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Anxious/Avoidant- Tools/Techniques For Making It Work In A Relationship


girltalkCA

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Does anyone have any advice/techniques that they have used to help make a avoidant/anxious relationship work?

 

I've been reading up on some people's experiences. The concept of the anxious person just wanting to "be seen" (perhaps similar to their childhood wound)really reasonated with me. So whether they initiate an argument (to be seen or ease their anxiety for connection...not that this is a healthy method) or just have the other person look into their eyes and acknowledge them. Is it unreasonable that I need a partner who is willing and wanting to practice these with me or should I try to find ways to soothe myself and not depend on my partner?

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Yes, you need a partner who will not be abusive toward you. You also need a partner who is not refusing treatment for a serious mental health condition who is instead taking her issues out on you.

 

That being said, it is not healthy to expect a partner to soothe your issues for you.

 

The right partner will not exacerbate these issues. So your responsibility is to be selective about who you choose to share your life with.

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Healthy communication would be a better than getting in someone's face starting an argument for attention. Sorry to say but that is what children who do not have adult communication skills do.

 

What you are describing is mental/verbal abuse, not attachment styles. No, no partner should tolerate that.

So whether they initiate an argument (to be seen or ease their anxiety for connection...not that this is a healthy method) or just have the other person look into their eyes and acknowledge them.
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Once you are an adult, you become wholly responsible for your behavior and no, you cannot continue to blame childhood issues for what you are doing today. You are not a child anymore. Discussing or identifying those issues in the context of counseling might be helpful, but it is NOT excuse to carry on in the real world.

 

No, you have no right to ever dump on your partners and should never tolerate partners who dump on you. You shouldn't be dating until you do resolve your issues. It is NEVER your partners responsibility to soothe your anxieties and issues.

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