Heartbroken and Devastated

[rayj83]

Don’t know for sure but it’s all over social media in terms of them hanging out, liking each other’s posts. Even when I tried to reach out for the last time 5-6 weeks ago and was told not to contact her anymore - I mean I felt she wouldn’t do that unless she was with someone. I don’t know.

 

This guy just seems like the life of the party from watching his social media - fun, light, jovial. Everything I wasn’t in those moments

[rayj83]

Don’t see it right now. Just desperate to fix things with her. I scared her away.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you really need to stop blaming yourself.

 

You don't have that much influence on her or this situation.

[rayj83]

OP, you really need to stop blaming yourself.

 

You don't have that much influence on her or this situation.

 

I recognize that. But I’m just so stuck and can’t focus on work, taking care of myself, etc... The fact that this guy basically is my exact opposite From what I can gather (superficially fun/light, Incredibly social with everybody, videos of him constantly doing stupid things like dancing, etc...) reinforces everything I was missing and the times I scared her away and how I should have been better.

[boltnrun]

Please stop torturing yourself by looking at social media. Give yourself self love, not self hatred.

 

You are not a horrible person. Far from it.

[DQD]

Hi Buddy. Just read your opening message along with the following. The similarities between your situation and mine are spooky - even down to me about to turn 33 this month! I also feel like I have missed my chance to settle down with my soul mate. Speaking to people on here and reading their replies while I pour my emotions and heart out do help me though. When I get the sudden stomach sinking feeling, I reread the excellent advice posted by people who have commented on my thread and it starts to ease. Unfortunately it doesn't go completely, but I'm going to make a conscious decision tonight that this is enough moping around and every time I feel like that I need to get up off my ass and stop feeling sorry for myself, do something constructive!

 

Feeling sad is only natural, what helps me which is a different type of sad (haha) is watching feel good films from a mans point of view like forgetting sarah marshall! The bloke gets broken up with, goes through the cycles of denial, bargaining, missing her, crying alone at home listening to sad music - but right when he least expects it he meets a much better woman and his ex is left as single.

It has the added bonus of having some funny moments in too so next time you're feeling sad bang that film on anad if it doesn't work - have a laugh that im that crazy it works to pick me up!

 

Im a hypocrite for saying it, but chin up buddy and I hope it gets better soon. You're better than her and deserve better.

[rayj83]

Hi all. I hope you’re well. It’s been almost a few months now since I last posted. I’m still really struggling. She has moved on and with someone else and I’m sure moving in together. Engagement, marriage I’m sure will follow. I am completely broken and so angry about what happened but also that I can’t seem to move on.

[MissCanuck]

Hi all. I hope you’re well. It’s been almost a few months now since I last posted. I’m still really struggling. She has moved on and with someone else and I’m sure moving in together. Engagement, marriage I’m sure will follow. I am completely broken and so angry about what happened but also that I can’t seem to move on.

 

Sorry to hear you're still having a hard time, OP.

 

Before giving further insight into how best to move forward, can you clarify: are you still checking her and her boyfriend's social media?

[rayj83]

Yes :(

 

I can stop for a bit but then cave in.

[boltnrun]

Yes :(

 

I can stop for a bit but then cave in.

 

You do realize doing that does nothing to win her back but does everything to keep you struggling.

 

She isn't hurting you; YOU are.

 

I recommend you delete your social media so you can't check theirs.

[rayj83]

You do realize doing that does nothing to win her back but does everything to keep you struggling.

 

She isn't hurting you; YOU are.

 

I recommend you delete your social media so you can't check theirs.

 

So tell me what the hell do I do to get her back? I feel so stuck. It’s making me sick.

[boltnrun]

So tell me what the hell do I do to get her back? I feel so stuck. It’s making me sick.

 

She is in a relationship with someone else. "Getting" her back doesn't seem to be in the cards.

 

Working on accepting the relationship is over for good is your best bet.

 

What do you do for enjoyment? Do you exercise? Play a sport? Have a creative, artistic hobby? How about your friends and family, can you ask them to provide you with emotional support? Bear in mind, it can't be one-sided with you constantly going on and on about your ex, but support in getting you talking about other things.

 

It's important to do something different from what you've been doing. Read my first signature line below.

[rayj83]

I do have hobbies and interests but I’ve stopped all of it. I’m completely broken - from this but so many other things in my life like my isolation, financial issues, increased drinking since she’s left. I feel completely hopeless and just devastated. It should have been so different. It’s a joke where I am and what I’ve done. Had she not seen that side of me I maintain she wouldn’t have left. It caused a snowball effect where she began to look at me with a microscope - is he too sensitive? Too emotional? I have nothing else to say other than I just can’t move past this. And knowing she’s happy and work someone else, when I had hoped she might return given her past of doing that with me, is crushing me beyond belief. I wish I had the resilience in me. But I don’t. And I’ve never taken a break up this hard. It’s shattered me. It’s basically someone freezing you in your weakest moment, highlighting your biggest flaw, and running away. I was already kind of embarrassed about it - and now I can’t let myself live and be happy.

[boltnrun]

Time to seek professional help.

 

There's no shame in that. I reached out for help and I am now under the care of a medical doctor, a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I am on medication and am practicing things like breathing exercises and some light physical exercise.

 

If you broke your leg would you try to go it alone? Or would you see a doctor?

 

Your mental and emotional health should be treated the same way.

 

Please seek help, you will surely benefit.

 

And please stop the drinking. You don't need to become dependent on it and have more health issues as a result.

[rayj83]

But I have done all that and on medications. Nothing helps.

[LaHermes]

OP, she isn't coming back.

 

"So tell me what the hell do I do to get her back?"

 

You can't MAKE someone do anything.

Obsessive rumination is very bad for you, and for anyone.

 

She left because she WANTED to leave.

 

And I echo Bolt:

 

"I recommend you delete your social media so you can't check theirs."

 

Self-torture is most unproductive activity.

[boltnrun]

But I have done all that and on medications. Nothing helps.

 

You have attended therapy regularly? And I mean more than going once or twice and deciding it doesn't work. And medications, did you try them for a reasonable time? They take at least 4 weeks to really start working.

[rayj83]

You have attended therapy regularly? And I mean more than going once or twice and deciding it doesn't work. And medications, did you try them for a reasonable time? They take at least 4 weeks to really start working.

 

Yes. Been going to therapy regularly and on medications for years now.

[boltnrun]

Yes. Been going to therapy regularly and on medications for years now.

 

What does your therapist recommend?

 

I would imagine he or she would advise you to stop looking at your ex's and her boyfriend's social media.

 

Have you followed your therapist's advice?

[rayj83]

What does your therapist recommend?

 

I would imagine he or she would advise you to stop looking at your ex's and her boyfriend's social media.

 

Have you followed your therapist's advice?

 

Yes we’ve tried to work through it. Looking at their social media is obviously a bad idea. But even when I’m not I still can’t stop obsessing about it and how I blew it. I just am not finding anything helping me through this. It’s a really helpless feeling. I feel nobody has the answers.

[MissCanuck]

You have to stop making this worse by looking at their social media.

 

It’s not going to solve all your problems, but it is something you have you have to do if you ever expect to move on. It’s fuelling your obsession and enabling your self-loathing. You are standing in your own way and giving yourself permission to keep picking the scab by deciding that you obsess anyway so might as well see what she’s doing.

 

If you had an addiction to alcohol and were trying to get sober, but still took a shot of vodka now and then, would you really wonder why your addiction isn’t improving much?

[rayj83]

You have to stop making this worse by looking at their social media.

 

It’s not going to solve all your problems, but it is something you have you have to do if you ever expect to move on. It’s fuelling your obsession and enabling your self-loathing. You are standing in your own way and giving yourself permission to keep picking the scab by deciding that you obsess anyway so might as well see what she’s doing.

 

If you had an addiction to alcohol and were trying to get sober, but still took a shot of vodka now and then, would you really wonder why your addiction isn’t improving much?

 

I know - I just can't seem to accept and move forward. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble and I don't know how to get there. I still maintain that unless and until she comes back and gives me another chance, which I am very aware is incredibly unlikely, I can't be happy or love myself. And I also fear not finding someone like her - as beautiful, with which there is so much physical and emotional chemistry. The whole thing is just driving me mad - and knowing she's in the arms of someone new and it's very serious just makes me sick. I want to be happy for her - I do. But I just can't stop this.

[LaHermes]

Yes you do!

 

"I don't know how to get there".

 

"I just can't stop this."

 

You are a human adult, and have that thing called free will, or choice.

 

The choice is there. Self-destruct or make the most of the short life we are all given.

[bluecastle]

I still maintain that unless and until she comes back and gives me another chance, which I am very aware is incredibly unlikely, I can't be happy or love myself.

 

If your ability to love yourself is this connected to attention from another person, particularly someone with whom you never really got off the ground with in terms of building a relationship, I think you're going to find the business of living and loving very, very hard. I don't say that to be harsh, but to highlight what I think is at least partly what's keeping you in this loop: it allows you to avoid the hard, but satisfying, work of loving yourself so you can experience a much richer, more genuine love of others.

 

I'd also challenge yourself to rethink what you're calling "emotional chemistry." My definition? It's an emotional connection that continues to expand and deepen over time, proving strong, and getting stronger, regardless of what sharp elbows time delivers. Your history with her is kind of the opposite, no? Your emotional connection was "deepest" when you two were at your newest, in the shallow end of the pool? As you waded further in, the connection wasn't so sticky. Not saying that to diminish her, or you, or even whatever you guys had, but to encourage you to consider the idea that you're selling yourself short here.

 

There is a point, I think, when our obsession about another person is really a proxy for self-absorption, self-obsession, where we use "her" or "him" more as an excuse to wallow in ourselves rather than to grow ourselves. Feeding the ego at the expense of the heart, you could say. I could stare at a billboard of a movie star all day, every day, tell myself a tragic story about how we're meant to be, and feel all sorts of potent feelings. That would be self-obsession (ego) posturing as a connection with a celebrity (heart). The social media indulgence is kind of the same thing, especially once you reach the point where you've spent more time in that loop than anything co-created and co-experienced with and alongside someone.

 

Things to think about, or not, as you see fit. You can do this, get through this. You just have the choose to make different choices.

[LaHermes]

OP. I endorse every word Bluecastle has just written.

 

But then, you know all that.

 

"I just turned 33 and everyone in my circle my age is settled down with kids and married and I feel so behind. "

 

Aged 33!

 

Look, if you continue to carry on like this you will still be "behind" at 43. Is that what you want?

 

Meantime, do not compare yourself to others or where they are at.

 

You do not want to become "The Legend of the Lost Cause".

 

These words from an article by Leon F. Seltzer Ph.D.

 

"And if reason does finally prevail, it’s only because, sooner or later, the harsh truth of your position is inescapable. At some point, you realize that your dreams have overtaken your reality, and it’s time to re-adapt to the real world.