Do they communicate better with other women

[Gary Snyder]

First of all, don't get down on yourself, stay positive........the guys you dated who went on to have relationships with others may have changed for the better by being with you! Did you ever think of that?

 

Also, pick up the book "men are from mars, women are from Venus" by Dr John Gray. The rest of his books are junk (most relationship books are junk) but this one is good and one of the most famous relationship books in history. It's about just what you are asking about, how men and women argue differently.

 

Women like to tend and mend; men like to go into to their cave and work problems out in their own head.

 

This reminds me of something..........Ironically, my BFF is a woman and the last time we had an argument (we only have 2 a year!) she went into her cave and did not want to talk to me much for a week or more, lol

 

So, it's a grey area and not always black-and-white

[shineyboot]

Thanks Gary.

[reinventmyself]

Are you expecting the men to communicate like women do? As in to be totally open about their emotions, thoughts and feelings with you in order to build connection? If so, you are going to end up disappointed in general with male / female relationships, because men don't communicate that way.

 

A good piece of information I read years ago - Don't expect your boyfriend or husband to communicate with you like your girlfriends would.

Recognize that generally speaking, they just communicate differently.

 

It doesn't mean you are not entitled to how you feel. But you will be better heard and understood if you can communicate (with anyone) from a less emotionally charged place.

 

Alter your expectations some and learn to pick your battles

[reinventmyself]

There is a need to accept and be happy with someone warts and all I agree. But I don't understand how a complete lack of communication is one of those things for some people.

 

Men who don't speak - I don't understand how they can have a relationship that is healthy with anyone?

Maybe it's not a case of them not speaking. It could be case of how you are approaching it.

[shineyboot]

Maybe not asking enough.

[shineyboot]

I've no idea what this approach should be, but it might be useful for future.

[thornz]

It seems this particular man you refer to did communicate with you through his actions, you picked up on this and asked him directly, he then confirmed your suspicions verbally.

 

Try not to compare with his long term relationship as he clearly would rather stay in a relationship he is not happy in, treating his partner with resentment than break up. Be glad you got rid and don't expect too much verbal reassurance when dealing with men. If their feelings change, so do their actions.

[shineyboot]

Yes he was resentful and still is. He wanted to rush everything and he was 'crazy in love' then I was dropped like a hot potato when he discovered a few of my downsides. He was resentful of his ex before me as well and said horrible things about her, she seemed nice to me.

 

Thanks.

[ThatwasThen]

Maybe but there is also a thing called gut feeling. My gut feeling told me that there was something up with him. Even if there wasn't I didn't want to be with someone who gets up without kissing me good morning, doesn't touch me, fixes his own breakfast and eats it without me on a Sunday, walks a mile ahead, answers in one word answers.

 

Where is the fun in that? No thank you.

 

Well, when he said "I don't see a future with you" his words matched his actions and you were wise to end it.

 

How soon into your relationship(s) are you finding these men to be closed off to you?

How long did you go with the guy that got up and didn't think to make breakfast for you?

[shineyboot]

After the honeymoon phase when anything more difficult crops up.

[Batya33]

I don’t think it’s that they do not like to communicate or aren’t good at communicating. It’s an issue of you two not being on the same wavelength and I sense that you’re trying to force deep conversation - or what you consider deep - which can really make the other person uncomfortable and feel controlled even.

 

My husband is quiet and reserved and used to be really shy. And no I don’t try to force deep conversation. I love deep conversations but equally I love banter and inside jokes - to me that feels bonding and connected.

 

And we have this “thing” now for the last year or more where when I do my cleaning and prepping routine in the kitchen after our child goes to sleep and he is in the living room working and or watching TV every so often one of us will say “psst” in a stage whisper and when the other person looks up we wave across the room dramatically with silly grins.

 

He said one time he kept trying to wave and get my attention, gave up, and a second later I looked up and waved. Yes. We “communicated “ about that. So decide. What’s more important- your partner opening up regularly about how he feels that particular day and talking about his feelings or showing that he wants to connect with you daily in a really silly way even when you’re in your old T-shirt elbow deep in dirty dishes or spreading peanut butter yet again? I pick the latter of course. I mean sure some couples have both. We basically do but not to the extent of daily long deep conversations that are existential in nature.

I mean that - of course - you have to feel natural and silly and approachable and when the time is right to talk about feelings or life goals or those “deep” topics you’ll know and it will flow.

 

If you don’t have that lighthearted connection and if you’re not hard at work at silly inside jokes (some of ours are over 20 years old and our son looks so confused when we reference them with a look or one or two words and giggle ) then you won’t have good convos on the other stuff. JMHO.

[ThatwasThen]

After the honeymoon phase when anything more difficult crops up.

 

What kind of time period are we talking? Weeks, months, years? Just how long had you been with him before you broke up with him for being the indifferent arse he was being?

 

I'm just wondering if you're looking for a vomiting of inner most thoughts before he/they have allowed themselves to become vulnerable to you. J

[Annia]

I'm feel emotions but they are continually expressed no.

 

The guy who said he didn't see a future with me, was quite sulky and when I suggested if that was the case we end it I realised it was said for drama. I explained that this was a hurtful comment and that I would like him to explain further so we could discuss it. He wasn't interested so I dumped him.

 

But a guy saying they don't see a future with you is already self explanatory. What else is there to discuss?

[Annia]

Is this guy the co-worker of the other threads?

[Annia]

Yes he was resentful and still is. He wanted to rush everything and he was 'crazy in love' then I was dropped like a hot potato when he discovered a few of my downsides. He was resentful of his ex before me as well and said horrible things about her, she seemed nice to me.

 

Thanks.

 

Not always, but more often than not, people who come too strong too soon are also fast "falling out of love". It's a huge flame that quicky goes off, instead of one that burns gradually and so is more sustainable.

Some people will rush relationships before they actually know if the other person is a match or not, and then when they are already on relationship mode, they find out the other person is not a match after all or the feelings change.

 

Also, don't expect men (but this can apply to both genders of course) to explain you how they feel or explain and guide you through break ups with explanations and emotional exchanges. Closure comes from you accepting the situation and moving not and not from the other person. Also most men will communicate mostly through actions, so it's by them you should guide your decisions and don't waste much time trying to make them explain those actions. You did well breaking up with him, because his actions weren't matching what you wanted in a relationship and you were detecting his loss of interest.