Gymgirl71 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 Hi Gymgirl, I agree with the others, especially the last post from ThatwasThen, time to just ditch him. But re the above quote, I am trying to wrap my brain around this mindset. Because when you become too available, never challenging the way he treats you by asserting your boundaries, and doing all or most of the initiating, you have to know you will actually cause the very thing you fear the most -- abandonment. Why? Because your behavior suggests you don't respect yourself, and if you don't respect yourself, no man, no person, will either. And when a man doesn't respect you, it's only a matter of time before he will leave you in search of another woman he can respect, a strong woman who asserts boundaries, who won't tolerate his BS. I've seen it happen. Anyway, you're on the right path. Next step is just blocking him, can you do that?i have to..I know he will be in touch when he’s bored or whatever the case may be Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 that’s fine, but I tried to reach him by phone and again ignored. Even when I asked him to call when free-ignored. Then I get one word responses hours later OK - I understand -no need to be dramatic or label "NC" in your head which just escalates this beyond "this person isn't worth my time anymore" -just decide that you deserve someone who is more reliable and simply respond the next time he reaches out -in a polite way - "I got your message and I don't think we have enough in common to continue being in touch so I won't be responding after this. Take care." -that way you emerge the bigger person, the person of integrity and you don't feed his ego as in "oh she cared so much about me." Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 OK - I understand -no need to be dramatic or label "NC" in your head which just escalates this beyond "this person isn't worth my time anymore" -just decide that you deserve someone who is more reliable and simply respond the next time he reaches out -in a polite way - "I got your message and I don't think we have enough in common to continue being in touch so I won't be responding after this. Take care." -that way you emerge the bigger person, the person of integrity and you don't feed his ego as in "oh she cared so much about me." I know I can be a bit overwhelming with my texts..but to me it’s like how hard is it to answer a text? It doesn’t take 5 hours..but I need the mentality if they don’t reply to leave them be until they do..not keep on..that’s like chasing a person and it looks desperate to any man or person..I just get anxious Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 It's not anyone else's responsibility to soothe your anxiety. It's yours. Therapy would most likely be the best answer if you are stuck in the mindset that you "can't help" doing what you do. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 I know I can be a bit overwhelming with my texts..but to me it’s like how hard is it to answer a text? It doesn’t take 5 hours..but I need the mentality if they don’t reply to leave them be until they do..not keep on..that’s like chasing a person and it looks desperate to any man or person..I just get anxious You can get anxious AND choose to react a different way. The feeling is allowed to exist but you choose not to react by subjecting someone else to it with too much texting. Sometimes I miss texts entirely and often I have to prioritize when I respond. I agree he wasn't that into you. I get nervous and anxious too -happened just last night and my husband talked me down from my ledge of being anxious about a potential maintenance issue. In the past I might have kept on and on and stressed everyone out even more and now I know to stop and react in a calmer way even if I am still feeling anxious. Not at all easy to do. Can be so so hard. And so worth it each and every time. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 OP, I am a very anxious person also, in fact I've been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) of which I was prescribed meds many years back (off them now). At its worst, I "burdened" many people with acting out, and was most likely deemed a huge pain in the a$$ because of it. However, I have since learned to manage my anxieties on my own and not burden other people, because it's annoying as hell, pushes people away and generally serves no good purpose. You can help it, you can control how you choose to react, you are not a helpless victim of your own neurosis. Mind over matter. And learning how to balance logic with emotion. Whenever you feel anxious, ask yourself what possible good will it do to react to it by burdening a guy you're dating or whomever by texting ad nauseum or bombarding them w questions seeking reassurance or whatever else in an effort to soothe your anxieties. None! In fact the opposite will happen, you're pushing them away! Learn to manage anxieties on your own. I do yoga. This morning I woke up at 5:00 am feeling anxious and went for a run! I could have woken up my bf and burdened him, looked upon him to soothe, but that would have been selfish and in the end served absolutely no good purpose. Many on here also advise some sort of therapy which is also an option. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 You can get anxious AND choose to react a different way. The feeling is allowed to exist but you choose not to react by subjecting someone else to it with too much texting. Sometimes I miss texts entirely and often I have to prioritize when I respond. I agree he wasn't that into you. I get nervous and anxious too -happened just last night and my husband talked me down from my ledge of being anxious about a potential maintenance issue. In the past I might have kept on and on and stressed everyone out even more and now I know to stop and react in a calmer way even if I am still feeling anxious. Not at all easy to do. Can be so so hard. And so worth it each and every time. totally understand that..it’s something I need to really work on. I feel very hurt that he puts everything else as a priority..example: was going to meet him this afternoon for a quick stroll and coffee..well, his bff who is a female wants to go to an event so he says we will catch up another time..like he couldn’t tell her to wait a few min so we could meet up..seems like everything else is first..I’m not going to ask to see him anymore. He doesn’t seem to have time for me so I’ll find someone who will.. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 ((ooops posted on wrong thread :O)) Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 totally understand that..it’s something I need to really work on. I feel very hurt that he puts everything else as a priority..example: was going to meet him this afternoon for a quick stroll and coffee..well, his bff who is a female wants to go to an event so he says we will catch up another time..like he couldn’t tell her to wait a few min so we could meet up..seems like everything else is first..I’m not going to ask to see him anymore. He doesn’t seem to have time for me so I’ll find someone who will.. He does have time for you. He just is choosing not to spend it with you and I'm sorry. He's shown you through his actions he's not that into you. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 A guy like this will do zero to help with your anxiety. In fact, trying to be involved with him will more likely than not further exacerbate your anxiety. Please see my signature line...it applies so often. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 He does have time for you. He just is choosing not to spend it with you and I'm sorry. He's shown you through his actions he's not that into you.its all good..now I can focus on someone who deserves me Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted June 8, 2019 Author Share Posted June 8, 2019 A guy like this will do zero to help with your anxiety. In fact, trying to be involved with him will more likely than not further exacerbate your anxiety. Please see my signature line...it applies so often.100% true..he has his own issues but was too selfish with his time..I am all about balance but nothing about him was ever balanced. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 100% true..he has his own issues but was too selfish with his time..I am all about balance but nothing about him was ever balanced. It doesn't mean he was selfish at all or has any issues at all - he might but his actions towards you don't necessarily reflect a bit of selfishness or "issues". He showed you that he wasn't as into you as you were into him. He did not make himself available, he did not behave in a reliable way. He wasn't selfish -he simply chose not to spend time with you. People don't have to spend time with you. You own what you do about that -what you do when you ask someone to spend time with you and they don't or give you excuses or cancel plans regularly. You chose to chase him. You could have made a different choice -maybe next time you will. The problem with chasing is that you risk developing generalized negative attitudes about men and dating. I had high standards for myself of how I expected to be treated and I treated others with the same high standards. So, I had little interaction with people who acted in a flaky, unreliable way or who did not treat me with respect and like a lady. Because of that most of my interactions with men were positive. I liked men in general, liked being friends with men, dating men, falling in love. Yes I got hurt. I almost never chased a man - as a teenager once or twice. I moved on if he wasn't stepping up to the plate and asking me out on a regular basis and showing up, being reliable, being thoughtful. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted June 9, 2019 Author Share Posted June 9, 2019 It doesn't mean he was selfish at all or has any issues at all - he might but his actions towards you don't necessarily reflect a bit of selfishness or "issues". He showed you that he wasn't as into you as you were into him. He did not make himself available, he did not behave in a reliable way. He wasn't selfish -he simply chose not to spend time with you. People don't have to spend time with you. You own what you do about that -what you do when you ask someone to spend time with you and they don't or give you excuses or cancel plans regularly. You chose to chase him. You could have made a different choice -maybe next time you will. The problem with chasing is that you risk developing generalized negative attitudes about men and dating. I had high standards for myself of how I expected to be treated and I treated others with the same high standards. So, I had little interaction with people who acted in a flaky, unreliable way or who did not treat me with respect and like a lady. Because of that most of my interactions with men were positive. I liked men in general, liked being friends with men, dating men, falling in love. Yes I got hurt. I almost never chased a man - as a teenager once or twice. I moved on if he wasn't stepping up to the plate and asking me out on a regular basis and showing up, being reliable, being thoughtful. yes, unfortunately, he kept canceling on dates and I forgave him..I wasn’t exactly showing him how I expect to be treated..once in a while it’s understandable, but he kept cancelling over really lame reasons. He was not showing me that he valued me or my time. He would disappoint me over and over and I forgave him. Really, should have told him that I expect him to keep his word or if not, we should just move on. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 yes, unfortunately, he kept canceling on dates and I forgave him..I wasn’t exactly showing him how I expect to be treated..once in a while it’s understandable, but he kept cancelling over really lame reasons. He was not showing me that he valued me or my time. He would disappoint me over and over and I forgave him. Really, should have told him that I expect him to keep his word or if not, we should just move on. Nothing to with "wasn't exactly" - you were showing him with 100% clarity that you were fine with him behaving exactly as he was. So it really is on you after the first time or so. Honestly with something as basic as that -as basic as common courtesy -after the first non-emergency time - and only if he apologized genuinely for the first time - if it happened again simply tell him you're no longer interested in making a plan to see him. He's an adult -let him figure it out. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted June 9, 2019 Author Share Posted June 9, 2019 Nothing to with "wasn't exactly" - you were showing him with 100% clarity that you were fine with him behaving exactly as he was. So it really is on you after the first time or so. Honestly with something as basic as that -as basic as common courtesy -after the first non-emergency time - and only if he apologized genuinely for the first time - if it happened again simply tell him you're no longer interested in making a plan to see him. He's an adult -let him figure it out. True..I think it’s common respect that if you make plans you should keep it unless it’s something major..he didn’t seem to get that but then again, my fault for accepting it Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 True..I think it’s common respect that if you make plans you should keep it unless it’s something major..he didn’t seem to get that but then again, my fault for accepting it Yes it is. But someone who doesn't do that doesn't necessarily have issues -they simply are behaving disrespectfully at that time. He does get it - he has a job, right, where he has to show up on time, etc?. He chooses not to treat you with respect when he makes plans with you but then he might think you're ok with him acting in a flaky way or cancelling because you tolerated it several times. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Share Posted June 10, 2019 Yes..he thinks his behavior is acceptable. Yesterday he texts me with nothing but an emoji..I didn’t reply. Lazy way of communicating Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 Yes..he thinks his behavior is acceptable. Yesterday he texts me with nothing but an emoji..I didn’t reply. Lazy way of communicating Yes- you can have that opinion and he can think your way of communicating is passive/insecure. It is not polite behavior and at the same time he might think it's acceptable since..... you accept it. Obviously I would not go to the extreme on that concept but there's a spectrum of what's acceptable in making/keeping plans. Some people actually like when the other person cancels at the last minute because they feel it gives them a free pass to cancel at the last minute. Example- I recently offered to visit an FB friend out in the suburbs for coffee, 2-3 weeks in advance, because she was complaining about being lonely and wanting to interact with new friends/friends, etc. I knew I didn't want to keep the plan and I knew I would keep it if in that time she was still lonely/not doing well. I noticed that all of a sudden she had plans for the evening of the afternoon we were going to meet. Now it turns out I am busy at work this week. So I texted her in advance, told her this and suggested a "phone date" instead if I don't have to work all day that day She readily agreed, seemed fine about keeping it tentative, etc. More than fine actually which validated what I'd thought in the first place. My point: I mostly never intended on keeping it unless she was still in crisis as she claimed. It's a long trip for me to go to her and she didn't take up my suggestion to come to a neat new place in my neighborhood with free parking/right off the highway. She'd refused to come to my neighborhood in the past even though she was sooooo lonely and wanted to meet up for "girl talk". But I made the plan anyway knowing that she probably just wanted to know she had plans/interest from people. There are a ton of gray areas. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Share Posted June 10, 2019 Yes well, if he wants to communicate he has to do better than that..in your situation it’s understandable..I don’t live far from him and he will cancel at the last minute with a lame excuse..now if he canceled the day before, it’s understandable. But again, making plans and canceling shows no respect for my time etc... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 Yes well, if he wants to communicate he has to do better than that..in your situation it’s understandable..I don’t live far from him and he will cancel at the last minute with a lame excuse..now if he canceled the day before, it’s understandable. But again, making plans and canceling shows no respect for my time etc... Right. It's disrespectful. Remember to treat yourself with respect too. Disrespectful doesn't mean he has issues. Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Share Posted June 10, 2019 I get that..I say that because he has admitted issues & is in therapy. Link to comment
Honeycomb8 Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 You simply don't entertain them and stop wasting your time. I don't bother to nag or to beg. They flake once and it's bye lol. Why should I put up with bs when there are so many decent guys out there? Of course he treats you that way, you're oozing eagerness and that is such a huge turn off :/ Link to comment
Gymgirl71 Posted June 10, 2019 Author Share Posted June 10, 2019 Yes I’m going to stop communicating now..but I’m going to upfront and honest with him because it appears he is stringing me along Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 10, 2019 Share Posted June 10, 2019 Yes I’m going to stop communicating now..but I’m going to upfront and honest with him because it appears he is stringing me along But he's not. It takes two. He is only interacting in this manner because you allow it. Link to comment
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