I'm so discontent and seeking more

[pdxchickadee]

Or . .people respond to hearing what you want when it's said in a positive way.

"I want us to be closer and feel more connected"

. . .Rather than leading with what you are unhappy about.

 

I have had that conversation... the positive approach many times. To the point that he refers to my needed, 'connection' as too forced. He believes it should happen more naturally. I do not believe that. AND...it isn't happening more naturally...at least not enough for me. Ugh.

[reinventmyself]

Maybe he needs to hear you are considering leaving

[catfeeder]

How do I start talking about this with him?

 

It depends on what you want to accomplish by talking. We don't know that, so how can we advise?

 

Do you want to navigate the Covid in place with him, so the convo would be to make that more bearable?

 

Do you want to leave or have him leave immediately?

 

What's your immediate goal?

 

Clarity is everything.

[MissCanuck]

Talking about incompatibility doesn't change two fundamentally incompatible people, OP.

 

If that's genuinely how you feel, you need to end it cleanly but kindly.

 

Whose idea was it to live together?

[Wiseman2]

Instead of talking at him yet again about your needs for fun conversation,etc. realize that you have Both withdrawn from the relationship and are Both unhappy.

 

It will come as a relief to him as well when you clearly and simply state that him moving in is not working out.

 

This elephant in the room will finally be out in the open. Stop trying to find the "right" semantics to fix or change him. It's not going to happen. Surely he wasn't this much of a withdrawn drag when you asked him to move in,no?

 

So it's better to get that mutual unhappiness elephant out of the room, cut to the chase and tell him it's not working out.

 

Figure out a fair and agreeable departure plan for him to move out. He lived as a grown man somewhere before July and he'll survive. What's not survivable is accepting his financial contribution to your house and stringing him along to do so.

[Cherylyn]

Thank you. This is solid advice. My huge sense of guilt is in that feeling you mention about internal misery and stringing him along. He doesn't know what I'm thinking and he is going to be blindsided. He thinks my depressive mood is about the current climate we are living in. At first I thought that was it too... it's not that. I want something different than this relationship. Ugh. Thank you so much for this advice!!

 

You're very welcome and thank you for saying it was spot on.

 

Remaining silent is unfair to both of you. You're stewing while your partner is clueless which doesn't do any good for anybody.

 

You won't feel guilty anymore if you speak up while keeping in mind that you don't want conflict nor confrontation. You can soften the blow by reminding him that it's no one's fault. Both of you are incompatible due to personality differences and you've accepted this. Tell him that you're not expecting him to change nor would you ask him to change because it would be unnatural and you wouldn't ask anyone to change their personality for you. Remind him that your depressive mood has nothing to do with this pandemic. Reiterate it and let there be no misunderstanding whatsoever. Tell him that you'd rather tell him now than pretend that you're happy and that everything is fine when it is not which is unrealistic.

 

Naturally, you will not receive a positive response from him because no one wants to feel rejected. It is human nature to become defensive and belligerent. You need to make sure you remain calm, unemotional, peaceful, respectful and don't yell and shout either. Don't raise your voice. Stay the course.

 

Another thing to be aware of is "gaslighting." Google "gaslighting." It's a very common tactic and strategy for some people to engage in gaslighting so don't fall into their trap of deflecting, changing the subject, changing your perception of the facts, deliberately confusing you and manipulating the conversation. Those are the oldest tricks in the book. It's nothing I hadn't experienced before. There are some people in my life who are masters at gaslighting. I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away.

 

Make sure your radar is up at all times. It will save you.