Anxiety has caused us to breakup.

[Craig14291]

Hi everyone,

 

So I’ve been dating this girl for 4 months now. I knew her for a year and a half before at our old workplace and we always had great chemistry however she had a boyfriend of five years.

 

The place closed down and they broke up, I was planning on leaving it for a while before asking her out but 2 months after the breakup she asked me out for a drink.

 

During the four months when we were together it was great we really hit it off and had a laugh. After one particular drunken date we both said that we love each other. It was obviously a little awkward the next day and we decided to have our own little in joke of saying “I almost love you” so it didn’t sound as serious.

 

A few weeks went by in which she told me sober that she thinks I’m the one and that she’s thought about a future together but wouldn’t make it official as it was too soon.

 

So I started getting confused about where we were at. One night I asked her were we are currently at she said she’s having fun but not ready to make it boyfriend - girlfriend. So I put it to her this way:

 

“if you were out with your friends drunk and a guy came up flirting to you that you fancied would you get with him”

 

Her response:

 

“I wouldn’t say I’d go out looking for it but yeah maybe”

 

This obviously made me feel rubbish as I was looking for the answer that would mean okay so were not official but we’re not seeing or dating other people. I told her the next day that we should both take a few weeks to clear our heads and see what we both want.

 

She went home and text me the very next morning saying she has spoke to parents and friends and has decided she was self sabotaging herself because she though she shouldn’t be happy. Said that honestly she is so happy and loves spending time with me. There is and won’t be anyone else she wants to be exclusively dating me and that she would tell everyone and there gran if she could!

 

So it was back on track, she introduced me to her parents brother and best friend and we all had a nice meal. She then said she’s been suffering with anxiety and has booked an appointment to get it under control, she started on tablets a few weeks ago. I felt horrible for her so was always asking if she was okay and doing nice things and trying to make her happy, but I’ve overwhelmed her.

 

We had a great Friday night last week where she told me she almost loves me again and that she means everything she’s said and then we were randomly talking about my Halloween party and she said she’s inviting her two friends around to stay the night - I said it was fine. She went home Saturday morning and then for the next two days was very distant and off.

 

We were supposed to meet on the Tuesday after work for food and then she text me later in the day saying “actually I can meet you halfway, we kinda need to talk”.

 

We didn’t end up meeting because I knew what that meant we talked on the phone and her reason was because she needed time to focus on herself and get her anxiety under control and that I was overwhelming her and she just needed space to be on her own.

 

I got upset and wondered if she meant any of it. We’ve ended it like this, she put:

 

“Of course it was real, I meant everything I said and did. I just needed it to end right now. I hope your okay and we’ll catch up when we’re both in better head spaces”

 

What do you all make of that? Especially the last message. Do you think she’ll want to try again after she’s in a clearer headspace? Should I want to try again?

[SherrySher]

She rushed into a relationship too soon with you, she didn't give herself time to process her last break up or heal from it and was not in the right place to start with you.

 

It all backfired on her now.

 

You can't replace someone with someone else, it doesn't work.

 

After a break up, a person does need time alone and to mourn the loss of the break up before deciding to date again. She was alone less than 2 months, that's not enough time.

I'll put it to you this way, the longer the relationship was that ended, the longer it will take for her to be ready to date again.

It was a five year relationship, therefore, she would have needed at least 6 months if not longer.

 

She rushed things too fast and now she is confused and anxious. Which happens if you date too quickly like that.

 

She needs time to herself, to process her break up, to mourn it and to move past it.

You need to give her that space and yourself space so you don't get pulled back into her confusion and more hurt.

 

Even in a weeks time if she says she wants to see you and is sorry, etc...I would still recommend that you tell her that it's better for now that you both have time to yourselves.

Otherwise you will end up right back to where you are now.

 

You're not closing the door, you are just placing it on a shelf for now and waiting till the time is right in the future.

But the time is not right at the moment and you both need to clear your heads and let this be.

[DanZee]

Well, I would say that she needs to get her anxiety under control and you're throwing a hissy-fit because you're only thinking of yourself. Maybe you are overwhelming her. Maybe you are going overboard with your attention. Maybe you're too controlling. Or maybe you just went too fast. After all, you've only been dating her for four months and you were pushing her to be exclusive. When you're dealing with someone with problems, especially someone who had just broke up with their boyfriend of five years, you should have had some consideration of her feelings. I just think you screwed up. Slow and steady wins the race. You went too fast too soon.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately she is in the freedom and ego boosting phase after a breakup. She was looking for distractions and most likely still communicating with her bf. Very often the "confused, space" line means they are working on getting back together. Stay no contact, do not get into the friendzone or backup zone.

2 months after the breakup she asked me out for a drink. her reason was because she needed time to focus on herself and get her anxiety under control and that I was overwhelming her and she just needed space to be on her own.

[bluecastle]

Sorry to hear this.

 

Look, this woman has nothing to give you right now. There's just not enough in her tank to compliment where you are, on your own journey. That's often the case with people fresh out of something.

 

It doesn't mean what she felt wasn't real, as she told you. But that "real" stuff is coexisting with the other real stuff—emotional confusion, a desire to see what else is out there if it happens to cross her path, some stages of mourning her past relationship that she was skipping over but which came back around to bite her.

 

What you do here—and I know it's hard—is nothing. It's not a game, a chess move. You do noting because she has nothing to give. And you go and do you. Respect the real part—and let that be the thing that lingers, not your anxiousness. Maybe she reaches back out, maybe not, but I assure you nothing is going to come from "trying" right now. That's just going to push her further away and corrode the nice stuff you've shared, for both of you.

[MissCanuck]

She was on the rebound, OP.