Heartbroken and Devastated

[boltnrun]

I think some part of you is enjoying this pain you're feeling. After all, that's all you have left of this "connection" with your ex. So you don't want to let go but rather embrace it because it gives you the illusion of still being in a relationship with her. Problem is, you're not.

 

Let me tell you about my friend. She's going on 55 years old. Her ex broke up with her in 1995. She has been obsessed with that relationship ever since. Yep, 25 years. She never married, never got into another relationship. She clings to her insistence that he must come back to her and marry her because he'd proposed a few months into their relationship. According to her, he promised to marry her and he is obligated to do so, even though he married someone else. She was institutionalized in the early 2000's because she refused to let go of him. She refused to allow herself to have any kind of life because she was waiting for him to come back. She is on permanent disability, unable to work because her mind broke. She spends her days stuffing herself with junk food and waiting. It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen.

 

If that's the future you want then of course that is your right. But it's a choice you're making. Don't pretend it isn't.

[rayj83]

If your ability to love yourself is this connected to attention from another person, particularly someone with whom you never really got off the ground with in terms of building a relationship, I think you're going to find the business of living and loving very, very hard. I don't say that to be harsh, but to highlight what I think is at least partly what's keeping you in this loop: it allows you to avoid the hard, but satisfying, work of loving yourself so you can experience a much richer, more genuine love of others.

 

I'd also challenge yourself to rethink what you're calling "emotional chemistry." My definition? It's an emotional connection that continues to expand and deepen over time, proving strong, and getting stronger, regardless of what sharp elbows time delivers. Your history with her is kind of the opposite, no? Your emotional connection was "deepest" when you two were at your newest, in the shallow end of the pool? As you waded further in, the connection wasn't so sticky. Not saying that to diminish her, or you, or even whatever you guys had, but to encourage you to consider the idea that you're selling yourself short here.

 

There is a point, I think, when our obsession about another person is really a proxy for self-absorption, self-obsession, where we use "her" or "him" more as an excuse to wallow in ourselves rather than to grow ourselves. Feeding the ego at the expense of the heart, you could say. I could stare at a billboard of a movie star all day, every day, tell myself a tragic story about how we're meant to be, and feel all sorts of potent feelings. That would be self-obsession (ego) posturing as a connection with a celebrity (heart). The social media indulgence is kind of the same thing, especially once you reach the point where you've spent more time in that loop than anything co-created and co-experienced with and alongside someone.

 

Things to think about, or not, as you see fit. You can do this, get through this. You just have the choose to make different choices.

 

Thanks for this. I hear all of what you’re saying. There’s just such a strong element here of me needing to be better in certain respects. It’s on her for freezing me in a moment of weakness and not letting me grow past it but I needed to handle my better. And now I’ve grown and in that position and if she wasn’t turned off by me and with someone else, who knows what could have been? I’m trying hard to move forward but I feel every step I take forward I get dragged two steps backwards by this belief that I just wasn’t good enough in terms of my stability and keeping it together. I want her to be happy but I want her to be happy with me. Which she was. For a solid 4-5 months. And to know my behaviour contributed to her being turned off and knowing I’ll NEVER get a shot at redemption with her to show her my new and improved self. It just kills me and brings a pain and sense of hopelessness I’ve never felt.

[boltnrun]

I think some part of you is enjoying this pain you're feeling. After all, that's all you have left of this "connection" with your ex. So you don't want to let go but rather embrace it because it gives you the illusion of still being in a relationship with her. Problem is, you're not.

 

Let me tell you about my friend. She's going on 55 years old. Her ex broke up with her in 1995. She has been obsessed with that relationship ever since. Yep, 25 years. She never married, never got into another relationship. She clings to her insistence that he must come back to her and marry her because he'd proposed a few months into their relationship. According to her, he promised to marry her and he is obligated to do so, even though he married someone else. She was institutionalized in the early 2000's because she refused to let go of him. She refused to allow herself to have any kind of life because she was waiting for him to come back. She is on permanent disability, unable to work because her mind broke. She spends her days stuffing herself with junk food and waiting. It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen.

 

If that's the future you want then of course that is your right. But it's a choice you're making. Don't pretend it isn't.

 

Quoting myself because I really hope you read this cautionary tale.

 

Do you want to end up like my friend? She is an example of what happens when you refuse to let go and do what's good for yourself.

[rayj83]

Quoting myself because I really hope you read this cautionary tale.

 

Do you want to end up like my friend? She is an example of what happens when you refuse to let go and do what's good for yourself.

 

I did read it :(

[boltnrun]

I did read it :(

 

Do you want to be in the same situation 25 years from now? Perhaps even worse?

 

If not, please find ways to bring purpose and joy into your life. Whatever makes you feel useful or makes you smile, do some of that every day. If you do this you will soon find you are spending less and less time feeling sorry for yourself because you'll be too busy with productive and positive things.

[LaHermes]

Ray:

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to self-improve. But self-growth undertakings are for YOU, you yourself, not to impress others. Focus solely and entirely on yourself for a while. Otherwise, at the rate you're going you'll drive yourself into the ground.

 

What you want and the hard reality of the situation are two very different things.

 

"I want her to be happy with me. "

 

Bolt also asked you a question. Do you want to end up like her friend?

 

You know, OP, martyrdom went out of fashion quite a long time ago. Could I urge you to get professional help, seeing that nothing anyone says on here is hitting home with you.

[rayj83]

Ray:

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to self-improve. But self-growth undertakings are for YOU, you yourself, not to impress others. Focus solely and entirely on yourself for a while. Otherwise, at the rate you're going you'll drive yourself into the ground.

 

What you want and the hard reality of the situation are two very different things.

 

"I want her to be happy with me. "

 

Bolt also asked you a question. Do you want to end up like her friend?

 

You know, OP, martyrdom went out of fashion quite a long time ago. Could I urge you to get professional help, seeing that nothing anyone says on here is hitting home with you.

 

I don’t want her as a friend. In my heart I know if she saw this improved version of myself she would have a change of heart. It’s selfish of me maybe to even say that. And yes I do want her to be happy WITH ME because I know she was and I fear if I don’t do something she’s gone forever and will be engaged/married any second. I am seeking professional help and the things said here are hitting home with me. But I just keep being brought back to this, like a broken record. It’s obviously causing me a lot of pain. I don’t want it to be this way. I just can’t let her go and can’t forgive myself for the role I played in all this. The self growth was for me, of course, but I so badly want her to see that in me and I’m convinced we would be back to where we were when things were good.

[LaHermes]

Bolt didn't ask that. She asked if you wanted to end up like her friend.

 

Let me re-quote Bolt:

 

"Let me tell you about my friend. She's going on 55 years old. Her ex broke up with her in 1995. She has been obsessed with that relationship ever since. Yep, 25 years. She never married, never got into another relationship. She clings to her insistence that he must come back to her and marry her because he'd proposed a few months into their relationship. According to her, he promised to marry her and he is obligated to do so, even though he married someone else. She was institutionalized in the early 2000's because she refused to let go of him. She refused to allow herself to have any kind of life because she was waiting for him to come back. She is on permanent disability, unable to work because her mind broke. She spends her days stuffing herself with junk food and waiting. It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen.

 

If that's the future you want then of course that is your right. But it's a choice you're making. Don't pretend it isn't."

 

She IS gone Ray. Long gone. And she may indeed get engaged and married at any time. And she is entitled to do so if she so wishes. None of your business.

 

You have to let her go, out of your life and out of your mind.

[boltnrun]

Yes, thank you LaHermes.

 

I didn't ask if you wanted to be your ex's friend. I asked if you wanted to end up like MY friend, who is still obsessing and broken 25 years after the breakup.

 

Do you believe clinging to your pain will make her come back to you? If so, do you realize that is pretty much delusional? My friend's behavior and thoughts did not make her ex come back to her.

[rayj83]

Bolt didn't ask that. She asked if you wanted to end up like her friend.

 

Let me re-quote Bolt:

 

"Let me tell you about my friend. She's going on 55 years old. Her ex broke up with her in 1995. She has been obsessed with that relationship ever since. Yep, 25 years. She never married, never got into another relationship. She clings to her insistence that he must come back to her and marry her because he'd proposed a few months into their relationship. According to her, he promised to marry her and he is obligated to do so, even though he married someone else. She was institutionalized in the early 2000's because she refused to let go of him. She refused to allow herself to have any kind of life because she was waiting for him to come back. She is on permanent disability, unable to work because her mind broke. She spends her days stuffing herself with junk food and waiting. It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen.

 

If that's the future you want then of course that is your right. But it's a choice you're making. Don't pretend it isn't."

 

She IS gone Ray. Long gone. And she may indeed get engaged and married at any time. And she is entitled to do so if she so wishes. None of your business.

 

You have to let her go, out of your life and out of your mind.

 

No I don’t want to be that friend. Why would I want to be her friend? Reading she is “long” gone (I know she’s gone) and may get engaged or married just breaks my heart. It’s hard to read that.

[boltnrun]

No I don’t want to be that friend. Why would I want to be her friend? Reading she is “long” gone (I know she’s gone) and may get engaged or married just breaks my heart. It’s hard to read that.

 

Ray...I did not ask if you wanted to be your ex's friend.

 

I asked if you wanted to end up LIKE my friend I wrote about.

[rayj83]

Yes, thank you LaHermes.

 

I didn't ask if you wanted to be your ex's friend. I asked if you wanted to end up like MY friend, who is still obsessing and broken 25 years after the breakup.

 

Do you believe clinging to your pain will make her come back to you? If so, do you realize that is pretty much delusional? My friend's behavior and thoughts did not make her ex come back to her.

 

No I don’t think that. But I just can’t let go no matter how hard I try. Do you not understand how hard this is and how much pain this is bringing me every single day? And how infuriating it is to know there’s nothing I can do to get her back?

[boltnrun]

No I don’t think that. But I just can’t let go no matter how hard I try. Do you not understand how hard this is and how much pain this is bringing me every single day? And how infuriating it is to know there’s nothing I can do to get her back?

 

Then make a choice. Choose to not waste your life on someone who does not want to be with you.

 

And no one has ever said it would be "easy". Things that are worthwhile are usually not easy. But that doesn't mean you should just give up and wallow in your pain forever. Look at what choosing to wallow and cling did for my friend.

[LaHermes]

Ray.

 

Again what Bolt just said.

 

I bet everyone on here understands that this is a very painful situation for you. Being infuriated because you can't have something or someone is highly counterproductive. Do you not find it chilling to think that like the person Bolt describes, you might be in this infuriated state 20 years down the road. You have no choice but to make a choice. For your own well-being and sanity.

[3xcharm]

You talk of your breakdowns as ‘weaknesses’. I don’t see it that way. There is nothing wrong with vulnerability. I see a guy pretending everything is fine (when it’s clearly not) as weak.

 

That being said if you feel your breakdowns were too much and the thought of them are making you feel worse maybe you could consider other ways to deal with your emotions?

 

I have been heartbroken before and it truly doesn’t help to beat yourself up. All I can say is that things will get better. For now I think you should work on being kind to yourself and finding your confidence for the next girl who comes along. If you’re in the right frame of mind you’ll attract someone better. I’ve also just broken up with someone so I do feel your pain.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Try to stop reading all this type of get your ex back material.

 

They prey on broken hearts and desperate people. Improved version of yourself is the typical meaningless nonsense they peddle.

In reality, if things were working you would not need some redecorated self

 

Accept it's over and if you want to improve yourself start with your doctor for a complete check-up.

In my heart I know if she saw this improved version of myself she would have a change of heart. [/Quote]

[MissCanuck]

No I don’t think that. But I just can’t let go no matter how hard I try. Do you not understand how hard this is and how much pain this is bringing me every single day? And how infuriating it is to know there’s nothing I can do to get her back?

 

Then quit standing in your own way and griping when things don't improve, ray.

 

You are not as powerless and helpless as you're trying to tell yourself you are. The hard choices (ie not checking her and his social media) are just that - hard. But if you don't make them, then you can't really complain when things aren't looking up.

 

You enable your own misery a lot here and get upset or refute everything when others don't enable it, too.

[rayj83]

Thanks all. All of this is more than hard for me - gut-wrenching, crushing me. But I know, rationally at least, that I have no choice other than to move on at this point. Hoping and praying she has a change of heart will get me nowhere. But actually coming to accept that and move on, and embrace the uncertainty and anxiety of finding the same level of connection with someone new is incredibly, again, gut-wrenching. Heartbreaking.

[rayj83]

I can't force or manipulate her back. I wouldn't want to. And I know we're going in circles. I think what continues to hurt the most is that I showed a vulnerability that was too extreme, even for my liking. And while I've gotten help to deal with it and manage it better, it haunts me that I exposed that to her - someone who said she was falling for me, was crazy about me, didn't want to lose me etc... Yes she was hot and cold from the start, but it's not as if she was hot and cold when things were "good" between us. In other words she liked me for who I was, with the exception of that time I was really in the dumps. New guy seems to fill the void I had - being cheery, positive, etc... because the events I exposed her to turned her off and made her want to fill that by finding in someone the things I was lacking, which, because of the hard times I went through, someone who is very positive, optimistic, etc... I can be that guy, just not all the time. And it bothered her that I was sensitive. Her very best friend was ice cold to me (because she's just known to be like that) and when I met the friend and the friend barely looked at me, and I brought this up with my ex because it bothered me, the ex made me feel crazy or way too sensitive. So it's like she found all the reasons to not be with me and why I wasn't a good life partner for her, and neglected to see all the positive.

 

I am trying, VERY HARD, to turn my mind away from this. But my mind is very stubborn, and when I get triggered I think about all this and that this new guy essentially serves to fill the areas I was lacking. And I think about how great the sex was, how pretty she was, how sweet she was, how hard it is to find that and that this guy got so lucky and this is all SO UNFAIR. And I don't think she would have seen all this and left me had I not gone through this down period. She even said 75% of the reason she left was because of that depressed/unstable/crying episode. Her words, not mine.

 

Anyways, this was also someone from after dating 3-4 weeks said she should feel "excited" to get into a relationship with someone, told me she wanted time/space to figure things out, when and dated someone else for 4-6 weeks, then came back and things were all of the sudden great. In that time I never exposed any of this "instability".

 

Look, I am so so appreciative of everybody on here. I know I am stubborn - it's how my mind works. It's just that I am having so much trouble letting go and I feel that as time goes by, ANY hope she'd reconsider has gotten slimmer and slimmer and slimmer to the point of it being not even in the realm of possibilities. I think that's why this is getting harder for me, day by day. And to think of her with the new guy, and knowing she's probably telling everyone "see! This is the kind of guy I want!" makes me sick because I could have been that guy if I managed things better in those moments of instability. And she's the last single friend, people were pushing her to move in, get married, etc... and that happening within the time period that it's been (5-6 months with this guy) - it's VERY likely to happen soon.

[MissCanuck]

Ray, gently and with respect, you’re on repeat here. You’re saying the same things over and over and over.

 

So, what exactly have you tried when your mind swirls into this loop? As a diversion, tactic I mean. What coping strategies has your therapist recommended in moments like this?

[LaHermes]

I second you here, Ms. Canuck, in your question.

[rayj83]

Ray, gently and with respect, you’re on repeat here. You’re saying the same things over and over and over.

 

So, what exactly have you tried when your mind swirls into this loop? As a diversion, tactic I mean. What coping strategies has your therapist recommended in moments like this?

 

I realize I'm on repeat. I'm just in so much pain and it makes me sick that I feel I "lost" here and every day that goes by she's inching towards a stronger and stronger bond with him, and farther and farther away from me. In terms of what I do in the moments, well, I try to go for walks with my puppy, listen to music, focus on work, etc... but I find my mind invariably just goes right back to her and the pain. So it's proving very challenging. I continue to think there's gotta be some way to pique her interest, but then I realize I can't, and this is real and permanent, and then I think back to my failings in the relationship. So I'm very stuck. If she never saw this side of me I still don't think this would have fallen apart.

[boltnrun]

But she did see that side of you. And you can't say for sure that's why she chose to leave. You just have convinced yourself that's the reason.

 

You can't go back and change the past. So what is the point of endlessly ruminating about "if only"?

 

I still believe you are choosing this. Your pain keeps you connected to her so you can pretend you two are still in some kind of relationship. Remember, she is not in the relationship any longer which means you are not either. Clinging to the pain does nothing to help you and it certainly will not bring her back.

 

Think ahead 5 or 10 or 25 years. Do you still want to be obsessing over "if only"? How do you imagine your life will be like in 5 or 10 or 25 years if you insist on continuing like this?

[rayj83]

But she did see that side of you. And you can't say for sure that's why she chose to leave. You just have convinced yourself that's the reason.

 

You can't go back and change the past. So what is the point of endlessly ruminating about "if only"?

 

I still believe you are choosing this. Your pain keeps you connected to her so you can pretend you two are still in some kind of relationship. Remember, she is not in the relationship any longer which means you are not either. Clinging to the pain does nothing to help you and it certainly will not bring her back.

 

Think ahead 5 or 10 or 25 years. Do you still want to be obsessing over "if only"? How do you imagine your life will be like in 5 or 10 or 25 years if you insist on continuing like this?

 

Thanks. I do not want to be doing that. She left and came back 3-4 times, said in the end it was a heart vs. head battle for her, and while I know, rationally, there is no chance she'd come back again, slamming that door shut completely is the hardest part for me because she's had a history of being flaky and coming in and out. Some part in my heart still believes she feels strongly for me, and believe that I can "fix" the issues she saw, however crazy that may sound. Some part of me still thinks that somehow in time fate may bring us back together and I'd have the chance to show her the better version of myself. But then I face the fact this time is different because she's with someone now for 5-6 months, she hasn't come back, she was way more definitive in telling me it's over and she doesn't see a future - I know people here will tell me I'm delusional for hanging on to hope, and I know I have to let it go, and I'm trying to. I just can't seem to find solace in any of this.

[boltnrun]

It doesn't matter if you insist on keeping some door open because she already walked out the door and closed it behind her.

 

Your choice, Ray. Live the remainder of the 60 to 70 more years you have on earth like this or do something different.