long time to keep pushing you away. But you saw the writing on the wall a while ago:

 

[skyty]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree that 3 mos is long time to keep pushing you away. But you saw the writing on the wall a while ago:

 

Well yes, I saw the writing on the wall ever since it happened. Not one second before that. His behavioural change is 100% related to this awful tragedy. We had a solid relationship, there was nothing crumbling or me suffocating him with my love. We were in a healthy relationship. 

[skyty]

20 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

This is just a hunch but the death of his mum might have triggered a great deal of concern for his own future security and uncertainty about providing for himself or a potential family. Can you identify why he feels uncertain about his current career path? Do you share the same uncertainties as him in his current position or industry?

He shouldn't be lashing out at you but he could be under a lot of pressure with too much happening at once and really be suffering from a lot of uncertainty and low self-worth regarding where he's at in terms of his career. 

You shouldn't put yourself at greater risk (marrying someone or getting a mortgage) under circumstances like these. It's too risky for you and the relationship is not stable. He is not happy enough with his life to support those kinds of commitments. I think you should step back, take a good look at whether this is for you. Maybe this might uncover whether you're wanting those things more than the relationship - very uneasy and uncomfortable things to explore but now might be the time.

 

You could be right... he worked/works in an industry that was hit badly by the pandemic. For the last 12 years he was self employed and for the most part his business was doing very well. But then Covid happened and he lost all his contracts. Im Dezember, before she got diagnosed, he started a course for an higher education degree related to his field of work. His mom was so happy! But with everything that happened he didn’t think he could finish it and dropped out. The next course starts in June or July, so he could finish what he started. 
 

I think it is a realistic possibility that he would be able to provide very well for a family after these 5-6 years in this new industry. Maybe that is his thought process. I know he feels like a failure because the pandemic basically crushed his business. Which is just not his fault at all and I tell him all the time. But I know he is afraid of this scenario happening again. 
 

The thing is, I always wanted a family. Like I never not wanted to have children. But I was also very happy with my job and working a lot etc and then we got together, moved in together and I realised that all I really want in life is having my own family with my boyfriend. I actually can’t picture myself having children with anyone else. I fell in love with the thought of a house, children and a loving family ever since he told me that he loves me.

[skyty]

22 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

I lost my mother nearly 3 years ago and our relationship was both very close but also very tense at times. Even so, and even after all this time, knowing that others still have their mothers, particularly those closest to me, stings a bit, especially during really tough times where I am in need of my mother. His anger may be more about the fact that you still have your mother and can call her every day and he can’t do the same. Projecting the hurt of his now unfulfillable wishes onto you and your existing relationship with your mother. I never feel angry for others still having their mothers but I do feel hurt and it does sting a little. I imagine is it even worse for your partner who was very close to his mother.

He isn’t in a place right now to talk about the future as he is still experiencing present time trauma/grief that he has to work through. I don’t know really how to advise you, but perhaps I was able to offer you a little understanding and insight into how your partner might be feeling.

I’m very sorry for your loss! Maybe that also plays a part in all this... I know he loves my mom and a few days after his mom passed, he also said „Now our children only have one grandma on earth“. But maybe it’s also why he distances himself from me so drastically and spends all his time with his dad and sister. They‘re in this together, they experience the exact same loss and grief... Like I said I also try to understand him. But yeah it hurts that he just pushes me away and lost all his feelings....

[Rose Mosse]

12 minutes ago, skyty said:

You could be right... he worked/works in an industry that was hit badly by the pandemic. For the last 12 years he was self employed and for the most part his business was doing very well. But then Covid happened and he lost all his contracts. Im Dezember, before she got diagnosed, he started a course for an higher education degree related to his field of work. His mom was so happy! But with everything that happened he didn’t think he could finish it and dropped out. The next course starts in June or July, so he could finish what he started. 
 

I think it is a realistic possibility that he would be able to provide very well for a family after these 5-6 years in this new industry. Maybe that is his thought process. I know he feels like a failure because the pandemic basically crushed his business. Which is just not his fault at all and I tell him all the time. But I know he is afraid of this scenario happening again. 
 

The thing is, I always wanted a family. Like I never not wanted to have children. But I was also very happy with my job and working a lot etc and then we got together, moved in together and I realised that all I really want in life is having my own family with my boyfriend. I actually can’t picture myself having children with anyone else. I fell in love with the thought of a house, children and a loving family ever since he told me that he loves me.

It's good that you recognize what you want but it's also a lot of pressure to place on someone who's life appears to be cracking or crumbling. He's starting again from the ground up in a new career so if both of you want the same things, now's the time to reaffirm those similar goals. Instead, what he's doing is pushing you away and tearing you apart.

Having lost family members, yes, I can attest to feeling down, devastated, angry (tremendous anger at the universe, God, people, things, the sky etc. whatever got in my way) but I didn't take it out on my spouse and I didn't blame him for the loss of anyone. I might have withdrawn a bit but I didn't lash out. The way he treats you is as if he does not want you in his life because you add too much pressure in the wrong ways to him. It doesn't feel right.

If both of you are invested in the relationship, have that discussion on marriage and kids. I do not think that you need to put your life on hold. Someone who loves you or understands you will at least have a fraction of the patience remaining in them to listen to you and afford you that kind of consideration you deserve because that person also understands and respects that you have goals, opinions, your biological clock is ticking or is at least mindful that you have a life to live and are juggling different things such as your own career and finances. He's with you because he loves you, doesn't he? It's not because he has to be with you - at least I hope not. 

 

[tattoobunnie]

He just lost his mom, and you keep pressing on your future together?

3 months is not a lot of time to decompress and process the loss of a loved one.  I would just back off, and stop making him grieve the way you would.  Grief is an individual journey.

Take time to do your own things.  Focus on your own pursuits.  If you two are no longer acting as a couple, and making decisions together, take a time out.  Maybe it's over, maybe it's just on hiatus.  Either way, you are not anyone's punching bag.

BTW, you don't need a house to get married. You don't need a house to have kids.

[Hollyj]

Grief is never an excuse to be abusive.  Ever!   Is he open to bereavement counseling?  

You should really consider if you want to be the main bread winner for the next 10 years.  Is this something you are open to? This is a huge decision and affects you both.  

When I lost my brother and father, I was not resentful of friends who had a sibling and father.  I get depression, but not mistreatment.  

If the abuse continues, I suggest you move out, as he is not allowed to treat you like his emotional punching bag.