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I had posted on here last month as I was feeling quite down about a long term relationship break up, I have been feeling a bit better since then but recently I feel I am going back the way and I dont know why. It has been 8 months since the split and it was a 6 year relationship, I am trying so hard to stay positive and I am saving to buy my own flat and i have lost weight and healthy but i am just getting frustrated that i am not totally over it. Does anyone else ever have felt like that?

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While there's no science to these things, I'd expect most anyone coming out of a relationship as long as yours is going to experience a pretty jagged year of healing before things start to normalize. Doesn't mean it's 365 days of pure hellfire, but that it's a process, and if you were posting here about being "totally over it" I'd probably be more suspicious than what you're saying you're feeling your way through.

 

Think about it like this. Let's say I live in once city for six years, building a home there, working a job. It's all pretty good, if lacking in greatness. So, after a particularly soul-destroying week, I decide to move. Eight months into my new life in a new city? I call you up and tell you I'm still feeling a bit unsettled, still looking for my groove, my community. I've got a job, which I'm not yet sold on, and my apartment, while nice, is half furnished. I'm feeling edgy, less at home than between homes. Odds are you'd tell me that sounds pretty normal, no?

 

This is that, but emotionally rather than geographically. You don't have to "stay positive," but nor do you have to get frustrated for failing to be "totally over it." Meet yourself wherever you are, on any given day, by letting yourself know that it's okay. No one feels totally at home eight months after moving, and very few people are "totally over" a six year relationship after 8 months. They have a great week or two, then some really lousy ones. And for those who moved and found themselves in a global pandemic a few months into it? Well, it makes it all a bit harder, as I suspect it makes a breakup harder.

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While there's no science to these things, I'd expect most anyone coming out of a relationship as long as yours is going to experience a pretty jagged year of healing before things start to normalize. Doesn't mean it's 365 days of pure hellfire, but that it's a process, and if you were posting here about being "totally over it" I'd probably be more suspicious than what you're saying you're feeling your way through.

 

Think about it like this. Let's say I live in once city for six years, building a home there, working a job. It's all pretty good, if lacking in greatness. So, after a particularly soul-destroying week, I decide to move. Eight months into my new life in a new city? I call you up and tell you I'm still feeling a bit unsettled, still looking for my groove, my community. I've got a job, which I'm not yet sold on, and my apartment, while nice, is half furnished. I'm feeling edgy, less at home than between homes. Odds are you'd tell me that sounds pretty normal, no?

 

This is that, but emotionally rather than geographically. You don't have to "stay positive," but nor do you have to get frustrated for failing to be "totally over it." Meet yourself wherever you are, on any given day, by letting yourself know that it's okay. No one feels totally at home eight months after moving, and very few people are "totally over" a six year relationship after 8 months. They have a great week or two, then some really lousy ones. And for those who moved and found themselves in a global pandemic a few months into it? Well, it makes it all a bit harder, as I suspect it makes a breakup harder.

 

Yeah I mean I have been doing so well but again I just feel myself getting upset over the breakup when I know I shouldnt be as I wasnt treated very well but I think because I was all set to buy a house together and now I am back living at home while I save up enough for my own place I feel I am going back the way

 

And I am terrified that I dont find happiness again with someone I get really bad anxiety about it

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LSL. I think it is very much going FORWARD that you are saving to buy a place of your own! It's a great idea.

 

Terror and anxiety are not good places to be, OP. We have no idea what the future will bring simply because the future isn't here yet. Truth to tell all we have got is today, and futurising can drive you mad, never mind give you anxiety.

 

Speaking of happiness, or contentment, this is something you must find within yourself. Not dependent on a future someone.

 

It is important to find a way to damp down that panic and terror, OP.

 

And anyhow, what makes you think or imagine you will not meet someone with whom to build a healthy relationship? Maybe write down what you think are the reasons. Then when you read those reasons back you will probably just laugh.

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I hear you.

 

My last long relationship was three years. Our lives were never really braided—didn’t live together—and I had a pretty solid foundation before meeting her: established career, owned two homes, had some money and sense of purpose, all that jazz. Still, 8 months after breaking up? I was still wobbly, still confronting pangs of anger, waves of uncertainty, and so on. Guess I’m just trying to say that if you can cut yourself some slack you might find it’s what you need to move through these moments.

 

You’re 30, if I recall. Not sure if this is worth anything, but most everyone I know found their groove in their 30s, often after letting go of some formative moments (and people) from their 20s. Hang in there, head high. My personal belief is every moment that reminds us that we’re a bit more vulnerable than we know is a moment reminding us that we’re also a lot stronger than we realize.

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LSL. I think it is very much going FORWARD that you are saving to buy a place of your own! It's a great idea.

 

Terror and anxiety are not good places to be, OP. We have no idea what the future will bring simply because the future isn't here yet. Truth to tell all we have got is today, and futurising can drive you mad, never mind give you anxiety.

 

Speaking of happiness, or contentment, this is something you must find within yourself. Not dependent on a future someone.

 

It is important to find a way to damp down that panic and terror, OP.

 

And anyhow, what makes you think or imagine you will not meet someone with whom to build a healthy relationship? Maybe write down what you think are the reasons. Then when you read those reasons back you will probably just laugh.

 

Yeah I have managed to save up a good deposit and done it all on my own which I am proud of but I think because I thought it would have been with him it is a wee bit scary doing it on my own but at the same time I am excited

 

I posted on here when my break up happened last October as I was in a really bad place and posting on here has helped me through alot of it.

 

I think just because my confidence has went down a bit since what happened with my break up but I think you are right I probs will just laugh haha, alot of my friends, colleagues etc said to me any man would be lucky to have you and it really meant alot to me, they said you are really genuine and are always there for others so that maybe gives me hope they think I will meet the right person one day..hopefully haha

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I hear you.

 

My last long relationship was three years. Our lives were never really braided—didn’t live together—and I had a pretty solid foundation before meeting her: established career, owned two homes, had some money and sense of purpose, all that jazz. Still, 8 months after breaking up? I was still wobbly, still confronting pangs of anger, waves of uncertainty, and so on. Guess I’m just trying to say that if you can cut yourself some slack you might find it’s what you need to move through these moments.

 

You’re 30, if I recall. Not sure if this is worth anything, but most everyone I know found their groove in their 30s, often after letting go of some formative moments (and people) from their 20s. Hang in there, head high. My personal belief is every moment that reminds us that we’re a bit more vulnerable than we know is a moment reminding us that we’re also a lot stronger than we realize.

 

Yeah I'm 30, yeah I get you do you think I am maybe being too hard on myself?

 

Alot of people have said to me when you turn 30 and are older you know what you want in life more than when you were in your 20's

 

How long did it take you to feel like completely better after your breakup?

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Yes! LSL.

"..wee bit scary doing it on my own but at the same time I am excited"

 

Scary excited is great!

 

Your friends are right. And, yes, you are too hard on yourself. L.

 

30 is young LSL.

 

I think it is just because out my friend group I am the only single one so everyone is all settled with partners, kids married etc so I sometimes just get upset about it because I was nearly there with the house the partner etc and my world has just changed completely now so it's like I have to adjust to a new life if that makes sense?

 

And then I am thinking God how do I meet someone again or will the next person hurt me the way my ex did just these things go through my head

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Try not to futurise LSL. It's a killer.

 

We cannot foretell the future either. And fortune-telling can be dicey. Lol.

 

And it is just as well you were not nearly there with the individual you describe. A lucky escape.

 

Meeting someone again is not a "lucky-bag" type of thing. No one can hurt you if you don't let them. So preparing yourself so that you become not just self-aware but very aware of people. Get good at reading people.

 

Dial back that anxiety. With help if necessary.

 

Never mind who else has what. You don't even know what their lives might really be like.

 

Good luck

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Yeah I have managed to save up a good deposit and done it all on my own which I am proud of but I think because I thought it would have been with him it is a wee bit scary doing it on my own but at the same time I am excited

 

I posted on here when my break up happened last October as I was in a really bad place and posting on here has helped me through alot of it.

 

I think just because my confidence has went down a bit since what happened with my break up but I think you are right I probs will just laugh haha, a lot of my friends, colleagues etc said to me any man would be lucky to have you and it really meant alot to me, they said you are really genuine and are always there for others so that maybe gives me hope they think I will meet the right person one day..hopefully haha

 

 

Good for you! Soon you will have your own place.

 

You were in a long-term relationship. Give it some time before you start dating, as you still have a lot to process. The pandemic have made things even more difficult for everyone, try to focus on things that keep you busy, and people that bring positive to your life. Many have been in your shoes, and time will heal.

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I think it is just because out my friend group I am the only single one so everyone is all settled with partners, kids married etc so I sometimes just get upset about it because I was nearly there with the house the partner etc and my world has just changed completely now so it's like I have to adjust to a new life if that makes sense?

 

And then I am thinking God how do I meet someone again or will the next person hurt me the way my ex did just these things go through my head

 

All the reason to expand your friend group, when things open up more.

 

I am 55 and have faith in meeting someone. Try to be less dramatic, as you are still very young.

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Try not to futurise LSL. It's a killer.

 

We cannot foretell the future either. And fortune-telling can be dicey. Lol.

 

And it is just as well you were not nearly there with the individual you describe. A lucky escape.

 

Meeting someone again is not a "lucky-bag" type of thing. No one can hurt you if you don't let them. So preparing yourself so that you become not just self-aware but very aware of people. Get good at reading people.

 

Dial back that anxiety. With help if necessary.

 

Never mind who else has what. You don't even know what their lives might really be like.

 

Good luck

 

Yeah I think I just miss having someone there and doing things with and I need to not keep looking back on all the good things because the end of the relationship just totally broke me the way he ended it and it was so hurtful so do you think it's best not to always focus on the good time?

 

Yeah I think I need to focus on myself and and get my confidence back up again and just hopefully think this has happened because there is something better out there for me

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Good for you! Soon you will have your own place.

 

You were in a long-term relationship. Give it some time before you start dating, as you still have a lot to process. The pandemic have made things even more difficult for everyone, try to focus on things that keep you busy, and people that bring positive to your life. Many have been in your shoes, and time will heal.

 

Yeah I think the pandemic has made it alot worse because I have just been overthinking everything for example I think what if I done this what if I done that but I cant think like that because I shouldnt have to change the person I am for someone else

 

Yeah my work friends have been so supportive and really getting me through it and always making sure I am ok and they keep telling me to keep my head held high

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I get it...it's the "what's wrong with me?" syndrome. You haven't met someone wonderful yet, your friends are not single so hanging out with them is a bore because all they talk about is their kids, they don't go out, nothing new or exciting has happened yet, you feel stuck, not moving forward. The only real change is that you don't have a BF anymore which leads to depressive thoughts. You have your good days of excited for new things to come, but have those lows where nothing really hasn't happened yet.

 

I agree you need to expand your social circle. You are not the only one single at 30 of course, so that's why there are groups you can join where they set up outings and activities for singles. It will help you make new connections. They do cost money, but you can sign up for a couple of months and see what you get out of it. I know a few that did use this type of service. They may not have met the love of their life, but did make some new friends to hang out with. You can even try dancing classes, join a hiking group, or anything that involves a hobby you might like to try and meet people that way. I feel if you set small very doable goals, you know ones you can accomplish in a day will make you feel a lot better. It will build some self confidence, and feel good about yourself...to which you so deserve! :D

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LSL you ask:

 

"...do you think it's best not to always focus on the good time?"

 

Put the adjective "perceived" in front of that word good.

 

What seems is not what is. And that applies to people too.

 

Don't look back OP. "Malignant Nostalgia" is a real killer.

 

And I echo the advice just given by Smackie.

 

And you mentioned at one time:

 

"I am not a very confident person at the best of times "

 

Get to work on building self-confidence OP. It will be your armour.

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Yeah I'm 30, yeah I get you do you think I am maybe being too hard on myself?

 

Alot of people have said to me when you turn 30 and are older you know what you want in life more than when you were in your 20's

 

How long did it take you to feel like completely better after your breakup?

 

Yes, I think you're being hard on yourself. Human, understandable. But still: a touch hard. This isn't Olympic swimming, where you miss the podium by .002 seconds. It's just life. It thrives with latitude.

 

I'm not sure if I'd say that 30 marks the beginning of knowing what you want from life. I think life, more or less, is forever of journey exploring that question, with stretches of clarity giving way to stretches of fogginess. But I do think it's a time when you start thinking less about needing to have x by year y, when you pivot from needing everything answered to getting more comfortable in the idea that it's really just a series of questions, with clarity and fogginess being more of "one thing" rather than binary poles. Or at least that was my experience. At 25 I wanted to know exactly what and where I'd be at 30; now I'm 40, and I don't really care to know what 45 or 50 will bring. I trust the process, and trust myself to navigate it.

 

As for my story? Mind you, it's just my story, not a template for anything, but: I think I was in a pretty good headspace at around 8-9 months. Was around then that I started dating again, and I didn't feel like a zombie or an imposter when doing so. Not sure when "completely better" occurred. It kind of just did, but what's important is that I don't measure "completely better" by "feeling great 24/7 and finding love again." It was just being me, a dude going through life rather than a dude measuring life by a breakup.

 

And if you can be a littler gentler with yourself? You might realize that's what's happening here: you are just you, a newly single 30 year old reclaiming some fire while living in an absolutely bonkers moment on planet Earth. Everyone is on edge. You're in good company right now.

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Go easy. You're coming down way too hard on yourself. Apply that somewhere else - your professional life, your work, whatever you do on the side. Don't do that to your heart. Handle with care. Bluecastle's posts resonated with me and I agree with everyone else. Stay away from the "what's wrong with me" syndrome Smackie mentioned also and keep the faith.

 

Are you working at the moment? Put things in perspective if you're off work. Chances are things are a little up in the air with the pandemic. Try not to self-destruct.

 

It is completely normal to think about your ex but it's what you do that counts. Focus on things that you are able to forward and accomplish and give back to your wellbeing. Be kind to yourself. There is only one of you.

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I get it...it's the "what's wrong with me?" syndrome. You haven't met someone wonderful yet, your friends are not single so hanging out with them is a bore because all they talk about is their kids, they don't go out, nothing new or exciting has happened yet, you feel stuck, not moving forward. The only real change is that you don't have a BF anymore which leads to depressive thoughts. You have your good days of excited for new things to come, but have those lows where nothing really hasn't happened yet.

 

I agree you need to expand your social circle. You are not the only one single at 30 of course, so that's why there are groups you can join where they set up outings and activities for singles. It will help you make new connections. They do cost money, but you can sign up for a couple of months and see what you get out of it. I know a few that did use this type of service. They may not have met the love of their life, but did make some new friends to hang out with. You can even try dancing classes, join a hiking group, or anything that involves a hobby you might like to try and meet people that way. I feel if you set small very doable goals, you know ones you can accomplish in a day will make you feel a lot better. It will build some self confidence, and feel good about yourself...to which you so deserve! :D

 

Thank you for the great advice, alot of my friends having been telling me to do online dating but I have never done anything like that before so I am really nervous and I dont know if I am ready but they said it would build my confidence up do you think it would?

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LSL you ask:

 

"...do you think it's best not to always focus on the good time?"

 

Put the adjective "perceived" in front of that word good.

 

What seems is not what is. And that applies to people too.

 

Don't look back OP. "Malignant Nostalgia" is a real killer.

 

And I echo the advice just given by Smackie.

 

And you mentioned at one time:

 

"I am not a very confident person at the best of times "

 

Get to work on building self-confidence OP. It will be your armour.

 

I think aswell when you get your heartbroken like so out of the blue and sudden it crushes you and I always think what if he moves on before me while I'm still here getting upset over it that's what worries me

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Go easy. You're coming down way too hard on yourself. Apply that somewhere else - your professional life, your work, whatever you do on the side. Don't do that to your heart. Handle with care. Bluecastle's posts resonated with me and I agree with everyone else. Stay away from the "what's wrong with me" syndrome Smackie mentioned also and keep the faith.

 

Are you working at the moment? Put things in perspective if you're off work. Chances are things are a little up in the air with the pandemic. Try not to self-destruct.

 

It is completely normal to think about your ex but it's what you do that counts. Focus on things that you are able to forward and accomplish and give back to your wellbeing. Be kind to yourself. There is only one of you.

 

Yeah I work in a bank so have been working all through the pandemic. I'm trying to be positive and I have been but I just dont know what is wrong with me the past few weeks

 

I still miss him alot and I know I shouldnt

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I wasnt treated very well but I think because I was all set to buy a house together

 

Think of the strides you've made since ditching the misguided idea that investing in the financial burden of a permanent home with ANYone who doesn't treat you well could possibly turn out well.

 

This may not have been the way you wanted to go about learning some really important and life changing things, but most of us have taken the long road and the hard way to avoid crucial mistakes.

 

None of your progress will ever be lost, it can just feel that way whenever your private ascent gets bumpy rather than staying smooth.

 

The first year after the breakup of a LTR is a struggle to reclaim your own sense and your perspective and your holidays and your milestones. It's natural to encounter rough times along the way. But no matter how much a time can feel like a backslide, it is not--it's just the hard side of progress.

 

Head high, and worry less. You will thank yourself later.

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Think of the strides you've made since ditching the misguided idea that investing in the financial burden of a permanent home with ANYone who doesn't treat you well could possibly turn out well.

 

This may not have been the way you wanted to go about learning some really important and life changing things, but most of us have taken the long road and the hard way to avoid crucial mistakes.

 

None of your progress will ever be lost, it can just feel that way whenever your private ascent gets bumpy rather than staying smooth.

 

The first year after the breakup of a LTR is a struggle to reclaim your own sense and your perspective and your holidays and your milestones. It's natural to encounter rough times along the way. But no matter how much a time can feel like a backslide, it is not--it's just the hard side of progress.

 

Head high, and worry less. You will thank yourself later.

 

Thank you that means alot, people keep saying to me that's been 8 months now and keep telling me to do online dating but I just dont know if I am ready for online dating

 

I think I keep worrying about what if he moves on before I do and then I think what does this person have that I dont

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Yes, I think you're being hard on yourself. Human, understandable. But still: a touch hard. This isn't Olympic swimming, where you miss the podium by .002 seconds. It's just life. It thrives with latitude.

 

I'm not sure if I'd say that 30 marks the beginning of knowing what you want from life. I think life, more or less, is forever of journey exploring that question, with stretches of clarity giving way to stretches of fogginess. But I do think it's a time when you start thinking less about needing to have x by year y, when you pivot from needing everything answered to getting more comfortable in the idea that it's really just a series of questions, with clarity and fogginess being more of "one thing" rather than binary poles. Or at least that was my experience. At 25 I wanted to know exactly what and where I'd be at 30; now I'm 40, and I don't really care to know what 45 or 50 will bring. I trust the process, and trust myself to navigate it.

 

As for my story? Mind you, it's just my story, not a template for anything, but: I think I was in a pretty good headspace at around 8-9 months. Was around then that I started dating again, and I didn't feel like a zombie or an imposter when doing so. Not sure when "completely better" occurred. It kind of just did, but what's important is that I don't measure "completely better" by "feeling great 24/7 and finding love again." It was just being me, a dude going through life rather than a dude measuring life by a breakup.

 

And if you can be a littler gentler with yourself? You might realize that's what's happening here: you are just you, a newly single 30 year old reclaiming some fire while living in an absolutely bonkers moment on planet Earth. Everyone is on edge. You're in good company right now.

 

Yeah I think just what worries me is what if he moves on before me and I am still here getting upset over the breakup and then that will have me thinking what does she have that I dont, I dont even know if he is seeing anyone we havent spoken since march

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Who cares if he "moves on" before you do?

 

That is not your concern. Please do not indulge in that kind of thinking. It isn't some kind of competition.

 

You do not need to know, or care, what he does.

 

The only person on whom you must concentrate, HARD, is yourself.

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