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Sexually frustrated


intrinsic76

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I have been with my partner for two and a half years. For quite some time, maybe the last 6 months, I have had a very hard time feeling aroused by him. Actually, the only sexual arousal I have ever felt for him was at the beginning of our relationship. The sexual attraction for me was not his looks, but instead it was his status, demeanor and confidence. But even then, it was not a strong sexual attraction. I have always had to get myself in the mood. By dressing up to feel sexy, fantasizing, just making myself initiate and hoping I'd get in the mood, etc. Sex is only enjoyable for us if I am in control. It's the only way either of us come. Not that I have to finish for it to be good. But I get turned off when he's on top. This has never been the case for me before. You may wonder why I would get so involved with someone I didn't have a strong sexual attraction to. I can tell you pretty simply. I am drawn to who he is as a person. And as time goes on, I realize much of my attraction to him is because of how he makes me feel - secure, appreciated, cared for. Maybe this is selfish. Maybe it's not a reason to stay with someone.

 

There is quite a bit that may be contributing to my loss of attraction. I don't know if it's even worth mentioning because it comes down to this - life happens, things are not perfect and will never be. But I am wondering if a relationship is even possible if you aren't physically attracted. I ask myself how I could have so easily got myself in the mood before and now just don't have any desire. And now I wonder if my sexual drive was initially, subconsciously motivated by my wanting this relationship to work. Maybe now I am not so sure I even want it. Maybe this isn't even about sex. That's just where it's showing up.

 

I ask myself why Im so resistant to leave him. Then I mentally note all the great things about our relationship. The other stuff, imperfections, emotional turn-offs, speed bumps, whatever you want to call them do not seem like reason enough to leave. But they turn me off. And without a physical attraction to fall back on, the sex is dead. Then the "problems" become exasperated when there is no physical intimacy. It's a cycle Im sure many of you are familiar with. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to fix.

 

Im not sure if there is question here. But writing this out helps.

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I would also like to add that we talk very openly about sex. I have told him what I like and spend as much time inquiring as to what he likes, we watch "how to" videos together to get ideas. I never show how dissatisfied I am and am sensitive to his feelings. But even with the very direct feedback, he just doesn't interact with me the way I crave. I feel it is what it is and that if Im going to enjoy myself, I just have to make it enjoyable myself.

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Thanks for asking. The trip was pretty strained. I was glad to get home. We had a good, honest talk about it all and he responded the best I could have asked for. He is still dealing with many issues. Mostly health issues. But he does not seem to be depressed and is seeing a therapist which is helpful to him.

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I think sex is vitally important in my own relationships so I could never feel fulfilled in the arrangement you’re describing. That said, I can see the attraction of feeling secure and cared for. “To thine own self be true” said Polonius in Hamlet...which implies that you take the time to truly know yourself, and then rigorously honor what you find...

 

If you stay can you be faithful?

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This is about you not him. Perhaps you need a fetish situation or are unhealthy or depressed. Have you been to a doctor lately regarding your hormones, overall health and emotional health? This is not about who's on top, is it? You could move on from him, but without looking inward the problem will just repeat itself after the novelty/thrill wears off.

Sex is only enjoyable for us if I am in control.
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At the beginning, you talked yourself into trying because of all the good things, regardless of lacking sexual chemistry. Now that the newness has worn away, you are facing the reality that trying wasn't enough.

 

If he knew everything going on in your mind, do you think he'd want someone who is basically settling? And you are preventing him from finding a lifetime partner who is crazy about him and has 100 percent confidence in being with him.

 

I'd cut it off now, so you can eventually find a man who has everything you desire, not just 80 percent.

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If it's not working out, you move on. His issues are not yours to solve or for you to wait and see if there will be a dramatic change. You will always have struggles. That's not a stable, happy relaitonship is all about....find the right person is.

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