Flirting with married woman - Confusion

[wegotdodgson]

Does the idea of marriage make you feel old and trapped? Why is this happening now?

 

Well, yes, this last week. Because I was happier thinking that that was all I was going to get from my life, that married people just lose intimacy, that it happens to everyone. It's a cliche you hear often enough, I just didn't think it would happen to me.

[wegotdodgson]

It's great that you are each other's best friend - good marriages work that way for sure. However, what's in bold....sounds more like detrimental TMI than being open and honest with each other. What purpose does it serve to tell your wife that you are enjoying the flirtations of other women? I know I said that you need to tell her bluntly what occurred due to the sexual problems you are having, but if you've been just sharing this sort of information with her over the general course of your relationship, I can see how she may be completely turned off and emotionally distanced when it comes to intimacy. There is a big difference between this one even t happened and it shook me and you need to know how bad things are between us v. oh hey I just get all tingly when other women are flirting with me. Does that make sense?

 

Second thing that's becoming a bit confusing initially I think you said that you barely have sex once a month or less and she rejects your advances otherwise. Now you are implying that your only issue is that she doesn't come on to you. So which is it? Because these are two completely different issues.

 

If you want to fix your problems, you've got to be both, completely honest with yourself and also clear what the real issue is. No changing, no whitewashing, no getting defensive, etc. because that will not help your marriage.

 

The other suggestion is rather than telling her what you need, ask her why she isn't interested and listen carefully, especially if she tells you things you don't want to hear. Ask her to be brutally honest with you and really mean it.

 

I see what you mean, but there have been maybe three such instances over 10 years, so it's not a regular thing by any stretch. I see people checking out my wife all the time but she rarely realises it, but if she did have someone come on to her I'd want her to feel she could tell me. In fact she did have a colleague come onto her about 5 years ago (the 'I don't mind that you have a husband' type), she told me about it and, to be honest, we both just took it as a compliment.

 

It's both things. We have sex once a month, but only because I've done everything to make it happen. I would like sex more often, I have no idea what is 'normal' or average, but twice a week, hell once a week would be an improvement. I'd also like it so that it wasn't always me trying to keep the romance alive (and getting shrugged off). That never feels good.

 

I'll give it all some more thought and have another chat with her.

[tattoobunnie]

As unromantic as this may sound; schedule in sex. Pick one day a week and time, and just do it, no matter what you two have going on. I mean, add it to your Outlook calendars, or whatever app you have. And you are not her counselor. Tell her venting for an hour each day is not going to help. Tell her she has 10 minutes to get on her soapbox, and then, you both go exercise together. Get the blood flowing to your nether regions. Even like a walk outside while holding hands.

 

Get the Cosmo Kama Sutra book, and do one new position in there each time.

 

Sex is like glue for a marriage, and grease for your relationship, you need to regular tune your bodies up to get into the swing of things.

 

And go on weekend trips to bed and breakfasts. Or somewhere tropical if you can. I don't care how cheesy; do it! Then add in some adrenaline moving things like zip-lining, riding ATVs, jet-skiing, snorkeling, etc.

 

You cannot keep doing the same things over and over, and expect different results. Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DancingFool]

I see what you mean, but there have been maybe three such instances over 10 years, so it's not a regular thing by any stretch. I see people checking out my wife all the time but she rarely realises it, but if she did have someone come on to her I'd want her to feel she could tell me. In fact she did have a colleague come onto her about 5 years ago (the 'I don't mind that you have a husband' type), she told me about it and, to be honest, we both just took it as a compliment.

 

It's both things. We have sex once a month, but only because I've done everything to make it happen. I would like sex more often, I have no idea what is 'normal' or average, but twice a week, hell once a week would be an improvement. I'd also like it so that it wasn't always me trying to keep the romance alive (and getting shrugged off). That never feels good.

 

I'll give it all some more thought and have another chat with her.

 

I see, well that makes sense then.

 

So since you've already tried telling her what you need and it hasn't really worked, I'd still say, ask her what's up with her and why she isn't interested. I mean it could be so many things like stress, some kind of suppressed resentments, even some health issues she might not be aware of, whatever birth control she is on can cause this as it alters hormones. The problem with someone having a low libido is that they don't feel like they are missing something and it's difficult for them to understand that their partner is suffering because they just aren't feeling that need. What I'm saying is that it isn't necessarily intentional or malignant, just a personal lack of awareness on a fundamental level. It's like you complain, they care and hear you, but even if they try to be better for a bit, that drive just isn't present, so they fall off the wagon without actually meaning to. That doesn't mean that you have to continue to suffer in silence or feel lonely in a marriage.

 

I think it's a combination of both, you need to ask her about what's her deal and also get much much more assertive that this is a very serious problem for you and for your marriage and she needs to get that message loud and clear. My impression is still that her complacency needs to get shaken up a bit, that you tend to tip toe around the issue too much, so you never get results because it kind of goes over her head a bit like just a bit of nagging. You'll nag and then life returns to normal from her perspective.....but it can't continue like that. Fire both shots and see what happens. You really don't have much to loose here from the sounds of it.

[Skeptic76]

I don’t give advice but I’ll share my experience And who knows but maybe it will add to your perspective: I left a woman I loved, and who truly loved me for fear I might cheat on her. Similar circumstances: sex was great *when it happened* but wasn’t getting enough to really satisfy me.

 

Now that I broke up with her I wish I could go back in time. If I knew then what I know now, lol. I guess at my stage of life (I’m 43) I just discovered how much of a higher value I place on love and a good companion over sex. Porn and fidelity over lost love and meaningless sex any day of the week my dude. That’s how I see it today.