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Flirting with married woman - Confusion


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A pre-emptive apology for the long post. I guess it's therapeutic to write stuff down.

 

My wife and I are both mid-thirties and have been together for 10 years, married for 3. We've both had a few relationships before we met. It's been a fairly solid relationship (we have a house and two dogs, but neither of us want kids) but, like most I guess, not without its faults. She has a stressful job, so I provide a lot of the emotional support for that and pull most of the weight looking after the domestic stuff. I’m certain that I’m not perfect either.

 

Our diminishing sex life has been a big issue for me for years, once a month is probably the reality. I know we both enjoy it, there is always the response 'that was great, why don't we do that more often?!', but it just doesn't happen unless I instigate it. And believe me I try; sensitively, regularly, variedly, romantically, impulsively, in fact any way I can to add spice back in, but nearly always to no avail. Following advice from different sources I have raised the subject on a few occasions and had calm rational discussions about it, but whilst she fully agrees with me and wants to work on it, it just never changes. Neither of us wants to give up on the relationship, as the mutual love and respect is still there. Reading other posts this is a familiar tale.

 

My wife is very attractive and unquestionably loves me sincerely and deeply, but I just don't feel that she has a strong physical attraction to me. I'm sure it wasn't always this way, but maybe time has just put a rose tint on things. I hadn't realised the insidious effect that this was having on my self-esteem, which in turn was impacting on my health (why bother to keep fit?) and social life (who would be interested in me anyway?). It had become a comfort to believe these things, when perhaps rationally I know that they aren’t true.

 

It isn’t just the big things either, but I feel that my wife finds a large part of my identity fairly uninteresting. I’m active, I’m sociable, I like to travel, I’m tattooed, I restore old vehicles, I ride a motorbike, I drive a classic car – I know that I should feel lucky that my wife loves me for me, not for anything so shallow, but common interest is a turn on. She always supports my passions but does not share them; I know that she would always rather a night in cuddling the dogs than anything more adventurous.

 

Fast forward to last weekend. My wife was at home working and I went out with some joint friends of ours for drinks. I can drink quite a bit without feeling too much the worse for wear, others apparently couldn’t. The husband of one of our friends retired early, his wife stayed out. Much to my surprise she came on to me, explicitly, telling me all sorts of flattering things - how attractive, sexy, fascinating, genuine and funny I was. More than this, she loves the things that I’m into; tracing my tattoos with her fingers. All the clichés. It blindsided me, not just because here was a close, married friend telling me these things, but because I’d long ago stopped believing them about myself. She is delicious to look at and, despite the pressure from my boxers telling me otherwise, I didn’t want an affair, I didn’t want a kiss, I just wanted to keep hearing nice things about me as it made me feel alive. How very depressing. Like a five year old feeling pleased with a gold star from the teacher.

 

A week later and I’m still reeling from it all. Porn has done nothing to quell these feelings. My married friend has got the ‘alcohol amnesia’, which is fine by me as I’d hate to ruin a good friendship with the two of them. However I can’t shake the intense emotions that this has surfaced. It has created a gaping void in my chest now; knowing that I’m not too old / too unfit / too boring - and wanting change, wanting to feel desirable again. I have a new zest for life, picking up old exercise habits, eating healthier, being more sociable, simply living life more. I think all of the things that people in an affair do and feel, if TV is to be believed, just without the fun bits.

 

If I’m honest this is not the first time this has happened in our relationship. People have flirted with me before (mostly unsolicited); I enjoyed it and then hated the guilt afterwards. But I was younger then and I still had that unshakable belief in myself that youth gives you. I had also thought that our sex life would eventually improve; now, not so much. Is it wrong to want more from life when everything else is going so well?

 

So what are your experiences? Am I to become some mad serial flirter searching to continually top up my flagging self-esteem? That seems both miserable and risky, one too many drinks and flirting becomes infidelity and I couldn’t do that to my wife and it would be a knock to my identity that I couldn’t take. That said, I have fleetingly considered making myself the villain as it would make a break up easier, how selfish is that? I feel like Dorian Gray about to break the heart of Sybil Vane.

 

Writing this I wonder what advice I would offer if asked the same question. I’d probably say that the romance has died and you are looking for an escape. Flirting is a desperate cry for help that no one can hear. If you can’t fix the relationship you should move on. I hope I’m not right, that’s why I’m here.

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You were flattered, who wouldn't be so don't be so hard on yourself. Now, the thing to do is never be alone with that particular "friend" again. Keep it real, *Wegotdodgson*

 

I think you should tell your wife that she came onto you and how flattered you were with that attention, tell her that you miss that shot of adrenalin that she raised up in you and that you miss getting that kind of attention from her (your wife). Suggest going to a marriage counselor or a sex counselor to get back the passion you've BOTH let dwindle. You are taking each other for granted now and that is what is leading to the lack of passion in your bond.

 

You love and respect one another so this can certainly be saved and I am going to assume that you have enough integrity not to let that adrenalin rush lead you down the wrong path. If you feel guilty over simple flirting then you will devastate yourself if cave to your lust over said flirting.

 

I won't advise you to leave her until you've done everything you can to get back the passion and a professional therapist (sex or marital) will give you some tools to get you back where you once were with each other.

 

Good luck.

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First thing is you do need to distance yourself from these so called friends. This friend's wife just basically showed you that she is a w.... and that's not pretty, not attractive, not actually flattering to you. Cheating is a line you do not want to cross because it won't be just your own guilt, but all kinds of harsh consequences and society at large looking at you and judging as less than human. If your self esteem is low now, it will sink further complete with self loathing.

 

That said, it is a wake up call for you just how far your marriage has gone down the drain. So what is my advice on that? I think you need to show your wife this post and wake her up out of her complacency. It sounds like you've become comfortable roommates and she is taking your passivity for granted. Like sure, you'll try and complain a bit here and there, but in the end, you'll just shut up and put up and tip toe around her. She needs to get shaken out of that with a brutally honest and blunt message from you that her marriage is actually on the line and put in those words. I also think you two need to find some mutual hobbies. It's good to have separate interests, but it's important to have at least one or two things in common that is "your thing" as a couple. Work on that.

 

If the above doesn't work, then I'm sorry but you need to file for a divorce before you get branded as a cheating low life. Yes, there is life after divorce. That said, nobody is responsible for your self esteem but you. Your wife isn't actually making you feel insecure. Undesired and hungry for human contact, sure, but insecure and feeling low about yourself, that part is purely on you. If you feel insecure, you need to fix that without relying on other people to make you feel good about you.

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Agree with other posters. Speak to your wife. Marriage is tough. It takes open communication and a willingness to work on it when things aren't going so well.

 

10 years is a long time together, it's normal to get a bit bored of each other/sex life diminishing.

 

Best of luck.

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I agree with Dancing Fool. Something stuck out to me from the beginning of your post - you write "She has a stressful job, so I provide a lot of the emotional support for that". I'm really surprised that you would evaluate who provides "more" emotional support -as if it's a known quantity, as if there's some sort of keeping score. Are you referring to actions you do to provide support that take time -like does she ask you for an hour long massage every day while she vents - are you supposed to be on call to take calls/texts from her venting about work? I really don't get it. I would think that in a serious friendship, romantic relationship or marriage that both people involved would have times they need more support from the other and that if it's so imbalanced so that it's all one sided -- all the time --- that would clearly not be a healthful relationship. But the way you put it - it's as if you're analyzing your interactions and quantifying it in what comes across as odd and concerning. And she is an adult. So if her job is really stressful AND she wants to keep the job then as an adult she has to behave in a reasonably mature way, not subject you to all her venting -either find others to vent to or other outlets like cardio or angry cleaning.

 

At some point you two had enough in common to fall in love and get married. Was she interested in your interests and no longer or is it now just bothering you.

 

I do wish you the best and I think you have some great input here on the "affair" related issues from the other posters.

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Unfortunately it sounds like one of your tattoo ticking drinking buddies will end up in an affair with you. You are setting the table rather well for that. She will tell you her husband is boring like roommates, etc and you will tell her your wife is cold and doesn't share your passion, etc. and soon you'll be at the front desk of the local hourly motel. That's how it happens and you already know this. Stop blaming your wife. If you wanted to improve your marriage you would be in marital therapy, not bars.

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You very much need to talk to your wife. This was the cold wake-up call that your marriage is not in a good place and it's a slippery slope from this to full-blown cheating one of these days.

 

Would she (and you) be open to marriage couselling?

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Time to seek couple's therapy. What you have been doing isn't working and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Blaming her for letting yourself go and for your middle age crisis isn't fair imo. It does sound like your sex drives may be incompatible but letting yourself go is your own fault no matter how you cut it.

 

Plus, there is nothing respectful about thinking of cheating as a way out of your marriage. You have every right to ask for a divorce but the moment you cheat you loose all rights to talking about "respect" and "love". If you ever loved her and if you want to call yourself a decent man, you should seek couple's therapy as a last effort and if it fails then ask for a divorce. Anything else is lazy and a coward's way out. Your marriage is in serious trouble. Either try one last time to fix it or get out.

 

P.S. It is unfair to compare your wife to that woman. Rest assured that she told you what you wanted to hear in order to get in your pants. Yet, her lack of integrity is what you would end up with at the end of the day if you were ever to get with her or anyone willing to get with a married man. Actions speak louder that words. She may have told you what you wanted to hear but the words of a cheater mean squat.

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Time to seek couple's therapy. What you have been doing isn't working and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Blaming her for letting yourself go and for your middle age crisis isn't fair imo. It does sound like your sex drives may be incompatible but letting yourself go is your own fault no matter how you cut it.

 

Plus, there is nothing respectful about thinking of cheating as a way out of your marriage. You have every right to ask for a divorce but the moment you cheat you loose all rights to talking about "respect" and "love". If you ever loved her and if you want to call yourself a decent man, you should seek couple's therapy as a last effort and if it fails then ask for a divorce. Anything else is lazy and a coward's way out. Your marriage is in serious trouble. Either try one last time to fix it or get out.

 

P.S. It is unfair to compare your wife to that woman. Rest assured that she told you what you wanted to hear in order to get in your pants. Yet, her lack of integrity is what you would end up with at the end of the day if you were ever to get with her or anyone willing to get with a married man. Actions speak louder that words. She may have told you what you wanted to hear but the words of a cheater mean squat.

 

Emphasis added and amen to that.

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No one has cheated, Yet!

 

That's kind of the point of the advice from posters. Stop and either fix his marriage or leave before cheating happens. Feeling so low and then so elated and energized by some married w.. approaching him and whispering sweet nothings in his ear while she strokes him is really but a short step away from full blown cheating. OP needs to work on his self esteem and his marriage or admit that things aren't working out and leave properly before he gets tempted any further. What happened is literally a wake up call and his wife needs to hear it straight up. I think she has the right to know just how far her marriage has sunk and either they both take active steps to salvage things or they need to part ways because it's not working out and long before they damage each other any further with extramarital affairs.

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I'm addressing the quote "The words of a cheater mean squat." No one has cheated yet.

 

Depends how you define cheating. A married woman hitting on another man, calling him sexy yadda, yadda and touching him in a sexually suggestive way displays cheating behaviour imo. If you define cheating as sex acts only and would be ok with your significant other pulling such crap then sure, by your definition no one has cheated.

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Thank you for all of the responses, I have read them all many times now. I think this is a really perceptive forum, picking up on things that I maybe didn’t want to admit to myself. I expected, perhaps wanted, righteous condemnation of my actions, but your advice has gone further than that. You have all taken the time to write down your thoughts and I would like to extend the courtesy of a response to all of you. But first I wanted to add some further detail as when I posted yesterday and I was waiting for it to be approved, I felt that what I had written concentrated on the negative aspects of my relationship, only the aspects that I was having a problem with.

 

I have had three happy years of marriage to what is my absolute best friend. The person in the whole world that knows me best, far more so than family or life-long school friends. I’m certain that she feels the same way. However it does also occur to me that ‘best friend’ is an apt description of our relationship in other ways, as most weeks there is almost no intimacy, just support and companionship.

 

I don’t know why I didn’t mention it, but I share everything with my wife. I cannot think of one secret that we have ever had between us. I have told her every time someone has flirted with me and every time I have enjoyed it, leaving out any upsetting details. She understands my reasons for the way I feel and wants to work on them, but I have long since lost all hope of any permanent improvement.

 

Anyway, I’ll respond to your more specific suggestions and thoughts now.

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You were flattered, who wouldn't be so don't be so hard on yourself. Now, the thing to do is never be alone with that particular "friend" again. Keep it real, *Wegotdodgson*

 

I think you should tell your wife that she came onto you and how flattered you were with that attention, tell her that you miss that shot of adrenalin that she raised up in you and that you miss getting that kind of attention from her (your wife). Suggest going to a marriage counselor or a sex counselor to get back the passion you've BOTH let dwindle. You are taking each other for granted now and that is what is leading to the lack of passion in your bond.

 

You love and respect one another so this can certainly be saved and I am going to assume that you have enough integrity not to let that adrenalin rush lead you down the wrong path. If you feel guilty over simple flirting then you will devastate yourself if cave to your lust over said flirting.

 

I won't advise you to leave her until you've done everything you can to get back the passion and a professional therapist (sex or marital) will give you some tools to get you back where you once were with each other.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for your comments, they reflect what I would like to feel. I should have mentioned it, but I did confess the flirting with my with (and how it made me feel). We had the same rational discussion that we had dozens of times before and I guess that it why I don't believe that lasting change will happen.

 

There have been a few suggestions to pursue couples counselling. As a reserved Englishman not used to discussing feelings the notion is seriously uncomfortable to me and I think it would be for my wife too. I'm not even sure if such services exist local to me, but I want to make things work so will look into this some more, thank you.

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First thing is you do need to distance yourself from these so called friends. This friend's wife just basically showed you that she is a w.... and that's not pretty, not attractive, not actually flattering to you. Cheating is a line you do not want to cross because it won't be just your own guilt, but all kinds of harsh consequences and society at large looking at you and judging as less than human. If your self esteem is low now, it will sink further complete with self loathing.

 

That said, it is a wake up call for you just how far your marriage has gone down the drain. So what is my advice on that? I think you need to show your wife this post and wake her up out of her complacency. It sounds like you've become comfortable roommates and she is taking your passivity for granted. Like sure, you'll try and complain a bit here and there, but in the end, you'll just shut up and put up and tip toe around her. She needs to get shaken out of that with a brutally honest and blunt message from you that her marriage is actually on the line and put in those words. I also think you two need to find some mutual hobbies. It's good to have separate interests, but it's important to have at least one or two things in common that is "your thing" as a couple. Work on that.

 

If the above doesn't work, then I'm sorry but you need to file for a divorce before you get branded as a cheating low life. Yes, there is life after divorce. That said, nobody is responsible for your self esteem but you. Your wife isn't actually making you feel insecure. Undesired and hungry for human contact, sure, but insecure and feeling low about yourself, that part is purely on you. If you feel insecure, you need to fix that without relying on other people to make you feel good about you.

 

I'm not sure of the 'w...' reference, but I'll assume it's not flattering! You are absolutely right and on considering the matter further I think this woman's flirting was a statement on her own marriage, rather than anything else. Thank you for your rational thoughts on cheating, I shall try to bear than in mind when my pants are trying to wrestle decision making control from my brain. The notion of physical cheating does indeed make me feel sick.

 

Your comments on our marriage are hard to hear, and my natural reaction is to defend it and to defend my wife. The reality is probably closer to your words than I care to admit. I think I do need to take this whole incident as a wake up call.

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I agree with the others advise. Share this with your wife.

 

Agree with other posters. Speak to your wife. Marriage is tough. It takes open communication and a willingness to work on it when things aren't going so well.

 

10 years is a long time together, it's normal to get a bit bored of each other/sex life diminishing.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thank you both. At the risk of sounding like a complete douche, I feel that we are at the stage where other people are having kids in their relationships and that gives them a shared goal and purpose. Having a family can maybe 'paper over the cracks' when there are other issues in a marriage. We don't have that (we don't want it), and so to me at least, these issues are always on my mind.

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I agree with Dancing Fool. Something stuck out to me from the beginning of your post - you write "She has a stressful job, so I provide a lot of the emotional support for that". I'm really surprised that you would evaluate who provides "more" emotional support -as if it's a known quantity, as if there's some sort of keeping score. Are you referring to actions you do to provide support that take time -like does she ask you for an hour long massage every day while she vents - are you supposed to be on call to take calls/texts from her venting about work? I really don't get it. I would think that in a serious friendship, romantic relationship or marriage that both people involved would have times they need more support from the other and that if it's so imbalanced so that it's all one sided -- all the time --- that would clearly not be a healthful relationship. But the way you put it - it's as if you're analyzing your interactions and quantifying it in what comes across as odd and concerning. And she is an adult. So if her job is really stressful AND she wants to keep the job then as an adult she has to behave in a reasonably mature way, not subject you to all her venting -either find others to vent to or other outlets like cardio or angry cleaning.

 

At some point you two had enough in common to fall in love and get married. Was she interested in your interests and no longer or is it now just bothering you.

 

I do wish you the best and I think you have some great input here on the "affair" related issues from the other posters.

 

It's strange that you should pick up on what I thought was a throwaway comment. We both had difficult jobs, and having a supportive partner is a good way of dealing with the stress that that can generate. I pursued a career change to remove this source of stress from my life and it has been a great success, my wife is still in the same stressful career though, and for an hour or so after work, every day, I am her counsellor. I don't complain, that's what a supportive relationship is about. I don't keep tabs, I certainly don't point score, but it is undoubtedly one sided. She appreciates the support though, and that's good enough for me.

 

I think it is probably particularly perceptive that you have picked up on this as it is also one of the reasons often quoted by my wife for a lack of intimacy. There's no kiss after coming in from work as she needs to 'off load', there is no time for sex, she is too stressed to relax etc.

 

I wrote the comments about my interests as it was on my mind. I feel now that they are probably a bit immature. A lot immature, actually. My interests just happen to be things that some women find attractive, just not my wife. So what if I look like Steve McQueen on a motorbike, my wife likes me for me, not for any particular look or hobby. I shall work on finding a shared interest, beyond a couple of holidays every year.

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Unfortunately it sounds like one of your tattoo ticking drinking buddies will end up in an affair with you. You are setting the table rather well for that. She will tell you her husband is boring like roommates, etc and you will tell her your wife is cold and doesn't share your passion, etc. and soon you'll be at the front desk of the local hourly motel. That's how it happens and you already know this. Stop blaming your wife. If you wanted to improve your marriage you would be in marital therapy, not bars.

 

Your thoughts have conjured up such mixed emotions I am not sure what to make of them. I am not sure if this is some sort of reverse psychology or just a jaded response to an issue that you have encountered many times on this forum. Maybe you are right, by having such thoughts it is now inevitable, but I'd like to think that by reaching out to someone that I don't want it to happen.

 

I have now mentioned it in other responses, but the counselling is something that I will look into, although my gut reaction is that it is not for us. That could be a cultural thing, as I think counselling is more prevalent in the USA. I am not scouting bars to flirt, I was going out with joint friends, friends that my wife has seen without me. I had not even considered when I went out that night that these these issues and feelings would arise.

 

The mature response to my thoughts is indeed to blame myself, not my wife, so I'll think about that some more.

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You very much need to talk to your wife. This was the cold wake-up call that your marriage is not in a good place and it's a slippery slope from this to full-blown cheating one of these days.

 

Would she (and you) be open to marriage couselling?

 

Time to seek couple's therapy. What you have been doing isn't working and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Blaming her for letting yourself go and for your middle age crisis isn't fair imo. It does sound like your sex drives may be incompatible but letting yourself go is your own fault no matter how you cut it.

 

Plus, there is nothing respectful about thinking of cheating as a way out of your marriage. You have every right to ask for a divorce but the moment you cheat you loose all rights to talking about "respect" and "love". If you ever loved her and if you want to call yourself a decent man, you should seek couple's therapy as a last effort and if it fails then ask for a divorce. Anything else is lazy and a coward's way out. Your marriage is in serious trouble. Either try one last time to fix it or get out.

 

P.S. It is unfair to compare your wife to that woman. Rest assured that she told you what you wanted to hear in order to get in your pants. Yet, her lack of integrity is what you would end up with at the end of the day if you were ever to get with her or anyone willing to get with a married man. Actions speak louder that words. She may have told you what you wanted to hear but the words of a cheater mean squat.

 

Thank you both. This is sound advice and really something that someone like me needs to hear.

 

I might have given the impression that I've let myself go a bit, but the fact is that I still wear the same size jeans I did ten years ago, although perhaps my chest is not so firm and my belt a litter tighter. It's the small things; I didn't jog as much as I used to, I would go for that dessert after a meal out, I would order that takeaway after a bad week. Rationally speaking, I'm attractive and well built, I just so desperately want to feel it from my wife.

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That's kind of the point of the advice from posters. Stop and either fix his marriage or leave before cheating happens. Feeling so low and then so elated and energized by some married w.. approaching him and whispering sweet nothings in his ear while she strokes him is really but a short step away from full blown cheating. OP needs to work on his self esteem and his marriage or admit that things aren't working out and leave properly before he gets tempted any further. What happened is literally a wake up call and his wife needs to hear it straight up. I think she has the right to know just how far her marriage has sunk and either they both take active steps to salvage things or they need to part ways because it's not working out and long before they damage each other any further with extramarital affairs.

 

There have been a few responses with suggestions that I might cheat on my wife, following the slippery slope that I have started on. Or that this level of flirting counts as emotional cheating. I’m not going to try and define it, and I’m sure that I have crossed a line, but I know that the last week of sleepless nights and emotional turmoil over someone flirting with me, kind of precludes me from pursuing anything physical. The very thought makes me feel sick.

 

Conversely, and this is the thing that I can’t shake, because I had momentarily thought about cheating it has made me question my relationship with my wife, a relationship that I had thought was pretty solid.

 

I just don’t understand it. My wife has never once looked at anyone else, ever. I think she finds me attractive, but I just don’t feel it. She loves sex, I love sex, but it’s never been something that she initiates. It’s not just sex, any form of intimacy is always on my terms, kissing after work, in the morning – nothing. You all might be better people than me, but when you are the only one to make romantic effort in a relationship you are then also the only one that ever gets knocked back, that can only be a hit to your self esteem. Otherwise, I'm a focussed, driven person.

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I just don’t understand it. My wife has never once looked at anyone else, ever. I think she finds me attractive, but I just don’t feel it. She loves sex, I love sex, but it’s never been something that she initiates. It’s not just sex, any form of intimacy is always on my terms, kissing after work, in the morning – nothing. You all might be better people than me, but when you are the only one to make romantic effort in a relationship you are then also the only one that ever gets knocked back, that can only be a hit to your self esteem.

 

You may want to read up on the Five love languages. Google it. It sounds like the way that you need to be loved might not be the way she was taught to show love during her upbringing. Her never initiating is not about how she feels about you, it's probably about the way she was raised and what was considered "proper" regarding expressing intimacy within her family while growing up.

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I don’t know why I didn’t mention it, but I share everything with my wife. I cannot think of one secret that we have ever had between us. I have told her every time someone has flirted with me and every time I have enjoyed it, leaving out any upsetting details. She understands my reasons for the way I feel and wants to work on them, but I have long since lost all hope of any permanent improvement.

 

There have been a few responses with suggestions that I might cheat on my wife, following the slippery slope that I have started on. Or that this level of flirting counts as emotional cheating. I’m not going to try and define it, and I’m sure that I have crossed a line, but I know that the last week of sleepless nights and emotional turmoil over someone flirting with me, kind of precludes me from pursuing anything physical. The very thought makes me feel sick.

 

Conversely, and this is the thing that I can’t shake, because I had momentarily thought about cheating it has made me question my relationship with my wife, a relationship that I had thought was pretty solid.

 

I just don’t understand it. My wife has never once looked at anyone else, ever. I think she finds me attractive, but I just don’t feel it. She loves sex, I love sex, but it’s never been something that she initiates. It’s not just sex, any form of intimacy is always on my terms, kissing after work, in the morning – nothing. You all might be better people than me, but when you are the only one to make romantic effort in a relationship you are then also the only one that ever gets knocked back, that can only be a hit to your self esteem. Otherwise, I'm a focussed, driven person.

 

It's great that you are each other's best friend - good marriages work that way for sure. However, what's in bold....sounds more like detrimental TMI than being open and honest with each other. What purpose does it serve to tell your wife that you are enjoying the flirtations of other women? I know I said that you need to tell her bluntly what occurred due to the sexual problems you are having, but if you've been just sharing this sort of information with her over the general course of your relationship, I can see how she may be completely turned off and emotionally distanced when it comes to intimacy. There is a big difference between this one even t happened and it shook me and you need to know how bad things are between us v. oh hey I just get all tingly when other women are flirting with me. Does that make sense?

 

Second thing that's becoming a bit confusing initially I think you said that you barely have sex once a month or less and she rejects your advances otherwise. Now you are implying that your only issue is that she doesn't come on to you. So which is it? Because these are two completely different issues.

 

If you want to fix your problems, you've got to be both, completely honest with yourself and also clear what the real issue is. No changing, no whitewashing, no getting defensive, etc. because that will not help your marriage.

 

The other suggestion is rather than telling her what you need, ask her why she isn't interested and listen carefully, especially if she tells you things you don't want to hear. Ask her to be brutally honest with you and really mean it.

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