How to get her back?

[Andrina]

it takes me 2-3 years before I trust someone again This is emotional baggage, and it likely hinders any dating success. For one thing, I imagine it's too weighty for the woman you decide to date after the lengthy absence, and you've decided she's the one you are going to tear your barriers down for to give her a chance. Even if you don't voice this, she will sense this, because women are very intuitive.

 

Trust isn't something you can have for a person going into date 1, 5, or even 10. For one thing, you're not even exclusive in those early days so trust is irrelevant. When you become exclusive, then it's always best to trust unless you're given information that the person is not trustworthy.

 

The only control you have is to recognize red flags and dealbreakers, along with seeing if a person meets all of your must-haves. You should be taking a wait and see attitude without projecting to the future at these early stages. Time will tell, so it's best to just enjoy the company of another and learn a little more about them with each date.

 

You have a self sabotaging reel going on in your head about a story you've created and are sticking to, that it takes years between each dating experience for you to recuperate and be ready. That's self talk that is a self fulfilling prophecy and it can be changed. How about telling yourself that your goal is to find a companion, and that you will have to date a boatload of people to find the magic, as happens for most, so you better get busy.

 

After my divorce, I went on dates with about 30 men over a period of more than two years before I found my future husband, because it was my goal to have a lifetime companion. It was a lot of hard work with a lot of upsetting periods and frustration. Do I have a thick skin? Not really. I just had a goal that I was going to stick to and finding my wonderful husband was worth all that crap I dealt with previously. Most people won't be your match and it won't go beyond the first date. Others might last a bit longer. Each person's experiences will differ, of course, but start changing your state of mind, because at the rate you're going with dating briefly once every three years might result in you finding "the one" far later in life than you expected. Keep up with the therapist to learn skills on dealing better with disappointment. Take care.

[bluecastle]

Great point by Andrina.

 

Worth thinking about is the relationship between this self-conception as being emotionally closed-off and connecting with someone who was so effusive emotionally right out of the gate. If what you "need" to "open up" is someone who is "all in" from day one—well, you run the risk of attaching onto people who aren't "all in" in their own cores. In looking for something that seems easy—not in the lurid sense, but in the sense of a safe place for emotional surrender—you may find, as was the case here, that it's a bit of an illusion and actually kind of dangerous.

[MissCanuck]

Well it wasn't like "OK you will give me babies" she was just saying, she imagined having children in the future with me and taking care of them and travelling together. She was very emotional about it, so I just thought she feels good around me to the point she allows those thoughts.

 

No, I didn't imagine it was.

 

In fact, I imagined it was more like the situation you then described: musings of a family fairtytale of sorts, her getting caught up in her emotions and so on. That further emphasizes the fact that this women appears to be all over the map emotionally, and not the most stable of characters. She's all in, and then all out. That's why it is critical to take a measured approach and really get to know someone - over time - before planning on a future together. People who rush in are often trying to fill some sort of void, trying to plaster over a wound, trying to wedge someone new into the space their ex left behind, or some other such thing. And when they realize they're not actually with the new person for the right reason? Well, it's off to the next.

 

It hurts a lot for those left in the wake of these types of whirlwinds. I realize you're still trying to make sense of this. She sounds messy, and one day, you will be glad she's not your problem anymore.

[Wiseman2]

Just about every dating profile out there can state "loves travelling" and "wants kids one day". She made you feel good, like an antidepressant, but now that crashed down and feels much worse. Happens all the time. The rush of new love does pump you up with a lot of internal feel good stuff. But that would have leveled out.

Well it wasn't like "OK you will give me babies" she was just saying, she imagined having children in the future with me and taking care of them and travelling together.