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In marriage counseling, don't know where to go from here


LostWifeandMom

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We've been married for 7 years, dating for 2 prior. We had little ups and downs, but nothing that raised any red flags or wasn't manageable through communication. 2 years ago though, I gave birth to our son, and after things changed. He was a good dad, and although I did have to ask sometimes for him to do his share of the baby or house care, he would start doing it when I brought it up. 

 
Eventually though about 6 months in, his moods started to change. He just never had a good day. And on not good days, I wasn't allowed to have a good day. He'd find something to criticize or snap at me about and ruin any good days I'd been having. I felt like I was walking on eggshells just to make sure I didn't do anything wrong but every bad mood was somehow my fault. I had a talk with him about how I was unhappy with that, and he said he was just depressed. I asked him to go to indivudual counseling and he said no. I gave it time and it was okay for a bit but then the same thing kept happening, and he always either said he was stressed with work or depressed. I'd say we had at least 5 talks where I said I was unhappy and needed change.
 
Finally, this Thanksgiving I just snapped. He'd was stressed about the holiday (even though it was just the three of us at home with me cooking because of pandemic) and he made me feel like an idiot because I accidently burned part of the turkey. I'd been living for a year and a half feeling like my self worth and ability to be happy was just broken and idk but that was the final straw. All of the past just clicked into place. I asked for divorce. He asked for marriage counseling and agreed to see an individual therapist too. I said okay.
 
Therapy is going okay in that I feel like we are really talking out these issues and he's finally understanding what he did all this time.  He seems genuinely regretful. But I'm scared it's going to end up being the same thing again in a few years. I don't know how to relearn to trust him again, and honestly I'm not sure I want to. Which I feel terrible about because I never wanted a split home for my son and I could be okay (maybe not happy but fine) staying. I committed to trying but I just am so lost.
 
So I guess does anyone have an advice or been here before? Is there any coming back from this?
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I’m hoping some more folks chime in with more better advice conducive to growing stronger together but I still want to leave this here. These could all be true things, you two love each other a lot, you’re both doing the right work to try and heal the rift between you, and, your partner left his depression untreated so long his actions caused cracks to the foundation of the relationship that cannot be repaired. 
 

I think you’ll know in your gut if that last one is the truth of it. Especially if you hang in there longer and this feeling doesn’t fade for you.

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3 hours ago, LostWifeandMom said:

I asked for divorce. He asked for marriage counseling and agreed to see an individual therapist too. I said okay.

What else changed 6 mos after your child was born? Finances? Sex? Work?  He may become abusive again there are no guarantees.

Do not lock yourself into putting up with affairs (very probable given his checked out behavior and extremely common after babies), abusive etc. to keep the family together.

You need to get much much busier and much much more mysterious.  Take the child out with you. Visit family and friends. Go back to work, work from home, etc. Stop doing all the housework, get out of mommy mode this much. 

Get in shape, buy new outfits. make him wonder. Be out a lot. Just stay I'm leave see you later. Stop begging most of all stop empty threats of divorce. Stop being a doormat.  Get individual therapy and consult an attorney but Do Not Tell Him This. simply inform yourself.

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Why not bring your concern up in therapy? They can't help you if you keep something like this inside. This is important, and the only way to work through it is with your therapist and him.

You have to be truthful and express yourself in order to make it worth your while. It's gonna take time yes. You will be into this for months, until everyone can learn to communicate and understand each other.

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You can't know the future. People are complex. Either the therapy will work for longterm results or it won't. Either he'll stay on antidepressants a lifetime or he won't. Your fear is natural, so go ahead and feel what you need to feel at the moment.

It's best to have a wait-and-see attitude. Take one day at a time. No need to make any harsh decision at the moment, is there? Unless all your love has been destroyed and it's too little too late. I probably would tell him that his behavior can never return to that negative state again because there won't be any more chances. You always have an out at any point in time, even if he's wonderful for two years and then goes off his meds at that point. Know you always have the power to act in your best interest if things go south again.

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I'm sorry to hear this. Is he on meds? You said he was seeing a therapist. Was he diagnosed with depression by a doctor? Your fears most definitely are valid if there are no real changes in the situation or you sense that there isn't enough change. 

You seem drained and fearful. Take care of yourself. Living in fear and anxiety of your surroundings and under prolonged stress can wreck havoc on your physical and mental health too. Don't be afraid to seek counseling or support also. 

Coming from a similar background I cannot tell you how much I empathize. Take care. 

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