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Why he is not total honest?


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When I just know this guy his words always seems he is alone and sad, seems never got love before. After we in relationship, I asked about him that he only had a 5 years relationship before, during 2 months, I mention a few times of his ex, but he only said his ex, then one day he suddenly told me that those 5 years relationship is 3 years of relationship, 2 years of marriage, and he was divorced because his wife found others. That's really shocked to me, I don't know why he never said anything even I mention.

After we argued about that, once he said he want to stable life when he was 20 years old(his exwife is 19 years old during that time), once he said in that relationship he feel bad after 4 or 5 months, after marriage he stuck with not proper person. I didn't read there's any logic, if he feel bad why he continue 3 years then marry her?why started feel not proper after marriage what about the 3 years? Sounds only he doesn't want to honest to me.

Edited by Ksen
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To the contrary he has been brutally honest with you.

 

I don’t think he was completely honest about his own feelings with his ex and has learned from that and that explains why he is so honest with you. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice.

He was very young when he was in his last relationship and went with her feelings and profession of the relationship, while thinking his doubts were unfounded. And suppressing them.

 

Now he wants to be with someone who he can openly discuss his thoughts and feelings.

But you are berating him for that??!

 

His past relationship and ex are actually none of your business.

He is not under any obligation to tell you.

The fact that his previous relationship and ex were a cause for you two to argue suggests he should not date you at all.

 

You are more obsessed with his past , than you are interested in getting to know him in the present.

 

Why??!

What’s your past relationship history? Have you told him? Has he judged you for it?

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May i ask how long have you been together? If the relationship is relatively new, it's understandable that you are just starting to be more open with each other, thus he is now comfortable revealing his past with you. Look at it on the bright side. As you go along, you will discover more things about him - the ex thingy is just one aspect. Don't let past relationships get in the way of a potential new love.

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May i ask how long have you been together? If the relationship is relatively new, it's understandable that you are just starting to be more open with each other, thus he is now comfortable revealing his past with you. Look at it on the bright side. As you go along, you will discover more things about him - the ex thingy is just one aspect. Don't let past relationships get in the way of a potential new love.

 

2 months according to her opening post. IMO too early to be having arguments . Especially about exes. That curiosity shouldn’t even crop up yet if they are actually engaging in each other and enjoying each other’s company.

??!

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If you’ve only been together for 2 months then you still have a lot to learn about each other. Not everyone wants to offload their past immediately until they know the person they are with wants to hear about it.

 

At this early stage, don’t keep bugging him with questions about his ex’s and questioning him as to why he did or didn’t do something. He was young. It’s in the past. To be honest, it sounds as though you are giving him reasons NOT to want to talk about it if it ends in an argument. Two months is very early to be having any kind of drama.

 

Take your time in getting to know each other. Don’t force things .... and certainly don’t cause arguments over it. Talking about it is one thing but making him rehash the whole experience is another.

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How did you meet? How long have you been talking? Have you met in person? Was he in an arranged marriage? It seems like he enjoys cheating. Do not bother with men who cheat and lie.

he was divorced. he said in that relationship he feel bad after 4 or 5 months, after marriage he stuck with not proper person.
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Have you ever discussed each other's opinion about marriage before? Are you guys on the same page with respect to that?

 

In my experience people divulge if they were married and divorced way before getting exclusive. You said you were already in a relationship - plenty of chances for him to mention that. There are people who would not want to deal with a divorcee especially if they're very young. To withhold that information until the other person gets emotionally attached is not being honest. I'd consider it a major red flag, or more likely a deal breaker, if someone I'm dating casually refers to his ex as if she was just an ex-girlfriend, until we were official then he suddenly discloses that they were actually married. :upset:

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if someone I'm dating casually refers to his ex as if she was just an ex-girlfriend, until we were official then he suddenly discloses that they were actually married. :upset:

 

That kinda feels normal to me. Getting married and divorced at such a young age might not be something he is terribly proud of and doesn’t feel it necessary to bring up until such a time he feels is right to do so. It’s not like he’s kept it a secret for years and years. They’ve only been dating for two months (though not sure if that’s confirmed or our interpretation). They are still getting to know each other.

 

OP, can you clarify how long you had been together when he told you this, when you became exclusive and how long you’ve been together now.

 

Bearing in mind we’ve been dealing with a worldwide pandemic over the last few months and in lockdown, it wouldn’t be surprising that things have been progressing slower than normal. However, if the story is different from what’s been interpretated, I would, perhaps, then agree with SophiaG.

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How did you meet? How long have you been talking? Have you met in person? Was he in an arranged marriage? It seems like he enjoys cheating. Do not bother with men who cheat and lie.

 

It sounds to me as though his ex was the one who cheated on him and that is why he eventually left the marriage (or the marriage ended). Again, I could have that wrong.

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No, we rarely share our opinion, even I would like, but he doesn't like. He never asked what I mind.

Yes, when we havent in relationship, once I asked him that does he have any relationship before, he said there's a 5 years relationship. After we in relationship, I had mention twice, he only said his ex, and one day he suddenly told me that he is divorce because now I can know everything and he wants to be fair.

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I don't know hows his thinking, so I want to ask, but he doesn't want to talking. Because when he just told me he is divorced, he told me that he wants a stable life, and his ex(wife) mention it and he liked this. After we had a few talking, he said after 4 or 5 months in relationship with her what he feel bad with her. I don't feel there's any logical

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So you’ve been talking to him for a year - met up with and then decided to be in an exclusive relationship. Is that when he told you? Sounds like he was waiting to meet you and decide whether there really was a future at which point he decided to be more open with you. If that is so, I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing. I mean he could have mentioned before when you were talking but he was under no obligation to do so at that point if you weren’t exclusive and hadn’t even met. Based on that, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

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Before he only said he found her cheating on computer. But once I asked that, he said after he found it, his ex wife said that her words is different as his words, and he believed it. Then she just said she will go to her grandmother's birthday, just leave. Not he wanted to left this marriage, it's his exwife leave him

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Nope, during the 1 year of our talking, he never said he is divorced, even once I asked him that does he had relationship before (because he seems never had from his words), he only said there's 5 years relationship. When we met each other he still not told me that. After we in relationship for 2 months, he suddenly told that in fact that's 3 years relationship with 2 years marriage.

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And if you said so, here's his message when he told me that.

 

'5 years ago I quit relationship with my ex in court. After 2 years of marriage, almost 5 years of relationship. I already told you the reason why it ended, that she found somebody else, took my money and set my parents against me. It ended 5 years ago. I didn't tell you before because I wanted you to judge me be the what person I am, not by my past. But if you already know me, you can know everything. I'm telling this to you now, to give you a time before January. Just in case you will consider me now to be worse kind of person I don't want you to do anything you will regret. I hope you understand'

 

Before we met,frist I asked that does he had any relationship before, second I asked why he broke up. After in relationship I mentioned few times about his ex. He never said that's his exwife.

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He seems like a genuine guy who may be embarrassed to admit what happened to him. Now that your relationship has gone up a level, he feels is is time to open up to you. I’d cut him some slack. It sounds like it was a difficult time for him.

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Are you from the same culture, religion or country? Is there a language barrier? It seems there is very poor communication. Have you been to his home/country? It sounds like he is still married and has a secret life away from you. You met just once?

 

Sorry, you are wasting your time on him of you want a real-life in-person real relationship. Why did you choose someone so far away? Is this a foreign bride situation? What are you looking for and hoping for?

We met in internet, already talking around 1 year, after he travel here then we had hung out for getting together.
Edited by Wiseman2
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I agree - he doesn't seem completely comfortable with his marriage and divorce. Speaking from personal experience, those are red flags that a person hasn't had enough time to process and make peace with their past.

 

I think feeling hurt and wary are valid feelings on your part. Yes, I would be put off also if someone kept the details (the seriousness of a particular past relationship) from me.

 

Having been married myself and dating a man who was recently out of a long term marriage, there is so much faith, love, commitment involved that the break down can be absolutely soul-crushing and painful. A person needs time to process all of that, the end of a marriage.

 

I don't think he's a bad person.

 

I only would caution you forwards. My biggest caution to you going forwards is that he may be the type to take his sweet time telling you things (important things/details) as he sees fit, and not with enough consideration towards you and how you may feel about it in the long term.

 

Always remember that in a relationship it takes two.

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No, but not language barrier. I havent been his country, he had been here twice, once met, once trip with me.

I don't know, just because he said he likes me, and came here, I think why not try.

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Yea, he is a smart and good person.

But seems only good for himself. If he told me before we met or when we just talked, I wont into this relationship. If when I asked about his relationship that he told me turth I will not feel bad as now. After fall in love with him, he told me so, I only feel that's like a lie

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