Issues with in laws

[maew]

When you get to know there’s a barbecue couple of hours before ? She has the whole kitchen blocked doing her things. All I could do is ask if she needs help with stuff. I do cook everyday

 

You could go to the grocery store and by prepared food, or ask for a little space to whip something up. I have a special diet that I adhere to and by no means do I expect anyone to be responsible for adhering to it on my behalf...I just make sure that I either eat before I go places or that I bring something with me that I know I can eat.

 

I don't understand why you are expecting them to cook for you... or why you are upset that they are having a bbq in the house they live in. Or why you would even choose to live in such a situation where you knew you would be unhappy. The reality is that you did choose this, so continuing to be angry and resentful is not going to get you anywhere. If you don't want to live there then find a way to move on... or find some acceptance and gratitude for your situation, which is having a free place to live with all of your food, bills and housing paid for.

[j.man]

I was gonna cook and What can you do when kitchen is being used. I can’t tell her get out so I can cook. Don’t you think when you have family gathering you cooking for everyone apart from one person isn’t that rude? Does that make me feel like I am a part of family?

Why would they? I'm not calling them saints, but I highly doubt they're idiots. You've been there six months now, no job, and evidently without any consideration of getting one until your husband upset you bringing up the idea of you getting one part-time to contribute to household expenses. And if you'd rather give the money to your husband for him to more formally join with his contribution, so be it. It's semantics at that point. Bottom line is the mother put down the deposit on the home. Your husband pays the mortgage. Sorry, but flip the script with your husband not working, complaining about the idea of contributing 50 quid or the mother not cooking him food, and you'd quite understandably hear calls of "deadbeat" all the way from the hills. Yes, you and your husband are a marital unit. However, and God forbid it, if for whatever reason my wife and I needed to move in with her parents next week, I wouldn't get to just kick my feet up because her paycheck suffices-- certainly not if I expected them to accept and respect me as family. Your husband is their blood. You're not. If you want respect, you need the merits to command it.

[Billie28]

I was gonna cook and What can you do when kitchen is being used. I can’t tell her get out so I can cook. Don’t you think when you have family gathering you cooking for everyone apart from one person isn’t that rude? Does that make me feel like I am a part of family?

 

It wasn’t a family gathering.

Your husband wasn’t going to be there. You just happened to be there because you don’t have a job yet.

It was the half owner of the house(your mil) and her son (your bil) that were having people over.

 

They did let you know. You said you knew that morning.

 

No you can’t kick someone out of their own kitchen, you can respect their time in their kitchen and cook before or after them.

You aren’t contributing financially , no reason not to do so either, so don’t make demands. Sorry! Being a “wife” doesn’t give you that superiority. Sorry you think it does!

You don’t get on with them, you don’t like them, they don’t like you either.

The mil contributed significantly to the house , neither you or the bil have contributed anything.

 

Until you start contributing, you have nothing to complain about.

[rainy446]

My post had nothing to do with getting along with them day to day and everything to do about establishing a marital home with your husband and trying to understand why he and you would put up with being absorbed as a daughter vs being a wife. They could be the nicest people in the world and still living in a communal arrangement with mother as the lady of the house is not appropriate for newlyweds. Its not mentally healthy. Why did you marry him and also why did you go along with this arrangement instead of insisting you move into a tiny tiny space to save money to buy a place together in a few years?

 

Why did I marry him? The same reason anyone marries someone. We love each other and being apart for long was painful so we wanted to get married because we love each other and I did ask him to wait but he couldn’t be patient since he considered it an opportunity to have something on his name instead of paying rent.

[abitbroken]

Why did I marry him? The same reason anyone marries someone. We love each other and being apart for long was painful so we wanted to get married because we love each other and I did ask him to wait but he couldn’t be patient since he considered it an opportunity to have something on his name instead of paying rent.

 

Read the bolded. Where do the "two become one" figure into that. There is no WE there.

 

People don't get married just because of being apart or loving eachother. Loving eachother is the start. Then they talk about the other things to see if they make a good life match. When you marry someone, you also marry into their family. You talk about money, faith, kids, and maybe loving the person is not enough because you are not a match. You married a man that will steamroll you and not consider your opinion. If he were to rent a small apartment with you for a year and then look for the right house TOGETHER when you are both settled into your jobs, etc, that is doing things as a team. His want to own a home outweighed every other aspect of your lives - he does not care about privacy as newlyweds or anything else.

[Hollyj]

First of all, you should be working. You should also consider school to earn more.

 

I do not understand how anyone could ever think that this would work.

 

As Sarah suggested, sell the house . Then, either buy another property with your husband, or rent. Your marriage will not survive this.

[Hollyj]

Your husband has not bought a house with his mother.

He couldn’t afford to buy because he didn’t have the deposit and she paid the deposit.

If he allowed her name in the property when he is paying the full mortgage then he is a fool.

When his mother dies she might leave half the house (her entitlement) to the other son.

So, unless it’s his name solely on the house , he will only eventually own half of it , regardless of the mortgage payments.

 

Why are you not working? Why are you freeloading?

Do you have children? You “thought” that you working was to help your husband out so you can pay your own bills??? You should be paying your own anyway? Are you telling me that your husband has been paying all of your personal bills too?

While you sit at home all day?

And you are complaining that the mother in law doesn’t cook for you?

 

I think your husband just has a lot of freeloaders on his hands?

 

Spot on! House full of "freeloaders."

[rainy446]

It wasn’t a family gathering.

Your husband wasn’t going to be there. You just happened to be there because you don’t have a job yet.

It was the half owner of the house(your mil) and her son (your bil) that were having people over.

 

They did let you know. You said you knew that morning.

 

No you can’t kick someone out of their own kitchen, you can respect their time in their kitchen and cook before or after them.

You aren’t contributing financially , no reason not to do so either, so don’t make demands. Sorry! Being a “wife” doesn’t give you that superiority. Sorry you think it does!

You don’t get on with them, you don’t like them, they don’t like you either.

The mil contributed significantly to the house , neither you or the bil have contributed anything.

 

Until you start contributing, you have nothing to complain about.

 

What do you mean there wasn’t people over? There was people nieces , nephews, other brother and his wife grand children . There was people Billie and I said it annoyed me that they chose a day when husband wasn’t off. My husband told me at 11am because that’s when they told him and by 1 pm people were coming over and she was cooking in the kitchen the whole time. Money doesn’t make you a good or a bad person billie

[Billie28]

Why did I marry him? The same reason anyone marries someone. We love each other and being apart for long was painful so we wanted to get married because we love each other and I did ask him to wait but he couldn’t be patient since he considered it an opportunity to have something on his name instead of paying rent.

 

He wanted the opportunity to have something in his name instead of paying rent??

You didn’t contribute to that? So that doesn’t make my sense? He did that with his mother? Not you?

[Hollyj]

That’s exactly how I think. I tried to build a relationship with these people but it’s like you have to do 100% and they might do 2% so it’s exhausting. I should the one to always greet etc. Now I keep to myself because I have tried my best and honestly I do need a space as well. So my convos are minimum with them. And they are anyways never keen to start a convo or something so entire pressure is on me. I’m hurt because I have noticed few times that my husband is bit bias towards them.

 

You will have more space if you have a job.

[Billie28]

What do you mean there wasn’t people over? There was people nieces , nephews, other brother and his wife grand children . There was people Billie and I said it annoyed me that they chose a day when husband wasn’t off. My husband told me at 11am because that’s when they told him and by 1 pm people were coming over and she was cooking in the kitchen the whole time. Money doesn’t make you a good or a bad person billie

 

Money doesn’t make you a good or bad person, you are correct.

So why are you complaining about people because they aren’t contributing money when neither are you?

Your original post was ALL about money ?

[rainy446]

Money doesn’t make you a good or bad person, you are correct.

So why are you complaining about people because they aren’t contributing money when neither are you?

Your original post was ALL about money ?

 

It was example about how I think there are double standards.

[rainy446]

He wanted the opportunity to have something in his name instead of paying rent??

You didn’t contribute to that? So that doesn’t make my sense? He did that with his mother? Not you?

 

His mum didn’t have enough money to buy the house only for the down payment and she couldn’t get mortgage so he wanted to help his mum out and also considered it good idea so he wasn’t just paying money towards rent. They don’t use to live together before.

[Billie28]

It was example about how I think there are double standards.

 

Your whole thread is full of examples of your double standards.

Sorry!

[rainy446]

Your whole thread is full of examples of your double standards.

Sorry!

 

Why bother even typing then.

[Hollyj]

Freeloaders always have such a sense of entitlement and are the biggest complainers..

 

Stop sponging off of people, it is parasitic!

[rainy446]

Read the bolded. Where do the "two become one" figure into that. There is no WE there.

 

People don't get married just because of being apart or loving eachother. Loving eachother is the start. Then they talk about the other things to see if they make a good life match. When you marry someone, you also marry into their family. You talk about money, faith, kids, and maybe loving the person is not enough because you are not a match. You married a man that will steamroll you and not consider your opinion. If he were to rent a small apartment with you for a year and then look for the right house TOGETHER when you are both settled into your jobs, etc, that is doing things as a team. His want to own a home outweighed every other aspect of your lives - he does not care about privacy as newlyweds or anything else.

 

I agree with everything you said apart from “marry to family”

That’s just not realistic. That’s tooooo much pressure and it’s really not realistic. No matter how well you have known your partner you still have issues here and there and imagine having to work things out same way with entire family just unrealistic. So “marrying into a family” is just absolutely unpractical

[rainy446]

What cultures are you both? That may play a part in why your husband extended family live with you and why your husband disregarded your feelings.

 

What was the plan job wise once you moved and got settled? It isn't easy depending on where in the UK you live. I don't think your free loading, your husband knew you would be moving without a job and it is his job to manage his family, not excuse their behaviour. Paying his mum £50 seems unfair if it is his house and you're married, paying a contribution with your husband for utilities and mortgage is fair once in a job and earning a regular income.

Honestly though, if it was me I would up and leave, he sounds like a mummy's boy without a spine and you deserve better.

 

He’s Christian and I’m hindu. thank you for not considering me a free loader because everyone here just has concluded me to be one.

[rainy446]

A partner in a caring relationship discusses major decisions like buying a house with his spouse. How long have you been married? I highly doubt you agreed this was a good decision because you don't get along with his family. Did he not ask you or did he ignore your wishes? If so, why do you want to stay married with a man who doesn't have your best interests at heart?

 

No matter how much I love my husband, if he went through with this sort of arrangement, it'd be a dealbreaker for me. I'd rather live alone than be subjected to that toxic environment every day, including a husband who disregards my wishes.

 

He knew I wasn’t keen on the decision but he chose to make it because he just was too excited of the idea of having house eventually and I think he didn’t wanna wait for us and also maybe he just didn’t believe in “us”, for him having ownership was important I guess I was secondary choice. That’s what I’m beginning to think. I know I’m in wrong that I don’t work but I have been having quiet hard time here since people at home aren’t that friendly it scares me going out “out”. There have been times I have cried thinking something is wrong with me.

[j.man]

I did ask him to wait but he couldn’t be patient since he considered it an opportunity to have something on his name instead of paying rent.

Patient about what? Picking up for your share of the rent instead of your share of the house payment now? People would have a much more valid point about waiting to go in with you if we weren't here six months later only for you to be dragging your feet to work even just part time and contribute the smallest of amounts, why? Because you wanna use the resentment you have for his brother to skirt your basic responsibilities as a grown adult? And on that note, I do find it interesting you're all about being "one" when it comes to sharing credit for your husband paying the entire mortgage payment, yet when it comes to you arguing the futility of working part time to chip in, "you" would only be left with 250£. I'm sorry, but intentionally or not, it sounds like he actually made the correct decision if building some equity was a goal of his, no matter how sloppy this situation may be.

 

Pretty much everything you've presented smacks of your idea of riding his coattails simply not working out as expected. And what I find even more humorous is for all your griping, you can't even provide it a sliver of dignity qualifying any of it with how much you've struggled to find work and how much it sucks to not be able to chip in as a partner. Instead, the mother doesn't cook for you, doesn't like your guacamole, the brother smokes weed, and you're dreading the idea of contributing a whole 50 quid. You're complaining, not doing. Nobody is going to respect that.

[kamurj]

The thread has run its course, closed.