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I cheated on my boyfirend, he wants to continue as friends


lauraj

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I am a female, separated with two sons. I was married for 13 years, there were lot of problems between us from the very beginning. After a series of events which worsened the gap between us, I decided to get separated. Towards the same time, I started talking with a colleague of mine (we don’t work together) and we became close. I was seeing this guy and felt comfortable sharing lot of my personal stuff and past with him. He was almost in my same situation and had problems with his marriage.

We became close but I knew there was no future to our relationship. While we were seeing each other, I met an old pal of mine and happen to see him twice while this was going on. Meantime my boyfriend started becoming very close to me that I had a guilt in my mind and decided to spend more quality time with him. As days progressed, we realized that we became really close and there was not a moment we were not thinking about each other. He became madly in love with me and then one fine day he also said he wanted to have a life with me and hes planning to get out of his marriage as it never worked well for him. Things were getting worse at my side too and I never took an effort later to fix anything as I really loved this guy. I experienced compatibility with this person which I have never experienced before. We shared a great connection and I felt completely inseparable from him. This continued for two years; in love with each other, started planning for the future etc. He moved from his home and filed a case for divorce. he said he would have gone ahead with this decision even if it was not for me, but he also said that am a major reason for making sure his decision were right.

Everything was going well; there was this one thing which disturbed my mind often. After we started our relationship, I had seen this other friend of mine twice and I never told him about the same. Though I thought about it later several times, I couldn’t tell him as I was fearful whether he would leave me. He meant everything to me and he is a very nice person. I knew he would be hurt and never had the guts to tell him the same. It was a mistake from my part during the beginning of our relationship when I didn’t even knew where it was going. But the feeling of guilt haunted me and finally one day I told him about the two incidents I had. He was shocked and completely shattered. He did not know how to respond and after couple of days he came back saying he wants to continue this relationship and he is willing to forgive.

Months went by, but I could feel that his enthusiasm has come down and I could feel that hes changed. Everything was same, he used to call me, we used to go out together but somewhere I felt a gap. I spoke to him about the same and he agreed with it. He said he loves me a lot and he cannot think about living with anyone else other than me. But he is not able to forget that I had cheated on him. I tried to convince that it was during the beginning of our relationship when we didn’t even know and that I loved him whole heartedly once I realized my mistake. But it didn’t sound convincing for him as he was blindly in love with me when this happened. He said he loves me a lot but he is not able to love me the same way he used to. He is ready to continue the relationship with me but he thought he would give me a miserable time as this was disturbing him a lot.

After lot of thought, I felt we shouldn’t be in this relationship if things are not the same anymore. My decision to be with him was because of the love he showered on me. I suggested that we shouldn’t be in a relationship if he cannot love me the same way. He agreed to breakup, but said he wants to continue remaining as friends, however, I told him we should be completely breaking up and not contacting each other at all. Once I become normal, I told him I will try and be his friend. He does not call me because I insist him not to call me, but am not able to forget him. I keep looking at the phone and think about him all the time. I so want him back in my life but how much ever he tried hes not able to love me the same way.

I want to go ahead with my life with kids but I cant stop thinking about him. I love him so much!

Should I be regular friends with him or should I just disappear from his life completely? Will I ever get him back? What should be my way ahead.

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I don't agree that you love him, OP. You miss his companionship but if you loved him, truly loved him, you wouldn't have done this in the first place. I don't believe you were with him for the right reasons, either. You say you agreed to be with him because he "showered you with love," but I don't get the impression that you ever really felt the same way about him. That isn't the basis for a relationship. It's setting yourself up for an unsatisfying relationship because you just don't have the same interest level or commitment, as you demonstrated yourself.

 

Being friends right now is not realistic, either. You were wise to tell him not to contact you, because he needs to learn to live without you, too. And no, I don't think you two will patch this up. He will likely never really look at you the same way and you are better-suited to someone you genuinely want to be with, not someone who just wants to be with you.

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Misplaced emotions. He was just an emotional band-aid. You used him as an escape from your marriage issues or whatever was going on with that. If you were truly in love you wouldn't have wondered or questioned your future.

 

You are now alone and lonely and looking for him again to escape.

 

People don't disappear so there is no need to panic. You need to start getting your head on straight, self improve, and become confident and independent. Keep yourself busy, purge things out of your house, workout, make a list or plans and goals for yourself, seek out new hobbies/interests, learn a new language,etc. Learn to be happy being on your own.

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The type of person you are, who thinks since there is no commitment yet, then they are free to keep sleeping with others, is not compatible with the kind of person who only sleeps with one person at a time as he is.

 

I'm not trying to slam you, really. But if you truly want a one woman man, then you have to be a one man woman. It's pretty simple.

 

It's not splitting hairs, seriously. If a person can be sleeping with more than one person in the same time frame, a one person kind of person wonders about the rotation and how they fit in, and they don't want to fit into the rotation.

 

This can be a moralistic attitude, or even just a worry about STDs.

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