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My boyfriend of a year really tied one on this time and I’m just trying to understand before I make a huge decision. Okay, to start I am (28F), my boyfriend being a (29M). We have a great relationship. We have known each other a little over three years but always we we’re both to immature to be together and the big thing here is we live in cities an hour apart from each other. Through the past years he has tried over and over to get me to be his girlfriend but because of drinking, partying, lack of self control and honestly the 50 minute long distance I always put it to the side. He was sober from alcohol for 18 months and I really thought it changed him. Well I finally decided to take the chance and meet up with him a year ago, and we fell completely in love. Like I’m talking first love status laughing, smiling, traveling, completely taking our walls down and getting to know each other’s past and planning a beautiful future together, completely in love. I’m enrolled in school in the city he lives in (because I’m currently just over mine, ready for something new, and it’s always been a dream to live in Denver). And we’re planning on getting a place in the next 6 months or so. Everything was going typically good we spent the beginning of the week together as usual and I left and went home. I’m the only one commuting because he can’t drive for reasons. He claims he’s working on that... anyways Saturday night he’s drinking with co workers as usual. 9pm, he sends a gibberish text message saying he is tired and going to bed, whatever right. I was already in bed WERE IN A QUARANTINE RIGHT NOW. About two hours later I get a Facebook message from a girl saying she just left his house, they hooked up, and she had no idea he had a girlfriend, and that’s she’s “so sorry”.

 

I nearly FAINTED, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I couldn’t even text back I was shaking! Not even ten minutes later he “wakes” up and texts me “sorry babe, I was sleeping”. I screen shot the message, he’s still drunk I can tell. He FLIPS OUT, saying if I’m going to believe her, he’s done! After I calmed down a tad the next morning I messaged her asking what’s the deal here? Basically she goes on to say “We met along time ago on tinder, I ghosted him. We reconnected on Facebook and exchanged snapchats. We have been messaging for about a month, nothing too serious. Today while he was drinking he was really flirty. Tonight he sent me a picture of him with this hands down his pants and invited me over. I drove 45 minutes to his house. When I got there he was drunk and being super weird. We hooked up and he immediately fell asleep. I got up to leave and saw the pictures of you hanging on his mirror and knew I needed to message you, after I left he woke up and texted me never to talk to him again and when I asked why he had me over he said I had pitty on you, and then blocked me on everything.” I asked if this had been an on going thing she said no and that it had only happened that once.. the next day he is in complete denial, saying nothing happened and he was drunk inviting her over to smoke a bowl of weed. He’s still flipping out and just a raging mess honestly. As the days go on the hurt and reality has sunk in. He hasn’t called me, all of our conversations have been over text message. We haven’t seen each other in person.

 

We didn’t talk for a good 24 hours. And I changed my relationship status on Facebook to single. He told me again over text, “He was sorry for what he has done, and has no idea what or why he did this, he wishes he could take my pain away and make it is, his skin is crawling because he’s so sad and disappointed, he will do anything ANYTHING to make it right, I am a gem to him and he ruined something so beautiful, he wants to fix things, and understands it’s going to be hard and take time”. Maybe he’s not ready to talk on the phone or in person? which is fine because I want him to really think about this. As I need to as well. Maybe it’s because it’s over text but when I read these. I am just filled with anger. He hasn’t called? If I was him I would have been on a bus to my city the next day. I understand men are some sort of different and their mind sets are different but where is the effort here? I am so completely devastated, humiliated and feel the most ultimate betrayal. The past couple days have been a literal nightmare, can’t eat, can’t sleep, light headed and headaches all day. I’m not myself at all, I’m a generally healthy person on a normal sleep schedule, I eat healthy, I work out, I have greats friends and family. I’ve never honestly been “depressed” before but I’m assuming this is that. It’s been a couple days. I’ve been literally stuck in my head and have thought of every possible outcome. “Was it the distance that caused this” that he felt lonely or unhappy because I was gone. Do people really just make mistakes and deserve second chances??? It’s apparent that I need to take a step back and look at the big picture here. We have so many plans for the future and my future there as well, and my schooling/career. Can I forgive and even have a sexual relationship with him now? Is he going to do something about the distance. He is my best friend and I feel like I don’t even know him right now... I need some serious guidance SOS

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No, it's not the distance.

 

One hour? That's not distance. And with the pandemic EVERYONE is "distance" unless they live together.

 

Two of my friends are married to servicemen. One's husband is in Korea. THAT is distance. Yet, neither of them are leaping onto some else's genitalia.

 

What are the "reasons" he can't drive? I presume he has an unpaid outstanding warrant or has had DUI's.

 

Seems like none of this has changed: "drinking, partying, lack of self control"

 

Nothing about how you described him sounds like a quality individual. Why are you aiming so low?

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Your initial gut reaction to this guy was right - he is a drinker and is someone you did not initially consider dating.

 

The fact that he is a drinker is the problem, not the distance. RIght now in quarantine, a guy might make more of an effort to send you notes or something in the mail, Facetime you, etc, not get drunk and sleep with someone else.

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I know you are right... and yes prior duis. I’m just honestly devastated

 

Over a trash guy?

 

Nope.

 

Don't do what I did and waste years pining over a trash guy.

 

Time away will give you better perspective. Then you will be asking yourself "what the heck was I thinking???"

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I guess, I was just too caught up in being in a perfect relationship and having a family. I’m just pretty devastated honestly I really loved that man. He’s trying, claiming he will be sober and seek therapy. But we’re still long distance so how can I ever trust him again?

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I don't get how you looked at everything that man was and is involved in and thought "perfect relationship and family".

 

But...good news is, you found everything out before you married him and had children. Or just had children.

 

Bullet dodged. Your emotions will catch up with time. It'll be fine.

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What she said^

 

The only thing you have to reevaluate is the direction that you're going right now.

 

This is not the path to your happiness.

 

Unless your idea of 'perfect' consists of chasing him around day and night like you were his mom, your relationship with this guy will never, ever, even approach perfect.

 

He’s trying, claiming he will be sober and seek therapy. But we’re still long distance so how can I ever trust him again?

 

It has nothing to do with long distance or even addiction.

 

You are dealing with a complete liar who is unwilling to learn from his own mistakes.

 

Your boyfriend's multiple DUIs are evidence that he doesn't care if he endangers or hurts other people, as long as he gets to do what he wants to do.

 

Seriously think about that. Is that level of selfishness a character trait you want in a teammate? A father?

 

If you still want to make excuses for him based on addiction, I think you should read up on codependency.

 

A good place to start is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. She describes the dynamic a lot more clearly than most sources.

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Being drunk is an excuse not a reason. He is a liar and a cheater no matter the situation or sobriety.

 

All cheaters claim they will stop and will try harder because they are not only lying to you but to themselves. You can do so much better than this guy why are you scraping the bottom of the barrel?

 

Heck being alone is better than being with him.

 

He will not stop drinking, lying and cheating. He has shown just how much he loves you so pay attention to what he has shown you, not what he says. Actions speak louder than words always.

 

Cut him loose and go NC today. Forget about the imagined life and family you created in your mind with this loser and rethink what you will and will not allow in your life. This guy is a horrible partner as it is, could you imagine what a terrible father he would be?

 

Lost

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