Struggling this Christmas.... appointment made for professional help

[Long Gone]

Thanks Katrina1980

 

Well, I had suspected for some time that members here were fed up of hearing me go on about this. I'd tried not talking about it, hence my massive gaps away from the forum. I hadn't been talking to anyone about it for such a long time because I'm socially aware enough that most just think I should be over such an insignificant relationship. I live on my own, and this group was my only outlet really, but again I think you are right and I just need to stop going on about it.

 

Point taken though.

Signing off guys from the group as I'm probably not helping myself here. I appreciate the help these past months I really do, but yeah....I just need to shut up and get on with it.

 

All the best!

 

Tom xxx

[Carus]

Well it's a bit of a double edged sword....

 

It can help to talk about it or write about it, but it can also keep things fresher than they are....

 

Maybe try to do a little bit of both...(?)

 

Just don't isolate yourself buddy. That too is not good....

 

I for one am not 'fed up' of hearing about your story. I can see that even though it's slow, you ARE making progress*

 

Carus*

[katrina1980]

Thanks Katrina1980

 

Well, I had suspected for some time that members here were fed up of hearing me go on about this. I'd tried not talking about it, hence my massive gaps away from the forum. I hadn't been talking to anyone about it for such a long time because I'm socially aware enough that most just think I should be over such an insignificant relationship. I live on my own, and this group was my only outlet really, but again I think you are right and I just need to stop going on about it.

 

Point taken though.

Signing off guys from the group as I'm probably not helping myself here. I appreciate the help these past months I really do, but yeah....I just need to shut up and get on with it.

 

All the best!

 

Tom xxx

 

It's not so much that we are tired of hearing about it, as I said it's hurting you. It is keeping you stuck, and preventing you from moving on.

 

It pains me to see you remaining stuck like this. Stuck in pain, stuck within yourself.

 

Have you tried volunteering? Anything to get you out of your self, focused on self and your own pain and unhappiness.

 

It's been documented that becoming other-focused, raises self-esteem, lifts depression and gets you out of your self, less self centerd, more other centered.

 

It helped me a lot after my breakup!! Still does cause I used to be very self-focused, self-centered.

 

Just a thought, again wish you the best of luck..

[Long Gone]

Still here, but I'm not popping in that often anymore.

Doing ok, somedays better than other.

 

On the waiting list for counselling at the moment, sooner rather than later hopefully.

 

Keeping busy with my hobbies and work is good. Thoughts wander, and I try to stop myself before getting too in-depth. I'm ok though, and what has certainly helped has been getting myself back into the keto way of life. Since I've focused myself this week I've dropped 5 pounds.

[Long Gone]

Dates comes through for my first counselling session, 4th March. I get 6 sessions for free (NHS) and I'm looking forward to hopefully finding someone to point me on the right track.

Today hasn't been so bad, possibly because I've had a day of work which has taken up my thoughts. Yesterday wasn't as good.

 

In more positive news, I have received a Tax rebate!

[Carus]

Ha! Good for you...I got a tax bill... :-/

 

When you say yesterday wasn't as good, what do you mean by that?

 

I received a FB msg from my ex yesterday even though it's been over 15 months since we separated AND she's with someone else.....I still over analyze when that happens and it drives me into a bit of a hole...But that hole gets shallower and shallower.....

 

Thinkin' of you mate....Good on you for at least trying things to help....That's all anyone can expect of you/us*

 

Carus*

[Long Gone]

Ha! Good for you...I got a tax bill... :-/

 

When you say yesterday wasn't as good, what do you mean by that?

 

I received a FB msg from my ex yesterday even though it's been over 15 months since we separated AND she's with someone else.....I still over analyze when that happens and it drives me into a bit of a hole...But that hole gets shallower and shallower.....

 

Thinkin' of you mate....Good on you for at least trying things to help....That's all anyone can expect of you/us*

 

Carus*

 

Hey Carus!

My mind has a habit of still becoming fixated, going over events....and then I feel alone.... see time slipping by, I'll never meet someone and feel loved. There is still that hole/lack of companionship.

 

Burst into tears in the car on the way to work on Tuesday....I missed her.......someone I hardly knew! Pretty sad and pathetic really.

 

I'm doing ok today.... other than here, I don't talk about it... I try and keep it covered up, and just occasionally it surfaces.

[Carus]

My mind has a habit of still becoming fixated, going over events....

Exactly what it is...a habit....

 

That's what happens when our brain gets embedded with something for too long and it can take a mighty effort to turn it around.

....I'll never meet someone and feel loved.

That is a negative narrative...a common one though....

 

One challenge to that is: You really don't know that so it can't be 100% true.....

 

Did you say that to yourself before you met this ex? It happened with her so it can happen again right....?

Burst into tears in the car on the way to work on Tuesday....I missed her.......someone I hardly knew! Pretty sad and pathetic really.

Not sad and pathetic....It shows you have the capacity to love deeply....

 

And yes you miss her like I miss mine....because they tapped into that inner child that craves that kind of love....

I'm doing ok today.... other than here, I don't talk about it... I try and keep it covered up, and just occasionally it surfaces.

Right there with ya buddy*

 

I sobbed and screamed and melted down every day for months

 

It seems to build up like water dripping into a bucket and then overflows....but it shows we're at least moving forward albeit slowly.....

 

Frustrating I know that it's taking a long time, but it is what it is and so long as we keep making the effort, I'm sure we'll get through*

 

Regards

 

Carus*

[Long Gone]

Exactly what it is...a habit....

 

That's what happens when our brain gets embedded with something for too long and it can take a mighty effort to turn it around.

 

That is a negative narrative...a common one though....

 

One challenge to that is: You really don't know that so it can't be 100% true.....

 

Did you say that to yourself before you met this ex? It happened with her so it can happen again right....?

 

Not sad and pathetic....It shows you have the capacity to love deeply....

 

And yes you miss her like I miss mine....because they tapped into that inner child that craves that kind of love....

 

Right there with ya buddy*

 

I sobbed and screamed and melted down every day for months

 

It seems to build up like water dripping into a bucket and then overflows....but it shows we're at least moving forward albeit slowly.....

 

Frustrating I know that it's taking a long time, but it is what it is and so long as we keep making the effort, I'm sure we'll get through*

 

Regards

 

Carus*

 

Bless you Carus, I think the difference is you loved her. I don't think I did, but I miss something.... I think her introducing her little boy so soon (3rd date) has screwed me up..... it was after that things felt sort of right.

 

I know you are right, that I will possibly meet someone. It's just I feel nothing when I see people now, I still think of her as someone I'm attracted to.

 

If the counselling doesn't work out, and I can afford it I might looking into hypnotherapy....because I just don't feel like I'm improving at the moment. 13 months now, and I'm in this sort of groundhog situation. I am trying to not focus on her, because it only hurts....but sometimes it's like it's an easy path to remember when you felt you were with someone who liked you and cared.

 

I'm one screwed up cookie!

[SherrySher]

You're not screwed up. We all have issues we deal with. We deal with them the best we can.

 

I know how difficult it can be. You're not alone in your struggles.

 

You keep trying, and that's what matters. I know some days it feels too hard. You want to give in. I have felt that many times over. Rest if you need to, but get back up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

Life can change on a dime, and that's good, not just bad. I know it sounds very typical and maybe even somewhat annoying, but try to believe in the positive.

 

You've made it through 100% of the problems you've faced and are still here today. That says a lot!

[Long Gone]

You're not screwed up. We all have issues we deal with. We deal with them the best we can.

 

I know how difficult it can be. You're not alone in your struggles.

 

You keep trying, and that's what matters. I know some days it feels too hard. You want to give in. I have felt that many times over. Rest if you need to, but get back up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

Life can change on a dime, and that's good, not just bad. I know it sounds very typical and maybe even somewhat annoying, but try to believe in the positive.

 

You've made it through 100% of the problems you've faced and are still here today. That says a lot!

 

Thank you Sherry!

 

The thing is I can feel fine, great ....and then I think of her, the loss of not having a companion and I begin to feel really down!

I agree about believing in positive....I always look for negatives, it's one of my many weaknesses.

 

What is positive, is I'm back losing weight. I've lost 9Ib since a week last Monday.

[SherrySher]

Well done, sir! :)

 

Try not to define your happiness based on if you've got a gf or not. I know it's difficult to do but honestly, the less you make yourself suffer over that fact, the happier your life will be. Life has so many more components to it that are worthwhile.

 

And who knows, maybe you'll finally meet someone. You know what they say, things happen when you stop looking for them.

[Long Gone]

Well done, sir! :)

 

Try not to define your happiness based on if you've got a gf or not. I know it's difficult to do but honestly, the less you make yourself suffer over that fact, the happier your life will be. Life has so many more components to it that are worthwhile.

 

And who knows, maybe you'll finally meet someone. You know what they say, things happen when you stop looking for them.

 

Thanks Sherry! I do appreciate these comments, it's certainly helping me.

Todays been pretty good, I've been modelling in my man cave and I have to admit, I've not thought about her much.... what a difference it makes!

 

I just hate the YoYoing of feeling ok, to feeling crap....that's life I guess though.

[Flipp]

You’ve already gotten a lot of advice, so I’ll just add myself to the support line. We feel you, and you’re not alone.

 

I write poetry, and I’ve been writing a thread of poems since the breakup. Some say it’s good, it’s therapeutic in a way, but I still feel kinda dorky doing it. What I discovered though, is that the mood in them has changed. I don’t feel changed, but the desperate anguish actually has somewhat lessened. So it gets better, it actually does! The poems are also almost always about everyday things. Like the fact that Fridays up to be the best, and are now the worst. It’s in the little things we feel the most. The emptyness.

 

In Swedish they have a really nice way of saying that you miss someone. It’s more like “I am in lack of you”. It’s actually quite fitting.

 

I find this advice the best when I’m at my darkest:

 

I CAN hold on a little longer. Until tomorrow, until next week. In that time, I MIGHT feel better than I do right this moment. I CAN hope for that.

[Long Gone]

Sorry to post again guys, I was hoping I wouldn't need to.

 

I've done well these last few weeks... felt pretty good. Then she featured in a couple of dreams and it seems to really kick me back down to feeling like it's all just happened. Yesterday I went fell walking (hiking). The views were stunning, and I was taking loads of photo. But I felt like crap, the views as much as they were stunning, were in the direction of where she lives/lived... probably around 15-20 miles as the crow flies on the other side of the hills.

 

And I felt crap.... felt angry, upset....angry I still feel emotionally attached still and scared that I'm not letting go.

 

In more positive news, I've lost 14 pounds in the last four weeks.

[Long Gone]

Just googling and found this. I certainly come under a couple of these.... self worth, etc...

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/rediscovering-love/201708/10-reasons-some-people-just-cant-let-go-ex

 

I can assure you I've no intention of stalking (as that is one on the list), I don't want to ever see them again.....and my biggest fear is actually seeing her. I'm hoping once I start seeing the counsellor on the 4th March, steps can really be made for me to heal.

[Carus]

Sorry to post again guys, I was hoping I wouldn't need to.

Don't ever say sorry again DB* :) I'd like to see you post even when you're feeling good. Maybe try not to associate this forum/thread with all bad. This is your journal, good and bad*

And I felt crap.... felt angry, upset....angry I still feel emotionally attached still and scared that I'm not letting go.

Well I relate to that....Unfortunately you and I are part of what I'm dubbing the Limerance Club...It's not a great club to be in in our situation....

 

{ Limerance is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.

 

The bulk of relationships, however, according to Tennov, are those between a limerent person and a nonlimerent other, i.e. limerent-nonlimerent bonding. These bonds are characterized by unequal reciprocation.

 

The course of limerence results in a more intrusive thinking pattern. This thinking pattern is an expectant and often joyous period with the initial focusing on the limerent object’s admirable qualities: crystallization. Then, under appropriate conditions of hope and uncertainty, the limerence intensifies further.

 

Fantasies are occasionally dreamed by the one experiencing limerence. Dreams give out strong emotion and happiness when experienced, but often end with despair when the subject awakens. Dreams can reawaken strong feelings toward the limerent object after the feelings have declined.

 

Hayes notes that "it is the unobtainable nature of the goal which makes the feeling so powerful", and that it is not uncommon for those to remain in a state of limerence over someone unreachable for months and even years.

 

Limerence can be difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it, and it is thus often dismissed by non-limerents as ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic fiction(Wikipedia) }

 

Limerance can be great if your love is being reciprocated, but can cause a lot of despair and problems when it's not!

 

 

I'm only new to Limerance so I'm still reading about it and unfortunately from what I can see, they say the 'average' time for Limerance to dissipate is 18 months to 3 years! ....it can go on for longer though :-/

 

There doesn't seem to be any 'cure' for it if you like, except time and perhaps another love interest...but even then the Limerance can be transferred...

 

Check it out on Wiki DB*.

 

Unfortunately all the research we do on everything doesn't magically make it all go away, but I think it does help to know you're not alone nor going crazy nor in a totally isolated situation....

 

Hope this helps a bit.....keep it movin' Buddy*

 

Carus*

 

PS: Thanks for that link too*

[Long Gone]

Carus, I really appreciate your posts. I hadn't heard of Limerance before, but I'm going to go look into it as it sounds to tick many of my boxes.

My insecurities, low self esteem seem to be all mixed in with this.

 

As I've touched on before, I now have little family....I've an uncle who is untrustworthy and my mother...who apart from not wanting me as a child, now uses me as excuse to see the man she is having an affair with.

 

I'm really trying to be independent, and not to rely on anyone, because as I've said, my remaining family are useless. However I think I still think of her, because for a short time I felt someone cared about me and I'm desperate to try and find it again.

[Carus]

Yep. Limerance....It's what you and I, and some others, are going through :-/

 

And like the article says, non-limerants can't understand it and write it off as not a real thing*

....and my mother...who apart from not wanting me as a child, now uses me as excuse to see the man she is having an affair with.

How the hell does that work...??

However I think I still think of her, because for a short time I felt someone cared about me and I'm desperate to try and find it again.

Whilst I relate to the first part of that, that desperation will not serve you Brother*

 

Carus*

[Long Gone]

 

How the hell does that work...??

Carus*

 

She tells her husband (who don't get me wrong, is a horrible horrible man who brought on the heart attack killed my grandmother) that she is staying with me. She then stays in the area with her other guy and they see me. What I don't overly like is she likes me in the back ground while phone calls are going on....

 

I should rephrase that the previous desperate comment. I'm not desperate....if I was I'd have tried dating again, but as I've said....its not fair on anyone else to have all this baggage dropped on them, let alone I feel completely undatable as a person.

 

I'd say it's a longing....rather than desperation.