Showing Interest vs. Chasing

[maew]

I don't think it's about being attractive or guys finding you intimidating. Lots of people are attractive. I noticed that from your threads, you have a history of guys inviting u to their place and you jumping at that sorta thing...Getting sexual with them straight away or having that sorta 'date' (whatever u really call that).

 

I think it's def a vibe that you're projecting out.

 

On the perhaps 40 or so dates I have been on in the last couple of years I have only gone to a guy's place once... I invited a couple back to my place but not any faster than would be typical. Probably comes across differently here because those were the only ones I talked about.

[Honeycomb8]

Next time it's pretty much as simple as texting back if they text you. It's like a tennis match, no double texting. Don't ever triple txt (unless it's part of a convo) or initiate three times in a row.

 

But from the fact the first guy didn't ask u out, u should have cut your losses after 4 or 5 days of chatting with him, not hung on.

 

The second one wasn't keen either.

[katrina1980]

 

Prior to my dating life I feared taking risks with reaching out to people... I would sit back and just let them come to me... I am trying to change this behavior but maybe I have been overcompensating by being aggressive.

 

Bolded - I think it's good to consider these things maew. And since you mentioned it, my guess is there is probably some truth to it.

 

I am wondering, do you have a particular type? Like what type of man are you typically attracted to - passive or more aggressive/dominant?

 

What would you say the two men in your initial post were, passive or more dominant?

 

If they were more dominant, they may have been turned off by your more aggressive nature.

 

Not that you should change who you are, and of course I am just speculating, but it may possibly explain what happened in those two situations.

[DancingFool]

It's really the difference between reaching out to maintain the flow of an ongoing conversation v. poking someone to respond or talk to you after they've gone silent and aren't reaching out anymore or have given you lukewarm responses previously. You can reach out once just to see, but then you stop unless the guy really picks up the ball and keeps it going.

 

It's perfectly fine for you to ask to meet and that's not too forward when you are doing the OLD thing. Men have no idea what you want. Some women want to chat online for ages, some want calls, some want to meet and so on. Personally, I had zero patience for pointless get to know you e-mails, so I would simply exchange a few e-mails and then tell them I'd prefer to continue the conversation in person over a coffee if they are up for it. If the guy was interested that was enough for him to jump on that make plans for a concrete date - day/time/place.

 

It only becomes chasing when you keep getting lukewarm responses, no plans for a date and you keep reaching out over and over. So like if the guy's response to my request above is something along the lines of he is soooo busy and maybe sure someday but no real plans to meet, I'd drop him cold immediately. I don't really care why he is putting me off, only that he is and that's all the info I need to move on. Contrast to a guy who is genuinely busy but actually wants to meet you. You'll get a I'm busy with x, y, z but can we meet on A day at Z time. So sure, it may be two weeks out, but he'll have the date nailed down and he'll make a point of maintaining contact with you in the meantime. Understand that if he is interested, he is actually quite nervous that you'll meet someone else in the meantime. So he will make certain that he stays on your radar.

 

As for being assertive, I'm certainly that but I have zero problems with men asking me out. Quite the opposite really. More offers than I can handle. So, no, that's not your issue with men. Being assertive, attractive, successful isn't a deterrent at all. Not just speaking for myself, but also for many of my friends.

 

I do think though that when it comes to dating you really have to strike that balance between being a complete wallflower and chasing someone who isn't that into you. More importantly, you have to come across as a high value catch.

[Jibralta]

My brother told me some time ago... "You are worried about whether they are interested in you, or whether you are showing enough interest, I think it should be the other way around!" As in... they should be worrying about whether I am interested in them and making sure I know they are interested.

 

That's great advice!

 

What do you think the difference is?

 

I think it's all about how the other person perceives your efforts. I don't think all men are remotely the same, and that one type of behavior MUST be chasing and another type MUST be too passive. Everyone is different. Be yourself and let people sort themselves out around you. Don't turn yourself into a contortionist trying to please some average that doesn't exist.

[Batya33]

I don’t know how others define “chasing” but to me chasing would entail a woman continuing to pursue a man who was not showing interest or worse ignoring her or "running away." Or vice versa when the roles are flipped.

 

I think when chatting on line and the vibe/energy is strong it’s perfectly fine to suggest meeting up!

 

That is not “chasing,” that is you taking the initiative.

 

Again, chasing would be him replying with the ever-so-ambiguous “maybe” or flat out declining your offer or making excuses, and you continuing to push it (chase him).

 

Agree. And asking to meet up is not asking him oitvom a date - he’s a stranger who you want to meet to see if you two should go on a date in the future.

[RayRay63]

What really is the difference between showing someone we are interested and chasing them?

 

Hard question, but one that says you says this as s game.

 

Maybe just communicate in a natural way?

 

If they are not interested they'll tell you.

[maew]

If they are not interested they'll tell you.

 

Not always true! but yes I get your point.

[maew]

Dating is such garbage. This concept of "chasing" and seeming mysterious and not showing interest and yadda yadda yadda is for children. Life is so short. I'm a guy. I have a great job. I am good looking. i have bumble and get about 50 matches a day and I am getting so tired of this "do i show interest, do i not, whats the difference, whats optimal". I'm so over it.

 

I picked one. We hit it off and she was pining over me. So I showed interest back. Then I noticed her pull away. So I showed more interest and inquired if she was still interested to which she said yes, despite her actions being clearly at odds. I expressed I wasn't super fond of having to continually chase her and it was getting difficult for me to keep going. She insisted she was interested and not to give up. So fine, despite my intuition I keep at it. It eventually erupted to the point of it being like pulling teeth to get her to engage, at which point I dumped her and said I can only do so much without reciprocation, have a nice life. To which she replies saying she has strong feelings for me and please don't go. I cannot read this person at all, it's impossible, she goes days without contacting me then professes she is sooooo interested lol. Dude. That is not interest.

 

I tell this story for the OP because, not showing interest in someone you are interested in just backfires. I liked this chick a lot, and now I'm just annoyed, feeling taken for granted, and not into it. Bottom line - it shouldn't be THIS hard. Someone who is only interested in someone SHOULD show interest. I WISH I could find a needy girl. Someone who actually wants to connect and move things forward naturally without being like stone cold and impossible midway though.

 

You don't want a needy girl, you want a confident girl... same as I want a confident guy. Needy = desperate and aggressive or shut down and submissive in my experience and I don't want either of those things. I also recognize that I need to keep my own neediness in check (cause let's get real we all get needy sometimes) if I want someone to reciprocate in kind.

 

At the end of the day this is good perspective and how it feels when interacting with the other person is definitely an important consideration.

[Jibralta]

You don't want a needy girl, you want a confident girl... same as I want a confident guy. Needy = desperate and aggressive or shut down and submissive

 

That's a great distinction. Also, it's important to remember that just because you feel needy at certain times, anxious at certain times, etc., it doesn't mean you are a total basket case. Sometimes people have a difficult time comprehending that and they shut you down or run screaming. That response is more about them than it is about you. It's also possibly a byproduct of the slippery-slope reasoning that we are exposed to in this country every day via news, propaganda, advertisements, etc.