My boyfriend says I'm not pretty 😢

[Kar123]

My sex life is good very good with him, but he rates me as A 7 out of 10 on looks and body not sure if that's a compliment or not. I say are you sure I'm what you want and he say of course why wouldn't I want you confused as hell

[figureitout23]

Imo it does not matter how it came up, or whether or not she seeks reassurance ad nauseum, there are better ways to respond other than him becoming so annoyed that his only recourse is to insult and demean her.

 

In the grand scheme of things no it doesnt matter because shes focusing on this obscure thing and there truly is no solution but to leave and seek therapy for self esteem

 

BUT the point Im trying to make is it matters how its brought up to her boyfriend.

 

Like I said theres a huge difference between.

 

*cuddling in bed*

 

"I really don't like how your thighs looks"

 

and

 

*Cuddling in bed*

 

"Do you think I'm beautiful???"

 

She is purposefully being obtuse about how these convos are brought up.

 

If Im anything like her boyfriend, I'm gonna give a snarky response, and if the guys my kinda guy hes gonna be snarky right back, thats how I communicate, Im not gonna rub your head and tell you youre cute, its not how I express love, its just not, I am as brutally honest on here as I am in real life. I often say I would never say something here that I wouldnt say in person, Im not a keyboard warrior, this is who I am online and in person, I dont deal well with people who need reassurance, not everyone does, and its not something to feel bad about because at the end of the day your ego is not my responsibility and its not her boyfriends so yes t matters because if she needs him to tell her shes beautiful to function happily in her relationship shes not ready to be in one. Being told your beautiful is not a need. Its amazing to hear, but she is not going to die without it. The issue in the relationship is the guy isnt that into her, these other semantics...youre right...irrelevant, but it will tell us if this guys a total douche or if shes cornering him demanding compliments to the point that hes acting in an unsavory way. Chicken or egg, If its egg, this cycles just gonna continue because most are not up for having to reassure their partner all the time.

[bluecastle]

Imo it does not matter how it came up, or whether or not she seeks reassurance ad nauseum, there are better ways to respond other than him becoming so annoyed that his only recourse is to insult and demean her.

 

I think it does matter. We're only getting one side here, and frankly it's a little hard to pin down what we're getting. Emotionally abusive relationship with a dude who routinely demeans his girlfriend? Or a relationship in which the girlfriend's insecurities have emptied his reserves of reassurance? It's still a coin toss to me, at this point.

 

Now, wherever that coin lands my advice is the same: get out, move one, because this relationship sounds about as deep as a rain puddle. But if OP wants to get involved with a man in which she feels secure part of that is about shoring up where she's a bit wobbly and looking for a man to stand still and strong?

[figureitout23]

Serious question: Have you loved anyone else? Have you been loved by anyone else?

 

Because what you're describing right now, on both sides? It does not sound like love. It sounds like drugs and delusion.

 

Let's say I come to you about my cocaine habit. I tell you how, when I do some coke, I feel amazing, kind of the world—for somewhere between two minutes and four hours. The other time? I feel awful: depressed, edgy, in need of sleep, weak and small. Oh, and I'm going broke.

 

What's your advice? Should I (a) learn to appreciate how good being on cocaine makes me feel some of the time or (b) stop doing cocaine so I can understand what it really means to feel good all of the time?

 

I think she indirectly answered that here:

 

First time it come up we was in bed, cuddling really happy then somehow it came out he wasn't really attracted to my body so I then dug a bit deeperand found out that, I asked how do you actually feel about me

[figureitout23]

I think it does matter. We're only getting one side here, and frankly it's a little hard to pin down what we're getting. Emotionally abusive relationship with a dude who routinely demeans his girlfriend? Or a relationship in which the girlfriend's insecurities have emptied his reserves of reassurance? It's still a coin toss to me, at this point.

 

Now, wherever that coin lands my advice is the same: get out, move one, because this relationship sounds about as deep as a rain puddle. But if OP wants to get involved with a man in which she feels secure part of that is about shoring up where she's a bit wobbly and looking for a man to stand still and strong?

 

Stated perfectly.

[Kar123]

He not doing it to be a idiot it's generally how he feels and the first time he said it it was months ago so I can't remember who brought it up I'm not trying to hide anything as I wanted advice, look what I'm trying to say is he feels I could improve my body as it's just ok and he wants me to have the perfect body and im not the best looking person to him. He says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me but I feel so wrapped up in how he feels about the way I look it makes me depressed, not because I want to hear how beautiful I am because I know I'm not the best I'm not bad at all but not the best, I just want him to think I'm perfect as I am and wouldn't want to change me as he loves ME for ME

[Kar123]

Thing is before all of this I was so happy I felt confident didn't have much of a problem with the way I looked, I'm a women and every women would like to change something about them but in whole I was happy with me. And I thought he was. Our relationship was deep we was happy he asked me to marry him he was happy but a few months after he changed not me he did. I hate the fact I'm getting s**t for trying to work through the problems I don't want to leave this guy not really I would rather sort out the problems, I wanted to know am I being silly is it ok for him to feel like that about me but still want to remain with me should he feel I'm amazing? As I said push all this crap to the back of my head and we get on fine but when I start to think about it I question of I'm really what he wants, does he look at other women wishing I was them, he says no but he wouldn't tell me anyway

[bluecastle]

In another thread you mentioned that he was looking at women on his phone. When was that? Did discovering that change the way you felt inside the relationship?

[Kar123]

It was a few weeks back, and yeah it upset me even more, because it was clear he wasn't happy with what he had. When confronted he said it was just looking for the sake of it, nothing in it 🤔 not sure you can just look for the sake of it. He said he didn't get turned on it's just photos but to me you look to get some kind of kick 😔 all I wanted was for the man I love just to want me

[figureitout23]

Now were getting somewhere...

 

Like I said, youre paying attention to the mouse while the elephant suffocates you.

 

Why are you staying?

[katrina1980]

Now, wherever that coin lands my advice is the same: get out, move one, because this relationship sounds about as deep as a rain puddle. But if OP wants to get involved with a man in which she feels secure part of that is about shoring up where she's a bit wobbly and looking for a man to stand still and strong?

 

^^THIS I wholeheartedly agree with!

[figureitout23]

It was a few weeks back, and yeah it upset me even more, because it was clear he wasn't happy with what he had. When confronted he said it was just looking for the sake of it, nothing in it 🤔 not sure you can just look for the sake of it. He said he didn't get turned on it's just photos but to me you look to get some kind of kick 😔 all I wanted was for the man I love just to want me

 

As the rolling stone say ' you cant always get what you want'

 

especially not in a toxic relationship ,which you are in. While I dont agree with Kat that youre abused, I do agree with her that this has become some sort of addicting game for you and him. It really seems like hes with you begrudgingly but at the same time, he wont leave, and youre with him seeking validation, and maybe because its all you think you deserve, ( man that was a hard pill for me to swallow when it was first explained to me why I stayed in toxic relationships), anyway, you stay, you both stay, the house is burning but you both stay...

[Hollyj]

First time it come up we was in bed, cuddling really happy then somehow it came out he wasn't really attracted to my body so I then dug a bit deeper and found out that, I asked how do you actually feel about me

 

That would have been the end for me.

 

I find it sad that you stay. A man in love would never say such hurtful things to the woman he loved. it is cruel.

[katrina1980]

Clarifying the reason why I consider this a form of abuse is because of the emotional roller coaster he's got her on.

 

The hot and cold in the extreme.

 

One day he tells her she's beautiful and loves her, the next day she's not pretty, not attractive, her body, her legs and bum aren't right, her hair isn't right, the list goes on. She told us this!

 

Even assumimg she did provoke him, does that give him the right to insult and demean her like that?

 

Where do you draw the line?

 

What if out of annoyance, instead of the verbal insults, he chose to hit her and tell her to shut the eff up?

 

Would she be deserving of that too? For daring to ask for reassurance?

 

I dunno I hope to god I am misinterpreting all this!

 

Bottom line -- OP no matter how hard it is, get rid!!

 

Done, next, the end, bye!

[Hollyj]

How is your bf's body? Is he in shape?

[figureitout23]

Clarifying the reason why I consider this a form of abuse is because of the emotional roller coaster he's got her on.

 

The hot and cold in the extreme.

 

One day he tells her she's beautiful and loves her, the next day she's not pretty, not attractive, her legs and bum aren't right, her hair isn't right, the list goes on. She told us this!

 

Even assumimg she did provoke him, does that give him the right to insult and demean her like that?

 

Where do you draw the line?

 

What if out of annoyance, instead of the verbal insults, he chose to hit her and tell her to shut the eff up?

 

Would that be her fault too?

 

I dunno I hope to god I am misinterpreting all this!

 

I see what you’re saying. Without the OPer completely confirming or denying it’s hard to say but I am strongly under the impression he makes these comments after she asks him. Thinking about it, I can see how it could be concluded that he’s being abusive by not... feeding her... she has incredibly low self esteem and he would have to be blind to not recognize that so his lack of care... I teeter betweeen manipulation or annoyance.

 

Either way, not worth the head space in my humble opinion, it needs to end. Blue pointed out she caught him texting? Another woman so to me it’s paying attention to a scratch while your bleeding out, it’s a convienient thing to well to put it blunt whine about, the potential cheating that’s blatant, so to me this whole post is head in the sand, it’s pretending this is the biggest issue when it’s a blip when looking at things as a whole.

[figureitout23]

*apologies it was looking at other women on his phone. Which changes my conclusion because it seems even more like insecurity unsure if he’s feeding it or what but this is super toxic.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's cutting you down to size to get you under his thumb. In the Pick Up Artist community these insults are called "negs". They are specifically designed to make you feel bad about yourself so the jerk can feel better and get in your pants easier:https://www.pualingo.com/neg-theory/

 

Educate yourself on what healthy relationships look like. Talk to a trusted adult about this.

I thought a relationship was when 2 people love each other in every way but I might be wrong

[katrina1980]

Wise, as you said in the "pick up artist community" -- negs are a strategy for "picking up" women who are considered very attractive by knocking them down a notch.

 

It's a back-handed insult made typically after a compliment when again "picking up" a new woman.

 

"You have really pretty hair, have you considered changing to brunette? I love brunettes"!

 

It's designed to confuse her and get her chasing him for validation.

 

My understanding is OP and her bf are in a long term relationship, so it's quite different. It's far beyond the stage of picking her up.

 

His insults are quite blatant, and demeaning. Designed to throw her off balance and keep her insecure and needy.

 

Then he punishes her for those feelings with more demeaning comments and/or threatening to leave, then takes it back.

 

This is crazy-making and extremely cruel.

 

Not negging which if a woman interprets correctly and is secure can be funny.

 

The correct response to a neg is to ignore it or just laugh.

 

Just my understanding of it (negs) anyway, before meeting my bf, I experienced being negged quite a lot.

 

I never liked them, I chose to ignore and move on from the guy. I find them a turn off.

[maew]

Thing is before all of this I was so happy I felt confident didn't have much of a problem with the way I looked, I'm a women and every women would like to change something about them but in whole I was happy with me. And I thought he was. Our relationship was deep we was happy he asked me to marry him he was happy but a few months after he changed not me he did. I hate the fact I'm getting s**t for trying to work through the problems I don't want to leave this guy not really I would rather sort out the problems, I wanted to know am I being silly is it ok for him to feel like that about me but still want to remain with me should he feel I'm amazing? As I said push all this crap to the back of my head and we get on fine but when I start to think about it I question of I'm really what he wants, does he look at other women wishing I was them, he says no but he wouldn't tell me anyway

 

I highly doubt you felt confident about the way you looked or you wouldn't be relying so much on approval seeking validation from this guy. This is the type of behavior that often escalates to the point of verbal and physical abuse... this is only the beginning of him pushing you down and attempting to make you as small as possible.

 

You have been told in a hundred different ways that the way he treats you is unacceptable for most of us yet you continue to argue and fight for why you need to stay with him. It hurts my heart to see you accept this type of treatment from anyone, never-mind from someone that supposedly wants to marry you. You can't change him, you can't change how he feels about you, no matter how much you beg and whine, no matter how sweet you are, no matter how much of a pretzel you twist yourself into, it won't matter.

 

He will never be happy with you... his comments about your body are just a smoke screen... if you change that it will just be something else next time. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of put downs and $hitty treatment and you will only be able to push this crap to the back of your head for so long before your head explodes.

[Hollyj]

I highly doubt you felt confident about the way you looked or you wouldn't be relying so much on approval seeking validation from this guy. This is the type of behavior that often escalates to the point of verbal and physical abuse... this is only the beginning of him pushing you down and attempting to make you as small as possible.

 

You have been told in a hundred different ways that the way he treats you is unacceptable for most of us yet you continue to argue and fight for why you need to stay with him. It hurts my heart to see you accept this type of treatment from anyone, never-mind from someone that supposedly wants to marry you. You can't change him, you can't change how he feels about you, no matter how much you beg and whine, no matter how sweet you are, no matter how much of a pretzel you twist yourself into, it won't matter.

 

He will never be happy with you... his comments about your body are just a smoke screen... if you change that it will just be something else next time. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of put downs and $hitty treatment and you will only be able to push this crap to the back of your head for so long before your head explodes.

 

Spot on!

 

OP, what did you come here, if you are unwilling to listen to us? We have all advised the same thing.

[figureitout23]

Wise, as you said in the "pick up artist community" -- negs are a strategy for "picking up" women who are considered very attractive by knocking them down a notch.

 

It's a back-handed insult made typically after a compliment when again "picking up" a new woman.

 

"You have really pretty hair, have you considered changing to brunette? I love brunettes"!

 

It's designed to confuse her and get her chasing him for validation.

 

My understanding is OP and her bf are in a long term relationship, so it's quite different. It's far beyond the stage of picking her up.

 

His insults are quite blatant, and demeaning. Designed to throw her off balance and keep her insecure and needy.

 

Then he punishes her for those feelings with more demeaning comments and/or threatening to leave, then takes it back.

 

This is crazy-making and extremely cruel.

 

Not negging which if a woman interprets correctly and is secure can be funny.

 

The correct response to a neg is to ignore it or just laugh.

 

Just my understanding of it (negs) anyway, before meeting my bf, I experienced being negged quite a lot.

 

I never liked them, I chose to ignore and move on from the guy. I find them a turn off.

 

I agree with the pick up artist community of losers and their tactics of using insecurity to their advantage, but an abuser doesn’t make someone needy or insecure they feed and nurture that insecurity and neediness but it was already there it has to be or they wouldn’t get in.

 

Just like vampires you know the legend they can’t get in unless you invite them in. As you said Kat the negging simply doesn’t work on you, it doesn’t work on healthy people. Abusers cannot get to healthy people, they are never invited in. The unfortunate reality is these two are feeding off of each other. Healthy men are not going to put up with this level of insecurity for long but a man who gets something out of having a woman constantly going to him to get kicked... perfect match...

 

We attract what we put out. Until she heals men like this... they’re her dating pool...

[nutbrownhare]

As a lovely ex-student of mine put it: "Is negging a thing, or is it just being a p***k?"

[Starlight925]

I agree with the pick up artist community of losers and their tactics of using insecurity to their advantage, but an abuser doesn’t make someone needy or insecure they feed and nurture that insecurity and neediness but it was already there it has to be or they wouldn’t get in.

 

Just like vampires you know the legend they can’t get in unless you invite them in. As you said Kat the negging simply doesn’t work on you, it doesn’t work on healthy people. Abusers cannot get to healthy people, they are never invited in. The unfortunate reality is these two are feeding off of each other. Healthy men are not going to put up with this level of insecurity for long but a man who gets something out of having a woman constantly going to him to get kicked... perfect match...

 

We attract what we put out. Until she heals men like this... they’re her dating pool...

 

Right, exactly all of this ^^^.

 

A healthy person wouldn't post here about it.

 

A healthy person would break up with the guy the first time he said something negative like that, realizing that he's just doing it to hurt her. She might later on post here to talk about what a jerk he was, but she wouldn't stay for the abuse (yes, it's the beginning stages of an abuse cycle), post here, go on for 8+ pages, and still talk about how much he "loves" her.

[maew]

As a lovely ex-student of mine put it: "Is negging a thing, or is it just being a p***k?"

 

Lol I think it’s the latter.