Considering work schedule and cleanliness diferences in a relationship's future?

[Seraphim]

Is the chemistry worth the anxiety?

[Rdunsany]

So a couple of things. I would not be comfortable at all having the ex-bf around her kids/helping out unless he truly has moved on. Does she pay him for this? It's just a weird dynamic and I can see it becoming more of an issue if you two get more serious.

 

She doesn't pay him for helping her out with the kids. From what she has told me, he used to want to keep doing "boyfriend" things, like holdings hands and helping her out like a BF would. She says he has stopped though and she doesn't have those feelings for him. But helping out with the kids can be a boyfriend thing (though not exclusively, of course). The problem is that, due to our conflicting schedules, I can't offer an alternative. As in, I can't be there when she would need that sort of help, as I'm working or have the kids myself. But yes, this would be a problem for me as things progress.

 

So, I briefly mentioned my ex-gf and her ex-husband remained friends when we were going out. They also would only hang out by themselves. I saw him twice in the whole time we were dating. I expressed my concern to my (now ex)gf about this and she said it was because she felt like they'd be making references that people who weren't them wouldn't get it and stuff like that. I was never happy with it, but I dealt. Now that she's *my* ex, as well. I see why. She still wants to act like we're kind of still together, when I see her. She still wants to cuddle on the couch, hold hands, talk about when we used to sleep together. It is one of the reasons why we don't hang out and try to be friends. So, I imagine, at the end of the day, it is this sort of behavior she wanted me (or anyone else) not to see with her ex-husband. Now, knowing all of this, I feel like I can't actually trust someone to be friends with their ex. (By the way, I realize it was a messed up situation and I don't bring it up to talk about that relationship, just how it relates to my current feelings about being with someone who hangs out with their ex)

[Batya33]

Sorry this makes no sense. Of course you shouldn't take care of her children -you're just someone she is dating for now -kids get attached so easily. She should pay for a sitter, period. If she cannot afford a sitter she can figure out if she can change her budget to afford one. It is not your job to offer an alternative. They are her children.

 

I think there is a broad spectrum when it comes to being friends/friendly with an ex. And close to one end is having your ex interact with your children when he is not their father. I would not be comfortable with that.

[Rdunsany]

My apologies, I realize, in my previous post I made it seem like (if my schedule was different) me watching her kids would be an option. It wouldn't right now. We've just not been going out long enough to reach the point where the kids have been introduced. It's been a source of conversations lately because she is okay with me just being "mom's friend" and having a playdate with the kids and I don't want her meeting my kids until we're obviously in a relationship that is long term. I also feel like, even when we get to that point between us, if she's not ready to tell the kids I'm her boyfriend, then she's not actually ready for me to meet them.

[Wiseman2]

She and her kids father have 50/50 custody, no? Why is this bf hanging out with her supposedly "to help with the kids" when their father is involved in every way including 50/50 custody and child support? Actually some ex bf hanging around "babysitting" her kids is quite creepy in itself.

 

Try not to let your situation with your ex keep blinding you to the many problems and red flags going on here. None of this is "on you". Your instincts are telling you that there are red flags and deal breakers all over the place but you seem to want to ignore/minimize them because of residual issues with your ex making you second guess things and not wanting to cut your losses in this situation.

 

Why not lay back a bit and reflect on the many issues here from the hoarder house, her chaos and disorder in general, her lack of appropriate employment situation, conflicting schedules and now this nonsense of a exbf "babysitting" her kids when they have a very involved father. Any woman with this kind of chaotic life, pig-sty house and incredibly poor judgement with regard to her kids, is not someone you should ever let your kids near. Especially if this creepy bf is the "babysitter".

Since her ex-bf has met the kids, he sometimes comes over to help her out with the kids when she needs to get something done.

[Batya33]

He said her house was cluttered not a pig sty. Big difference. She has small children and he realized when he had small children how more challenging it was (and she is alone) - your post exaggerates that issue.

 

I do however question her judgment in confusing her children by having her ex boyfriend who is not their father take care of them. Babysitting is expensive but so is therapy (and of course I think her kids' best interests is priceless and I don't think this is in their best interests).

[Rdunsany]

Yea, as Batya33 mentioned, calling the house a "pig sty" is definitely exaggerating the issue. Her house has a lot of clutter, but I never feel gross being over there or like it is filthy or anything like that.

 

For this issue about the ex-boyfriend watching her kids, everyone seems to be in agreement that this is, at the very least, a confusing situation to put the kids in. I think you are right. And yes, her ex-husband does have 50/50 custody of their kids, so it's not like she is not without child care options. And both her kids do go to daycare/school. Their situation is odd, to me, as her ex-bf never even met the ex-husband. She didn't want them to meet because she felt her ex-husband would find some way to use this knowledge against her. The point being: it is possible that the kids never knew this guy as anything more than "mom's friend." This is very different from my relationship with my ex-wife, where we talked about my (now ex)gf meeting the kids before it happened and I was very open and transparent about the situation. It's also different from how I would want it to go, if I was to meet her kids, where I'd want it to be very transparent to both the kids and her ex-husband.

 

At the end of the day, I think my intuition is telling me that this is not something that would work for me, but because we have this great chemistry, I don't want to listen to it. It is hard to want to cut my losses because I think if we were just casually dating, this would all be okay by me and we could have a good time. It's because I am looking for something serious and long-term term that I find these issues concerning to me. That said, I don't want to go back to casually dating her, so it's not like I can just ignore what my intuition is telling me.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she sounds sneaky and manipulative and as though she'll farm out her kids to whoever will take them.. Her children's father have 50/50 custody and surely they tell dad that this bf is "babysitting" them.

 

Enjoy the chemistry, but keep your kids away from her. She has horrendous judgement. And she's possibly cheating on you with the bf-babysitter story. Hard to say which is worse. That this bf is babysitting her kids or that he's there a lot and this is the crazy excuse she concocted to explain it.

And both her kids do go to daycare/school.

 

Their situation is odd, to me, as her ex-bf never even met the ex-husband. She didn't want them to meet because she felt her ex-husband would find some way to use this knowledge against her. .

 

I think my intuition is telling me that this is not something that would work for me, but because we have this great chemistry, I don't want to listen to it.

[Rdunsany]

This thread went on for awhile, so I figured I'd give a resolution to it, in case anyone is interested. So I did end up staying with this woman for a few months after posting this. I was never able to shake the feeling that this wasn't right, so I eventually broke up with her. It wasn't the cleanliness though. I think that's just what I focused on because I felt like something wasn't right and it was an easy thing to point to. It was hard to break up with someone for what amounted to a "gut feeling", but I have been glad I did and it has taught me to trust my gut more in future endeavors. Thank you all for your advice along the way!

[Wiseman2]

Good call. It's nice to be open minded and try as long as you can, but it's better to cut your losses and be free of trying to force-fit anything.

I was never able to shake the feeling that this wasn't right, so I eventually broke up with her. I have been glad I did and it has taught me to trust my gut more in future endeavors.