NoConnection Posted March 12, 2019 Author Share Posted March 12, 2019 The current situation is that prior to this thread, last night I called her out on her behaviour of suddenly ditching me from her life completely. I was feeling hurt. She turned the conversation against me and said that this is how friends are, and basically implied that I'd read into our friendship wrong. The tone of the conversation was unnerving, she is putting all of the blame onto me for our previous closeness and now acting like it never happened. I guess she wants to go back to her normal life with her girlfriend. And that is okay for her to do, except my reputation is now at stake if I don't handle this correctly. I'm struggling with feeling hurt, the loss of that close relationship, and now being made to feel crazy as if I imagined everything. Just like that, I've been wiped from her life and told I'm making things up... I have to see this person regularly, we have mutual friends. This is becoming very painful... Link to comment
Nickel Speed Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 The current situation is that prior to this thread, last night I called her out on her behaviour of suddenly ditching me from her life completely. I was feeling hurt. She turned the conversation against me and said that this is how friends are, and basically implied that I'd read into our friendship wrong. The tone of the conversation was unnerving, she is putting all of the blame onto me for our previous closeness and now acting like it never happened. I guess she wants to go back to her normal life with her girlfriend. And that is okay for her to do, except my reputation is now at stake if I don't handle this correctly. I'm struggling with feeling hurt, the loss of that close relationship, and now being made to feel crazy as if I imagined everything. Just like that, I've been wiped from her life and told I'm making things up... I have to see this person regularly, we have mutual friends. This is becoming very painful... Make more friends. It sounds like this crowd may not be for you. Set boundaries in your next "relationfriendship." Link to comment
DancingFool Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 OP, friends are people you have some kind of interests in common with. People you hang out with and talk with from time to time. Friendships are strictly platonic. Friendships do NOT involve chasing, making out, etc. What you are describing has nothing to do with friendships. You willingly got involved with women who were looking to cheat. Getting dropped cold is just part of the game as they either get caught or get bored and move to another target. If you want a relationship, then get out there and go on dates with single, available women. If you are looking to make friends, then pursue some hobbies, join meetup.com and go do things that interest you and meet people and sometimes you'll click with a person and develop a friendship over time. Emphasis on over time. Healthy friendships, healthy relationships take time to build - it's not an instant red hot chase and talking to each other 24/7. The latter is a totally unhealthy behavior and you are just as guilty of engaging in that as the other person. Don't play victim when you are the active participant. It's actually easy to say no to what you find inappropriate. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 The current situation is that prior to this thread, last night I called her out on her behaviour of suddenly ditching me from her life completely. I was feeling hurt. She turned the conversation against me and said that this is how friends are, and basically implied that I'd read into our friendship wrong. The tone of the conversation was unnerving, she is putting all of the blame onto me for our previous closeness and now acting like it never happened. I guess she wants to go back to her normal life with her girlfriend. And that is okay for her to do, except my reputation is now at stake if I don't handle this correctly. I'm struggling with feeling hurt, the loss of that close relationship, and now being made to feel crazy as if I imagined everything. Just like that, I've been wiped from her life and told I'm making things up... I have to see this person regularly, we have mutual friends. This is becoming very painful... You put yourself in this position. Don't pursue people in relationships. You are not a victim. You knew better, but your ego got the best of you. You will end up very lonely if you continue with these patterns. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 The current situation is that prior to this thread, last night I called her out on her behaviour of suddenly ditching me from her life completely. I was feeling hurt. She turned the conversation against me and said that this is how friends are, and basically implied that I'd read into our friendship wrong. The tone of the conversation was unnerving, she is putting all of the blame onto me for our previous closeness and now acting like it never happened. I guess she wants to go back to her normal life with her girlfriend. And that is okay for her to do, except my reputation is now at stake if I don't handle this correctly. I'm struggling with feeling hurt, the loss of that close relationship, and now being made to feel crazy as if I imagined everything. Just like that, I've been wiped from her life and told I'm making things up... I have to see this person regularly, we have mutual friends. This is becoming very painful... You just do not get it. You do not seem to understand that what you did was wrong! Friends do not flirt and have sex with one another, and certainly not when they have partners.. People will not trust you around their partners. Link to comment
NoConnection Posted March 12, 2019 Author Share Posted March 12, 2019 You just do not get it. You do not seem to understand that what you did was wrong! Friends do not flirt and have sex with one another, and certainly not when they have partners.. People will not trust you around their partners. I do understand it was wrong. I really do!! My issue with the blame being put solely onto me in this thread is that I really have not had much experience with friendships or relationships, hence why I've come here. The word 'pursue' is being used against me incorrectly because I didn't actively pursue her or anyone. I never have put myself out there like that. I was just extremely passive with her advances and never said no. On both occasions, I was being spammed with messages and given gifts and I was actually the drunk person both times when the girl came onto me. She even said half way through our sexual encounter that she was worried about taking advantage of me, and she actually hurt me quite badly during the deed but I was so drunk I didn't even communicate that very well. When I tried talking to her about it the next day, she was very casual about it as if it's that's just what happens. I'm guilty of finding her attractive. I'm guilty of not saying no basically. I have never dealt with someone being so intense towards me before because this was a huge step up from the first situation, and yes I was weak and enjoyed the attention. But I did not seek her out and decide that this is where the friendship was going to go. It just happened because if someone opens up to you and speaks to you all the time, it's hard not to really care about them. I didn't realise she had a girlfriend until I had already developed feelings. The first example I gave in my original post, nothing sexual ever happened between us, but with this current girl it did. I tried to keep my distance in person, we practically avoided each other around our friends, but I think she knew I was developing feelings and tried it on with me when I was really drunk and I clearly had no morals in that moment. The flirting stopped when I found out about her girlfriend, but the closeness of our friendship was always there which was wrong as she was confiding in me and not her girlfriend. I fully take responsibility for my actions, but I do believe she knew how easy a target I was when she stepped up the charm. I've never had a serious relationship and I got caught up in the genuine feelings I had for her. I'm not playing victim, I'm just being honest. I take on board what everyone has said on this thread. I just don't want it to seem like I was the one going round her house or following her about because I felt pursued by her and I gave in those nights whilst drunk, whereas I had always kept my feelings to myself previously and never acted upon them Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 She is horrible, but she is not posting on the forum. You were reaching out about your patterns. You can help yourself, not her. You should have ended the friendship when you found out about the gf, as she had reveled herself to be a chest. Why would you continue with someone like this? You need to expect higher standards. How old are you? Link to comment
NoConnection Posted March 12, 2019 Author Share Posted March 12, 2019 Thank you, Hollyj. I am feeling better about sticking to and enforcing my own boundaries, at least in my mind. Now it is time to physically enforce them, since I can't avoid this girl completely. I'm 21 - so I know I'm going to get some backlash for being an adult now. All I can say is I'm a late bloomer and I'm trying to catch up to where my peers and everyone else is at. Hoping I can put all this behind me and behave more healthily... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 You will. I also suggest expanding your friend group, Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 During the sexual encounter with her did you ever tell her no or to stop and try and extricate yourself from the situation, *NoConnection*? Link to comment
NoConnection Posted March 12, 2019 Author Share Posted March 12, 2019 Thank you, Hollyj, I will! During the sexual encounter with her did you ever tell her no or to stop and try and extricate yourself from the situation, *NoConnection*? No, I take full responsibility for participating. I won't use the fact I was drunk as an excuse, but I wouldn't have done it sober. It was my first sexual encounter, ever, and she doesn't know that! I've never slept with anyone before, nor ever made a move on another person, which shows me I care about her a lot, to have given myself to her in that moment when she tried it on with me. It clearly meant more to me than it did to her, but it was wrong and should never have happened. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 Thank you, Hollyj, I will! No, I take full responsibility for participating. I won't use the fact I was drunk as an excuse, but I wouldn't have done it sober. It was my first sexual encounter, ever, and she doesn't know that! I've never slept with anyone before, nor ever made a move on another person, which shows me I care about her a lot, to have given myself to her in that moment when she tried it on with me. It clearly meant more to me than it did to her, but it was wrong and should never have happened.There are people out there that only think of themselves and don't give a flying you know what about the consequences and what they do (for themselves) is going to affect others. That is why it is in our own best interests to hone those personal boundaries and don't let them down for anyone. Its not easy at first to remain strong in our convictions but you've now had enough negative experience (thanks to users like the twit who cheated with you) to look out for red flags and keep yourself away from women who pursue you that are already in a relationship. Perhaps if you find yourself attracted to someone, you should suss out early their status and if they are in a relationship, keep it real and quickly shut down any flirting etc... Take all this as a lesson learned, forgive yourself for any perceived misjudgements and move on all that much more dating savvy. You're going to be just fine. :o) And... P.S. Please never be afraid to tell anyone you are sexually intimate with to stop if they are hurting you. No good ever came from grinning and bearing something uncomfortable in any manner or something painful. We teach people what we like and don't like so confidently put a stop to anything you don't like... okay? Link to comment
NoConnection Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 There are people out there that only think of themselves and don't give a flying you know what about the consequences and what they do (for themselves) is going to affect others. That is why it is in our own best interests to hone those personal boundaries and don't let them down for anyone. Its not easy at first to remain strong in our convictions but you've now had enough negative experience (thanks to users like the twit who cheated with you) to look out for red flags and keep yourself away from women who pursue you that are already in a relationship. Perhaps if you find yourself attracted to someone, you should suss out early their status and if they are in a relationship, keep it real and quickly shut down any flirting etc... Take all this as a lesson learned, forgive yourself for any perceived misjudgements and move on all that much more dating savvy. You're going to be just fine. :o) And... P.S. Please never be afraid to tell anyone you are sexually intimate with to stop if they are hurting you. No good ever came from grinning and bearing something uncomfortable in any manner or something painful. We teach people what we like and don't like so confidently put a stop to anything you don't like... okay? Thank you so much for all your advice on this thread. You and Hollyj have helped alleviate some of the shame and anxiety I was feeling around my behaviour. I'm glad that I've been able to spot this pattern now and can work hard on setting boundaries in my life going forward. I will keep re-reading your messages and can't say thank you enough for the compassion I've been shown amid my mistakes! Also thank you to everyone else that commented because it has all been really beneficial for me!! So much great advice has been given! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 The first step is acknowledgement. You will be good. Can I suggest getting involved in volunteering for making new friends. I met a lot of great friends and it can be very fulfilling and fun. Perhaps, you can find some projects within the gay community. Yes. Ask relationship status before anything starts! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 I do understand it was wrong. I really do!! My issue with the blame being put solely onto me in this thread is It's not necessary to defend yourself to us. Defenses just create a barrier to introspection. The whole point of introspection isn't to determine who is bad or wrong, but rather to learn from experiences. Learning can't happen when you're busy defending, and the whole point of learning is to build the confidence in your Self to move forward without repeating the same mistakes. So it makes no sense to claim to see a pattern with other people when WE are the common denominator in each of our own experiences. It's not about blaming bad people for victimizing us--that builds zero confidence in our own ability to navigate away from playing with the wrong people in the first place. In your case, recognizing that anyone who is willing to deceive someone else will also deceive YOU, eventually. So forget red flags--that'a blazing neon sign with a skull and crossbones on it that says 'Get away.' Advice from Grandma: The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you are too bored or lonely or lacking self respect enough to avoid picking up the snake to play with it. When you see a snake, walk away, and don't play. Head high. Link to comment
NoConnection Posted March 15, 2019 Author Share Posted March 15, 2019 Thanks, Hollyj! Looking to change football team and my job soon so that will hopefully allow me to meet more people... In your case, recognizing that anyone who is willing to deceive someone else will also deceive YOU, eventually. So forget red flags--that'a blazing neon sign with a skull and crossbones on it that says 'Get away.' Really appreciate the advice, and this part in particular I will hold onto! I do consider myself to be quite reflective and have no problem with being self-critical, but just had to get the facts out there in order for others to see why I might behave the way I do. I consider myself to be an open book but have always had a fear of rejection, and now looking into fear of intimacy for the same reasons. I think there's something safe about knowing deep down these relationships will never come to light, I never have to fully give myself because they're taken, and it's comfortable enough just being the close friend even when I fancy them. Lots more introspection to be done! Link to comment
Jibralta Posted March 16, 2019 Share Posted March 16, 2019 Just keep in mind that "fear of rejection" and "fear of intimacy" are categories, not excuses. Link to comment
NoConnection Posted March 17, 2019 Author Share Posted March 17, 2019 Just keep in mind that "fear of rejection" and "fear of intimacy" are categories, not excuses. Noted, just trying to figure myself out :) Link to comment
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