40 y/o man led me on. Found out he has a girlfriend.

[OhReallyJan]

Y’all...I just really need to vent because I can’t even believe there are people out in the world who do this to other people.

In early January, a guy messaged me on Facebook after I left a comment on his band’s Facebook page.  We get to chatting and find out we have a lot in common. I’m recently divorced, but haven’t actively been dating. I figured if someone showed up in my life I would go with the flow.

He lives 1000 miles away but is originally from where I live, and has plans to move back once he receives the COVID vaccination. He said he had only planned to stay out there for 6 months, but then the pandemic happened so it left him in a holding pattern. He tells me he moved out of the state after ending a 10 year relationship. 

So we had been communicating daily, and he came in pretty strong. Some of our conversations turned sexual. We shared photos and there was definitely a mutual attraction. He started future planning: told me how he wants to go camping with me, and have movie marathons, and that he can’t wait to meet me. He basically made it seem like we were each other’s soulmates.

The whole time though, something just wasn’t sitting right with me. He wouldn’t talk on the phone, and would only communicate via Google hangouts (after we had moved the chats off Facebook messenger at his request). I kept thinking it was odd that he was waiting until he got vaccinated to move, seeing as plenty of people have moved during the pandemic. 

Due to my concerns and red flag alarms going off, I asked that we cease communication for the time being, but if he ended up visiting or moving back we could pick up from there. I told him I had been played in the past, so I was a bit on guard. He got really upset, told me I hurt him so bad and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to remain in contact. He was offended that I thought he was a player.  I told him I didn’t want to get attached only to be disappointed if it turned out he never moves back. After some serious begging on his part, I agreed to remain friendly with him, but asked that he cut back on writing to me so that I don’t get my hopes up.

I still wasn’t feeling right about the whole thing, so last week I decided to search his name on Facebook. I ended up finding pictures that he was tagged in - but these pictures were not displayed on his profile. Come to find out, he’s been in a relationship with a girl for over a year, she’s tagged him in a bunch of kissy lovey dovey photos, and it also appears he moved out of state to live with this girl! Her profile picture is of the two of them - and was updated a few days before he connected with me on Facebook.

I was beyond furious, but decided to wait until he messaged me to let him have it. First thing the next morning he messaged me and I responded that I knew he had a girlfriend and that it was a really crappy thing for him to string me along while semi-cheating on this poor girl. I was polite but firm, saying I hope he finds what he’s looking for and that he should work on finding happiness within his current relationship. I then blocked him.

But seriously what the hell? I honestly think he moved out of state to mooch off his current girlfriend, realized it’s not working out, and is now trying to move back here by buttering me up so he has a place to live.

I just honestly cannot believe a 40 year old man would pull this kind of crap! I’m not hurt or broken, I’m just dumbfounded! 

[Beatriz]

I'm sorry this happened, there is for really some crappie people in this world. Is strange how you always think things only to others people. I'm glad you found the truth out.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry to hear this.. he sounds like a run of the mill regular leech. Good for you for remaining cautious and not lapping up all that nonsense from him. Take your time dating. 

[Hollyj]

One can be a cheater at any age.  

In the future, don't over invest in a stranger.  If you cannot meet in two weeks time, move on.  Also, the fact that there was no virtual visits should be a red flag.  

As you can see, it is easy to sit behind a screen and pretend you are someone you are not.   Date local!

[Tinydance]

I don't think you should reply to people on Facebook that you don't know and have no mutual friends with or anything like that. More often than not people who start talking to a total stranger on Facebook are weird or have something to hide. I've actually had it happen to me as well. 

The guy is clearly a scumbag and he's also very manipulative. Sounds like a sociopath even! He has some nerve telling you that you really hurt him by thinking he's a player. But he IS a player and a cheater! I think he has no conscience and is some kind of sociopath or narcissist.

[OhReallyJan]

15 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

One can be a cheater at any age.  

In the future, don't over invest in a stranger.  If you cannot meet in two weeks time, move on.  Also, the fact that there was no virtual visits should be a red flag.  

As you can see, it is easy to sit behind a screen and pretend you are someone you are not.   Date local!

Oh I wasn’t invested at all. I knew something was off. I’m just appalled at the audacity of this man. I certainly dodged a bullet!

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

One can be a cheater at any age.  

In the future, don't over invest in a stranger.  If you cannot meet in two weeks time, move on.  Also, the fact that there was no virtual visits should be a red flag.  

As you can see, it is easy to sit behind a screen and pretend you are someone you are not.   Date local!

I agree -why didn't you search him earlier than you did? Especially if you were going to send him photos?Many strangers lie about all sorts of things on Facebook.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.  

[Hollyj]

5 minutes ago, OhReallyJan said:

Oh I wasn’t invested at all. I knew something was off. I’m just appalled at the audacity of this man. I certainly dodged a bullet!

You communicated daily for almost two months, for me that is a big investment.   This is why is good to meet someone early, then you can try to narrow the chance that you have a sleaze bag.   

Sorry this happened.

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, OhReallyJan said:

Oh I wasn’t invested at all. I knew something was off. I’m just appalled at the audacity of this man. I certainly dodged a bullet!

I mean he was having fun chatting with a stranger - he didn't meet you -and for all you know he and his girlfriend have an open relationship.

[OhReallyJan]

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I don't think you should reply to people on Facebook that you don't know and have no mutual friends with or anything like that. More often than not people who start talking to a total stranger on Facebook are weird or have something to hide. I've actually had it happen to me as well. 

The guy is clearly a scumbag and he's also very manipulative. Sounds like a sociopath even! He has some nerve telling you that you really hurt him by thinking he's a player. But he IS a player and a cheater! I think he has no conscience and is some kind of sociopath or narcissist.

We have mutual friends.

[Batya33]

Just now, OhReallyJan said:

We have mutual friends.

Mutual friends in real life?  And you didn't ask the mutual friends about him before spending months chatting and sexting?  My sense of this is - you were having fun sexting and liked the attention so you didn't focus much on whether he was actually available for a potential date in the future.  At some point you did care but it was much later on.  

[OhReallyJan]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree -why didn't you search him earlier than you did? Especially if you were going to send him photos?Many strangers lie about all sorts of things on Facebook.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.  

We were friends on Facebook and the photos I found were not on his profile. She tagged him in photos, but he chose not to have them display on his profile. They do however show up in search.

[OhReallyJan]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Mutual friends in real life?  And you didn't ask the mutual friends about him before spending months chatting and sexting?  My sense of this is - you were having fun sexting and liked the attention so you didn't focus much on whether he was actually available for a potential date in the future.  At some point you did care but it was much later on.  

I did ask, but they haven’t spoken to him in years. 

[Batya33]

Just now, OhReallyJan said:

We were friends on Facebook and the photos I found were not on his profile. She tagged him in photos, but he chose not to have them display on his profile. They do however show up in search.

Yes.  Those photos were available to you the entire time.  You chose to take the risk that this stranger was not who he seemed because the benefits -the fun, attention, flattery -were worth it.  For all you know he and his significant other get off on each other chatting up and sexting strangers. 

[OhReallyJan]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  Those photos were available to you the entire time.  You chose to take the risk that this stranger was not who he seemed because the benefits -the fun, attention, flattery -were worth it.  For all you know he and his significant other get off on each other chatting up and sexting strangers. 

Does it really matter that I didn’t search earlier? It doesn’t. I found them a month later. Again, they don’t show up on his profile and I didn’t really care all that much to search until he got upset with me for thinking he was a player. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, OhReallyJan said:

I did ask, but they haven’t spoken to him in years. 

So one mutual friend you haven't spoken to in years.  Not "friends" and not people who could vouch for him.   keep changing the story.  I don't see you as a victim here, sorry - you knew what the risks were and you took them  Now you're mad because you started feeling attached to the attention and only then did you care to check him out a bit more.  Most people I know who have any plan of meeting someone either meet in a public place ASAP for coffee and do general safety screening - and if they like the person and want to go on a real date they do their best to make sure the person is available to date.  I met over 100 men in person through on line sites.  I have a number of online penpals -women -I'm married - and I don't share overly personal information if we don't have actual mutual friends.  And of course it's safer with a platonic interaction with someone of the same gender. 

[OhReallyJan]

Just now, Batya33 said:

So one mutual friend you haven't spoken to in years.  Not "friends" and not people who could vouch for him.   keep changing the story.  I don't see you as a victim here, sorry - you knew what the risks were and you took them  Now you're mad because you started feeling attached to the attention and only then did you care to check him out a bit more.  Most people I know who have any plan of meeting someone either meet in a public place ASAP for coffee and do general safety screening - and if they like the person and want to go on a real date they do their best to make sure the person is available to date.  I met over 100 men in person through on line sites.  I have a number of online penpals -women -I'm married - and I don't share overly personal information if we don't have actual mutual friends.  And of course it's safer with a platonic interaction with someone of the same gender. 

Wow you are really rude for literally no reason. I am not painting myself as a victim. I am venting because a 40 year old man thinks he can game women online. Like I don’t understand why you are getting hostile because I didn’t search his name quickly enough. We have 3 mutual friends. Not even relevant. You sound miserable and bored and totally not helpful.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, OhReallyJan said:

Does it really matter that I didn’t search earlier? It doesn’t. I found them a month later. Again, they don’t show up on his profile and I didn’t really care all that much to search until he got upset with me for thinking he was a player. 

Right. You didn't care.  So you didn't care for a month whether you were sexting with a married man.  Now you're mad that he didn't tell you he was married.  Why should he?  He never met you.  He enjoyed the attention, he made you no concrete promises and you had no actual plans to meet.  His wife/GF might be fine with him chatting up strangers -you don't know because you didn't ask, you didn't care.  Where's the audacity -a stranger is entitled to assume that it's all fantasy/play especially if the other person is willing to send photos - sure he could have told you he had a girlfriend but you didn't ask either.  And he wasn't asking you out on a date -he was full of fantasy words.

[OhReallyJan]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Right. You didn't care.  So you didn't care for a month whether you were sexting with a married man.  Now you're mad that he didn't tell you he was married.  Why should he?  He never met you.  He enjoyed the attention, he made you no concrete promises and you had no actual plans to meet.  His wife/GF might be fine with him chatting up strangers -you don't know because you didn't ask, you didn't care.  Where's the audacity -a stranger is entitled to assume that it's all fantasy/play especially if the other person is willing to send photos - sure he could have told you he had a girlfriend but you didn't ask either.  And he wasn't asking you out on a date -he was full of fantasy words.

Ok so why are you mad about this? I sent him fully clothed photos. Stop assuming things. We talked for a month. A whole month. Zero investment on my part. Again stop making assumptions. 

[OhReallyJan]

Just now, OhReallyJan said:

Ok so why are you mad about this? I sent him fully clothed photos. Stop assuming things. We talked for a month. A whole month. Zero investment on my part. Again stop making assumptions. 

And he’s not married, where did I even say that? 

[OhReallyJan]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right. You didn't care.  So you didn't care for a month whether you were sexting with a married man.  Now you're mad that he didn't tell you he was married.  Why should he?  He never met you.  He enjoyed the attention, he made you no concrete promises and you had no actual plans to meet.  His wife/GF might be fine with him chatting up strangers -you don't know because you didn't ask, you didn't care.  Where's the audacity -a stranger is entitled to assume that it's all fantasy/play especially if the other person is willing to send photos - sure he could have told you he had a girlfriend but you didn't ask either.  And he wasn't asking you out on a date -he was full of fantasy words.

And where did I even say he was married? He’s not, that I know. My mutual friends all said he was a good guy too, but keep making assumptions. 

[OhReallyJan]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So one mutual friend you haven't spoken to in years.  Not "friends" and not people who could vouch for him.   keep changing the story.  I don't see you as a victim here, sorry - you knew what the risks were and you took them  Now you're mad because you started feeling attached to the attention and only then did you care to check him out a bit more.  Most people I know who have any plan of meeting someone either meet in a public place ASAP for coffee and do general safety screening - and if they like the person and want to go on a real date they do their best to make sure the person is available to date.  I met over 100 men in person through on line sites.  I have a number of online penpals -women -I'm married - and I don't share overly personal information if we don't have actual mutual friends.  And of course it's safer with a platonic interaction with someone of the same gender. 

It’s very apparent you didn’t even read what I wrote! If you did, you’d see that he lives 1,000 miles away, so we couldn’t meet ASAP. You assumed he was married, when I never even said he was. You assumed we had no mutual friends, then when I said we did, you assumed we had 1, when in fact we have 3 mutual friends. How about reading what people actually post before dishing out terrible advice?  Yikes. 

[Tinydance]

Well I think obviously the majority of fault here is with the guy but I just think you need to re-assess what you're really looking for in dating and relationships. I don't actually know what you're looking for so I don't know if your own behaviour was consistent with what you want out of dating. I think if you want a boyfriend then talking to a guy, single or not, who lives so far away and it's not possible to meet and he says he won't move until COVID is over, is kinda pointless. Even if he didn't have a girlfriend but why spend all this time messaging him when you can't meet and you actually don't know when and if you'll ever meet. And because that person can't (or doesn't want) to meet, you can't really find anything out about them in real life and try to get a sense or "vibe" of that person. As you realised, online it's so easy to lie, not accept Facebook tags, put up fake pictures, do whatever you want really. Not to mention some people are just weird or have issues and they can easily hide that online.

If you just want to chat to guys and flirt and get attention then yeah talking to guys just on social media does serve that purpose. If you want to actually date though you can use online dating to meet guys or things like Meetup.com and through friends and events, etc.

[SooSad33]

You're surprised they do this.. at this age?  Don't be.

There's all kinds!  Everywhere.. this was just a lesson for you.

And all those dating sites - same thing.  Many just want to hook up.. many also in relationships and at every age!

I agree... the idiot replied to you on how you hurt him?  pathetic reaction, if he's been leading you on and failing to admit he is actually involved.

What I kinda find interesting is WHY he'd go this far & for so long with you- when his gal posted a pic of the two of them on her profile, just before he started all of this with you.. wow, low man 😞 

So, just be cautious out there... guys luv the ego boost (occasionally women as well, of course).

[OhReallyJan]

12 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

You're surprised they do this.. at this age?  Don't be.

There's all kinds!  Everywhere.. this was just a lesson for you.

And all those dating sites - same thing.  Many just want to hook up.. many also in relationships and at every age!

I agree... the idiot replied to you on how you hurt him?  pathetic reaction, if he's been leading you on and failing to admit he is actually involved.

What I kinda find interesting is WHY he'd go this far & for so long with you- when his gal posted a pic of the two of them on her profile, just before he started all of this with you.. wow, low man 😞 

So, just be cautious out there... guys luv the ego boost (occasionally women as well, of course).

I even told him in my kiss-off message that I was not going to hang around and be an ego boost for him. So funny you bring that up!! He’s just so sleazy, I considered messaging his girlfriend but I don’t want to get anymore involved than I was. I’m recently divorced so this is all very new to me, but I’m gonna stay single. This is just bananas that people are like this.