Am I being too harsh here?

[Starlight925]

I wish I had your discipline! I go to bed far late sometimes with an early rise. No reasonable guy would have an issue with this.

 

LOL, if I truly had discipline, I'd wake up earlier and work out. The "discipline" comes from having a job that requires me to do a ton of driving, early in the day, and look fresh and professional when I arrive.

 

Thing is, this guy didn't seem to have a problem with this. One of the days he was to call, there was no limit during the day at all, and he said he'd call during the day. On that day, he didn't even message me. It was the next day that I received the message.

 

I don't think this is about the 9:00 pm time, but more about the fact that 3 times, this guy said he'd call, and on the 3rd time I deleted.

 

I just wanted to see if others thought I was possibly being too harsh, but it appears that the consensus is that no, I was being reasonable.

 

That being said, I do take into account all the people who chimed in re: my 9:00 timeframe, and I can see that possibly, that's being a bit rigid, especially when first getting to know someone. For future, I'll go ahead and just say anytime in the evening, up until around 10:00 pm, which should allow for more flexibility.

 

I just realized that with my exBF (the one I have pages about here), he had team activities a few nights a week, and he always called on his way home, which was usually around 10:15-10:30 pm. When I dated him, since I knew his schedule, I always kept my phone on until he had called. It was not a big deal at all, and I need to be a bit more flexible. So thanks to those of you who pointed that out.

[catfeeder]

Yeah, flakey, but why not just line up quick meets with other guys for a coffee after work to check one another out? This bypasses the investment in anyone through messaging, which is just fantasy-building, anyway. Then if a guy doesn't show, take your coffee or tea with you, and nothing lost.

 

This way, you can spend 15 minutes learning whether you're actually attracted to someone with whom who'd you'd otherwise waste time playing message games. Rules are that neither can corner the other by asking for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

 

Too much focus on any potential match before meeting can be frustrating. It puts a microscope on the wrong stuff. Either someone is dating material, or he's not. If he can't show up for a quick coffee, then he's not in a position to try to date. Rather than dwell there WITH him at an obviously bad time, let him know that you're open to meeting when he can swing it, and then forget about him and move on to someone else. If he ever cycles back at a better time, then he becomes a possibility again. Otherwise, you've spared yourself frustration and you've put yourself in front of other people who CAN step up to meet.

 

Head high, LH. Dating can be like the Mt. Everest of social interaction. It's a challenge, but sometimes it's worth it.

[Batya33]

I had people flake about talking on the phone to set up a meet. Meeting even for fifteen minutes meant traveling to get there and taking the time to look presentable so even 15 minutes would be over an hour investment total ifcthe place was convenient to me. It was worth it to have a 15 or 20 minute call to see if it made sense to meet in person

[SweetGirl28]

POF is a free site. It's best to stay off of there. I was recently talking to a police officer, and they have multiple women, both young and older, entering the station filing complaints from the men there. He said its the Craigslist of dating sites . Remember how craigslist had all those personal ads? Apparently they've since been removed. Some assaults, mostly theft, like their purses being stolen during the date, and the guy takes off.

 

Next this guy. He's flaky. Maybe he's been on meet ups those nights he said he'd call. Maybe he's married. Any man who gives first and last name from the start might be using someone else's identity. Just something to consider. A free site is a safe haven for married men because there's no trace to be found of payment .

 

One of my experiences, a man who seemed gentlemanly enough, he gave first and last name. Then we met up, he seemed fine. Great manners, laid back, intelligent. He said "you do know you should check out someone before meeting right? " which made me a bit uneasy. Anyway after three beers this guy got very aggressive , totally hands on and he was very tall, 6'3. And built. I decided to leave, he walks me out, he grabbed me which got very scary for me. I pushed the panic alarm on my car remote. That made him leave. I never heard from him again. You always have to be on guard , don't go blindly into anything, and if you're gut feels off, it's trying to tell you something. Don't ever ignore it. This guy, no more chances.

 

Also, from talking to many men, women are giving bj's on first meets in cars and just being trashy with themselves. It's like these men are getting used to it and thinking you'll put out in the same way. Online can be really creepy. It's a portal for people to multi date and have tons of sex. Finding someone like yourself, with high morals and values can be a daunting task.

 

The best way to meet is in person, by chance I think. Of course there's success stories from online dating apps, but it takes exercising great caution to find a good match. Always, always, always listen to your gut.

[catfeeder]

I had people flake about talking on the phone to set up a meet. Meeting even for fifteen minutes meant traveling to get there and taking the time to look presentable so even 15 minutes would be over an hour investment total ifcthe place was convenient to me. It was worth it to have a 15 or 20 minute call to see if it made sense to meet in person

 

On the way home from work you're already dressed and traveling that way, anyway. The point is to learn who's invested enough to meet AND whether you find them attractive. If not, you've treated yourself to something nice that you can take with you. Nothing really ventured, even while a jackpot is rare but possible.

[Batya33]

On the way home from work you're already dressed and traveling that way, anyway. The point is to learn who's invested enough to meet AND whether you find them attractive. If not, you've treated yourself to something nice that you can take with you. Nothing really ventured, even while a jackpot is rare but possible.

 

No that wasn't in my case because my work hours were unpredictable and we couldn't always meet where I was traveling. I wouldn't meet anyone, for safety reasons, without a phone call. Many times I avoided a potential safety issue and/or a huge waste of time via a phone call.

[Starlight925]

I was messaging with another guy, setting up a meet, and he, too, flaked. He was to come up with our meeting place, and I didn't hear back. I messaged him, no response, but he's still on the site.

 

And both guys did check out, as "real": one is even a psychologist in town. And both are still site-active. Oh well.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. However it's good to know that for every decent one, there are 100s of flakes. Nothing wrong with your parameters of setting up a call sometime before 9pm. However meeting in a timely fashion is also a good idea.

 

Keep a list of casual/coffee/cafe type places near you on hand to suggest meeting at. Try to keep it for after work weekdays or during the day weekends.

 

It's also a good idea to use at least one paid/more upscale site in addition to any free apps. Make sure your POF account is not just a re-uped old profile. This keeps you out of "new" searches.

I was messaging with another guy, setting up a meet, and he, too, flaked.

[Starlight925]

Sorry this is happening. However it's good to know that for every decent one, there are 100s of flakes. Nothing wrong with your parameters of setting up a call sometime before 9pm. However meeting in a timely fashion is also a good idea.

 

Keep a list of casual/coffee/cafe type places near you on hand to suggest meeting at. Try to keep it for after work weekdays or during the day weekends.

 

It's also a good idea to use at least one paid/more upscale site in addition to any free apps. Make sure your POF account is not just a re-uped old profile. This keeps you out of "new" searches.

 

Thanks, all good advice!

[purplepaisley]

My first thought was, "at least he's consistent." Waiting to connect until 9:30...I guess that's something right? Purposefully? Maybe....knowing you're not available. Bwa.

 

Jman brings up a really good point I had not thought of...he simply cannot make a call before 9:30 between work and the kids...it's pretty much the best time for him, and he has most certainly tried. I mean, he's writing you to apologize, and that's something. I've been in the online dating world long enough that you kind of take these things with a grain of salt, but if you're taking him at face value, perhaps you're dealing with lifestyle incompatibility more than him being an insensitive jerk or a player. Can you be more flexible on the time, or do you need to be sleeping by 9 p.m. in order to function the following day at work?

 

I work early in the morning. An ENA poster said earlier that 9 o'clock was early...um, no. Nine o'clock is actually LATE. I'm asleep by 8 or 9 in order to be at work and FUNCTIONAL and well-rested for my early shift. If you work later and stay up later, there will be a stonewall in our ability to communicate....or date. The reality is, dating is a bugger when he thinks 10 o'clock is early, and for you, the carriage turned into a pumpkin at 9. It's a scheduling and lifestyle conflict...it could also be a player or online attention-seeker issue...whatever it is, something isn't working.

 

If you feel this guy is genuine, can you be available after 9 for him? If your schedule is rigid, then you and him might not work out just by way of differing lifestyles. Maybe he's just a player...maybe extend your boundary once or twice to accommodate his (actually quite reliable) 9:30 schedule?? If it's feasible.

[Batya33]

My first thought was, "at least he's consistent." Waiting to connect until 9:30...I guess that's something right? Purposefully? Maybe....knowing you're not available. Bwa.

 

Jman brings up a really good point I had not thought of...he simply cannot make a call before 9:30 between work and the kids...it's pretty much the best time for him, and he has most certainly tried. I mean, he's writing you to apologize, and that's something. I've been in the online dating world long enough that you kind of take these things with a grain of salt, but if you're taking him at face value, perhaps you're dealing with lifestyle incompatibility more than him being an insensitive jerk or a player. Can you be more flexible on the time, or do you need to be sleeping by 9 p.m. in order to function the following day at work?

 

I work early in the morning. An ENA poster said earlier that 9 o'clock was early...um, no. Nine o'clock is actually LATE. I'm asleep by 8 or 9 in order to be at work and FUNCTIONAL and well-rested for my early shift. If you work later and stay up later, there will be a stonewall in our ability to communicate....or date. The reality is, dating is a bugger when he thinks 10 o'clock is early, and for you, the carriage turned into a pumpkin at 9. It's a scheduling and lifestyle conflict...it could also be a player or online attention-seeker issue...whatever it is, something isn't working.

 

If you feel this guy is genuine, can you be available after 9 for him? If your schedule is rigid, then you and him might not work out just by way of differing lifestyles. Maybe he's just a player...maybe extend your boundary once or twice to accommodate his (actually quite reliable) 9:30 schedule?? If it's feasible.

 

But then he could have told her or didn’t work for him and she said one of the days he said he’d be home all day. I really like Wisemans advice too about finding coffee places nearby they are also convenient for others - parking spots etc.

[catfeeder]

Sorry this is happening. However it's good to know that for every decent one, there are 100s of flakes. Nothing wrong with your parameters of setting up a call sometime before 9pm. However meeting in a timely fashion is also a good idea.

 

Keep a list of casual/coffee/cafe type places near you on hand to suggest meeting at. Try to keep it for after work weekdays or during the day weekends.

 

Great suggestions. Especially keeping a grasp of natural odds to avoid frustration.

 

I like to think of singles as each carrying a unique puzzle piece to hold up to potential matches. Just as with working a real puzzle, most attempts are NOT a fit, but this doesn't speak badly of either side of the mismatch.

 

When the goal isn't just to find some reasonably good dates but rather to stumble into ~great~ simpatico with someone who 'gets you' and is real future-together material, it helps to keep in mind how rare that kind of synching really is. Consider your relationships with each of your friends and family. You may love them all, but you actually enjoy that special 'click' with only one or two of them.

 

That's the good-news-bad-news reality of dating. It's a needle-in-the-haystack kind of thing. If love were not rare, there'd be nothing special about it. So by the same token, you don't need to exhaust yourself by overinvesting in anyone who doesn't hold ~special~ potential for you. Allow wrong matches to pass early, put your focus forward, and trust that if by chance you've mistakenly nexted the RIGHT person prematurely, he'll end up back on your radar someday in some way, and you'll recognize in him what you missed the first time.

 

Head high, courage, and patience.

[Starlight925]

he simply cannot make a call before 9:30 between work and the kids...

 

As has been said several times throughout this thread:

 

He was the one who asked for the phone call. (I'd have been fine going straight to a meet).

 

He was the one who specifically asked what times were good for me.

 

My response, verbatim: "Anytime before 9:00 pm".

His response, verbatim: "OK, I'm working from home all day tomorrow, so I'll call you sometime during the day".

What occurred:

Day 1: Message on dating site at around 9:30 pm apologizing for not calling that day, with promise to call following day, with response from me saying "Great, looking forward to it!"

Day 2: No message/nothing at all from him

Day 3: Another post-9:30 pm message (text this time), asking if it was too late to call. My phone was silenced, so I saw it the following day

Day 4: 9:50 pm text apologizing for not calling earlier

 

If it's this hard to schedule a few-minute phone call, how hard would it be to actually date this guy?

[Starlight925]

And no, I do not have all my eggs in this basket, lol.

 

I'm not sitting at home, pining away, waiting for this particular, future soulmate to call.

 

I just have never had it be this hard to get a phone call going and wanted advice.

[reinventmyself]

I found POF being notorious for flakes and squatters. I'd suggest moving to a paid site.

 

Reading your experience had me thinking of my own actions. There were times I committed to a phone call and flaked on doing so. No OK, I get that. I either wasnt in the right mood to talk to yet another stranger or didnt have a good feeling about it. But what I didnt do was reschedule over and over and never follow through.

 

I say you called this one.

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