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Why do I have to choose between my own life and the love of my life.. it`s just wrong.


4dvz

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Thank you for spending your valuable time in reading my post.

I`ve been together with her for about 4,5 years now. We live together, and have a seemingly great life even in my own mind. We do almost everything together (and I mean this in the most positive way thinkable). She is my best friend, and even after all these years we enjoy every day together. She is fun, beautiful, intelligent, trustworthy and I want to be with her forever.  I can`t find a single thing about her that I just would not love.

The severe issue is just that along the way we have travelled, it has many times become apparent that our ideal life is not the same. 

We have a few major issues without solutions that have been tearing a gap between our souls, if you could put it this way. And by involving the word souls here, I mean that I`m not sure if she is my soulmate anymore despite me wanting to be with her forever.

 

Our greatest issue is sex. I was a sexual freak before we met. It was a very strong driving force in my life. I used to aim for experiencing as much as possible, and enjoyed it very much. It was unnatural for me to stay a day without sex, or stick with the same routines. I always wanted more, and do it a bit different than last time. When we met she gave me the impression she has the same mindset. Before we moved in together I had a thorough conversation about this with her, because I was scared she would one day change and not want sex as much as she did back then. I have always had problems in this field in long term relationships, and I have learned that I`m incompatible with someone who is not as much into sex as I am. I told my fears for her, and she made me believe that I have nothing to fear. It didn`t take long until the same problems began though as in every other relationship as I`ve been in though. She stopped wanting sex as much as I, slowly. She also slowly stopped wanting any kinky stuff that I enjoy very much. Our sex life became boring for me, I had to slowly start forgetting everything I wanted regarding sex. I tried my best to give her time, pleasure, life without any stress for her, you name it. This concerns only sex, our level of intimacy and closeness in every other area is great. She always cuddles me the most loving way when we sleep and really wants to be close to me in general so she has never become distant other than sexually. We still have sex once a week, but she has made clear she does it only for me. It`s not spiritually fulfilling, nor sexually. It just makes me remember how much I want her. I tried to change myself to not want sex as much anymore, because I love her so much that it hurted me greatly to experience this with her.  In this very day I`m writing this post, I have given up after years of effort and there is a great conflict within me. I remember my old self every day when I look outside the window or into the mirror, and I just miss that feeling of being complete. Now I´m just continuously sad due for giving up the greatest pleasure. 

 

Second worst issue have been the fact that she wants to have male friends. I detest this, and I can`t even find words to describe how I feel about it after the issue above. These two issues (the one above) work very badly together in my mind. I made a stand back in days for either one of us not having friends from the opposite gender other than each other and we almost broke up. She has never understood me in this topic. She just always claims that I don`t trust her and acts all offended even though the level of "offended" in me is far deeper, thus resulting in huge fights where we both propably see each other being a complete moron. After fighting with her about this issue for an year almost every week, I gave up and let her have her male friends, yet being completely disgusted every time I see her phone vibrating from a message. I know she messages with her male friends a lot, and this makes me puke. I however know that she does nothing wrong in those discussions expect having them at all. I have a right to read her messages if I want to, any time, it has been the deal. Also I have a right to meet all her male friends if I wish, and I have met some too.  I have not asked to read the messages for a long time now, because I believe her story; She has no sexual desire towards her male friends at all. This I do not question. I however know that almost all those male friends most likely find her sexually appealing, and could try something if they had a right chance. I´m just deeply troubled by the whole scheme, and find it very uncomfortable even though I trust her intentions to be what she tells me. I just don`t understand why I have to go through this at all, it`s just pure madness for me and a situation I thought I would never be in because any other situation like this in my past life would result in me walking away. The worst thing about all this is that I can`t even try to live the same life as she does in this area, because if I would try to get a female friend she would find that wrong due to fact that all her male friends are from her life before we even met. She has stated that if I try to get a female friend, she perceives this as a revenge and will get more new male friends as a retaliation. This makes me feel like she just undermines me as a man, even though I have treated her with the most respect for our whole time together. She wants to have her own rules and have me following them, not listening to mine. 

 

Third and the least of these issues (a major one still) is that I can`t live the life I want anymore. She knew before moving in with me about some of my ways of living that normal people would find rather strange. I have been going out, partying for 2 days in a row sometimes without sleeping. I have done literally anything my heart perceived like fun. I have not asked questions, I have experienced some always memorable adventures that have been genuinely bizarre unique and fun that left me feeling great for months. I was just awesome, and always in a good mood because there was nothing I couldn`t do. I felt immortal, I lived like a rockstar. My life was so enjoyable, and built just for me. I have still always taken care of my responsibilities, my finances etc well and the lifestyle never led me to any problems. It was just life of me, nothing bad into it really. These days she gets really anxious if I even mention about this kind of stuff, and basically forbids me from taking part in this kind of life anymore. She has mentioned that she has to leave the house if I do something like this because she would not be able to bear it. From her this is not a threat of break up, I know she would come back, but how am I supposed to enjoy whatever I would be doing if she feels like that. This all has led for me living a normal boring life, that eats away my soul more and more every day. 

 

If you believe breaking up would be instantly the right move here, trust me it`s not. I have never felt so loved as I do with her, and I honestly never have had as good friend as she is for me and I love her deeply. She gives me this warm feeling I like to call Home, a feeling I don´t think I have experienced since moving away from my childhood home. We also have many hobbies together, and our daily life is usually fun. Fun, but killingly normal lacking some factors that I value a lot in life. Continuing the way things are now is not a good move either, because I will regret it later in my life for sure. I also know I would regret walking away from her, I would smack myself every day for doing it afterwards and the missing would eat me up.

It`s Christmas time now, and these thoughts are basically everything I have. I wish I could just tell myself the words: Hey bro, your life is awesome. What fun stuff are you gonna come up with your holiday? That`s a thought I`m not able to have with the current state of things, no matter how much I try.

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Have you been to a doctor about all this? Talk about the hypersexuality and staying up for days in a row. Do you use any drugs or alcohol?

You astutely point out that this is a repetitive pattern for you.

Living together, getting bored and resenting settling in. Perhaps living alone to feed your sexuality would be the best option.

Keep in mind, her goals in life may be some sort of commitment and future or a family/life together, where yours is feeding your "freaky and kinky" sex drive.

This means you're basically incompatible with everyone you've gotten into a long term relationship with.

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53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you been to a doctor about all this? Talk about the hypersexuality and staying up for days in a row. Do you use any drugs or alcohol?

You astutely point out that this is a repetitive pattern for you.

Living together, getting bored and resenting settling in. Perhaps living alone to feed your sexuality would be the best option.

Keep in mind, her goals in life may be some sort of commitment and future or a family/life together, where yours is feeding your "freaky and kinky" sex drive.

This means you're basically incompatible with everyone you've gotten into a long term relationship with.

Thank you for the answer. I dont understand your point here however; Why would I need to see a doctor?

We have the same goals in committment, and family life in the future. Neither of us wants kids, and we are loyal to each other.
 

Why do you think I should not feed my freaky and kinky nature?

I dont have problems regarding any substance abuse, infact she drinks way more alcohol than me. Its not even comparable, I dont even like alcohol that much at all it just makes me feel dizzy. I would like to do something recreational every now and then which she knew before moving in with me, but she has deep issues with that even though she drinks very heavily sometimes. Im not making it an issue, i just make sure she gets home safely by picking her up every time she is out and put her into bed when she tries to sleep on the floor. This is not the greatest of our problems.

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There are some huge differences here.  This is not going to work and it is not a healthy relationship.

The sex life is a big problem.  She doesn't even seem to enjoy it.  You are definitely on a different page.  

The partying multiple days in a row is odd, unless you are still in college.  How does an adult function like this.  It sounds very immature and unacceptable. 

If anyone had told me that I could not have male friends, they would be out the door.   You sound very  insecure.  Deal breaker.  You DO NOT have a right to read her messages!   Are you her parent?!  This is controlling.  You should be meeting her friends and hanging out with them, not acting like this.  

She needs to deal with her alcohol issue.

I think that you would be better on your own.   Your lifestyle and demands are not reasonable.  I also suggest therapy for your insecurities and controlling ways. 

 

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5 hours ago, 4dvz said:

If you believe breaking up would be instantly the right move here, trust me it`s not.

Then you're just going to have to live with the fact that you two are fundamentally incompatible on some significant levels. 

You've been trying to shove a square peg into a round hole for a while now, and you can see that it's not working. It's not going to suddenly change. Either you or she will become even more resentful of the other. This is what happens when you refuse to see that you don't work that well as a long-term couple. 

Can't have it both ways. 

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2 hours ago, Hollyj said:

There are some huge differences here.  This is not going to work and it is not a healthy relationship.

The sex life is a big problem.  She doesn't even seem to enjoy it.  You are definitely on a different page.  

The partying multiple days in a row is odd, unless you are still in college.  How does an adult function like this.  It sounds very immature and unacceptable. 

If anyone had told me that I could not have male friends, they would be out the door.   You sound very  insecure.  Deal breaker.  You DO NOT have a right to read her messages!   Are you her parent?!  This is controlling.  You should be meeting her friends and hanging out with them, not acting like this.  

She needs to deal with her alcohol issue.

I think that you would be better on your own.   Your lifestyle and demands are not reasonable.  I also suggest therapy for your insecurities and controlling ways. 

 

Well, what can i say. Your view clearly do not match with mine at all and you propably thought that im a horrible person because of that. She loves me and knows I treat her with respect and love. I dont have any female friends either, and we all choose what is acceptable and what is not in our lives. I think you must live a pretty boring life based on your reply, maybe you are the one who should seek help in that issue. Please dont post more here.

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Then you're just going to have to live with the fact that you two are fundamentally incompatible on some significant levels. 

You've been trying to shove a square peg into a round hole for a while now, and you can see that it's not working. It's not going to suddenly change. Either you or she will become even more resentful of the other. This is what happens when you refuse to see that you don't work that well as a long-term couple. 

Can't have it both ways. 

This is what I kind of know to be true in general, but then again I love her way too much to want to think that way about us. We also have lots of good things between us, but yes these issues are quite big.. I have worked my own emotions in a way that does not lead into resenting her, but as time goes on this is of course a risk if things never change for better

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Good call, Holly. 

I knew this sounded familiar, especially the sexual issues. 

Its hard to believe im recognized like this in the Forum. Makes me think if I have seeked for help and relieve too many times here. I just really have nobody to talk to about this stuff and this Forum usually gives me atleast some answers. All others i have tried didnt really result in anything. 

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9 minutes ago, 4dvz said:

What on earth even made you go digging into them.. i dont even want to know, just dont reply anything anymore i hope i get some intelligent replies here..

Looks like I hit a sore spot: Truth.  

This will not work.   You have control, anger, entitlement, and  insecurity issues.   I am surprised she puts up with this garbage.   

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27 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Looks like I hit a sore spot: Truth.  

This will not work.   You have control, anger, entitlement, and  insecurity issues.   I am surprised she puts up with this garbage.   

Truth? You have really no idea what you are talking about at all.. im the one who puts up with sexual neglect, controlling and having to watch her write with other men regulary. 

You did not hit any truths, but yes hit a sore spot by spitting on my pain. I dont know you, but you made me feel terrible by blaming me with some narrow minded concepts of life, and that is why I got annoyed with you. 
 

Do you think Im not blaming myself for everything already? Yes i am, but not like you did. I blame myself for not making her want me more, and its breaking my heart every day. I blame myself for being a pu##y and just watch her write to other men and controlling me at the same time. I blame myself for putting myself in this situation. I blame myself for not being good enough for her to treat me better. I blame myself for not deserving better, because i know it must be me who does not deserve all these things because she is a genuinely good person within and im sure i would get better from her if i deserved it. 
 

Maybe you enjoy making people feel bad about themselves even more than they already do, when you see them speaking about their sorrows.

 

I hope all the best for you in your life, but please if you are just going to trash me dont reply anymore.

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No one is judging you here, best I can see, but just offering the best advice they can give. Your first post here—and, bear with me, others—are very good examples of what incompatibility looks like. Not judgement, again, but simply an observation. Sexually you don't connect, you have divergent views on opposite sex friendships, and, with her, you feel you've had to give up some essential activities that make you you.

Since you don't want to break up, I would try to find a way to come to peace with the idea that some part of you, for some reason, wants this tension and disconnect in your life, these gaps. Again, not judgement. At the end of the day we humans are pretty self-serving, so figure our what these tensions are serving in you and maybe it won't be so agonizing. (You may realize, for instance, that you want agony, to somehow be punished, or to seek some kind of ephemeral "reward" for sacrificing "in the name of love." It's not uncommon.) 

 

 

 

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I read your other threads and this is how I came to this conclusion.  Just because you do not like the feedback, does not mean it is judgmental.

If the situation is so bad, then end it.   It will not get better.   I'm sorry, but you are not a victim because you are not getting sex more than once a week.   I think that she feels worn down from your demands and has become resentful.   "Due to the constant distress I have been put by this situation, I have made a fool out of myself a great number of times. Unfortunately infront of her friends and family as well, as we have spent many alcohol infused nights together with everyone. I have no words to describe how bad it makes me feel. I have never been a jealous type of person, but this has just gone too far for me. Everytime I participate in a discussion where some other man gets to experience the kind of sex life I`m after, I can just feel the pressure exploding inside of me shouting out loud: Why am I treated so bad in my sexlife? This makes me say all kinds of idiotic sentences, no matter who is around.. And I just can`t help it. "

She is speaking to friends.  I don't see why that would be a problem.  It is healthy to have friends of both sexes.   By telling her she should not have male friends, you are telling her that you do not trust her.   Why are you so insecure? Thinking that you have a right to see someone's phone is controlling.  

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If someone has to change to be right for you, they're wrong for you. 

The two of you are incompatible. That's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean either of you are bad people. You just don't belong together.

Don't you meet like minded women when you're out partying? It might make more sense to date one of them.

If you choose to remain in the relationship you must realize things will not change and you must be 100% OK with it.

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1 hour ago, 4dvz said:

Its hard to believe im recognized like this in the Forum. Makes me think if I have seeked for help and relieve too many times here. 

It's not that you're "recognized."

It's that many posters will often do a simple check on your posting history to understand the context before responding. A lot people post only half the story to tailor the responses they get, forgetting it takes about 3 seconds to see the threads they've posted before. That's all. 

In any case, the relationship you have and the relationship you want are not in the same realm at all. You're clearly unhappy and unsatisfied. Just as you are who you are, she is who she is. Wants and needs can change over time. Yours and hers are now totally incompatible for a mutually-fulfilling, happy and healthy long-term relationship. Bemoaning what she promised you and how she evidently doesn't want those things now is futile. Evidence of that is in your past threads and this one: nothing has improved, and you're still not happy. 

You can either accept that this is way it will be and stop complaining, or do the mature thing and re-evaluate whether this relationship has run its course. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

No one is judging you here, best I can see, but just offering the best advice they can give. Your first post here—and, bear with me, others—are very good examples of what incompatibility looks like. Not judgement, again, but simply an observation. Sexually you don't connect, you have divergent views on opposite sex friendships, and, with her, you feel you've had to give up some essential activities that make you you.

Since you don't want to break up, I would try to find a way to come to peace with the idea that some part of you, for some reason, wants this tension and disconnect in your life, these gaps. Again, not judgement. At the end of the day we humans are pretty self-serving, so figure our what these tensions are serving in you and maybe it won't be so agonizing. (You may realize, for instance, that you want agony, to somehow be punished, or to seek some kind of ephemeral "reward" for sacrificing "in the name of love." It's not uncommon.) 

 

 

 

Thank you for this. It made me think a lot. I have always felt in the relationships ive had that i need to sacrifice something in the name of love. In the name of love makes it logical and reasonable, because love is more important than those things that you sacrifice and without that sacrifice love to your partner would suffer. I cant break this circle of sacrificing, I do it even now and explain it just by those words to myself. 

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53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You may have to find a willing partner for your sexual preferences.

The issue is that I have always found one, but then after being together for an year or two the partner has lost her desires no matter how hard ive tried to avoid it.

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1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

I read your other threads and this is how I came to this conclusion.  Just because you do not like the feedback, does not mean it is judgmental.

If the situation is so bad, then end it.   It will not get better.   I'm sorry, but you are not a victim because you are not getting sex more than once a week.   I think that she feels worn down from your demands and has become resentful.   "Due to the constant distress I have been put by this situation, I have made a fool out of myself a great number of times. Unfortunately infront of her friends and family as well, as we have spent many alcohol infused nights together with everyone. I have no words to describe how bad it makes me feel. I have never been a jealous type of person, but this has just gone too far for me. Everytime I participate in a discussion where some other man gets to experience the kind of sex life I`m after, I can just feel the pressure exploding inside of me shouting out loud: Why am I treated so bad in my sexlife? This makes me say all kinds of idiotic sentences, no matter who is around.. And I just can`t help it. "

She is speaking to friends.  I don't see why that would be a problem.  It is healthy to have friends of both sexes.   By telling her she should not have male friends, you are telling her that you do not trust her.   Why are you so insecure? Thinking that you have a right to see someone's phone is controlling.  

Thank you for being friendly now, and sorry for getting a bit upset earlier. I just felt you judged me, i couldnt see the feedback. 
 

The situation has developed a lot since that post you quoted. Im over trying to get more sex from her, nor expecting more. I only hope more these days (differs a lot from expecting) in my own mind, not telling it for her anymore. I have not said a word to her about these thoughts for a long time now. She is the only one engaging for sex now, I have stopped doing that completely. I dont understand why she does that though, because she says she does it for me only. She does it once a week, and often i find it hard to get aroused as fast as earlier because my mind is poisoned and always needs some time to recover. That is just something that happened, its not her fault nor mine.


I have been cheated on pretty badly in my earlier life, twice by different women. First time broke me down on so many levels. I lost trust towards everyone i knew, it drove me to insanity almost. I recovered however, after a few years i believe. Then after the second time I was ready to die really, and the word trust just didnt mean anything to me anymore. My perception of the world does not contain the word trust as it is for most people, for me its something people use to deceive those who otherwise would be on their way. I know this is wrong, and Im working with this every day. She also knows about my past, ive told her everything. And as i mentioned earlier, i have not used my right (granted kindly by her) to read her messages in very long time now because im trying to learn what that awful word trust means again. Its not easy, since she also lied to me once about meeting with her male friend. I just see people lying all the time to the ones they love, and to me thats just horrible.

 

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