Am I Married to a Narcissist/ Spiritual Awakening

[Lisa Love]

So here it goes. The past year I’ve had a spiritual awakening. But what I didn’t expect was to learn so much about Narcissistic Abuse. My entire family is narcissistic so much so that some of them refer to themselves as psychopaths. I myself am an Empath. Now I’m trying to figure out who my husband actually is. In 4 years I’ve never actually had a conversation with any of the women in his family. When we’re around his mom he translates from Arabic to English but the convo is so superficial I feel emotionally drained by the end of it. As soon as we sit down they just start speaking in their language as if I’m not even there. I’m the one that intitiates the “how are you” convo with his mom. My husband acts like I should just accept it and stop complaining about it. I’m starting to wonder if he and his mom are plotting against me. He even said something really strange. He said when we move closer to my mom I can even go over and sleep over to my moms house. when we go out to eat with my just us at dinner he never ever has an intimate conversation with me. I’m even beginning to think he’s been cheating in our relationship the entire time. He doesn’t validate any of my concerns and gives me the silent treatment if I push too far. I feel like I’m losing my mind. My own family is extremely invalidating. Please help. 

[Wiseman2]

Is divorce allowed in your culture/country?

Do you work? Take your child and stay with trusted friends until you can contact an attorney and file for divorce.

[lostandhurt]

It looks to me like you may be seeing things that are or aren't really there as far as plotting against you and cheating.  Are you looking for problems?  Because if you are you will find them, even in the best relationship.

  What you described doesn't necessarily mean he is a narcissistic.  Putting labels on things and people is very common these days but it rarely helps solve the issue at hand.  What you described does not sound like a good marriage at all through.  We cannot really help unless you tell us the situation.

How long did you date before marriage?  What religions are each of you?  Is he abusive verbally or physically?  Does he control who your friends are, what you wear?  Try to describe the relationship the best you can.

Lost

[tattoobunnie]

Learn Arabic.  Take classes as many as you can.

[Rose Mosse]

You don't need to diagnose anyone or find big psychological words.

Just figure out and pinpoint what you disagree with in the marriage, think about whether there's possibility for change or negotiation or if it's past that point or an abusive situation where you can't get through or are working an uphill battle constantly.

You mentioned the relationship with him and his mother. Do you get along with anyone else in the family? What other examples would you have for his mother turning against you or being against you? Have you always not gotten along? What's changed if anything's changed over the years? 

You also mentioned him not valuing or acknowledging your concerns.. what concerns? Can you be more specific? If you can't have a conversation with your spouse or there's no truth/lack of honesty or openness, those are things you should be thinking about if you're thinking of walking away. 

 

[Mel11]

I am in the same situation and understand everything you are saying and can relate. I put down ground rules not to speak in his mother tongue around me. It is rude. Sometimes it worked and most times not. Patriachal men can wear on your self esteem. Let me guess. Everything otherwise is a secret by omission or silence to keep you off balance. It hurts and if anyone understands it is me. It's a huge cultural issue and psychological torture. My heart goes out to you. Was in the same boat and finding my life raft. Hurts too much,

[Lisa Love]

1 hour ago, Mel11 said:

I am in the same situation and understand everything you are saying and can relate. I put down ground rules not to speak in his mother tongue around me. It is rude. Sometimes it worked and most times not. Patriachal men can wear on your self esteem. Let me guess. Everything otherwise is a secret by omission or silence to keep you off balance. It hurts and if anyone understands it is me. It's a huge cultural issue and psychological torture. My heart goes out to you. Was in the same boat and finding my life raft. Hurts too much,

I don’t mind if they speak in their language. But when you’re not included At All in the conversations it’s so disrespectful and makes me feel awkward. Like I don’t know what to say my anxiety level go up. We’ve never had an actual human conversation past how are you. His sisters are so hateful one of them threw a “you’re fat” underhanded comment after I gave birth. I’m resenting my husband more and more everyday because he just doesn’t seem to give a *** and talks about his family like they’re not a bunch of evil bullies. That’s why I feel like at this point I’m just being gaslighted and my feelings will never get validated as long as I’m with him. I do feel exhausted, sleep deprived and it’s just an uphill battle. 

[Lisa Love]

5 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

It looks to me like you may be seeing things that are or aren't really there as far as plotting against you and cheating.  Are you looking for problems?  Because if you are you will find them, even in the best relationship.

  What you described doesn't necessarily mean he is a narcissistic.  Putting labels on things and people is very common these days but it rarely helps solve the issue at hand.  What you described does not sound like a good marriage at all through.  We cannot really help unless you tell us the situation.

How long did you date before marriage?  What religions are each of you?  Is he abusive verbally or physically?  Does he control who your friends are, what you wear?  Try to describe the relationship the best you can.

Lost

So what makes me think he’s cheating is he takes his phone to the bathroom all the time, he all of the sudden steps outside for a cigarette more than usual, our sex life has decreased, and he comments about other hot women in front of me all the time. He says it as a joke but it’s not a joke when you do it every chance you get. If I ask a direct question he doesn’t give me reassurance. And overall it’s just that gut feeling that something is really wrong. 

[Mel11]

I know dear and quite frankly that comment about your weight, if you can believe this, was cruel but sadly to her probably just an observation. In the culture mine is from, his elderly mother told his best friend "who is ever going to want you, youre fat". I was mortified. You know what I was told? That it was to speak of out of compassion as to why he was single and what he could do to change it. That thinking is part of the lack of empathy. No clue, hurtful, uneducated and cruel. I was in disbelief. There is no need to state any such fact that shames. But in his culture sharing is meant to improve. Like what beautiful woman as yourself needed to know that she had baby weight? I'm so sorry you are going through this. It helped me to read scholarly articles of gender differences in his culture and very validating and empowering. I suggest that you might do the same as it may help empower you and see that much of this is cultural and perhaps not in alignment with your core beliefs and values. Much Love and a big hug to you. Going through it too and alone and this forum is helping a great deal.  

[Lisa Love]

That’s exactly it. Cruelty. How can we justify cruelty with a cultural difference. Trust me she said it out of spite. You’re right these are not my Core Values and idk what I’m going to do from here but if there’s a way out I don’t think I would care if the relationship ended. We try to understand them they should also try to understand us. Respect is truly a two way street. 

[maritalbliss86]

6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

How long did you date before marriage?  What religions are each of you?  Is he abusive verbally or physically?  Does he control who your friends are, what you wear?  Try to describe the relationship the best you can.

 

It'd be nice if you could answer Lost's questions... would help us understand more of the behaviors in your actual relationship.

[nicolas174]

lol, if you love your husband, be interested in his language and try to understand their dialect.